Jinki kept his composure till he was sure the door was shut behind him. He limped off, his head hanging low and brought himself forward in slow staggering limps. He turned into the first corridor he approached and managed to drag himself towards the waiting chairs even though the floor really looked just as tempting. He sat there and laced his fingers together with the cast pressed between two palms; his eyes looking at his clammy hands, dazed and unfocused.
 

He slowly bit down on his lower lip that started quivering without his permission. A loud sob choked out of his mouth even before the tears came. He unraveled his fingers and brought his good hand up to his lips; he pressed the base of his palm down firmly into his lips, stopping any loud sounds from escaping again. Yet, it only took a few seconds before the next hiccup jolted out of his throat and triggered the release of his dams. Slowly bringing his hand up, he covered his eyes stopping those stupid fluids from slipping down his cheeks. He wiped away the tears smoothly in one swift motion before bringing his fingers back to pinch his nose bridge. He gasped a much needed breath of air and pointed his chin upwards as if that would help to bring the tears to roll back into his sockets. He shook his head roughly, pushing the back of his palm across his eyes again. No, this is so humiliating, he reprimanded himself. Still, another pang of emotions punched against his chest and a bubble of hiccup rose in his throat again. Jinki choked out the loud gasp, before swallowing forcefully.
 

Finally, he began to accept that his tears were definitely not going to stop soon and took cover into his own palm. He folded himself over from the waist, pulling his casted arm to his abdomen; his other hand hiding his eyes from seeing the real world around him as he hugged himself tightly. No, he wasn't exactly interested in the real world really. Only the real world could hurt this much. It really did hurt. Not his physical ones, but words, actions and behavior. Those hurt a thousand times more.
 

The way Taemin had scornfully disregarded his entire presence. He never thought it could hurt this much. All these time, the hardships they went through together, the teamwork they displayed together, the light teasing, the laughter, the tears - he shattered them all because of his own mistake. He had not meant to - honestly! He was just... He was just so exhausted that day and just wanted... wanted a short nap. But that's the thing you see? He wanted it. It was not as if he would have died if he had not taken that nap. But Taemin could have died because of this little action of his. He couldn't blame the youngest for settling for a decision like this. How could he when he hated himself just as much? "Stupid... You're so stupid..." Jinki choked out softly, scolding himself as he hit his good fist down on his lap.
 

It wasn't even the youngest member's fault. He just didn't want to believe it himself that the youngest would hate him. He had thought about it in his head for umpteenth number of times, but he tried to convince himself time and again that it wasn't true. The fear was there, but so was the expectation that it wouldn't happen. You know how the saying goes that without expectations, there can be nothing to hurt you? Well, it's true. His own expectations ruined it for him, shattered his naive thinking in just a few minutes. But he wasn't going to just sit here and cry, he knew he had to do something about it; something to make up for his mistake towards Taemin. He knew he had to earn back that trust, earn back that friendship even as much as he didn't deserve it right now. He knew the youngest deserved at least his most earnest and sincere efforts to patch up for what he had done. He knew he shouldn't be crying, because honestly, what could crying help to do now?
 

Yet, the sobs continued to rip at his chest, choking out choppily from his throat. Just for now, he told himself, just for now he would be allowed to let his emotions out. Just for now when the members couldn't see him, when they couldn't tell him lies like they didn't blame him or that it was not his fault. He didn't want to hear that now. He just wanted to let everything out once and for all, he just wants to feel better about himself, he wants to find a reason - or even an excuse - to justify what he had done just barely a month ago. He wanted a better reason than because he was tired, or because he had schedules the night before. Those sounded pathetic even in his own ears. He had to do something. Something else that could mend this broken friendship, patch this broken team back to the way it was again. The stress piled on his shoulders, the list of things he had to do growing, but no good ideas could come up when all his mind could think of was crying. A growing headache pounded against his ears, trying to formulate a proper plan but to no avail. He let out an exasperated cry, combing his fringe back over and over again in self-directed frustration. How is it that he became so useless? How is it that he couldn't even do something so simple? What kind of leader has he become after all these years? Had he not learnt anything at all? He sobbed harshly into his lap, tears falling without restraints, his senses dampening and closing off his surroundings.
 

Unconsciously, he found himself crying into someone's shoulder. When was he guided there, or who was it that he was crying on, he didn't even know. It could have been any random passer-by that took pity on him, or a fan that was concerned about him, or even worse, it could be a saesang... But Jinki couldn't be bothered right now. He just cried his heart out to the one who was willing to listen. The person patted him on the back soothingly, and Jinki started to feel the familiarity in the touch. His hazed mind refused to acknowledge who exactly that was, but he knew that it was someone he could trust. But beyond his own sobbing, there was someone else crying as well. Jinki choked up his tears, struggling to do so when hiccups kept rippling his throat, but when he finally held his breath down for a few seconds, he could clearly hear the sounds of someone else crying softly; and if he was not wrong, it was someone he knew quite well too.
 

