The house was silent and still. There was no sign of life, but it was just how he wanted it to be. He did not want his family to see him with Eun Hye’s memories. Gap Jin had told him that Ji hyo was still shooting her drama and Hyo Jong was in playschool.

 

The ajumma greeted him with a surprised expression and he could only smile. The elder woman did not ask anymore and quietly retreated to the kitchen for which he was thankful.

 

Jong kook dreaded the truth and hesitated at the foot of the stairs. He gripped the handrails and climbed up thinking how his plans had gone awry. That day he went to Eun Hye’s grave because it was her birthday. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry then come home and prepare a little surprise for Ji hyo, but instead, he found out the truth behind her death.

 

Now he knew why Jong kook wasn’t able to love Ji hyo or accept anyone in his life. He was just so broken. The other him, the future him – he had always held on to Eun Hye. The other him had always blamed himself, always thought that Eun Hye was for him. He was able to hurt others because he was too hurt to see others pain. Future Jong kook never gave himself a chance, nor did he give others the chance to reach him, but his heart betrayed him one day and fell for Ji hyo.

 

He only lived as a punishment. He was living in a nightmare thinking of only Eun Hye, suffering for her death. His existence was for her, to live life for both of them. That was until Ji hyo came along and gave him another reason to walk the Earth, but he didn’t know of it. He had forgotten about feelings, of needing someone. He didn’t realize he was beginning to laugh again, care again… love again. He used the doubts, the old man, to tell himself that he couldn’t love her.

 

Future Jong kook loved her. He just couldn’t admit it because he was so scared. He hadn’t known what was happening to him. He only lived for Eun Hye but then Ji hyo came along and destroyed his lifeless existence. She brought along forgotten emotions, but she also brought fear… the intensity of his feelings for her terrified him. He didn’t want any more pains or emotions, he wanted to be numb, but he never realized running away from her broke him even more. He just thought that it was his love for her that made him hurt. He used every mean to get away from her, leaving a trail of broken hearts, his family, his mother, his brother. Then one day the future Jong kook learned of the truth and he crumbled. Everything became clear to him like how it had become clear to the present Jong kook.

 

The other him was devastated and regretful for pushing her away. The other him thought of all those times he had rejected Ji hyo. He finally realized how lonely he was and how miserable he made everyone. The truth could have given him the chance to finally do the right thing but instead, he sunk further into the darkness. He waited for the time that Ji hyo would finally leave and find happiness away from him because he couldn’t leave her. He never believed that he could give her that, that he could be someone’s happiness. He only believed that he’d destroy everyone who matters to him.

 

Jong kook opened the door to the attic. He was greeted by an eerie silence and he knew that he had come to the right place. He didn’t really know why he went there, but even during the first time he found that place, he had already felt something strange. He went to a corner shelf where the old CDs of X-man were neatly kept. With trepidation, he placed a hand on a random case. He blinked away his tears and took a deep breath.

 

Jong kook pulled the old but well taken care of CD case from the shelf. Coincidentally, it was that episode where he first told her those words. The moment when he first bared his real feelings for her. The memories rushed back to him, making him dazed.

 

“Jong kook-ssi, do you like Eun Hye-ssi?”

 

His heart beat so fast hearing those words. He knew well that she didn’t like him like that. He should say no and just lose, but instead he found that moment the chance to finally tell her. If he would be rejected, he could play it off as part of work, if she says she likes her back… then he could finally ask her out. Without thinking, he covered her ears, and with sincerity –

 

“Of course.”

 

He was almost deafened by the cheers. He couldn’t look at her but he stood straight, like a man. He liked her, maybe even loved her. It didn’t matter if she didn’t feel the same way. He’d still only look at her. That was what his heart said, and that was why despite all the cheers, oddly, he could only hear the fast beating of his own heart.

 

Jong kook smiled bitterly at the old memories the CD brought. He remembered that moment well, those were happy times. Knowing her made everything feel so light, so bright… He never knew about the hurt until she left. Right there in front of her memories, he felt that same feeling again. That same thumping heartbeat, that same deafening pounding in his ears, the same squishy feeling in his tummy. That funny feeling of floating...  but it was not the same anymore. His heart pounded before because he loved her, but now… it was pounding because he felt so sorry. So regretful. He finally understood what the equation was, why Jade had always told him that he needed to choose.

