When does love end? When does the pain disappear? Some are lucky to know, but others leave this world without ever knowing the answer.

 

There is no answer, no truth but only something, that will make you content and divert your attention away from the matter. Love may fade, but will never be forgotten. You will put away the old memories and lock it in a box but there would be days when you’d come back and open it. Sometimes when it comes, you will shrug it off or you will welcome it like an old friend or a sworn enemy who passed by for a moment.

 

You will try to move on. You will walk forward. You will try to be happy. You will try to love again, ignore the pains and the worries or do the opposite. You will live on. There will be bad days, you will cry, you will get angry... but you wouldn’t spend every minute of your life moping in the corner. You’re bound to laugh over a silly joke, fake a smile, eat, sleep and pretend it will be fine or that it’s all right. You wouldn’t notice it but you’re starting to do something else.

 

Some people will embrace the past. Sometimes you just don’t want to let go. You will feel guilty because you weren’t as sad or as in love as before when you were so sure of what you feel. You’ve been so loyal and you hate the change. You will sit with your memories, chuckle and cry with the past and try to hold on. You will remember how it used to be. Until the day when you can’t recognize your feelings anymore. You will change. The world will change no matter how much you try to avoid it.

 

There would always be that dull feeling but then people will come and go. You will start to see something good again. You will deny everything and you will be frustrated because it’s starting to be okay and you don’t want it. Still, new memories will be created, there will be new faces, new names.  Someday there would be more, and possibly someone else who can make you let go of your loyal ties to the past.

 

The past can’t be erased. For a while, we could choose not to think about it but it doesn’t mean it is not there. Feelings will fade or get stronger. The heart is such a fickle thing and the brain is its loyal accomplice. But it’s always our choice, to stop or to walk forward, to live with it or leave it.

 

 

Eun hye…

 

“I found something I lost years ago… you made me remember something really important so I thought I’d give you this little present. I hope you’d also remember Jong kook and put it to good use.” Jade said but Jong kook didn’t even spare him a glance. His eyes were trained on her as the past flooded his mind, the memories rushing so clearly, as if it happened only yesterday.

 

--------The past on their firsat meeting--------

 

“Jong kook-ssi?” He turned around at the sound of his name and saw a familiar face walking towards him. She was smiling and in her hand was a bottle of water.

 

“Thanks.” he mumbled and reached out to take the bottle. To his surprise, she quickly slipped it behind her. “Why are you saying thanks, Jong kook-ssi?” The young girl chuckled and he felt his face grew warm. He wondered what her intention was but not that it mattered. He wasn’t interested.

 

Jong kook left the girl and didn’t look back even when he heard her repeating his name before she resorted to calling him a snob.

 

Petty little thing, he muttered. She was everything he hated.

 

-----

 

Jong kook blinked rapidly. He was breathing hard, from shock or exhaustion he doesn’t know. His back was on the rubber mat, his arms and feet sticking up in air awkwardly. People were cheering around them but all he could think of was he losing to her. He couldn’t believe how strong she was.

 

“Eun hye-ssi!” he was almost running as he called out to her. She turned around looking at him curiously. Jong kook held out a cup of coffee he asked his manager to get, without a word. Her brows knitted together suspiciously.

 

“I won’t fall for this trick Jong kook-ssi.”

“Then why did you do that before, with the water bottle?”

“What do you think was the reason?”

“I don’t know.”

“This is awkward.”

“I’m awkward with women.” Eun hye felt her cheeks grow warm. Then she mumbled, “Thanks.” But before she could get the cup, Jong kook had raised it out of her reach. Eun hye glared at him. He thought she’s kind of cute.

 

“Hey before you walk out on me, I just want to tell you that the coffee is already cold.”

“So?”

“It has been waiting for almost an hour.”

“I’d better go.”

“You reached for it so that means you want it. Let me buy you another cup… besides it’s better to drink coffee with someone else right?”

“Are you asking me out?”

He smiled. That never occurred to him but that didn’t sound so bad.

“Yes. And since you already showed interest --”

“--I'm not interested at you.”

“Since you already showed interest with the cup of coffee, then it’s unreasonable to say no now.”

 

Eun hye let out a laugh of disbelief. “Are you always this good with women?”

“No. I’m awkward with women. I already told you that and now you also owe me something.”

“What?”

“I told you about me, tell me about you… over coffee.”

