Memories will remain even if feelings that were once so strong fades away. We’d always remember how it used to be. It will always lurk somewhere, but we’d never be able to pinpoint exactly where that’s why we can’t escape confusion. Is it my heart telling me this, or it’s only because I wanted to believe it is?

 

It’s not there anymore… but it’s a lie. Knowing is existence in itself. Even amnesia is not erasure for the memories are just hiding in the deepest parts of the mind. We’ll never forget and we’d always wonder about many things.  

 

Warm water spray woke up Jong kook from his thoughts. Earlier he was watching Ji hyo and Hyo Jong as they planted a secret treasure in the garden. The girls were very secretive and refused to let him on in the secret so he sat there wondering if it was okay to do nothing. Jade was gone, the hourglass thrown away and nothing is happening… it felt so peaceful, which was a big surprise… maybe it was really all in his head.

 

With his shirt soaked, he has no choice but abandon his predicament and for a while, let go. For months, he had always been restless, always careful of what to say. Jumping eight years to the future was no easy feat at all… not that he regretted it. He was just so torn between values and principles. He wanted to be honest and throw everything out in the open, but he can’t. He had seen her worst but he didn’t even know her favorite color, or her favorite food. Even their anniversary he just learned from the internet… that was just so wrong.

 

After throwing the hourglass away, it triggered something. It opened another set of memories in him, and knowing everything made him saw other things he missed out before. The other memory as he calls it made him… him. He wasn’t the clueless man from another time anymore. He is Jong kook, and there’s no other him. Even the voice already vanished, as if they had really become one. Or maybe because it didn’t exist in the first place…

 

Shrieks of laughter erupted as he broke into a big scowling smile and pretended to be annoyed. He slowly moved in towards the girls, eyeing the water guns Hyo Jong had collected from her uncle Jae Suk and Hyo Jin. “Yah, stop it! Hyo Jong-ah, Ji hyo-yah!”

 

They only laughed as they ran away from him. Water was aimed and shot everywhere, mostly on Jong kook. He tried to catch the girls with minimum effort and exaggerated acting until he saw something on the ground. He reached for the water hose but before he could get it, he was water slapped by Ji hyo. “Yah! Ji hyo don’t you need to be careful and rest a lot, how could you be so strong? ”

“The doctor did not say I can’t have fun. You are actually a lot more tiring, you know…” she said with a wink, making the muscular man beet red.

 

“Omma, appa looks like roasted straw-berry!” Hyo Jong shouted as she aimed the ‘water tank’ to her father. Ji hyo chuckled, also aiming at Jong kook to ‘cool’ him off. The little one was actually referring to that one time when their family ate cooked fruits.

 

Hyo Jong once asked her appa to cook mallows with her and the next thing she knew the two had created a real bonfire in the garden. They grilled fruits with the mallows, as Jong kook said, to make it healthier. Even picking a fight with her innocent fried fruits. A moment later, Ji hyo found herself with a fire extinguisher battling the bonfire and a blanket that caught fire while her husband and child watched in awe. “Yes baby, appa definitely does look like one. Go shoot water to extinguish your appa, palli!”

 

Hyo Jong and Ji hyo’s laughter echoed in the vast garden, ringing beautifully in his ears. They used to do this a lot in the past. The first, the second and the other times they did played smoothly in his mind but it doesn’t feel like he was really part of it. It was as if watching a fluffy movie with leads who looks like them. It’s just that… he was just an observer to those scenes.

 

So what if some memories were lost, or replaced? He didn’t love her any less.

 

So what if he doesn’t know the truth anymore? This is his reality now. Nothing else matters.

 

Time gave him the chance to stay. It’s better than going back to the present right? This was his wish, to stay with her and give her happiness.

 

 

---------------

 

 

Joong Ki enveloped Jihyo in a tight hug. Tears raced down his cheeks while Ji hyo coldly stared ahead.

 

The set was quiet with everyone so focused on their task. The tension in the air was almost palpable as the scene closed to its .

 

One man clutched a towel in his hands tightly, silently watching the scene unfold before him.

 

She was breathtaking as usual. She seemed so different yet she’s still her. A faint smile graced his lips. Before she they met, this was her world. He hated to think she has to give it up because of him.