"Kibum...?" Jinki's voice came out broken and scratchy. "Kibum... What's wrong?" Jinki lifted his head to look at the younger member standing in front of the seats, and reached out his good hand towards the sobbing figure. "Why are you...?”
 

"The same reason as to why you are," Kibum replied simply, wiping away the tears angrily but new fresh one took its place quickly. More tears welled up and pooled over Jinki's eyes and he bit down on his lower lip shakily.
 

"What's that supposed to mean?" he questioned half-angrily, half in disappointment; though his voice just came out weak and sad. How could Kibum even understand how it feels to have someone as close as family to hate him? How could anyone understand how much he hated himself for everything that he had done so far? How could they even say something like that?
 

"He doesn't hate you, hyung," Kibum answered shakily. "The ones he hates... It was us..."
 

"Don't lie," Jinki spat angrily. "Why would he ever hate the rest of you?" Jinki turned his head around and recognized that Jonghyun had been the one holding him earlier. But Jonghyun was crying as well - only silently. Jinki's eyes softened and his brows furrowed in confusion. "But none of you did anything wrong..." Jinki reasoned in a questioning tone. “While I... I... I landed him in there and..."

"Hyung!" Kibum let out a loud whine, and threw himself into the eldest's arms, breaking down into harsh sobs. "He... He told us... He said that he..." Jinki's arms flew wide open, confusion taking over his mind as his widened eyes tried to access the situation. "He wanted us gone... from the room...and that... that we made him feel bad... I didn't mean to, hyung!" Kibum cried out.
 

"But..." Jinki started off shakily, his good hand finally circling around the sobbing figure. "That... doesn't make sense..." Jinki whispered glancing around his surroundings warily and finally landing his eyes on the angry looking rapper. Jinki didn't even have to ask before the tallest member spilled the beans.

"He scolded us all for letting you run out here by yourself," Minho explained monotonously, his eyes having a faraway gaze. "He knew you would be here crying by yourself and said that none of us had cared enough to figure something so simple. He said that... No, he shouted that he didn't hate you; but instead, he explained his actions by claiming that we made him feel bad about himself because we were in a celebratory mood. Taemin... he wanted to be the one who could celebrate with all of us, not be the one stranded on bed. He told us how he hated himself for not recovering quickly enough, and how frustrated he was with himself. The one he wanted out of the room was not you, hyung - it was us. He even said that... he said that he felt the only one who cared was you," Minho gritted his teeth and fisted his fingers tightly. "All of us cared, but he couldn't see it. He... He practically drove us out the room with his words and I... I can't believe him... No, I can't believe myself. How could I not have seen that? It's just so infuriating because we all know that what he said was all true and... We should have seen it earlier. We're sorry, hyung; really, from the bottom of our hearts, we did not mean to leave you alone here."

"I..." Jinki gapped his mouth open and shut in shock like a fish out of water. Even his hand stopped moving against Kibum's back and all he could do was process the words. "I... I never thought that it was any of your fault... I... I came out here to be alone and..."
 

"You came out here to give us time with Taemin," Jonghyun interrupted, correcting the leader's words. "We know you well enough, hyung. You came out here to cry because you didn't want us to worry. Then, as Taemin said, you would just smile like usual when we leave as if nothing was wrong and nothing was bothering you. And if Taemin had not told us now, you'll probably never tell us how much you cried over this. And because we are all stupid fools, we'll never figure it out either. It sounded so obvious when Taemin said it - I just don't understand why I hadn't seen it myself before. I just... I just assumed you would come to us when you are troubled by something."

"But I don't want any of you to-" Jinki whispered bowing his head and his sentence quickly interrupted by the one still clambering over him.