 

Their gazes met and they both laughed, standing in the middle of SBS lobby. The cup of coffee was thrown away. They went to a café and more coffee grew cold while two hearts contented themselves with the warmth of their company.

 

After that day, more cups of cold, forgotten coffee followed, but at the same time, more laughter and stories were also exchanged.

 

--------End of flashback--------

 

Jong kook blinked. The cups of coffees, the walks in the park at night, the long drives around Seoul without destination, vanished. Eun hye motioned him to come closer and he smiled weakly.

 

Feelings could become memories. Memories could lose their feelings. Memories can become dreams, fleeting snippets of the past. Until that moment, he had never realized… how far he’d come.

 

She was smiling at him.

 

Jong kook walked towards her slowly. Her name was painfully familiar to his lips, “Eun Hye…” Jong kook repeated wondering if this were a dream he’d suddenly wake up from any moment. She met his gaze but he looked away quickly, his heart racing in nervousness. Even if he hated the way it was, she’s still someone who had been a huge part of him, someone whose name he will never forget even if his heart is screaming another woman’s name.

  

He was sorry. He wanted to say thank you. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but that he can’t continue doing so. He wanted to tell her many things, but he also realized there was no more left to say.

 

She nodded as if understanding his thoughts, “I’m glad. I’m really glad Jong kook-ssi.”

 

Ssi… it made him smile. How can a person you knew for a long time suddenly become a stranger in front of you? Carefully lifting his head, he let his eyes roam, at everything but at her.

 

“Kim Jong kook… I’m happy already and I have no regrets, unless you make me.” He knew that voice. It was strange but familiar. Like a distant past. “Look at me oppa.” He did, finally.

 

She was still so bright just like in his memories, but her light had become more beautiful and warm. Her eyes shone, no more were the facades and lies. She did look happy, happier and at peace.

 

“Oppa… you finally understand right? My choices… the world can condemn that but I chose what would make my heart less burdened. Things happened, I didn’t expect it too… and as I told you -- I will only start to regret if you live so unhappily because of me.

“But you have to live… I want you to enjoy life and do not do it because of me. There are people, things on Earth that will make your days worth living.

“Those who show their dark sides shine the brightest oppa so I know whatever happens you will find the brightest of them.”

 

She smiled again and he found himself doing the same. She reached out and touched his chest just above his heart. The warmth and the peace he felt around him, he finally realized… were from him.

 

“I’m sorry I had to hurt you, but I can’t heal this. Oppa, I did love you, you may be my true love… and I know you also loved me but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for you. Even if I was there, it could have still ended up in unexpected ways. Do not think anymore… promise me… I had finished my race and I had found a home where you do not belong to.” she chuckled and he was glad. Was it unfair, he’d get to be happy and live while Eun hye had to go? She frowned and shook her head. “Oppa!” She was pretending to be mad.

 

He nodded, that was all he could do. He could never like the way it has to end for her, but he also knew he would not stay. Like her, he had also found a place where he wants to be. “I also loved you… I can never think this is fair, and that will make me feel better,” Eun hye nodded. He walked closer to her and wrapped her in a light hug. “Even if I hated the way we had to end, I also have no doubts about what I feel, and what I felt before.”

“Oppa, your sense of fairness and your stubbornness had always been different. Trust me, you wouldn’t like the ending of others but that doesn’t mean that the other don’t like it too. I will move on from you, but you have to let me go first… because I have already let you go…

“…the moment I breathed my last.”

 

Jong kook swallowed. This was no old friend. This was no stranger. This was he, a part of him.

 

He might never be able to forget, but he nodded, and slowly let his arms drop to his side. The numbness faded, the regrets might be there, it will for a while… but he believed it would get better. They need not mention the old wounds now. He understood it completely now.

 

He stepped back.

 

She smiled again.

 

“Let’s shake hands oppa.”

 

Jong kook chuckled but gave in. They shook hands and he knew right then he would be all right.

 

“Goodbye… Jong kook oppa…”

 

“Yes, until we meet again then, but I need to know… are you happier now, than when you were with me before?” She nodded. He raised his hand to her face and wiped away her tears. “Thank you, Eun hye-yah.” Was she part of the equation? It doesn’t matter anymore. Was he a pawn on the big game being used right now? No it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

“You need to go now Jong kook-ah,” Jade said interrupting the two. Jong kook looked at him and nodded, “I’m ready.”