 

We don’t have to give up anything… he remembered hearing those before. Jong kook could never forget that determination in her eyes. Ji hyo wanted to show him she was different from Eun hye and they didn’t need to choose. But those were from the other memory… it didn’t happen. Eun hye was gone in his life for another reason. She chose to go overseas and pursue her craft so she broke up with him even before they could tell the world they were together.

 

Jong kook held his breath as the actors exchanged lines that would surely make viewers cry. Even if a pained Ji hyo makes his heart ache, it only made him fall for her deeper. He just keeps on discovering many more things to love about her every day. Seeing it with his own eyes and not through the other memory was so different. It was as if meeting her again for the first time in another dimension.

 

They didn’t need all those baggage to make their love more special. This was still them, it doesn’t make anything lesser. In fact, the littlest and simplest of things with her are never too small… as long as it’s them it was enough.

 

It was hard to understand how, but even the thought of them just standing beside each other, stealing glances, sneaking a smile here and there, it makes him giddy with excitement and his heart would beat wildly in his chest. Even just going home to his family fills him with joy. It’s just that… he’s happy and he has no more words for it.

 

 He just wished this were reality. Not because he regrets the lost memories, but because he was already contented. It’s not because he wants to live without the pain, or because he fears the truth… he trusts them so much to be able to get through anything to be bothered with that. For him, the past may be the key to understanding some things in their life today but that’s not the most important thing anymore. If this is the future or the present, he doesn’t care anymore. Now is what matters.

 

The director cued for a change in angles and Jong kook found himself looking at her empty eyes. He flinched, holding her cold gaze. It was just a scene so he wondered why he felt something weird. Why does things kept on bothering him, jumping at him when he least expected it?

 

“Cut!”

 

Jong kook walked over his wife before hordes of assistants and Joong ki could separate her from him. He smiled warmly at her.

 

“Yeobo… you look pale. Did something happen?” she asked as soon as he reached her. He only ruffled her hair and chuckled earning a groan from someone, probably the hairstylist.

 

“It’s because you’re so good out there Ji hyo-yah. You gave me goose bumps woman.” he said, wrapping her in a blanket that he grabbed from the scowling manager.

 

Ji hyo chuckled, pushing his hand away. “Jong kook-ssi, the unnies are glaring at us if you haven’t noticed yet.”

“I don’t care.” he replied, still fussing over her. “I got to make sure my wife and baby are fine, besides it’s break time. Let me feed you now.”

 

Her hands slowly made its way around his waist and she snuggled closer, lowering her voice as she spoke. “Jong kook-ah… you -- it’s just that…” she sighed, “it feels like… but I don’t know what it is. It’s really weird how sometimes--”

 

“Ji hyo-ssi! The next set is ready,” a staff said, grinning at the public display of affection from the couple. Jong kook gave the poor man a confused look sending the crew stuttering for an excuse.

 

“Umm, the d-director said the momentum is good so he wants to continue the next scene. Err, I’m pretty sure it won’t be long since everyone is doing great and the set is fixed… and...” the overprotective husband only stared making the other one sweat. His wife could only laugh. “And the director said it’s the last scene already… so, umm you could go right after it… if we don’t delay the shoot we could pack up fast... can I get Mrs. Kim now?”

“Aigoo, yah yeobo, let me go now, huh? I’ll make sure to avoid ngs so we could go home early, neh?”

 

He just kept scowling, his arms tightening around Ji hyo gently. “Yeobo…” she complained and he melted with her sweet smile and cute aegyo that sent him grinning like an idiot. Just how could he resist a goddess like her?

 

He tried to hide his smile, silently nodding. “Make sure you don’t tire her out, neh?” he warned the staff.

 

“Yes sir!”

 

Ji hyo looked at him, tilting her head up with her lips pouting a bit. Jong kook chuckled and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Go on now, Ji hyo-yah and don’t think too much okay? I don’t know what you mean earlier but let’s just talk about it later.”

“Must be the hormones… ‘kay, see you in a bit.”

 

After another stolen kiss that made the people around then feel like they were watching a live drama, Ji hyo disappeared to the set.