 

 In the end there could be only one answer and it broke his heart because he couldn’t give them both the chance. In the end, it’s either Eun Hye or Ji hyo.

 

There was no mistake about it, it was there. Jong kook took out several more cases and placed them carefully on the floor until a thick notebook came to view. He had finally found Eun Hye’s diary. He was very sure of it. He took the notebook and put back the cases.

 

The old notebook felt heavy in his hands. It was almost eerily speaking to him. It was as if he could almost hear her voice, hear her laughter. Feel her playfulness, feel the way she had once held his hand. She had always been cheery, as if she never had her dark moments.

 

‘ I had always liked the day oppa… I had always liked the light…’

 

She had always hidden her tears, her worries, her secrets. Her light, that was what drawn him to her. She was his perfect angel. But the heavy notebook contained her darkest truths. He almost wished never to read it. So Eun Hye could forever be the perfect angel, so he could fulfill Eun Shin’s wish… that his noona would forever remain the bright girl he loved so much.

 

Your darkness won’t make me change Eun Hye-yah… I’d always think of you as how I saw you in the light… always.

 

It was tempting to put back the book but he knew that he had to go through with this. He walked over to the sofa and weakly collapsed in it. He remembered that day he lay there on Ji hyo’s lap and his heart twinge painfully.  He ached to see her, wished she was there with him. But he had to go and solve the equation alone.

 

You aren’t alone…

 

He felt the tingling sensation on his chest and he smiled. He was not alone. The sparkling hourglass worried him no more even if it was almost full. Jade was there, and just thinking that someone’s there even if it was a crazy god, made him feel a little braver. With a deep breath, Jong kook opened the book but decided to only scan the pages. As much as he could, he wanted to protect the light she had loved so much.

 

----------Eun Hye’s Diary----------

 

I had always dreamed of this since I was young. I wanted to stand there and sing, or dance or act… I didn’t really care. I’d do it even if no one watches, even if the stage is so small. But it changed as I aged… I felt scared. Then my friends asked me to audition for some girl group.

 

At first, I didn’t really know what I‘d do, until I was pushed to stand on stage. I wanted to run away, I was scared to make mistakes, scared to hear hurting words from the judges… but then I heard that thunderous sound of applauses. I craved for it, the cheers, the praises... I had found my dream again…

 

-----

 

Everytime I went up on the stage, I waited for that feeling. I waited for that soaring excitement, waited for the cheers. Then finally, I heard my name and little by little… the stage felt home. It was where I belonged.

 

-----

 

All good things come to an end. I knew that but when it came, when we were disbanded, I was devastated. I tried to be positive… I tried to hide how badly I felt. That day I stayed on our last stage until everyone else had gone. I just stood there. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance… but I just stood there, my face covered in tears. It’s not yet the end… I’d stand there again next time with a crowd waiting for me…

-----

 

There is this one person I really admired but he doesn’t know who I am or maybe he did? I just wish… we’d meet someday. We are the same. Like him, I will also come back. I’ll be back.

 

-----

 

Today I found myself on another kind of stage… with that man who taught me that I could stand up again. I think for the first time… I had another reason to love the stage, because I am with him. Even if I don’t hear loud cheers anymore… I can hear that person’s heart shout my name. It was enough, I was happy.

 

-----

 

There were those kinds of days when you feel extremely happy. You wouldn’t care if you looked like a fool. It doesn’t matter if you look like a mess or if your room is messy, or if you haven’t bathed yet. You could still be beautiful… you could still be loved, he made me believe that. I was lucky to find him… He is now my stage.