“Hey kiddo, I will miss you… sort of.” Jong kook chuckled and pulled the time god into a tight hug. “I will too, you could visit you know…”

“Nah, I was only able to go down because of business but I’ll be watching up here.” Jade pushed him away, a little bit too hard and he finally realized, Jade was throwing him back to Earth. “Kid! Don’t worry it will not hurt!” his voice echoed and Jong kook heard him say something more but those where already muffled by wind rushing in his ears. Jong kook closed his eyes.

 

He embraced the sudden coldness then there was a wet sensation and he knew instinctively where he was. It wasn’t so scary anymore like the first time.

 

Jong kook burst out of the water, his lungs screaming for air. He was in the lake and somehow he knew this was home. He started to swim to the banks only to stop and stare at a familiar face. He was there. Literally, another him, was there.

 

A man sharing his face offered his hand down at him and he reached for it, wincing as he did. The other’s touch seared his skin, but there was no pain, just sudden familiar warmth as if his body recognized the man. Jong kook found himself hauled out of the water effortlessly.

 

“We meet, finally, my older brother.”

“Y-you were the voice I kept on hearing.” He sputtered, coughing and shivering in his wet clothes. “I’m not your brother though.” Jong kook knew this was Lei, the past self of Jade’s son.

 

“I thought, if you become me in the future, and I, will be you in this time, we will be one in a sense. I had tried to coexist with one of the reincarnations before, but we could never meet. Even if I try to come to their time, they get transported somewhere else just like you going to the future.”

“That is too literal don’t you think.” Lei ignored his comment and threw him a jacket. “Though I must say, I never thought we could or would be able to meet… you are different from the others Kim Jong kook.”

“You are Lei right?” The other man nodded. “Your father, Jade…” he watched Lei’s face twitch with recognition. “Why do you believe in fate or prophecies when we are not governed by time itself?”

“Indeed you are different from the others before us… we should be one, but I cannot be killed, you can die but you are the human one. You are the one who needs to live that’s why I was always casted away in the future.” He spat out bitterly.

 

Lei is the future and Light was the past, supposed to be, in the present both of them do not exist. The past already happened. The future is yet to happen. The two brothers indeed cannot have any fate because they have to depend in their present self.

 

But where is the future self? That was the biggest question of all. If Lei/future and Light/past is there, then why is there no present?

 

“If not for the horrible things it was a great wonder, even an amazing feat. Two people, one from the past, and the other from the future, born in the present. Same people but based on observation, we are never actually the same. I am not like you and you’ve seen the mess I had made in the future. I am also a far cry from my brother, Light, which is you in a way. And yes, I can read your mind. A pretty little trick I learned over the time I spent wandering around, nice right?”

 

Jong kook also didn’t know what to do. His other self faced him, standing close. It was as if looking at the mirror. But it is not him and the more he looks the more he notices the differences between them.

 

 “Lei, you know… you may be me and I, you. But we aren’t, that’s just what they say up there.”

 

And I am from the present, not from the past… what if… I am the missing link what… if I am the present?

 

“It is indeed curious, where is present? In our time years ago, present is not present, he was missing in action.” He chuckled at his little joke. Jong kook thought he was just like Jade, a little bit bitter but someone who likes fun and jokes. “But Kim Jong kook, you can’t be the present, you are Light.”

 “You know… you aren’t me even if they say we are one person. You are Lei.”

 

The other one flinched. Jong kook watched him blink, his eyes fleetingly looked doubtful like a scared child trapped in a corner. “Lei, you said we have no fate. No destiny. What if we weren’t meant to be one? What if we are not really one person?”

“Then what’s the purpose of my existence? And who am I? I am you but now I’m not you. I’m just your future and we will never meet, I don’t even exist by logic.”

“But we have met now. You exist, I know about your existence, but we are not one. I may be a reincarnation, but I’m not your older brother.”

 

Lei clasped his hands, playing with his fingers, twisting an invisible ring. He looked away but Jong kook had already seen the myriad of emotions flashing in his eyes.

 

“Maybe you are right.” he murmured. “But what am I to do? I am neither a mortal nor an immortal. How I wish I could leave this world but… I have no way of doing that.”

 

There could only be one.

