I shivered as the cold wind blew. The pain was making me uncomfortable. My body, my heart… it felt like they’ll soon give up. My whole being screamed at me, wanting to let go. I wanted to surrender. No matter how hard I try to fight, I have no more will left. I am empty. I am just a façade, a robot. I am not myself anymore. I wrapped the thin cloth tighter around me. As I looked up the sky, snow started to fall. It will soon be Christmas. A season I’ve really liked since I was a child. Sadly, it lost its meaning as the years went by. I no longer look forward to it. It will just be another day spent in loneliness.

 

Surprisingly, I found myself smiling. I grinned… So this body can still have these kinds of emotions. Even if there is no hope for me, I still have something to look forward to. How can I forget? It was the only reason I still exist. It was the only reason I haven’t given up yet. Even if this may be just a lie, I’ll just allow myself this little freedom. Even if it’s just for a while, I don’t have to pretend I am happy because I am, with them… with him.

 

My eyes scanned the surroundings as soon as I arrived. Automatically I bowed my head to everyone. A tap from behind made me jump. He stood there smiling. My heart leapt, someone is happy to see me. Someone still wants me. I won’t ever forget it. For a while, I am bare, under his gaze. He saw through my mask and for a split second, I wanted to tell him everything... but no I can’t be that selfish. I know he saw something, but he only nodded as if he understood. I’m just imagining things… but still that fleeting look of worry, it was enough to keep me going until we met again.

 

My heart was racing against my chest as I felt him casually drape his arms around me. Despite the cold, I was very warm, though my I felt queasy. Can I really do this? For a while, I wasn’t Ji hyo. I wasn’t Seung Im either. I was just me. I looked at him and he smiled warmly. I let myself enjoy the moment. “Ji hyo-yah… I don’t know why you are so jumpy, but don’t forget that we got to win this okay?” I can’t cry, I told myself that numerous times. This man, how can he say the right things when he doesn't know the truth? He told me to fight; but how, when I am powerless? “Oppa, why should we think like that? Shouldn’t we just enjoy filming?”

“Yah, are you really Song Ji hyo?”

“Why?”

“The song Ji hyo I know always wins.”

“I don’t win all the time oppa.”

“Yes you do. Who cares about the prizes? You’re a winner when you tell yourself you are. Be strong Seung Im-ah, trust me… you can do this.”

“But…”

“No buts… I won’t allow you to fail. Trust us.” And I can only bow my head as I walked meekly behind him. As I always did, I watched his back.  Just knowing he was there made me feel safe. Every smile made me feel that I mattered. With every word, I was falling deeper into the abyss. I don’t know how much longer I can have these precious moments, but I will forever treasure them. I can feel my eyes getting warm. This is not right, I shouldn't but I can't help it. I wonder… will oppa ever see me as a woman? Or will I just be forever a dongsaeng. I sighed, I was asking too much. Either way will be good enough, either way, it is something I don’t really deserve.

 

“Ji hyo…” His voice, his gaze, what it does to me. I don’t know if I am dreaming or I am just delusional. But when I am with you, all I want is to forget. Once again, I was met by an understanding gaze as if he was permitting me to do so. And for a while, I am free.

 

I trusted him and we didn’t fail. I won.

 

------------back to present-------------

 

Ji hyo looked at the direction Jong kook had gone through. He was taking a long time to return, not that she was worried but her thoughts were troubling. She has a nagging feeling in her gut that she can’t name. She knows she is a fool but she just can’t feel any hate towards him. She loved him so much even after he changed from her oppa to her yeobo. At first, she felt like she deserved everything for lying to him, for taking his freedom. Then after some years, she couldn’t do it anymore. She begun to hate herself then him, but now… she couldn’t get mad at him. Ever since that night when he unexpectedly came home, she had these weird flashbacks. She felt like she had traveled back in time. The only difference was that, she was still there but her husband felt like a person who was reset into how he was four years ago. It was an unexplainable feeling, or maybe this was what they call forgiveness?

 

She let her thoughts wander, reminiscing the precious week that passed as Hyo Jong silently gobbled up her food. Last night, the hug in that cold place made her feel so loved and safe. It had been so warm even if she knew the temperature was enough to freeze people. His gaze, there was no hate or disgust or even doubt. Her case was something that normally you wouldn’t believe, but all she saw was acceptance. He accepted her. He didn’t even ask any questions. The way he looked at her. The way his voice sounded when he called her name… There was always care and worry with every word and gaze. She just forgot everything. She wanted that bubble to remain. It was like he had created a world where all that mattered was them. She almost feels like he loves her. He makes her feel loved, as if she was finally his woman. “Omma, why is appa taking so long?”

“I don’t know Hyo Jong-ah. Maybe he got lost.”