 

-----

 

I should be happy. But what is this empty feeling? Why am I crying? I love him… it should be enough. I don’t belong to the stage anymore. I belong to him now… but then the tears wouldn’t stop. My heart wants to be happy… but my dreams wouldn’t let me…

 

-----

 

I went back to the place where we had our last performance as a group. Like that day in the past, I stood there alone in the darkness. I was so scared… but then I was not really alone. I have another life with me now. He and the baby… they should be enough reason to go on. But the stage wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t want to choose. I shouldn’t choose… I shouldn’t have given myself a choice…

 

-----

 

This is the right decision. His smile when I said yes… it was priceless. But I wonder if he’d still love me when he discovers what a selfish monster I am? I am really sorry…

 

------

 

Someone finally knew… and I’m so scared. They didn’t want you… they want me to give you up… It’s so horrible my child. I wish he’s here… my child, forgive your mother. Forgive me if I didn’t say no right away…

 

They saw through me… my fears, my worries. They know and they’re using it against me. But then don’t worry my child, your weak mother said no. I’m sorry my child, but don’t worry, we’ll make it through. No matter what, we’ll make it or we’ll both be gone, tomorrow we could finally tell your appa about you…

 

-----

 

I love you Kim Jong kook… if ever something happens along the way… I only wanted to think that you’d understand. I only wish for the impossible that you’d forgive me, but now I can only say sorry… sorry…

 

We’re going to you now… but if, if I don’t make it… believe me, I always love you… that I didn’t want to do it. I am so sorry that I was scared…

 

I love you Kim Jong kook and my Eun Hee,

 

My dear Eunie...

 

--------------------

 

If death could be felt when you are conscious, Jong kook thought he just did. That a part of him died again. Eun Hye loved the light, the stage, maybe even more than she loved him but all that changed. She changed because of the miracle that is Eun hee.

 

Eun Hee, she’s our Eun Hee… our Eunie…

 

He dropped the book open and breathed hard, battling the sobs threatening to escape. She wasn’t a shadow anymore she was Eunie.

 

Eunie, our Eunie…

 

He stared at the black paper that fell on his lap and he cried out when he saw what it was. It’s Eunie, the paper he was holding was actually an ultrasound picture, and now everything was just too real… that his happiness seemed to be just a dream. More painful. More raw.

 

He looked at the small form, wondering how she would have looked now. If she would be fair like her mother or dark like him. He knows for sure she’d be strong and pretty. She was already so beautiful in that little piece of paper. He gently caressed the picture, as if scared of breaking the only connection he has with the unborn life. He could only call the little one’s name as if it could make her come back, while his tears made a visible spot on his shirt. His little girl, his precious child like Hyo Jong. It was not anymore just a child he lost, but their Eunie.

 

But then, there would be no Ji hyo and Hyo Jong…

 

He loves Ji hyo and Hyo Jong, but he couldn’t just throw away the past. He couldn’t wish for anyone to be gone and it hurt him deeply. It was so hard, he didn’t want to pick, and he’d just be a coward and let fate choose. He’d just believe that his past weren’t destined to end up in the future.

 

I’m sorry my little Eunie, I’m sorry appa didn’t know…

 

He closed the notebook and staggered out of the door. As he passed by the master bedroom, he could almost see Ji hyo there. She was standing and smiling at him. He broke her trust before but she gambled and believed in him again. The other him hurt her but she was still there, still loved him, and there was Hyo Jong. He missed her so much. He wanted to see his little angel, hear her laughter, her voice calling him appa but then he felt so regretful that his Eunie couldn’t do the same… she won’t ever call him appa.

 

It was not a betrayal but his heart ached too much. He was protecting Eun Hye, it was between them but he wondered why he felt so terrible. As if, he was a traitor to Ji hyo and Hyo Jong.

 

-------------------------

 

The rain harshly poured over Seoul, but one man didn’t care. He ran to a gate and prayed hard that the only person who could shed light over what really happened still lived there. He pressed the buzzer and waited. It had been 5 minutes and he was soaked. He shivered as a gush of wind passed by. He was about to press the button again when the door opened.

 

“Jong kook-ah? Is that you?” the heavyset woman asked, ushering Jong kook inside without waiting for his answer.

 

-------------------

 

“Our baby… is he fine? Oppa, our child…” Ji hyo blinked, her tears uncontrollably racing down her cheeks. She just felt so lonely, so worried. She looked apologetically to the man in front of her and he only smiled and patted her head. It wasn’t supposed to be like that, but she couldn’t help her emotions and the word ‘cut’ didn’t echo in the room so they continued the scene.