 

“There could only be one… we must be one, with our self. Lei, I think I understand now. I am me, I am myself, and you too must accept this. When I went there, I was horrified. I had become someone I couldn’t recognize, I had done things I couldn’t even begin to imagine, and you know what Jade told me? I am me. I must do it my way, to remember who I am. He kept on telling me it’s not me who did those things. Throughout my entire journey in that place, I had realized who I am, what I want and that I am not you.”

 “I had lived for so long believing I am you Kim Jong kook. This is not easy.”

“That’s why Lei. I traveled the future and found who I am. You roamed for years trying to be me… we are not the same. Remember when you were a boy. Lei you are someone, you are you.”

 

-----

 

The castle guards would quietly let the young boy pass. They would smile and he would stop to ask. “Who am I?” it was a trick he liked to play, although it feels funny in a bad way whenever they are mistaken.

 

The new guards would always flush and stutter, but then the chief would always come and greet, “our prince, our great Lei the wise.”

 

The little boy had always smiled after that kind of exchange before walking away feeling better than before. While there were so many people who couldn’t differentiate him and Light, there were those who can always do. And at that time that’s all it matters.

 

-----

 

For thousands of years Lei has become a nameless wanderer. He has become no one, living only to find the answers. He had searched everywhere to end the equation without bothering to know what it really is. And after so long, he felt sad, almost lonely, sorry, mad…like years before, he was still so lost.

 

Lei felt himself crumble into the ground, his palms flat on the ground, on his knees. It was warm. He had never noticed that before.

 

Jong kook crouched low next beside the other. He placed a hand on Lei’s shoulder. He was like a lost child and he embraced him.

 

“I am scared… but I think I also want to try, to be just me.”

 

Jong kook smiled but when Lei looked at him with a resigned smile, he grew nervous. “You can’t be thinking of a literal end Lei.”

 

Lei nodded, holding Jong kook’s hand tight. “Hyung… no, I mean, Jong kook-ssi, sometimes, the ending is literal. Like you, I want to be free… I’ve lived for a long time and now, it’s time for me to go. Maybe you were right. We are not supposed to be one, but there should only be one. That means one has to go.”

“But Jade said you were an immortal.”

“I was given a chance to experience many things… I’d seen wars, countless deaths, history is no beautiful memory. While you get reborn and given a new start, I only get transported and hated in your future. I tried but it always goes wrong and now it makes sense… like you said, we are not the same person. I think I finally realize my equation, it is I. I had always sought to end it by seeking you and my only goal is to be one with you when all I wanted is my own end. I am tired Kim Jong kook.”

 

Jong kook sighed, knowing Lei had made up his mind and like Eun hye said… he might not like some endings but it doesn’t mean that other person dislikes it too. “You know, we may have the same face. We don’t have fate… but… we could always create our own destiny and dream. You should also find your place… someday. I do hope you find it Lei. And this time I will go with you,”

“But--”

“I have to end it remember? So I’m going until the end…”

“You may not be Light, but you are like him in a way. I am glad to have met you…”

 

Jong kook and Lei held each other’s hands. The heavens watched, wondering if finally it will end.

 

The two welcomed the dark waters. Jong kook embraced death, his end. Lei also did the same.

 

I am Jong kook.

 

I am Lei.

 

This is my existence. This is my existence.

 

‘People say, death is not the end… people say we must continue to live, that life is always more beautiful, always worth choosing over the cowardly exit’

 

But then, for some death is indeed the end. And there are deaths worth happening, there are deaths that are also beautiful and fitting…

 

And maybe they are right, death is not the end… or it is… life is not always the brave or right thing to choose, but we all have our reasons…

 

Indeed Earth is a curious place and indeed life is a tricky race and indeed humans are more complex than all secrets of Heaven and Earth…

 

Maybe… it’s always different for people

 

Then live for only you and I will die for my long awaited end

 

I will, yes I would

 

Jong kook smiled. He knew someday, Lei would also choose to live. Just like him.

 

Jong kook felt new strength in his arms and he swam upwards chasing the light. A golden glint caught his eyes.

 

It’s the hourglass, calling him.

 

---------------

 

“Jade, sometimes heaven could be also wrong.”

 

Jade nodded watching the Earth intently. It’s finally done and everything is again in place. “Does this mean from now on fate will be with him?”

