I lie down in my bed. I can hear a faint sound from somewhere. It was almost inaudible but I know it is your song again. I closed my eyes, but opened them as fast as I could… because you were there in the darkness. Bringing light and confusion to my heart. I hate listening to your songs. I hate it, yet your albums occupy most of the space in my shelves. I don’t even have a copy of Jackal, yet I have all your albums taunting me.

 

I curled up in my bed. I let your voice wash over me. I can feel pain in your songs and I ache to hug you tight. I want to chase your fears away. I want to kiss those scars life gave you. I want to know, why is your voice so full of pain? I want to be someone who can make you smile, but that won’t ever happen… so until then I’ll just pretend that I am her… the her in your songs. I’ll forever listen to your voice, even if it breaks me apart. It’s the only thing I can do. It’s the only part of you that I can have. Your voice, that voice that I’ll follow even at the end of the world.

_________________________

 

“Ji hyo-yah!” that voice, it’s calling me again. Calling my name, it is not a dream. The only voice that can make my whole world stop. He is here.

 

You make me smile.

You make me laugh.

You make me cry.

I am a ball of emotions crying to be released.

I am happy and sad… I am hurting because of you.

 

“Ji hyo-yah are you okay?” that worried look on your face, please stop it. You are only making me love you more. You are the only one who can make me feel like this... only you but you don’t notice. You don’t have to know.

 

“It’s nothing oppa…” I think I am in love. In love with you who can’t be mine. Please don’t make that face. It makes pretending very hard. No, don’t raise those brows of yours. I don’t want to talk. Please go away. Go away, but I don’t mean it. I know you are waiting but I don’t want to play this familiar game of yours. Go away oppa, but still it is not enough. Not when you look at me like that. Not when you are looking at only me.

 

“Umm I bought your album yesterday… they are really good. It made me cry… especially at All Men are Like That”

“Ji hyo-yah, did something happen? That song’s meaning… did your boyfriend umm did something?” Yes, something big happened. I fell in love with you. I am a bad woman, unfaithful but not regretful. “Nothing oppa… I am just emoting, you know practicing my expressions.”

“Ah, so you have a movie again or drama?”

“Umm maybe an mv for a friend.”

“Why don’t you star in one of my mv next time I release a song again? I am also a friend right?”

“Yes…” I said in a weak voice. We are friends; I am just a dongsaeng to you. I want to go. I don’t want more time to be with you, because I don’t know how much more I can hide this from you. I am afraid to lose you but I can’t be here too. I am afraid that people would know. I am afraid that someone will notice the way I look at you. My little smiles, the hurt look in my eyes... surely time will come when my mong face can no longer hide my emotions. When that day comes, I am only scared that you would no longer even call my name.

 

“Ji hyo-yah…”

As always, I happily look up. That voice, whatever I do, that voice… I still can’t say no. That voice, I know I am going to follow that voice forever. Even if I just become your shadow, it’s fine. I like my little space behind you. I like watching you from here. I will be always here… you only have to call my name.

 

“Ji hyo-yah, let’s go…” I took your warm hand in mine. This feels so right. I glanced at your face. That boyish grin you have makes me feel giddy. I am happy. I am contented. This is my place to you. Later when I go home. With you in my memories, I will listen to your songs again. Alone, as always.

 

----------End of Flashback----------

 

Ji hyo shifted in her bed. She felt regret, grief and other emotions as she reminisced about the past. She loved him so blindly. She thought he did too, but it was now a distant memory… a dreamlike past. She watched her daughter sleeping soundly beside her. A lone tear in her cheek caught Ji hyo’s attention. It clenched her heart as she remembered the scene earlier. Jong kook was hugging her tight. Her daughter joined her father, crying and begging her not to go. Hyo Jong didn’t even know why they were like that. She was shocked. She didn’t even understand what leaving meant, but her child had cried and Ji hyo hurted to see her daughter struggling. She wiped Hyo Jong’s tears away, not realizing it was her tears.

 

Carefully, she got off the bed, not wanting to wake up Hyo Jong. She went to her dresser and took out an envelope. Her hands shook badly as she held it. It was thin, with only three pieces of paper inside, but to her it feels like she is holding the whole world in her hands. She closed her eyes, remembering the sweet old times. The scene earlier is telling her she can trust him. The mother in her is begging her to think of Hyo Jong. The woman in her wants him, but her mind is very vocal in saying no, no more. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her gaunt and tired face looked back at her, her eyes wide with fear. “Is this the right decision?” she asked her reflection, but of course there was only silence.