“Kyung-ah… it’ll be fine.”

 

Ji hyo lost her strength and her hands weakly fell on her lap. “Something’s wrong… it feels… all wrong…” she muttered, the blanket covering her lap now soaked with tears. It was no more an act, but reality. Something was definitely wrong. She could feel it, but she couldn’t name it.

 

“Cut!” director Choi hit the slate. The staff rushed to the equipments and the stylists fussed over the actors. “Ji hyo-yah, that was a good scene, you forgot a line but I’ll keep it because I really liked the way you acted.” Ji hyo muttered a grateful thank you, her eyes still watery and her heart heavy.

 

They had already filmed for a week but he hadn’t yet to show his face on the set. She told him not to go but she didn’t mean he couldn’t ever visit. Now he had been gone a day and still hadn’t called her. When she heard that he slept over at his mom’s she knew there was a problem but she only waited for him.  She doesn’t want him denying things if she asked him. When it comes to Jong kook, she had learned that the man would only tell her answers if he wanted to, not when asked, although she felt that somehow he was starting to change that worrisome habit.

 

She heard the director praise In Sung but she was facing the window. The clouds were dark and even if she couldn’t hear it, she could tell that the rain was pouring hard. All she could think of was Jong kook and if he was fine. She was getting scared and couldn’t wait to see him. She felt like he was going to just disappear one day, the sight of him worried and scared of something. What if... he leaves her? He wouldn’t… he won’t…. ever leave. Right?

 

She looked at her manager but she shook her head – Jong kook still couldn’t be reached.

 

While the beautiful woman prayed for the man she loved so much, the said person walked in the rain as if he was floating. His eyes were lifeless. The brown orbs lost their warmth and their recently acquired glow. He was shivering in the cold rain but his mind refused to care about that, only thinking about the new information stored in it.

 

He couldn’t forget her, he couldn’t hate her. How he pitied that poor frightened girl. He didn’t know what was what anymore. He was just walking aimlessly, not sure of what to do next. Should he tell Ji hyo? What about his mission? What was the mission actually?

 

 

---------The Manager’s Confession----------

 

“I waited for this time to come… what took you so long? I wanted to tell you, but…” He found himself inside the house of Min, Eun Hye’s manager. She asked him if he wanted coffee but he only shook his head.

“Ah, I forgot. You don’t drink coffee. I’ll get you tea unless you want something else?” He struggled to find his voice but it was so hard to speak. He didn’t want to stay longer. “I know you don’t want it… but just, I mean, it’ll make you feel better,” she said, and then disappeared to the kitchen.

 

Min returned with a towel and a cup of tea. She served it gingerly in front of Jong kook, never meeting his eyes. For a while, the two only listened to the sounds of distant rumblings and of the rain while Jong kook dried himself.

 

“The truth…” Jong kook said, breaking the silence. No more running away, Eun Hye sent him there.

 

“I know… I had waited for you to come but you never did.” The older woman fidgeted on her seat, shifting uncomfortably with her eyes downcast. She raised her head and looked at Jong kook, with tears in her eyes, and guilt, sorrow, regret. She was a troubled woman, someone who had carried a heavy burden for a long time. His fears grew each passing minute, he didn’t know anymore what to expect.

 

“I know you’d come. For years, I waited instead of coming to you… it was, unforgivable. I know I don’t even deserve to look at you whom she loved so much. I killed her, if not for me...” she said, almost in a whisper that Jong kook doubted if he heard it right. “I caused her death, I could’ve saved her…” Those words, it stabbed painfully like a knife.

 

“That night, I found out about the baby. It was bad, she could have died but I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I was scared, I was selfish… I want to blame the world because it was their cruelty that stopped me from saving her but I know I could only blame myself. I was scared of losing my job, the company wasn’t pleased. They didn’t want the media to know.