“No, even if the story of mankind were already written, there would be people like him who will always create their own destinies. That’s the secret of why Earth had always been more interesting than our place here… it’s not the feeling or emotions, we have that too, but it’s because they choose to make it different.”

 

Jade smiled, understanding well what Father Time had meant. He too knew… gods are capable of emotions… what made his existence meaningful is not falling in love with Sala, but acting on that love and fulfilling it.

 

“Father Time, do you think what they did it right? And what about Lei?”

“In their hearts it is right. It made sense and they are at peace with it so who are we to say otherwise?”

 

---------------

 

Yes I did of course! I’m telling you I was visiting… then I saw him and I thought I shouldn’t disturb him. Then I heard a splashing sound and he’s in it! Come here now, quick... no! I can’t… what? Now, yes… I can’t leave him like this… hello? Yes, just come I’m putting it down, no the phone’s not mine, a passerby lent it. O, the ambulance is here I’m coming with him… yes that hospital. Come as fast as you can and try to contact his parents or manager… ask around.

 

His head felt heavy and it was cold but it was also familiar. His own time, finally, he was at home. Jong kook tried to open his eyes but failed.

 

Jong kook-ssi! Jong kook-ssi!

 

That voice seemed so familiar to him but he has forgotten where he has heard it before. He felt so cold but warm inside and once again, he succumbed into darkness, letting sleep claim him.

 

---------------

 

“Adeul? Jong kook-ah! Thank god you’re awake.”

 

Jong kook opened his eyes and blinked in the bright lights. He tried to speak but all he managed was a cough and a grunt. His throat hurt so much and he can’t move or even feel his body.

 

His mother was there in the room. Jong Myung was also there and they were all crying.

 

“Yah, you brat, don’t –”

“Shh, don’t Jong Myung-ah, it’s okay, Jong kook-ah it’s okay.”

 

Memories of him jumping into the dark waters flooded his mind. He could remember feeling cold and really scared but that seemed so long ago.

 

“I-I won’t again…” he croaked, his voice weak but sure. Why was he so confident in saying that? Why does everything felt so different? But he knew he would never really attempt to end his life in fact he couldn’t wait to go out. He will visit Eun hye, he feels like he needs to tell her something… then Jong kook paused. He doesn’t have anything to tell her actually and this confused him so much. He tried to search his heart and his mind, it was peaceful. He was actually happy even if it feels terribly incomplete.

 

He jumped full of pain and suffering because she was gone. Then there was a long span of darkness… as if he died or something?

Then he does remember swimming up to the surface and wanting to live. He just knew he had to come back… but for what?

He remembers something… something about a golden light.

 

He tried to prop up his body to relieve the buzzing in his head. Jong Myung was quick to help him and then someone standing near the door with a pot of flowers caught his eye.

 

He stared at her and he knows her. She was with Eun hye in that drama but something felt different. Why was he so happy to see her? And that incompleteness in him, why did it feel like he found something?

 

“She found you son, she was visiting her dongsaeng when she found you in that place.” Her mother explained. She said something, but he was too busy realizing how much her voice felt so warm and familiar. They were all talking around him. His mother thanking the familiar stranger, his hyung trying a lame joke to lighten the mood, but he was just staring at her and then at that curious pendant around her neck.

 

An hourglass.

 

He was tired, but he smiled. He’ll find out, maybe not today but he will find out soon, why his heart seemed to know her well. He might not know yet what it was called but he knew he had found something really important.

 

Cheon Seung Im…

 

 

---

The equation of time describes the discrepancy between two kinds of solar time. This are apparent solar time, which directly tracks the motion of the sun, and mean solar time, which tracks a fictitious "mean" sun with noons 24 hours apart.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equation_of_time

 

END OF THE EQUATION

I = ME

A/N: Thank you so much for reading and following this story up to the end. I know along the way it became a very bumpy read with lots of elements woven carelessly into one alternate universe. I hope that no matter what happened in the end, or whatever happens to us in our lives we will not forget who we are and what we stand up for. We will all change, but I will never change. The different and the new is only a part of I. 

There's a lot of people I'd like to thank of course but there's so many of you... I hope even if I don't list you all here one by one... I just want you all to know how grateful I am for a ll the insights, the kind words, the comments and the subscribes. I love the little community we have here and I'm so overjoyed coz frankly I didn't expect the support.

I regret nothing XD

And tune up because there's a little bit of story left I want to tell, until the next chapters I guess ;)