 

--------------------

 

Jong kook couldn’t sleep. Not after what happened that morning. His family wouldn’t talk to him. Ji hyo never answered him and he is scared. And his sweet angel, Hyo Jong got mad at them. His little girl cried because she was so unfortunate to have a father like him.

 

He was only in middle school. He was hungry. He didn’t want to go to school. His father ate all the food they had after being gone for a long time. His mother tried to give her last piece of bread to him and his hyung, but his father got angry. He couldn’t watch anymore. He wanted to run away, and he did. The idea of being in a gang sounded cool, it was the perfect escape for him. He will have friends, he will have someone that gives him what he wants.

 

Young Jong kook ran as fast as he could. He panted hard as he collapsed in front of an abandoned house. There is no sign of anyone. His heart felt like it is going to burst from his chest any minute. He can see the gang leader’s back as he peeked in a little hole. He gulped seeing the gang beat up somebody. He knows they wouldn’t hurt him. They need him in the group. He touched the door. He hesitated. His mother’s face burned in his mind. He wants this, but his hyung, his omma. Can he really betray them?

 

Jong kook shook off the thought. He isn’t like his father. He is not a gangster. But he just hurt his kid, and the thought is mortifying. Hyo Jong’s tearful face brought back again memories of his past. His ugly childhood that he tried so hard to forget, the past that he promised to never let his kids experience. A figure walked towards him, it was Jade. The time god, for the first time was not talking. He only gave Jong kook a sympathetic pat and Jong kook wished he would talk.

 

Jade started pointing at his neck and Jong kook was confused. Then he remembered the hourglass. He forgot about it as he got used to it. His eyes widened as he saw some drop of sand on the other side. “Jade there is something…”

“I know. That means…” He suddenly vanished and Jong kook can feel another presence in the room. He quickly hid the chain under his shirt and turned around. Ji hyo was standing there. Her face remains blank, so frustratingly unreadable. Then Jong kook noticed the envelope in her hands. He was familiar with it. The seal in it, he saw it before. His omma had one when she divorced his father.

 

Jong kook wanted to speak. To talk to her, but he doesn’t know what to say. He can only stand there with his mouth slightly open. Her face tells him that whatever she has decided on, there is no going back. She approached Jong kook slowly. Neither spoke. Jong kook wished Jade was there so he can calm down even a little. Ji hyo’s gaze unnerved him. He still couldn’t read her. It was obvious though, so he made things easier for them. “Do you want me to sign this Ji hyo?”

“Will you?” with a sigh, he looked her directly in her eyes. Slowly, he nodded. “Only, if you want me to.” Jong kook opened the envelope. He had never thought that one day he would be in his father’s shoes. He wondered briefly if his father hesitated. If he did, was it because of them? Or maybe he was just ashamed of what people will say. Jong kook looked at the first page. Ji hyo handed him a fountain pen. There was something in her eyes. Relief? Happiness? It was hard to say. With trembling hands, Jong kook took the pen from her. He didn’t know how to use it but Ji hyo only watched him. At last, he managed to open it. He turned to the last page and saw his name. He only needed to sign it. He doesn’t want to, Hyo Jong will be sad. He knows Ji hyo is hurt too, but that is the only thing he can do for her. To let her go. "Ji hyo-yah..."

 

Jong kook signed the papers, but the pen had no ink. He looked at Ji hyo in surprise. He doesn’t know what is happening. She looked down, avoiding his inquisitive gaze and then grabbed the papers from Jong kook. "Ji hyo-yah..." 

“Ji hyo-yah…”

As always, I happily look up. That voice, whatever I do, that voice… I still can’t say no. That voice, I know I am going to follow that voice forever.

 

I will be always here… you only have to call my name.

 

---

I am supposed to be working but I am so distracted... people wanted to know the past so the first part is a little glimpse of Ji hyo's memories way back before they got together. It is in her point of view so I hope you didn't get confused. And I know I said it is supposed to be short, like 12 chapters... but turns out it might be longer than my first. It depends though, if people wants to keep it short. Thanks for reading ^^