 

Having two sets of memory in his head and not knowing which one is real was only hurting Ji hyo. Even if he doesn’t want to think of it he can’t stop and even if he stops Ji hyo could see through him. Sometimes he even wonders if Ji hyo could read minds because she seems to be able to dig inside his head. If reality was altered, or if this was really his present, why does another world where Jade, Eunie and another Jong kook exists even if it’s only in his mind?

 

Enduring the burden for her, he was prepared to do, but he couldn’t stand lying to her. Did the equation exist? Or this was already the end and this was time’s answer to him?

 

 

---------------

 

 

“Jong kook oppa!” Ji hyo whined cupping his face and turning it to her. He chuckled and pinched her nose. “What? And why are you calling me like that Ji hyo-yah?” She pouted and smeared icing on his nose. “You loved hearing that remember?”

 

He nodded. He didn’t need the other memory to tell him about it because he likes it. “Say it again Ji hyo-yah.”

“Oppa! Oppa. Jong kook oppa.” Ji hyo laughed at his expression and added more icing on his face.

 

“Aren’t you afraid that ants will eat your handsome oppa Ji hyo-yah?”

“Serves you right for spacing out on me, oppa. And don’t worry, I’m faster than the ants… so don’t worry about them. Eating. You.” she said, sticking her tongue out on him.

 

Jong kook felt heat crawl on his face and he knew he was red from the amusement in Ji hyo’s eyes. He wondered if she remembered the last time she stuck out her tongue at him but the memory says she doesn’t have a clue. Well he could remember, almost feel it.

 

“Why are you grinning there creepily oppa? You’re thinking of something erted, I know you are… not that I mind.” she teased. Being pregnant didn’t mean seductress Ji hyo is gone, it actually got worst with her hormonal changes and stuff, not that it’s actually a bad thing. He shook his head with a chuckle.

 

“Anyway oppa, what were you thinking of a while ago? Not the erted part… earlier than that.”

“Hmm… how y you look? Yah, how can I avoid those kind of thoughts with you doing these things…” he muttered. But what was he really thinking about? The day they became a couple, the same day Ji hyo finally called him oppa off-cam. Again, it was like watching a movie in his head. It was as if someone stuck an external memory in his brain and fed him gigs of data.

 

As he slowly unravels their supposed to be past, it looked so real, but there was something missing there. The scenes, the words exchanged, the kisses…they were there, but there was no feelings attached on them. It was as if another external drive for his heart was missing.

 

It was as if, watching those memories, it was only now that the feelings are coming. Remembering their first kiss, the first date, there was no old feelings. Everything was new. It was like reading for the first time a popular story that everyone knows. Even if he knew the plot already, it was only at that moment that he actually felt something for it.

 

He doesn’t really want to think about it anymore but it’s always struggling in his mind. As if, it’s purposely trying to bother him. Why?

 

“Oppa, hey.” A worried pair of eyes met him and once again, he pinched her nose. “It’s nothing. I am just happy to be here with you.” She added another dash of cream in his face, but before he could wipe it, Ji hyo it clean for him drawing out a deep guttural moan from him.

 

“It tastes better on you, oppa.” she said, with a chuckle before looking away and her thumb clean. Jong kook can only smile before calling out her name. “Ji hyo-yah.”

“Hmm?” she looked at him and he gently cupped her face, pulling her closer and kissing her gently.

 

“I love you.”

 

 

---------------

 

 

“Appa! Hurry!” Hyo Jong ran as fast as her little legs could carry her, she changed her target and launched herself on her cousin, Jong Myung’s son. She laughed so hard while the boy only smiled shyly.

 

“Hyo Jong-ah, don’t hurt yourself running!” Jong kook called out to her little angel, panting as he balanced picnic baskets and bags on his thick arms.

 

Ji hyo wanted to visit his family and he himself were curious. He knows his mother and brother were fine and they have the same relationship as eight years ago. He still doesn’t have a good relationship with his father, but they meet occasionally.

 

His wife, brother, sister-in-law, niece and mother sat under a tree overlooking the lake. All were smiling and chatting happily while Hyo Jong rolled on the ground with the dog.  The picture they created made him so happy. His whole family all together being so close was just too much. He swallowed hard wishing the lump in his throat to go away.

