“HyunJoong, 10 minutes before we are on.” The PD stuck his head in and motioned. He nodded. He closed his eyes, the last two days had been a chaotic mess.

[flash back]

A year after EunJi left his life, he made himself forget about Pi day. He could remember her coming back the day before with bags and bags of groceries. They would be filled with sugar, flour, oil, apples, strawberries, peaches, and disposable pie tins. She would coerce him into helping him by not asking him to help. He would feel guilty and stand by the edge of the kitchen waiting for instructions. She would ask him to cut the fruit or measure the sugar out.

He knew he didn’t deserve a pie, but the first year he didn’t find one on the table made him think he was at a point of never going back. He had asked the first year why she made so many pies. Her answer was simple, because she made a pie for everyone she cared about. It was a group of people that was around her and cared for her.

He had gotten a pie. EunJi had stuck her head into his changing room, and he had received a pie. I had to admit he missed them. Her pies were sweet and flakey. She had left too soon. He had left the pie in his dressing room as he went out to prepare for his performance. The lights were so bright he couldn’t see if EunJi was in the crowd or not. He assumed not seeing that would cause a ruckus. The Shinee boys were there. Key was wiping s faces, apparently from pie if Key’s squawking was anything to go on. A twinge of frustration went through him. Why did Minho and them get a pie? They had hurt her.

But, he had hurt her too. She forgave. If she hadn’t, he wouldn’t have had a pie in the dressing room.

He took that anger and turned into energy that he used in his dancing. Girls were screaming. The music was blaring. The lights were blinding. It always surprised him how quick those minutes went by. One second he was stepping out onto the stage and then it was done. Every second seemed so slow, but he couldn’t even remember the performance.

People were congratulating him one his performance, patting his back and bowing. It wasn’t just the performance that went fast it was time. He couldn’t believe walking backstage that he wasn’t the rookie anymore. He had debuted years ago with SS501, and now he was a sunbae for these younger groups.

When he walked into his dressing room he immediately felt like something was wrong. He looked around to see Hyori sitting on his dressing table.

“I thought you couldn’t come.” His eyes sweeped over the room as his girlfriend kept talking.

“I came to surprise you!” She jumped down and kissed him hard, leaning them against the door frame. He broke away from her embrace,

“Did you move the pie that was sitting here?”

“I threw it away.” Hyori leaned in to steal another kiss but he pushed her away.

“What?” Why would she throw it away?

“You are on a diet, you shouldn’t be eating pie. I don’t even know how you got it.” She smiled and he broke. He didn’t know what he wanted at all, but he knew he had to try, he had to or else he wouldn’t be happy, at least long term.

“Hyori,” She looked up and guilt went through him, as she looked at him questioningly. “I think we need to break up.” Her features changed, from inquisitive to enraged.

“Why? I am your ideal girl, there isn’t anyone who is better than me.” She stomped her foot and glared. What she said was true, she was his ideal girl, but questions like why did getting a pie make him so happy and why did he bring EunJi to Christmas plagued him.

“You are,” he shifted around uncomfortably, he didn’t like confrontation, “but I don’t want ideal….”

[Present]

He shuddered at the memory of the yelling and objects being thrown. He hated hurting Hyori, but he didn’t want to live always questioning. The day after, the gossip sites went crazy with the break-up, everyone had their own take on what might have happened. SS501 brought soju over and he got rip-roaringly drunk. To tell the truth the first thing he remembered was waking up today.

Now he was nervous, he put on the tough guy appearance for the music videos and performances and the 4D personality for the variety shows but he didn’t know how to be honest on camera. He hated the cameras in how they wormed their way into his personal life.

“Time to go” the PD motioned to him and he stood up. He had thought a lot about this and even considered canceling.

“KIM HYUN JOONG” He heard his name be announced and his new single in the background before walking into the sauna set up of Happy Together 2. He sat down next to Jaesuk, while the other guests came in, but he wasn’t paying attention. Any minute they would ask him, they had to.

“So HyunJoong, you have been getting a lot of attention in the news lately,” He nodded, trying to organize what he wanted to say. Jaesuk waited a second before continuing on, “First the confession of EunJi, your successful drama, your new single, and now a break up.”

He looked around he didn’t know how to dive into the topic without it sounding awkward. “Yes.” MyeongSu “Is that all? We already read that!” everyone chuckled a little bit.

“She lied.” He blurted it out and everyone went quiet. He felt the eyes of everyone.

“Who?” Jaesuk was staring at him trying to get a read of what he was trying to share. HyungJoong pulled in a ragged breathe before continuing.

“EunJi. “

“You two went out?” MiSeon asked.

“Not officially. I wasn’t forced to look after her, to pick her as my partner. We didn’t rent an extra apartment in my building. “ He didn’t know admitting these things was making him feel better or worse.

“Why did she admit to it?” MyeongSu was eyeing him, sizing him up to see if he was lying.

“She was protecting me. She always protected me.” A wave of sicknesss crashing into him and he felt his head starting to ache. “She shouldn’t have to have the blame.” He looked down to the floor, he wanted to say so much more, but didn’t know how to say it. “I care about her, and I hurt her. I don’t think she will forgive me.” Suddenly he was blinking faster than normal, trying to stop the tears.

There was a hand on his back, “Everything happens for a reason,”Jaesuk gave him a smile. He didn’t talk a lot the rest of the show, he just kept thinking how he needed to go see EunJi.