It Hurts Over Here
Predicted Accident
Onew highlighted another line of Taemin's vocal lyrics. He gave most of the singing parts to Minho; since the younger didn't have much chance to begin with, Onew wanted to let him have some time to show that he too can shine; maybe then, the company will give him more lines, just like Taemin. He gave all the solo dances that Taemin has in each song, to Key. All the members knows Taemin's dance; in fact, they practiced it together and have a showdown where the instructor chose the solo dancer, but Taemin always won by a wide margin. Key was undoubtedly the 2nd best dancer of the team. He learns the dances quickly and accurately; it would save the time for refreshing their memories on those solo dances. Whenever the timing clashes, he subbed Jonghyun and himself in.
It was Sherlock that gave him the biggest headache. First off, Taemin stands at the back and leads off the starting portion. And then, to make matters worse, the song was made to suit for 5 people. Well, he could alter their timing just a little to fit the song, like the way they did when Jonghyun wasn't around. But, Taemin was the centrepiece for practically the whole song; however way he tried to alter it, there was a missing factor. He swept the book and pens off the table and his hands tugged against his hair in frustration. He lowered his head and allowed himself to cry just for a little while; there was no one that he could let down to watch him cry at... 3am.
He missed Taemin more than ever. If Key was the umma, he was the appa. Not because he was the closest to Key, but because Taemin was just as important to him. He watched the boy grow up to be a man; teaching him not only vocal lessons, but also life lessons. He knew Taemin for the longest time in the group, and that strengthened their bond even more. Taemin had the whole team to flounder over him; Jonghyun would go out with Key on shopping trips, and vice versa; Minho would have Key and Jonghyun to tease, and Taemin to love; it was always Onew who oversees the team as a whole and just smiles. Yet, Taemin was the one who penetrated his shield and got the leader to talk about his troubles. There was only Taemin whom Onew could voice his worries, his failings, his dilemmas... Taemin is the one he needs the most now, but yet he is the one who isn't here.
Onew felt a comforting rub against his back and he turned around, half expecting to see Taemin, as if he forgot about the day's event. Instead, he saw a blurry image of Jonghyun standing silently next to him. He quickly wiped away his tears, not wanting his fellow member to watch him break.
"Jjong? Why aren't you sleeping?" he asked between hiccups. "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry." But Jonghyun just shook his head.
"I couldn't sleep. I just kept staring at Taemin's bed... I know I shouldn't have, but I ended up going through his things and I got too engrossed... And then I heard some noise from your room, so I... "Jonghyun confessed. Jonghyun and Taemin lost in the match of rock, paper, scissors and were the only ones in a shared room. Onew sighed, how could he even forget about that?
"You can sleep here if you want; I'll go sleep over in your room. I still have some things to finish up anyway." Onew turned back to his desk, wanting to collect his stuff, completely forgetting that he just threw everything on the ground.
"Aish..." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Jonghyun handed him the pens but started browsing through the notebook.
"Hyung... You said that we'll discuss this tomorrow... Why are you taking everything into your hands?" Jonghyun turned page after page of neat corrections that clearly took a lot of time and efforts. "It's late, I'm confiscating this. You're going to bed now."
"Jjong..." Onew pleaded with a sigh. "It'll be easier if I just draft out a rough plan before we start discussing... It'll take forever to reach a proper decision if there isn't a plan... Plus, manager-sshi texted me earlier to say that we have a press conference tomorrow. We wouldn't have enough time to plot it out. Give it back to me." They had two managers; the other manager usually helps out when they go on individual activities, but since the main manager was in the hospital, this manager had to step in.
"You've already done enough, if we can't finish discussing then we'll just have to leave the rest to SM to plan. We have a press conference tomorrow, that's all the reason you need to go to bed this minute." Onew stubbornly himself at Jonghyun in attempt to grab the notebook back but the sharp pain against his shin left him stunned. He thought his chest and shin was just aching, but when he moved just the slightest, his leg practically screamed in angry protests. As if he forgot his motives of standing, he fell flatly on Jonghyun with a small yelp. Jonghyun groaned under him, massaging the nape of his neck that ached from the fall. Onew rolled off Jonghyun, with his injured leg outstretched as he held on to the cast with both hands, as if to ease some pain. He bit against his lip holding back whimpers as cold sweat started to form on his forehead.
"Hyung, kwanchana?" Jonghyun sat up and slowly turned his head left and right. It still hurts even under the painkillers, but the doctor said it would help if he exercised the muscles in that area. He tilted his head upward before he realized that he didn't receive a reply from Onew. "Hyung?"
Jonghyun lowered his head carefully, darting his eyes around until they settled on Onew. Onew was breathing in quick shallow breaths only through his nose, his eyes closed shut and tears streaming down his face. His entire body was trembling and his face paling fast.
"Hyung!" Jonghyun shouted, alarmed. He ew over and cradled the leader's head. "Hyung, what's wrong? Where are your painkillers?" It took a while for Onew to force himself to release the tension from him muscles and finally let out a heavy breath through his mouth.
"I'm fine," Onew answered shakily, pushing himself out of Jonghyun's hold. He quickly wiped at the droplets of tears that managed to escape the rims of his eyes.