“But he is the commander. He doesn’t get lost.”

“Neh, that’s right. Let’s just wait for him okay?”

“Neh! But omma… can you buy me ice cream? Please, please omma?” Ji hyo can only nod while she scanned the place. There was still no sign of Jong kook.

 

-------------------------

 

“Yah, quit daydreaming will you?” He wanted to talk back but he knew people were already staring at him curiously. He ignored Jade and got his salad. He walked aimlessly as he played back in his mind what he had seen. Those three girls gave him bad vibes. It felt like they were part of the puzzle. He knows it is absurd but he can’t shake off the bad feeling. “Why do you doubt kid? You had just traveled through time, what more can’t happen?” He looked blankly at Jade. There were times that he just wanted to strangle the time god. “Yah, keep those hands away from my neck. You can’t strangle an invisible person right? And speaking of necks, have you forgotten about that thing on yours?”

 

Jong kook looked at his own neck and was surprised at the hourglass. A great amount of sand had already dropped to the other side. He should be feeling happy because every drop meant a mission accomplished, but it troubled him. “You don’t want to go home Jong kook? Is that what you’re scared of? That if you go home, future you will come back and your little family will be back into misery? Are you scared of that?” This time, he can only look far away. All this time he had kept silent but all of Jade’s words echoed painfully in his head. It had been what, a week? It felt like years to him. 

 

“I understand you bro… Remember, the final choice is what matters.” With that Jade was gone and Jong kook was left to ponder on his chaotic thoughts.

 

-------------------------

 

“Hey, I am sorry for taking so long…” Ji hyo silently observed him. She bit her lower lip when he averted his eyes. Something was wrong with him and Ji hyo could tell he was trying to hide it albeit unsuccessfully. What is it? He looked at her and for a while, it was as if time had stopped and she saw it. Guilt. Was he doing it because of guilt and not because he had feelings towards her? She knows he can’t help the guilt after everything that happened but she wanted to start afresh. They weren’t some dues he needs to pay back, they were family. She realized it was true, she had forgiven him. The pains had started to heal, if only he too would already forgive himself, then they would be happier now. If only he would tell her, but he didn't say anything. She silently watched him, scared he will put up a wall between them again. He looked so down, but his gaze was still loving as he faced Hyo Jong, that look of worry. She knew she shouldn’t doubt what he showed her in the past week, but the Jong kook in front of her looked more scared, and it was because of them. She wanted to reach out and tell him it’s okay, but she only watched him. He waited for her, he didn’t nag… and so will she. She will not question him.

 

“Hey Hyo Jong, is that an ice cream stain I see on your face?” Jong kook looked at Ji hyo who was eyeing him curiously then to Hyo Jong but the two females wouldn’t speak. He scowled and told Hyo Jong to say ‘aaah’. “Why appa?”

“I need to check for cavities. Say aaah, let me see baby.” He kneeled down to his daughter and Hyo Jong did as she was told and Ji hyo playfully hit Jong kook on his head. “Hey, does that make sense? It was just a scoop. A kiddie scoop if that makes you feel better.” He hesitated but Ji hyo was glad to see that he looked more relaxed.

 

“Appa, you know omma too…” Hyo Jong giggled and Jong kook laughed at her. The little angel’s laughter soothed him. It made his world feel lighter. It made him want to stay. Hyo Jong pointed at her mom with a mischievous smile as if she had a really, really big secret she was hiding. Jong Kook stared intensely at Ji hyo’s face while he tried not to laugh.

 

Ji hyo let out a deep breath as Jong kook stared at her intensely. She knows he is just playing along, but that gaze. It sent the butterflies in her stomach dancing wildly as the other parts of her melted.  Her knees weakened and she was thankful she was sitting down. It was suddenly so warm she can feel her face reddening.

 

 “What did omma do?” The little girl pulled him close and whispered in his ears, ‘ice cream’. For a while, he was puzzled when Hyo Jong looked at him as if she was waiting for something. It suddenly occurred to him that the little one wanted him to also do the cavity check to Ji hyo. He laughed and nodded to Hyo Jong. She nodded back at him and giggled. “Song Ji hyo, your daughter says you ate ice cream too.”

“Nope… I didn’t.” She didn’t really know why she said that. She acted hurt and Hyo Jong laughed.  Jong kook raised his brows at her but it was his chuckles that sent tremors through her body. She was suddenly aware of the tight shirt he was wearing and how those jeans hung dangerously low on his hips. Involuntarily she her dried lips and she caught him blushing. She wished they were home. “Uh, Hyo Jong tells me otherwise. Why don’t we check?” He stood up and walked closer to her. She can feel her cheeks burn and she silently cursed herself. Why was she acting like a hormonal teen right now? She wondered if he was just acting cool or he was really oblivious to her uneasiness. Beside them, Hyo Jong was laughing, thinking it was funny seeing her mom caught by her health-nut father eating ice cream.