 

It was not only Ji hyo and hyo Jong who were spared the pain of dealing with the bad Jong kook. This was better for everyone without a doubt.

 

“Yah, dongsaeng… haven’t been on the gym for a day? You got weaker.” his hyung teased helping him by carrying the lightest load in his pile. “Eyy, hyung… just look at how much I had to carry. The green basket is really heavy hyung if only someone would carry it for me...” instead of falling for his trick, his hyung laughed and hurried to where the ladies were.

 

He pushed away the bothersome thoughts and followed. He joined the endless recounting of their childhood courtesy of his mom while the wives laughed at their husbands and the kids played with the dog. This was more than he deserved.

 

 

--------------

 

 

“Ji hyo-yah, not sleeping yet?” he asked, peeking inside the attic. She was watching the drama Mrs. Kim in muted tone. “We already finished home work and I put Hyo Jong to bed already…”

 

Ji hyo tapped the space beside her motioning him to sit. He walked over and sat his gaze on her and not on the screen. She was crying.

 

“I’ve done well right?” he nodded, draping an arm around her and pulling to him to rest her head on his shoulder. “I, I feel so happy Jong kook-ah. I did well, I am good.”

“You deserve the daesang Ji hyo. You did a wonderful job and even without all the sounds… I could still see the story.

“You were great and it’s okay to feel proud and boast about it. You deserve even more for being so perfect.” he whispered to her, feeling so proud and grateful. “Please don’t cry though… you still have shooting tomorrow and that stylist unnie will get mad at me again.”

 

Their gazes met and they chuckled remembering the brush-wielding warrior who liked to torment Jong kook. “Unnie just doesn’t see why you have to hover like that on the set. Like you don’t trust them to take care of me.”

“Eyy, I only wanted to be with you… besides, Mrs. Kim’s fans are dying to watch the bts.”

“Are you the one leaking the videos on YouTube?”

“Oops… pfft… just joking.” He wiped away her tears and sighed. He hated the double memories in his head. It really doesn’t want to let him rest when he has already found contentment and peace.

 

“But… can I spoil you a bit with the ending, yeobo?” He nodded and she continued. “I received the script and Kyung’s going to die.” He looked at her in disbelief. “It’s true yeobo.”

“But the drama’s doing great… Joong ki, his character was Kyung’s choice right? Can’t they just live happily as a family? With the son getting treatment and his future looking bright, why would the writers kill her?”

“You sound like a pissed off fan.”

“I am sort of pissed off… after I finally liked the main otp… I’m so invested in this to like that kind of ending.”

 

She cupped his face and laughed seeing his scowl. She kissed him lightly everywhere until he’s smiling at her. “Yeobo, it’s a fitting ending for her. She’s done everything… everyone will turn out okay whatever happens because Kyung loved and cherished them. They will live remembering that so even if they would be sad at first they will be happy eventually.” Ji hyo has a satisfied smile on her face but he wasn’t convinced. To him it just felt too sad. After finally enduring so much and finding the answers… why would it end that way?

 

“Jong kook-ah… are you still sad?” He nodded. “If she’s gone… her son and her lover will be sad.”

 “Yep… but in time they’d learn to cherish the memories she left and move on. Everything’s fixed. She has fulfilled her purpose… her death would be memorable.”

“But wasn’t that unnecessary? Why can’t she just be happy?”

“The writer said they want a memorable and symbolic ending. We had built up the story so there was foreshadowing of her death… in real life it happens. Everything ends.” Ji hyo didn’t notice the dark look passing on Jong kook’s face. He embraced Ji hyo and snuggled even closer. “We could make it last… it doesn’t have to end.”

“I am not used to you being dramatic yeobo.” She rubbed his arms and showered his jaw with little kisses. “Did something happen? Tell me.”

 

A few minutes passed before he spoke again. “What if she just gets amnesia and give her a new start?”

“That’s so clichéd… and besides that’s crueler.”

“Why? Wouldn’t it be nicer to live without a painful past? Remember Joong ki’s Nice Guy?” she looked at him directly, her eyes clouded with worry. “What if, Ji hyo-yah… you’re given the chance to live without pain? That if you don’t accept that fate you’ll experience something more painful… more terrifying than death.”