"Did you take your medicine?" Jonghyun asked sternly. Onew bit the inside of his lip and nodded, not looking at Jonghyun. Jonghyun narrowed his eyes at the leader.
"Hyung! You told me not to make you worry, so why aren't you taking your medicine?! Are you an idiot? Where is it? I'll get the water for you." Jonghyun rambled, hardly taking the time to breathe. He stood up carefully but swiftly and turned towards to door but Onew grabbed his wrist quickly, stopping his movements.
"Key wouldn't take his..." Onew mumbled softly as he hung his head low in disgrace. "I don't know if it's going to work, but this is the only way I can think of to stop him. If my own members can't let go of his pains, how can I as a leader let him suffer alone?" Jonghyun squat himself in front of Onew.
"Hyung, you know that this isn't the way to go about it... Just forget about the whole leader thing for now, okay? We're all in this together, you don't have to try and take everything over your shoulders; you'll break." Jonghyun almost pleaded.
"I'm not going to break..." Onew sighed. "It's not just the whole leader thing; I want to be a good hyung to all of you too. I have not been doing a very good job at that, and I want to do everything I can to make up for that - to all of you, and to Taemin. I want to become a better hyung especially since this whole thing was my fault to begin with..."
"What are you talking about?! Who told you that this was your fault? Who told you that you have not been a good hyung?" Jonghyun rest his hands on the elder's shoulders. "Listen to me, hyung."
"This was an accident. None of it was your fault and it doesn't automatically make you a bad hyung. You have always been a good hyung but you have to learn to let loose, it's not fair that you have to take care of everything just because you are the oldest; sometimes I just wish that there was someone older than you so that you can stop stressing yourself out like this."
"You don't understand, Jjong. If only I put on my seatbelt before I slept, or if I just didn't sleep. If only I was not there, none of this would have happened. Taemin would have put on his own seatbelt and saved himself and Key wouldn't break down, and we wouldn't have all these problems. This is all my fault Jjong," Onew wiped away the angry tears that he couldn't hold back.
"This is ridiculous," Jonghyun dug his fingers lightly into Onew's shoulders. "Look, none of us wear seatbelts when we sit at the back - whether or not we are asleep. You had extra hours to clock in the night, anyone would understand if you slept. If you were Taemin, I'm sure you would have done the same too. You wouldn't want whoever you saved to start feeling guilty, would you? You would have done it just because you genuinely wanted to help that someone, isn't that so?"
"I can't do that, Jonghyun. How can I act normal when Taemin did all that for me? You did not see him; he was crumpled! Broken! He was coughing his damn lungs out! Do you know that the first thing I saw after he shoved the jacket in my face was him trying so hard to breathe? Do you know how scared I was when the rescue team told me to hold him and I wasn't even sure if he was breathing? Even if you did not know all those, did you not hear him scream in pain?!" Onew shierked in a high tone. Jonghyun flinched at the memory that echoed in his mind. "He was in so much pain... So much... It hurts, Jonghyun. It hurts... It hurts in here more than anywhere else. When my leg was pinned under the chair, all the pain I could feel was in here." Onew pressed his thumb lightly over his heart, angry tears streaming down his face. "It hurts seeing him that manner more than this stupid leg hurts."
"Maybe it's selfish of me to do this, but I can distract myself if I do all I can for the rest of you. Maybe I can feel a little better knowing that I can ease some pain off the rest of you - even if it's not Taemin. I'm selfish, don't you see? I'm doing all these for selfish reasons! I just want to ease some of my own pain - the pain that hurts more than all my physical wounds." Onew lowered his head in shame, choking out loud choppy sobs. Jonghyun lifted his shaking hands off Onew's shoulders and slowly wrapped them around the elder, pulling them both into a warm embrace.
"You're not selfish... You're anything but selfish. You're too kind for your own good. Nothing I say will make you feel any better, would it? I don't know what to do when you're acting like that. I mean, I'm glad that you're even telling me all your frustrations, but it's like there isn't anything I can do to help. What can I do to help, hyung?" Jonghyun asked shakily over Onew's shoulder as he cried. He cried over his helplessness. He cried over Onew's confession. He cried over Key's broken heart. He cried over Taemin's sufferings.
"Promise me..." Onew choked out after a while. "That you wouldn't do what Key is doing... It makes me feel so useless when I watch him suffering..." Jonghyun pondered for a moment. He wanted to make Onew start taking his painkillers again too, but he didn't know how.
"It makes me feel helpless watching you suffer too." Jonghyun retorted.
"I'm not suffering, Jjong," he pulled back from the embrace to show the younger a small tight smile. "It eases the pain that hurts me most. Once I know that Key's heart has healed, some of that pain would be gone; I promise I would stop worrying you from then. So please, this is all I will ask of you." Jonghyun let out a painful sigh, his face creased with worry.
"This isn't fair, hyung..." he muttered softly in reluctance.
"Thanks Jonghyun," Onew smiled gently, knowing that he have won the argument.
A christmas update for all my lovely readers. Merry Christmas everyone, hope that it will be a fulfilling one for all of you.
@Joycechanxo: I doubt so. Taemin is my bias, I don't even know why I'm doing this to him :x
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