 

“Open your mouth.” His finger grazed her lower lip sending waves of pleasure down there. She noticed Jong kook gasp and it was comforting to know that she’s not the only one who can feel the tension. For a while, he stared at her, confusion, guilt, reluctance... He was so easy to read. It was clear that because of his guilt that he wouldn’t touch her, or so she hoped. She wanted to say it was okay but her pride wouldn’t let her. So slowly, she averted her gaze and opened . An audible sigh escaped those pursed lips and Jong kook once again turned away from her. She just watched longingly as Jong kook lectured Hyo Jong about sweets.

 

--------------------

 

Jong kook trembled as he stared at the phone. He felt so ashamed of himself. The way Ji hyo looked at him earlier made him hurt so much. Despite those affairs, she still wanted him. She still loved him. Part of him wanted to forget about the mission and just make sure no one can ever touch them again. He wondered about Jade’s words earlier… Was he scared? Yes he was. He is scared of himself and what he can be. Then there's that voice in his head that tells him to stay. He looked at the sand in the hourglass. It meant he did something right but what happened if he finished everything? 

 

He buried his head on his pillow and screamed. His head hurts so much. He doesn’t want to know the truth anymore, but he needs to go through with this. He needs to find out for Ji hyo. With shaking fingers, he pressed a number, fumbling with the foreign technology.

 

A song answered him. It was familiar and he realized he had heard it on the news earlier. “Hello? Oppa?” answered a female voice and he stiffened.  “H-hello, let’s meet up.” There was silence on the other line followed by the sound of papers being shuffled. “Okay, the hotel?”

“No… not there.”

“Okay, I understand. I’ll send you the location, somewhere private would do?” He nodded and then realized the other person couldn’t see him. He was about to say yes when his phone suddenly rang. He looked at it and it had a message about the location of the meeting. He saw the words now and suddenly he regretted not waiting until morning.

 

“Where are you going?” Ji hyo looked at him curiously. He couldn’t even meet her eyes and he knew this was a big mistake but he needed to know. “Actually… I am meeting RecCo.” She raised her brows then her face brightened as if she remembered something. Jong kook felt cold. He wanted to back out but he couldn’t. “Is that the new idol group from your company?”

“You know them?”

“Of course. I even know more about idols than you do yeobo. Ah it’s their debut today.”

“Neh, they asked me to drop by. I will go home after I greet them.”

“Aigoo, it’s okay. Go and have fun.”

“Thanks Ji hyo-yah.” Did he really make it? He was a very poor actor that even he knew a stranger could tell if he had lied. Before he could mess up anything again, he hurried out of the house. Ji hyo only sighed as he went pass her.

 

He’s still no actor… Jong kook-ah… what is it?

 

--------------------

 

Jong kook tried his best not to attract any attention as he walked towards the entrance. He had been in these kinds of places before to hang out with friends. He despised it but sometimes he gave in and sulked quietly in a corner. The bar was loud and more than half of the people inside had already lost their sanities to liquor. A drunken woman suddenly clutched his arm while she tried to his behind. He almost punched her right then but controlled himself. He signaled to a bouncer and in no time, Jong kook was lead to a private room.

 

He went inside and the smoke filled space made him gag. Inside were three girls whom he recognized as the group of RecCo. One of the girls in the corner was obviously passed out from drinking. The other one was making out with a young man who also looked like an idol. The girl pushed her lover and grinned at Jong kook. “He’s still a …” Jong kook cringed at the foul words but at the same time, he wondered why he was called that. “Yah! Yeon Sun-ah go and get a room will you? Make sure you use condoms and avoid the paparazzi,” said the woman from the hotel. The couple brushed past him and left. His heart raced but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. “I knew you’d come one day. Thanks.” She stood up and passed him an envelope. “There, our deal is done. I will forget about this and you make us rich and famous. Don’t worry, everything is there.” Once again she slumped on the sofa. A deal, so I made them debut for ... He cringed as if he was really the one who committed the act. Jong kook wanted to ask her more but he also wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

 

He weighed the envelope in his hands and sighed. He might as well know what’s inside before bringing it home. He opened it and his heart almost dropped at its contents. It was he, with the woman in front of him. He couldn’t even stomach looking at it. Dread filled him as if he was being doused in cold water. He swallowed the bile at the back of his throat and forced himself to quickly assess the other evidence. The other pictures revealed that he had slept with all the members of RecCo. He felt like his world was spinning and closing in on him. How? He couldn’t even think anymore. He wanted to crawl back into a hole and never come out again. Sure, he did know about this. He knew he was a filthy bastard, but the truth laid bare in front of him still shocked him. “W-we, d-did… sleep together.” And the truth echoed painfully in the hateful place. “Why are you so shocked ajusshi? And what do you mean slept together? Hah, you’re a , you can’t do it.”