"Worry," Kibum finished for him. "We know. We know you don't want us to worry but stop it. Just stop all of this. It's enough. Don't you feel lonely, hyung? Don't you want someone to be there just holding you while you cry? Don't you? Doesn't it feel much better now that you have someone to clarify the things that you kept in your head all by yourself? You... You need to stop putting yourself down, hyung. How many times have we heard you saying that you think you are not deserving of the leader position, or how you think you're not doing enough? Don't think that of yourself. You are a great leader, and you do so much more than we could ever ask for. And none of us hates you. None of us. Not me, not Jonghyun, not Minho," Jinki glanced up nervously at the other two members and they gave him an assuring nod of the head. "And definitely not Taemin. That boy loves you. Why else would he risk his own life to save you? Think about it. Put yourself in his shoes, would you start hating the person you saved with your own life just because you chose to save that person? You can't suddenly do a 180 turn and hate a person overnight, hyung. He doesn't hate you - get that into your head, you understand me? The whole incident is not your fault, he doesn't blame you for it, and you are the greatest leader we can have if only you could just believe in yourself just like we believe in you. Puff up that chest, pull back those shoulders, lift up that chin and face the world. Don't hide that face and cower in the shadows because that's not where you belong. I don't mean this just for 'Onew', but for 'Jinki' as well. Put your faith in yourself, give yourself some credit, and reward yourself when you do good, don't put yourself down the way you always do because none of us see you in that manner," Kibum lectured sternly, his tears still falling as he pointed a finger at Jinki, tilting the lowered chin upwards. Jinki's face was flushed red in embarrassment and shame and he tried to hide it again, but Kibum allowed for none of it. "Do you understand me?" Kibum questioned again.
 

"Mng," Jinki hummed half-dazed, still processing the huge chunk of words that reached his heart.

"Is that a yes or a no?" Kibum asked again, forcing a firm answer out of the leader.

"Yes, I understand," Jinki whispered after a few seconds, cocking his head to the side lightly as he wiped off Kibum's endless tears. "Thank you, Kibum-ah. That... It really meant a lot to me. I... I will work hard to be someone I can be proud of and for all of you to be proud of; and Jjong, I'll try and be more open about myself next time. I just... I just didn't want to bother anyone about this, and I thought it would have been better for me to handle it on my own because that's what I've always been doing and it's hard for me just to suddenly change because of everything that happened. It's just easier when I don't have to explain myself when I don't even know what exactly I'm thinking sometimes. But I'll try... I... I want to understand all of you better as well. And Minho, I believe Taemin knows. He knows that all of you care for him... He's just... You know the way that he puts his words is very misleading and sometimes none of us can know what he really means deep down. And... Like you said, he's frustrated with himself... I know this sounds really hypocritical, but don't take his words to heart," Jinki urged, watching all his dongseang's downcast expressions really made his heart squeeze.
 

"Don't worry too much about it, hyung. If it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to adapt to our requests. You can stand on your own ground as well. If you feel better keeping it to yourself, I'd rather you stay the same hyung we have always known, than to know that it was because of us that you've become upset. Don't take our words the wrong way, we don't mean to say that you are not doing well as you are right now; we just want to point out little things about you as friends because that's what friends do - we help each other become even better people," Jonghyun replied gently. Jinki gave a small understanding nod, wiping at his still falling tears. "Now, wipe those tears or Taemin would kill us if we send you back like this." Jinki let out a low chuckle.
 

"Speak for yourselves," Jinki giving a meaningful gaze at both Kibum and Jonghyun, who had tear stain tracks down their cheeks. They both responded with a broken chuckle, rigid and stirred with the leftovers of their negative emotions.
 

"But really, we need to go back to the room. Taemin literally demanded that we bring you back in there. He's quite worried to say the least," Minho chimed in but Jinki stayed doubtful.
 

"You... You guys are sure he didn't say that because he was feeling guilty or something?" Jinki asked with uncertainty, his eyes wavering between the three.
 

"No matter what we tell you now, you wouldn't be able to believe in it 100%, so why don't you go in and ask him instead?" Kibum offered. "One thing's for sure, he really wants to see you right now. And if he is capable of it, I wouldn't be surprised to see him giving you a tight hug."

Sep 22, 2013 23:41:18

Omg, I finally get to spellcheck my work! I'm so happy. My old laptop has been really slow an incooperative so I gave up on it and bought a new laptop (Yes, I'm broke now). But now I've gotten so used to typing everything off my phone (because the phone has autocorrect), so this whole chapter was typed in my phone anyways. And then my laptop was only used for spell check. I've been starting a lot of new stories (1 vampire one, and one for a sequel of my oneshot, another supernatural one and an angst one though I left the last 2 to rot in my google docs. Thank god I decided to finish the story before posting or everyone would be waiting just like you guys *guilty*.

Yea, I have not updated for quite some time because of crazy school workload (not that I'm really complaining. I actually quite like school *psh don't judge me, I like learning new things*. Speaking of school, anyone has taken Masters, or is planning to take Masters? I'm so confused with the timeframe. I thought it would be longer like 2 to 3 years but I just did some research because I'm past my 1st year of uni, and I realized it was only 1 year? And the school wasn't bad too. I asked my brother and he said those MS are less recognized? Anyone knows anything? I'm planning to go to NY to finish my university studies and follow up with my MS, and I actually plan to go there next Fall so I'm really nervous. Anyone lives there? xD

Alright then, till next time. I'll try to update soon!!