I am less than thrilled to leave the comfort and safety of my room today. I leave for class earlier than normal but there are still people here and there, scattered in hallways. Whenever I see a crowd of them, I focus on the floor and my feet. I notice that I need new shoes. These pink converses are wearing out at the edges already.

I try to not mind them, but it’s not easy when they are obviously trying to whisper very audibly, words like “drunk” and “emo”. It’s accompanied with sniggers that disgusts me.

Outside, I walk like I’m a strong pillar, never going to break. But inside? I’m crumbling faster than I thought. I’ve never considered myself as an emotionally strong person. But what else am I supposed to do except to keep a smiling face and let the world know that I’m fine? Or try to convince them anyway… sooner or later, everyone will get tired of doing this. Like I am now.

I drag myself to class with a heavy heart and each step I take is like one more step through this jungle of torture. I’m glad when I can finally sit and wait for Kris. There’s only one or two people in the class and they have their heads in between their arms. I do the same but instead of sleeping, I just close my eyes and pray hard that this is just a bad dream. I don’t even think I want Kris to come. I dread the questions and the pitiful look he will shower me with. I love him like a big brother and I can tell he’s looking out for me too, which is all good. Except, today I just don’t feel like myself. I feel like just blending in with the wall and disappearing completely. I’m almost too scared to see Luhan today. I don’t think I can stand his hyper jumpy self today.

Maybe I really should have seen Baekhyun last night. I feel like sitting in silence with him now.

“Hey Kimmy. Are you awake?” a pointy finger pokes me on my left shoulder and I take my time to sit up and rub my eyes before fixing my bangs.

“Hey Kris, what’s up?” Maybe I should just pretend nothing happened. I keep a passive face on.

“How are you? Slept good?” Kris is looking at me with concerned eyes.

“Yeah, of course. But insomnia, as usual,” I grin but it feels fake. I think Kris can see through me because his face twitches. Inside, I keep telling myself that breaking down in front of him is not an option. Strong, Kimmy. Strong. I don’t break my gaze from his and Kris opens his mouth to say something but stops. He looks away for a while so I do the same.

For once I am paying attention in class. I copy the lecture notes down on my pink notebook. I was doing fine and dandy, until a certain piece of paper with a handwriting that is too elegant appears in front of me.

“Are you REALLY fine?”

I don’t show anything on my face but a little incredulousness as I scribble my reply.

“Yes. Now if you don’t mind, I’m trying to be a good student for once.”

Obviously, he completely ignores my request as only Kris would.

“Don’t be silly, Kimmy. I can tell when you’re pretending. Don’t tell me that you’re not breaking at least a little inside.”

Kris is very straightforward. Sometimes it’s good but other times, more bad than good. Like now. I don’t feel like talking to him about this. I’m pretty sure I can handle it myself, so I reveal my stubbornness.

“I’m fine, Kris. What part of f-i-n-e don’t you understand? Besides, if you want to help, get me ice cream now, gosh the teacher is so boring. I remember why I don’t pay attention now.”

Kris frowns and twirls his pen in his hands before setting its point on the paper.

“Every bloody part. Kimmy, just tell me. What Mai did was low and despicable. But you need to just ignore everyone else, okay? I’m here for you and I bet Luhan, Lauren and Kai are too. The rest are just airheads.”

Usually, I would be laughing at how he chooses words to insult people, but not today.

“Yeah, I know. Thanks Kris, but I can look after myself. Like I said for a million times now, I’m fine.” When I finish writing, it dawned on me. I’m sick of saying I’m fine. Maybe I won’t see Luhan today. Or Baekhyun. I just want to go back to my room and dive into piles of homework.

Homework is easy to work with. It’s just logic. I like it because logic makes sense. That’s the whole point of it, isn’t it? But people…they don’t make sense sometimes. They are too unstable with emotions, like me. But math and English? They have solutions waiting out there somewhere and you just know that there is. It’s a comfort and a motivation at the same time. With people? You never know if there is an answer to them. Can they be figured out?

As if heaven heard my plea, we were dismissed. I pack up my things and Kris waits for me as usual, without a word. When I am ready to go, I push the paper to him where my reply is written in a corner. He doesn’t have time to say anything because I rush past everyone else and out of the class. My feet take me to the little vending machine where I slip in a few bills and got an egg salad sandwich which I stuff in my bag. Lucky I remember to put my head down again before its too late, because the whispers are starting again.

Those condescending eyes… those sneers… I wish I can forget about this. I wish I can run away. I wish the past doesn’t haunt me anymore. These people have the same intentions and thoughts as those kids years ago. I don’t think they’re people. If they are, why can’t they understand me?

“Hey, emo! Watch out, tell daddy not to drink too much now, it’s drunk driver season again,” I heard a shout across the hall and a paper ball hits me on the head. It doesn’t hurt physically, but I can feel myself slowly breaking inside. Laughter all around me. Not the nice kind… the kind that makes you feel like you should be swallowed by the Earth.

“Hey! Shut your mouth! Leave her alone,” Kris’ intimidating voice catches my ear. I glance back but I don’t stop walking. He is towering over a boy, who has no chance with Kris. I don’t need to see his face to guess that he feels small and inferior. The talking lessens and I take it as my cue to walk faster out of this place.

I look back one more time and I see worry in Kris’ eyes. He is trying so desperately to help me and reach out to me, but…

Maybe some other time, okay Kris?