“What? The last time we met, you said I called you.” She gulped down a shot of a strong looking liquid and exhaled loudly. She smirked at him and Jong kook almost wanted to strangle her right there but he knew he was more at fault here. He carefully measured her words but it was odd. Why did she sound like she was mocking him? It certainly felt like there was more. He quickly looked at the hourglass and sure enough, the amount of sand in there was still the same. That means he still hasn’t cracked the whole truth.

 

Reeling, he sat down on an empty chair as he watched the woman down her drink. He had heard of this before and it was common in the industry. Sponsors, , trade, drugs, connections, not everyone could reach the top with only hard work or talent. Sometimes no matter how good you were, it just wasn’t enough. Then they had these options and he loathed it. Even he had received offers but of course, he had turned them down. There were times he said yes to the dinners and private meetings but never on this kind of flesh trade. He wouldn’t even be surprised if they did drugs. He mentally took note to clear this up to Shi yoon and placed him next on his list of suspicious people. From what Ji hyo told him, Shi yoon wanted a haven, a home for celebrities where they could just do their craft peacefully, but what was this in front of him... it didn’t make sense.

 

The woman was now drinking straight from the bottle without a care. She kept on chuckling and whispering some incoherent words. Jong kook didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to force her and she did not seem to be in the right mind to talk. He wanted to leave. He almost stood up when he caught something that made the hairs on his neck stand. He rushed to her side and shook her. “What did you say? Hey! Wake up, chaebal… tell me.” Once again she smirked. Her eyes are drooping as if she was falling asleep. He felt desperate. He knew if not now he will never know. If they wanted the top he’ll give it to them, he didn’t care anymore. He has to make sure. “Don’t touch me.” He was taken aback and he was pushed to the ground. “Don’t touch… Didn’t we already sleep together? Tell me did someone ordered you to do this?”

“You never called. I did. I planned this.”

“Tell me.” I didn’t call… I didn’t… the pictures, it was blackmail.

“ , go get yourself a .” Technically, she was still a hoobae and an artist under his company. He wanted so badly to discipline her and put her in the right place but he couldn’t, since she was a ticking time bomb. He felt so mad, so frustrated at himself, at her. He knows he can’t be mistaken, he had heard it clearly.  The young woman had said ‘old man’. The thought of that man ruining him and Ji hyo made his blood boil. He can’t really run to Ji hyo and tell her ‘I was blackmailed’ because he knew he shouldn’t have let anyone do that in the first place. It was still his fault.

 

“Tell me your plan. Rub it in my face, tell me how great you are and mock me.” The woman smirked but he held his ground. “I tricked the great Jong kook. I made this and Yeon Sun and Ahn Sun. We took pictures but we didn’t each other of course kekeke. You kept on shouting her name when we played, you were so annoying.” She stopped and Jong kook had to shake her again lest she lost consciousness. She reached again for the bottle but it was empty. “I’ll buy you more. The waiter already got some okay. Talk to me while you wait for it. Tell me what did we do?” I shouted her name, I didn’t do it… I was forced… but still... if she knows of this, it will hurt more because I didn’t tell her…

“You shouted Seung Im, Seung Im despite the drugs. The old man said… if we drug you and took those pictures we will be famous.” His face darkened now that he confirmed the ‘old man’ was involved. He needs to find him but before that he needs to make sure of one more thing. “I called you last time right, you told me. I was there with you.”

“I lied, you know I lied. Ahn Sun was shooting a video so I had to act. It would have been better if you responded so it will look realistic… but oh well, just make sure we get to the top.” He had never cheated on Ji hyo but he couldn’t feel relieved. He wasn’t such a monster but he was a coward. He may not have done it, but still the fact that he hurt her was there. Then there’s this dreaded question but he had to ask it. “W-where is the old man?” I was tricked, it was all a show...

 

“He is a worker in some company. You gave him his job… pfft. You were betrayed by your friend Kim Jong kook-ssi.”

---

- Thank you for reading! I tried to post this earlier but I can't get in the angsty mood because I kept on laughing. With that reason I decided to keep the chapter 17, who knows maybe we will have some latecomers hahaha . I didn't knew my prank could really troll people, sorry but thanks you all made my day XD (sorry I had a really good laugh hahaha)

-Sorry for the lenght, I had too much fun exploring their thoughts and again like chap8, the first part is Ji Hyo's pov... I hope it wasn't too confusing.