 

Fear flashed in her eyes. She buried her head in his chest. “You are scaring me Kim Jong kook.”

“I have watched too much dramas.” he sighed, caressing her back. Maybe she was right… losing memories was cruel but this was different. If… if the other set of memories were true, that Jade exists… he would be like Kyung in the drama. He’d need to go and follow the proper timeline. He will die in this time frame without her even knowing it.

 

“Even if it’s scary… I choose the latter. I choose to know and face the truth yeobo. I don’t want a Nice Guy ending. Even though I don’t know, I would feel that my love one is hurting for me to be happy. I will also be restless and frustrated… if we need to get hurt, together then. Not just him or just me.”

 

Her words struck a deep chord within him and he avoided her gaze, burying his face on her hair. “Hush… don’t worry about it anymore Ji hyo-yah…”

“If ever… it would be fine, even if it will hurt as long as you’re there it’s okay.”

 

He nodded and kissed her gently until they were just watching the movie in silence. Maybe she was right, he thought, that some endings are just like that. Even if it’s sad, we still move on because… of the other one.

 

But what can he do? He doesn’t even know what was real. It only exists in his head.

 

Wait… it exists… in my head. It exists…

 

For some reason, what was outside suddenly seemed pretentious, like fake set-ups. He looked at Ji hyo, who has already fallen asleep, and he thought, only his feelings and that other world felt real. In this new reality even if she feels real all the events, the other memory, were just like a show.

 

He gently carried her to the bedroom and laid her down the bed. He watched her sleep peacefully. “I’m sorry… but you were right. I wish you weren’t… but you are.” he whispered as if in agreement Ji hyo moaned in her sleep but did not wake up.

 

No, don’t be selfish Jong kook.

 

The fact that I am hearing you again means there’s another one, that you are real

 

I am you…

 

You are the other me… you are the future Jong kook…

 

We are one, finally,

 

You are the future, I am the present… you don’t exist yet…

 

A chuckle echoed inside his head and he shivered. He quietly left the room and walked until he was in the garden. If this was the future, nothing of this existed yet. However, acknowledging that… means he has to go back. For now, it was the end, one of the many endings he has to face.

 

Hyo Jong-ah, Ji hyo-yah… my baby, I’m sorry I have to choose this path.

I’ll forever suffer for knowing it could’ve been better…

I’m sorry.

 

“Jade! I know already… I already know my equation.”

 

Sound of footsteps echoed from behind him in the silence of the night. Jong kook turned to the source expecting the time god to be there.

 

Instead, Ji hyo was standing behind him.

 

And she was smiling.

 

“Jong kook-ah… thank you.” she said. A myriad of questions rushed to him. He stepped back a little, his head a chaotic jumble of memories. The events and scenarios all swirled around like a storm covered with sparkling sand.

 

He dropped to his knees in the pavement, his head hurting like crazy. Ji hyo was looking at him but didn’t rush to his side. He closed his eyes. He felt like he was being split into half.  Then after the agonizing pain, there was peace. He opened his eyes to see Ji hyo reaching out to him.

 

 

A glittering glass, chained around her neck caught his gaze. There hung something he knew so well -- the hourglass.

 

Ji hyo helped him stand up. “Jong kook-ah… this is my equation.”

 

What was happening?

 

 

---------------

 

 

If you have one wish, a chance to change anything… what would it be?

 

The boy looked down, not meeting the eye of his interrogator. How he got there, he doesn’t remember anymore, he only closed his eyes and thought of why he was there.

 

She was smiling warmly. She was as radiant as the sun but as graceful and gentle as spring.

 

He was standing behind him thought he’d rather have the older one to be beside him. His face was covered as always but he knew he was smiling.

 

Mother was calling him, her voice easing his burdens. Giving him strength to move forward.

 

His father, though only in the dreams, gave him a short nod and it was enough to know he was proud of him.

 

And there she was… his terrible fate.

 

And he was dead wrong… all those wasn’t his.

 

She turned to look back at him, he has to let her go. The sun behind her was shadowing her beautiful face. It felt so sad. A feeling of abandonment slowly crawled to his being… will it be the last?

 

Jade, Jade… the one who could never be his. He deserved nothing after what he has done. Not after failing all these people.

