Don't Leave

The Equation of Time

 

Without waiting for the sun to rise, Jong kook got off from the bed. It was four in the morning, but he felt wide awake. The wild party of the butterflies in his stomach continued until morning, but he didn’t mind it at all. Jong kook had never felt like that before. It wasn’t just happiness and excitement. There was nervousness and fear too. That and a small amount of worry, of fear that things might go wrong, that he might not be able to do everything right. Maybe it was just normal, but he had already made up his mind and his heart approved of his choice. A shiver ran across his body as the early morning wind blew.

 

He looked at his bed and decided to fix it himself, a thing he rarely does. He had always reasoned that he‘d mess it up again anyway. However, today was special, for it may be last time that he will have to make his bed all wrinkled up again.  He walked around his room, like a boy going off to the army. He arranged the action figures he had collected over the years, making sure they were all standing straight. He carefully folded the assorted shirts that he has to leave. He walked over to his desk and opened the middle drawer. Inside were score sheets and scribbles of lyrics that speak of heartaches. It was his image, a balladeer who sings lonely songs, but not anymore. He doesn’t think he can still convey those emotions again, for his heart is only filled with happiness. Never again will he shed another tear.

 

He’ll sure miss the place, but he doesn’t mind it for the exchange is greater. A tailored suit fitted in a mannequin stood in the corner of his room and he made his way to it. He carefully smoothed the suit, fussing over it as if it was a small child. The mixed feeling is still there, but for now he will just think of the things that lay ahead of him.

 

____________________

 

Jong kook made his nth trip to the mirror, carefully scrutinizing all the angles of his look. His best man’s reflection appeared in the mirror, smiling at him. For a moment, they both stared at their reflections. They have the same eyes; their smiles, the shape of their faces, everything is almost the same. “Hyung…” the older man tried to laugh the tears away. They were true men, but at that moment, the tears hold a deeper meaning than narrow perspectives. “Yah, Jong kook-ah… be good to your wife, neh?” His older brother placed his hand on Jong kook’s shoulder tapping him gently. “Of course Jong Myung hyung… I’ll be a better man than… d-dad.”

“That’s right Jong kook-ah… make her happy, as happy as we made our mom. Remember what I always told you… never make a girl cry like how m-mom did.”

“Of course hyung, I’ll never forget it.” Jong kook swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He took a deep breath, wishing that his voice wouldn’t quiver. “Thank you having my back all these years, hyung. I haven’t told you before, but I…” he took a deep breath smiling despite the tears that threaten to fall anytime, “I just want to say that I am so lucky to have you as my hyung.” The older man stared at the floor for a while, and then ruffled the younger one’s hair jokingly. He wasn’t even successful to make a strand of hair move. “Yah, what’s with that speech? You should save that for the wedding rites later, haha. But, actually… I’m luckier to have a dongsaeng like you.” they grinned at each other through the mirror. They were no longer little boys, but they will always be hyung and dongsaeng.

 

The door opened and the brothers both turned their heads in unison. A smile broke in their surprised faces as they see their mom smiling with open arms. The brothers ran, like little boys, to hug their special woman. The woman who gave up everything, even her happiness just for them.

Aigoo, my kids are all grown-up now… aigoo my sons, you’ve all grown up so well, your mom is so happy for both of you. Especially you my youngest, I was actually about to kick you out of the house just so you would find a wife.” Jong kook’s mom gave the boys one last hug before letting them go to fuss over their attires. “Yah, my boys are so handsome…” she dusted and smoothed their clothes looking down, and Jong kook can sense a hint of sadness from her voice. “Omma, are you sure you want to live here alone? You can stay with me and Eun hye…”

“Eyy, Jong kook-ah, does that even make sense? You have just married, how could I? Just visiting me will do.”

“How about me omma? Live with us, I won’t feel easy knowing you are all alone here.”

“Jong Myung-ah, I’ll feel lonelier if you both take me away from here. This is home for me.”

Omma…” the two boys playfully hugged their mom. “Yah you kids, I just told you both that you’ve grown up so what’s with this kid-like attitude? Hurry up, we’ll be late.”

