I was laying in bed and looking up to the ceiling. Everything slowly seemed to be falling into places that I didn’t want them to. Sehun and Luhan might be getting married and I’m moving to the States in a couple of weeks because of Jongdae.

I had no idea what it was I was supposed to and I didn’t want to think. How could I think when I felt nothing but pain? I didn’t want to move to the states since I wanted to be depressed.

I sat up suddenly and stared at my wall because of a thought.

Maybe going to the states was a good thing. Maybe the states could help me forget. Maybe just maybe.

I know that it seems like I’m a coward but I know that I lost. I never did have Luhan’s heart and when you love someone dearly, aren’t you supposed to follow your heart and not your brain? The heart wants what the heart wants and there’s no denying what it really wanted.

I sighed and flopped down against my bed, closing my eyes. Going to the states sounded good right now, really good actually but what even sounded more amazing was sleep.

I never even had the chance to fall asleep because there was a knocking at my front door. I had half the heart to ignore it and the half to answer. Rolling off my bed would help me answer the question if I should answer the door or not. If I fell onto the floor, then I would answer it but if I didn’t then I wouldn’t. It was a simple as that.

I rolled and felt my body slam on the ground causing me to whine in pain. I didn’t think that I was so close to the edge and now my back hurts. I guess this is what I get for rolling over like it. Slowly, I got off the floor, pushing my aching body to stand up. The knocking kept coming and I yelled for whoever it was to stop. I didn’t even peek out the window to see and instead opened the door.

I was met with a serious looking Jongin who pushed passed me to get inside.

“Do you know?” he hissed. “About Sehun?”

“He’s alive?” I questioned waving my hand and moving towards the kitchen to find something to drink. “Yeah, I know. He came by yesterday. Actually, I don’t remember him leaving.”

“Well he did leave because then he came to my house and stared at me. I swear we had this staring contest before I slammed the door in his face.” My lips formed an o and I found a bottle of water. I raised another one and Jongin took it before sitting rather angrily at my table. “He then started talking through my door and telling me a story of how he couldn’t say anything for two years.”

“I heard.”

“Ugh, what the hell is that guy thinking? Coming two years later and say that he’s alive. I don’t think there’s anything that can surprise me anymore.”

I raised a brow and sat across from him. “He asked Luhan to marry him again.”

“Oh well th- HE DID WHAT?” Jongin looked at me with wide eyes. “Even if he knew that you and Lu were together?”

“He knew alright,” I sighed. “I tried to kick him out of my house afterward but he wouldn’t listen. You know how Sehun is.”

“What’s Luhan’s answer?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him since he told me to hate him but I believe he’s going to say yes.”

“I hope he doesn’t. I hope that he says no and then he comes back to you and pleads for you to take him back.”

I smiled sadly and shook my head, new thoughts in my head. “I want him to be happy.”

“Hyung! You should fight for him!”

“But I’m not.”

“Hyung!” Jongin whined. “Fight for him!”

“What’s there to fight for!?” I shouted startling him. “He doesn’t love me, he never did. He loves Sehun. Do I have to spell it out for you?” Jongin was quiet and I sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just hurt and confused. He dropped everything to run back to Sehun who, mind you, was dead for two years. I… just…”

Jongin stood up and wrapped his arms around me, letting me cry quietly.

“It hurts, Jongin. It ing hurts. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I feel like I've been played with.”

“I’m sorry hyung.”

-

I told Jongin everything that had happened in the past few years. I told him about Han and the crush on Luhan since we were in high school. I told him about what happened these past two weeks and how they were amazing but more importantly, how they were going to stay with me.

“I’m moving, Jongin ah,” I told him after I had finished with my story. His brows were furrowed and his lips were set in a line with his arms crossed over against his chest. “I’m moving to the states for a while.”

He nodded and smiled, his facial expression changing. “I won’t tell anyone. I think that you should be free for a while.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, just make sure to come back okay? I’ll keep you posted about things here.”

“Like a little spy?”

“I’m not little.”

I laughed.

-

I sniffled when Jongin left. As soon as the younger had gone, I had decided that I wasn’t going to cry anymore. Yeah it was going to hurt but after crying for three days straight, it was time to stop. I’ll think of another way to handle my pain.

Maybe two days wasn’t enough to stop crying because I sat with a gallon of ice cream on my lap and a movie, chewing on the spoon and keeping my eyes trained on the blank tv screen, wondering when the hell my life became such a mess.

miki says: and that's that. OTL i've always had a hard time with the last day. i'm sorry that it's not up to par with the rest (this story, though it's not very good OTL anyways, i don't like this chapter.) beware, you guys there's about two or three chapters left and that's it. that includes the epilogue that already written and ready to be posted. i told y'all. i start with the end before the beginning. (ps, y'alls comments really make me happy on the inside, even though this isn't a happy story OTL and other ps, i MIGHT (this is a maybe you guise. a maybe.) write something about the cheng luhan and where he is. this is a maybe though, dont forget that)