 

“We were able to make it through but they wanted to cover up… Eun Hye was asked to give up the baby but she didn’t want to. I persuaded her but she said no… she didn’t want to but I saw that little loophole, she also wanted out and I used that until she said yes…

 

“I don’t know if she even slept that night but when I came to her, she said she’d do it. I was surprised because I thought she’d have the abortion after the wedding but then, I thought she was just afraid that she’d change her mind when married to you already. I didn’t question her, she was trembling and I was feeling so sorry. She was so beautiful in her wedding dress, but I couldn’t look at her face… it was too h-heartbreaking… I thought of just driving to the church but, I didn’t. When we were there, she cried so hard and I gave her the keys, I told her it was her decision to make… she chose you but she didn’t make it.

 

“Even if the accident didn’t happen, she would have died on the way… she bled to death. We crashed near the lake but not in it. I went to call for help but when I came back she was in the waters and I was ordered to follow orders... they did it to make her death more meaningful. It’s so sick and cruel, but I couldn’t do anything.” She could only look at him sadly. No one paid attention to the broken china cup, or Jong kook’s bloody fist.

 

“I wished I went to you earlier Jong kook, but they’d know if I ever approach you and it’d bring you troubles.”

“Did, did she… leave peacefully?” She didn’t answer and Jong kook wished he didn’t asked.

 

 “She died thinking of only you…. she said, “forgive me’. ‘I love you Jong kook, Eunie’… those were her last words and she kept on repeating… it was so heartbreaking to hear her call you and Eunie.”

 

He could only stay silent and clench his fists angrily. This is a fight he could win but the loss was too great to make it worthy. He could gain justice for their loss but then it means bringing Ji hyo and Hyo Jong more heartache.

 

“If you want to get it investigated, we have high chance of winning… I will help, but I understand that you have your family too. It was what made me silent years ago. Eun hye would understand… she only wanted you to forgive her.”

 

The older woman nodded slowly then she saw the murderous look in Jong kook’s eyes. He’s still the old Jong kook who had always been protective of everyone who mattered to him, but she was a bit relieved that what she saw was something out of guilt and responsibility. The younger one had moved on… he only needed to realize that.

 

“Lad, I know you’d want to do something for her… I want that too, but she understands. Trust me that she does. Eun Hye wouldn’t want you to mourn her forever.” Jong kook fought back the tears, finding no comfort in those words. Maybe it’s true, but still, he wasn’t able to do anything for her. Forgiveness just felt so little. He wanted to do more.

 

“I’ll go now…,” he said coldly, his voice stripped of emotions other than pain and suffering. He was the real picture of anguished misery. Min sighed and awkwardly touched his arms, wishing she could do something. She had carried the secret for years and it was hard but she was at fault while Jong kook… she couldn’t even imagine how it was for him.

 

“Take care and you know…  Eun Hye only cared about herself until you came. She was a lonely child but you changed her and made her smile. You have done a lot for her and I know she is thankful, she’d hate it if you blame yourself, don’t...” she said and for a while, Jong kook felt a strange shiver run through his body. It felt like, even if it was utterly impossible, but it was as if Eun Hye had spoken those words herself.

 

…stop thinking it’s all your fault…

 

It’s not your fault kid…

 

… you couldn’t fix everything…

 

…blame yourself, don’t…

 

Ji hyo, his mom, Jade… and now Eun Hye, every one of them is telling him one thing that he couldn’t help it. He went out to the rain and ran, ignoring the shouts behind him. For a while, he just let his legs take him wherever, keeping his mind preoccupied with exhaustion so he wouldn’t think of anything. He tripped and landed on his front. He looked up and he realized he was lost.

 

--------------------

 

Jong kook reached an empty park and he chose to sit on a bench, finally feeling the searing pain in his ankle. It was badly hurt but he wished the pain would make him forget the one in his chest… it didn’t. How could people be that cruel to a mother and a child? How could they use her dreams against her?

 

Jong kook looked up when he felt someone shield him from the rain. He met Jade’s eyes and the time god seemed to be protecting him against the drops with some sort of invisible force. “Jong kook-ah, you have wandered around too much now. It’s time to go.”

“Where?”

 

 

 

---

I'm so sorry for not updating DX I didn't know my thesis woud stress me like this (actually it's the profs...)

I'm not sure how this came out because of reasons but I never really wrote any chapter like I did with this one so I'm sorry if it's bad... still thanks for reading you  

Special thanks to my personal angel (you know who you are) :)