 

________________________

 

Jong kook looked at his watch, it’s still too early to be nervous, but he can’t explain the odd feeling on the pit of his stomach. He looked around, receiving smiles from everyone whose eyes he met. He tried to shake of the weird feeling to no avail. A hand tapped his shoulder, surprising him. “Yah Jong kook-ah, congratulations.” He turned around to face a grinning Jaesuk. He tried to smile but he found it hard to even pretend he is not worried. “Ah hyung thanks… but when you were married, d-did you…”

“Feel nervous? Of course! It’s an exhilarating wait, but don’t worry. Brides like to make grooms wait, this is normal.” Jong kook tried to smile pointing the blame on nervousness, but still he can feel that something have indeed gone wrong. He nervously fiddled with the corset on his suit, turning it, unable to decide the better look. Soon the corset fell on the ground, Jong kook picked it up and the flower snapped right there in his hand. This made him worry, until he couldn’t just stand and wait. He left his spot and went to look for her.

 

_____________________

 

“Eun hye-yah! Eun hye-yah!” he desperately tried to open the door. He called her some more hoping that she’ll hear his voice and then come running to him. His brother grabbed his arms, another person tried to hold him. His mom is crying on another person’s arms. However, he doesn’t care about that. “EUN HYE-YAAAH!” he shouted, his voice hoarse and full of anguish. The people who saw him can’t help but shed a tear. The nation too is crying with sympathy at the love story they watched and loved. He struggled some more, he pushed away the people holding onto him, he dashed to the doors, the bright lights blinding him, there was a sudden pain on his somewhere, he wasn’t sure… and he found himself in darkness.

 

He woke up alone. He wondered where he was, until reality hit him hard. Eun hye. He wondered why they hadn’t placed her in the same room as him. He grabbed the needles injected to his skin, and with a wince, he pulled it suddenly. He walked barefoot in the cold hospital floor. He weakly reached for the door and he was about to open it when he heard his brother’s voice on the other side. “You mean, s-she is…” he was quick to catch that ominous tone to his brother’s voice, so he opened the door slightly, just enough to hear the voices clearly.

“I’m sorry Mr. Kim… we didn’t know, but the patient is indeed two months pregnant. I’m sorry we couldn’t save them.” C-couldn’t save. Pregnant. I-it can’t be…

“I advise you to break the news slowly to the groom. After seeing his behavior a while ago, I think that’s the best for him.” the groom they were talking about took a step backward. D-dead? A child, my baby… my Eun hye…

 

Fat teardrops drenched his face. He took a step backward, tripped on the tube of dextrose he just took off. He can feel himself reeling, falling down as if his legs had turned into rubber. He felt a jarring pain on his side as he fell on something pointed. But he was to numb to feel, to shocked to care about the physical pain, when his insides are being finely crushed. Eun hye… come back to me…

 

A loud scream, his mom probably, his brother’s voice but he couldn’t see them. Another hand touched him, he looked at the owner, expecting Eun hye, but there was no one. He couldn’t even shout or protest anymore as his tears race down his face.

 

________________________

 

When tears are shed and hearts are crushed, you’ll just find more pain beneath. Even if the tears won’t flow anymore, the hurt is there. It is suffocating and even breathing is painful. Jong kook in his rumpled and unshaved state longingly gazed on the tomb. No one knows he had snuck out and came here again. He patted the green grass lovingly as he dropped down on the ground.

 

It has been days, but the hurt is just growing. The day he was to bind himself with the woman he loves, was also the day the ugly accident took her, to a place he can’t go… yet. He remembered calling her name, but there was no answer.

 

He lied down and let what’s left of his tears to fall. He closed his eyes, because doing so lets him see her. She laughed, running in his mind. She was always the cheerful one, her smile made him smile a bit. He felt the warm earth in his hands, “Eun hye-yah… why?”

Don’t leave, don’t speak of separation

Don’t do this

I can’t do this anymore

“Why Eun hye-yah? Why did you l-leave me?”

I try to erase your name

I try to spit out this longing

But it’s useless, I can’t do it

“We even had a baby… is she a girl? A boy? But I’ll never know now…”

We were happy, it was good

But why, why did you leave?

I tried to endure through memories

“I want to be with you, I only want to be with you… I miss you so much.”

I try to smile, but it hurts

I miss you but I can’t see you

It’s useless, only my heart wears out

“Eun hye-yah… I can’t just let you leave… without me.” 

 


The song used here is 'Don't Leave Me' by KJK himself, credits to the translator

 

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racheose
A sequel or a prologue?

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