 

“I want… I want to go back in time… I wasn’t supposed to live.”

 

It was the only way, to follow his real destiny.

 

“So you wish to run away?”

 

He shook his head gravely. “I am coward, but I am not running away. This must be done…”

 

“Mortal, you believe in fate. You believe the prophesy was your destiny and that your existence is defiance to time. Just like falling in love with someone you can't have.”

 

The boy blushed. So the old man knows. “Boy, I know your story and I also know that if those things never happened you would be wishing for something else. If I grant you that other wish, will you still want to have never lived?” He couldn’t answer. He was bound by duty but his feelings wanted him to be free.

 

The old, wise man smiled.

 

“Indeed you are young. In addition, this is a serious matter. Too much had been involved and even your death would not have altered the end.”

“Are you saying that even if I never saw the sun everything will still fall apart?”

“The world works in unpredictable ways my child. As your kind says there are many ways to end life but whatever you use the end is still the same, you are still dead.”

 

 He, the nameless mortal, was lucky to have this chance. His desire moved everyone including the heavens, and now for a moment, he holds the greatest power in all of heaven and earth. He could just wish for a different kind of ending without a worry to the consequences.

 

The elder circled him in slow measured steps, testing him. He was highly amused with the boy but more than anything else, he was amused of how complex those with limited time were.

 

The heavens had gotten old, and even if they wished it wasn’t the case, many things were lost and forgotten. Eternity was also time but there was neither beginning nor end. The old people could only watch and sympathize with the mortals and feel through them. It may sound cruel but what else was there to do?

 

“For this, you are granting lifelong wishes of your kind to come true… but the question is, mortal, if I bestow your wish that would mean we eliminate something, that one thing separating us from the other.”

 

The mortal didn’t hesitate and said yes.

 

“Do you know what our differences are? It would be too easy if I just give it to you right away.”

 

Without hesitation, he gave the most obvious answer. “Time… it’s time. We are mortals and you are immortals… it’s what separates us. We have fates and it would never change, if there’s no time and destinies… the ending could be altered.”

 

 The god shrugged. The boy wondered and started to doubt… what else could the answer be?

 

“You are repentant of what happened. You wished to bring back everything to how it should have been. You feel like you are the bad one… but what if you are not? What if you could just go back and make up for their sacrifice by living to expectations?”

“Why all this confusing talk? I just wanted to make it right…”

“You are set on this aren’t you? Then I will make a deal with you… this chance, you will give it to you yourself. When you have found the answer come back to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“You will be time yourself, the one who gives chances. When you find your answer then you can go back to me.”

“But… but how much time would that take me? Old man are you tricking me?”

“It wouldn’t take even a second… okay it’s a lame joke… see, I am letting you in on our side, the timeless side, so literally it won’t take you any ‘time’ to finish. Keep your eyes open child... so you may see your answer.”  

 

He only wanted what he thought was best for them even if could change. The world could blame him for it, but he had to defy time. He wanted to end how mortals are enslaved by it. How we are all governed and driven by the past, the present and the future. How we believe that we have our destiny and we can’t have the ending we want.

 

“Find the answer to your equation… through another’s equation lad.”

 

What is equation of time? Analyzing how time works, thinking why something happened. Understanding a timeless nature and limited timed ones. After billions of years, he still does not know. No one knew. It was like a game where you win by pure luck.

 

There’s no exact answer, but there is definitely one just for you.

 

---

Sorry for  not updating for a long time  >.< For those who haven't seen my blogs it's because of thesis, finals, and since it was vacation I got lazy and just rested for a whole week after finals. I know this chap is confusing... I will try to update soon so I'm sorry for the bad grammar, and the confusion. It feels like I can't write anymore after a long hiatus >.<

Thanks for reading and thank you angel, leeyoonmin, applemy and the others who said they are waiting... my memory is so poor so sorry i can't mention everyone. And thanks to kimchi unnie, I know you won't read this but when you made me read that, I got the feels to write again XD

Because I was so lazy you guys can punish me hahaha or ask me anything (even personal though i doubt you'd be interested) I foy uare mad at me I accept it. For those who doesn't have any accounts here I actually have twitter... I'm still racheose there... or you could ask me here ask.fm/racheose