It has now been a full day. A full day and I have not talked to Baekhyun. The worst thing isn’t the fact that he isn’t looking for me. It is also not because he isn’t outside last night when I thought he would be. No. The worst thing is that I miss him. I am furious at myself for even sparing him space in my thoughts. Why is he still invading this private space that is supposedly for my own alone time? I can no longer find the peaceful solitude that I so desperately want right now. He is there, he is everywhere.

Knock knock. “Kimmy?”

I sigh and rub my eyes, reprimanding myself for stooping so low as to hallucinate his voice outside my door.

“Kimmy?” Kimmy, are you there?”

Okay, maybe that isn’t my imagination. I stop breathing momentarily, holding it in. What am I supposed to do now? Do I…pretend nothing happened? Pretend I didn’t see…the…well, whatever I wasn’t supposed to see?

Or do I act cold? Maybe then he might confess to his deed.

Or I could always inquire him.

I walk nervously to the door and swing it open to reveal a confused looking Baekhyun. He looks dishivelled and flustered. His uniform is not tucked in and neat as usual, but his tie is loosened up and I can see the front of his shirt out. He seems to be slightly out of breath. One might expect that if someone were to just finish kissing a girl, I guess.

“Hey Kimmy. I just…I need to talk to you,” he stammers a little, not looking straight to my eyes for more than a few seconds. He is unusually distracted.

“Oh. What about?” I can hear my own deadpanned voice, not a hint of excitement to see him. Is this all an act by me? I can’t tell. I lean against the doorway smoothly, waiting for him to say something. I raise my eyebrows, a signal for him to begin talking. He stares at me funnily before clearing his throat.

“I-um…”

“Did you do something bad?” I look at him innocently, but I mean to strike a blow with my words. Maybe this would help him lay everything out on the table for me to see.

He presses his lips very firmly together and looks away, nodding to himself before continuing.

“I did. I have to tell you about it.”

I knew it. I knew it. It was Baekhyun I saw with Mai. It really was him. I feel hollowness in my body but soon replaced by the feeling of the weight of the sky placed in my heart. I feel like someone is wrenching it together, squeezing it and twisting it and pulling it apart. Despite what is happening inside, I keep a calm composure on the outside, but my lips twitch as a reflex. I am trying hard not to cry, holding in the bitter tears that threaten to burst like an overflowing dam any second now. Tears of betrayal. Baekhyun…

“What is it?” I swallow, regretting the words that came out of my mouth. I don’t think I want to hear it from him now. I don’t need to torture myself.

“I…um, I agreed with the headmaster to go on an exhange student program.” He looks at me imploringly, waiting for me to tell him that he is wrong but that I will forgive him. But of course, this is all just hypothetical. Eyes can lie. I thought I saw love in his eyes, but that was all a lie. Nothing but lies.

And now, he is lying again. Why is he telling me about this? I was expecting to hear about Mai. Clearly, he doesn’t think it is important enough to tell me.

“Oh.”

“Kimmy? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why shouldn’t I be? I am just fine. I am very fine, actually,” I answer coldly. Baekhyun looks at me and his hands reaches up to touch my face but they fall almost instantly. They were barely halfway up when I notice a look of apprehension on his face, like he is struck by some sudden epiphany.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. There was no need,” he says in an annoyed tone.

“What do you mean, no need? Was there anything else that you don’t think you need to tell me?” I drill my eyes on his. I feel a barrier between us, one that is non-existent before, because Baekhyun has never put it up against me. I feel another heavy blow to my already weak mental state. Why is it there now? Is it my fault for asking? Because how is it wrong when he is the one hiding things from me?

“No.” He answers coldly again, and I feel tension in the air. I am tempted to apologize and beg for things to return to normal between us. I do not want him to be cold like this to me. I want his smile. I need to see his smile. I open my mouth to speak but he beats me to it.

“I’m sorry. I guess it’s…good that I am going away for a year or two. It’ll…be good for both of us, right Kimmy?” Baekhyun’s tone suddenly becomes gentle and soothing, a little persuasive.

“A year…?” I choke up. Does that mean…I won’t see him for an entire year and maybe more? I am at a loss of what to do. I really should be mad at him. I should not care at all because what is he to me now?

Just an obsession. Just that.

“I agreed on it already. It wasn’t an easy choice…but they offered me scholarship…and my parents wanted me to take the offer. Well, you have Luhan, right? The year should pass by quick and breezy.” He smiles but it doesn’t completely reach his eyes. The way those lips curve up is different. It is just a casual friendly smile, a careless one.

I nod slowly. I do not understand anything he is saying but that he will leave for a long period of time. A very long period of time…

“What about the graduation? We graduate this year,” I blurt out.

“Oh, the headmaster said I might have to stay for a couple of extra months when I come back. I will graduate with the next batch. With Lauren and Kai, but he will mention it in my resume,” Baekhyun explains patiently.

“Oh. Well, good for you,” I nod. Once again, an awkward silence befalls us.

“Okay, I guess I should…leave you now. Bye Kimmy.” Baekhyun smiles again at me, with something that I understand to be finality behind it. It’s a goodbye smile.

“Bye Baekhyun,” I reply. I smile too but I give him a sad smile. I mean it in every sense of the word. I wish he can see through it. I wish he can read my mind and tell me that this is all a joke, it was all a lie, that he wasn’t outside his room at all yesterday. But instead, I get Baekhyun’s arms around me. His warmth quickly disappears as fast as it came. I feel him leaving me before I can react. I search his eyes for explanation but all I see is … acceptance.

“Bye Kimmy. I am sorry.” He starts walking away.

This is the part where the girl chases after the guy in movies. I always find that scene to be cheesy and pathetic. Now, more than ever, I seem to understand the girl completely, why she would something as outrageous as bawl her eyes out and beg the guy to stay. She would apologize as if everything was her fault, when really it isn’t. She will choke up and admit to being stupid. She will do anything to not let him get away from her grasp.

I take a step out but Baekhyun is fast disappearing. He walks swiftly and smoothly, not a single hitch in his steps. He doesn’t stop. He walks away with ease. He doesn’t look back when he hears my footstep echoing in the hall. No, he doesn’t.

I want to run after him. I want to bawl my eyes out and apologize even though he is at fault. I want to pretend nothing happened. I want to.

But I can’t. Baekhyun disappears at the corner and my heart disappears with him. I am left standing all by myself, a tear rolling down my cheek.

“Bye…” I whisper. 

A/N: So...short chapter..sorrehh everybodeh. OTL but how is it? btw we are nearing the end. very near actually.