Wrote this chapter to Tragedy and this other song Jonghyun composed and played on radio Blue Night.

“Look, this was my fault,” Jonghyun cuts in, watching the play of expressions splashing across Taemin’s face. The guilt and fear sinking into those young eyes, but the other members knew that it wasn’t the dancer or the singer who was to be blamed for this. “I was supposed to be the one who was looking after hyung, but he slipped past me when I was asleep. I’m sorry I failed my duty and I have let not only hyung down, but the team down. If only I had-”

“Stop, hyung,” Taemin barely whispers, glazed eyes slowly gliding up to meet Jonghyun’s worried ones. “Just… Just let me think this through,” Taemin continues, eyes dropping down again.

It was my fault, wasn’t it? And here I was, still blaming the world for leaving me on the lurch. I… I don’t even have the rights to think like that. All the while I have been thinking that the team has abandoned me, that no one cares anymore, they were all busy worrying for our leader. Who am I to even think that I should be placed priority over something else that is clearly more urgent?  What have I become that I have been so selfish to the members? All they did was caring for me – they stuck by me and loved me even when I bring no benefit to them whatsoever. All I did in return, was bring them more trouble and worries; all I did was argue and insult them. Why do they even still care? I don’t even deserve it at all. I did this – I was the reason for Jinki hyung getting hurt; I am the reason the team is hurting emotionally right now. How can I be as selfish as to even accuse them of not caring? If anyone were to be blamed, it should be me. I can’t care for them as much as they have for me through all these years we have been together. When I was lonely, when I had no one else, the team was with me. When I found myself lost or when there were fingers pointed at me from all directions, the team stood by me and told me that everything would be alright. The times when even my parents had to call and asked if rumors were true, it was the team that knew the truth without even asking. This is the team I have grown up with; the very same team I have doubted.

“Taemin-ah,” Key had sat back down on his bed, a quivering hand raised up and inching towards Taemin’s cheek. “It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident that no one would have expected, so please don’t cry.” Taemin looked up to see Key with his own set of tear streaks lolling down his defined cheeks – more so defined than before. Taemin hadn’t noticed it before, but now that he paid attention to the members, they have all lost weight – and he doubts it was a diet plan from the management.

“I…” Taemin frowns and bites at his lower lip. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispers shakily.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault. Everything is going to be okay,” Key whispers back in a gentle tone, as if afraid the younger would break if he spoke louder. He wrapped careful arms around the dancer, holding him firmly but not too tightly. “Don’t cry, Taemin-ah. We’re not used to seeing you cry; you don’t look good crying,” Key teases lightly.

“You’re… you’re crying too, hyung,” Taemin whimpers in a subtle question. Key chuckles humorlessly at Taemin’s comment.

“You scared me with your tears,” he answers. It has been a long while since Taemin actually acted like he was younger. After the initial years of debut, the team had grown so used to each other that it was as if they were all same-aged friends. Sometimes, it was hard to remember that Taemin was still that much younger than they are. Just like initial years, Key felt as if he could finally hold this fragile boy in his comfort. “I miss this – holding you, I mean,” Key whispers without much thought. It took a moment too long and Key starts to wonder if he had said something inappropriate. But when Taemin whispers his timid response, Key felt his chest warm up in an indescribable sort of happiness.

“Me too,” Taemin mumbles, closing his eyes against Key’s shoulder, allowing him to indulge in the warm care if his fellow member. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

“Don’t be,” Key coos. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Not about that,” Taemin answers. Key pulls away to look at the younger in curiosity and Taemin nearly whines in response.

“What are you talking about, Tae-ah?” Key asks softly. Taemin looks around the room to see Jonghyun and Minho looking at him in similar anticipation. Taemin braved himself with a deep breath and dropped his head down guiltily as he spoke shakily in his rough voice.

“I… I’m sorry about yesterday – about what I said to all of you. It was wrong of me to… to accuse all of you when it clearly isn’t it. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, and I do know that all of you care for me in your different ways. I was frustrated with myself and I just felt so useless; but I still should not have vented it on any of you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot yesterday, and I-…I’m sorry for arguing with you. I realized that I have been very rude. I know that there is no way for me to take those words back, but I didn’t mean half of what I said then,” Taemin struggled to get the words out of his lips. He wasn’t one to speak much from the start – to apologize was even harder. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re really brave, Taemin,” was the first thing that Jonghyun managed to say. “I think you’re really brave,” he repeats. “We understand that you’re going through very hard times and to be able to reflect on things the way you do even when there is already so much going on, I think you are amazing. It wasn’t entirely your fault. It takes 2 hands to clap, and we were in the wrong as much as you were. I think a ‘sorry’ from us should be in order as well.” Jonghyun glances to the 2 rappers, who nodded deep in thought. Key squeezes Taemin’s hand in soft assurance and smiled both proudly and slightly guiltily at the dancer.

“There were things you mentioned that have been true as well, and we were foolish not to have realized them,” Minho adds on. “In a way, I’m glad to have heard those words than to be stuck in oblivion forever. I think we have all learnt something from you yesterday, and for that, I’d even want to thank you. We would have never known the extent to which Jinki hyung was holding back if not for you, and we would have never known how you feel about our actions as well. We have all learned from yesterday, and I agree that we owe you a sorry as well. We weren’t thinking about how you were feeling, or how Jinki hyung was feeling for that matter. We’re sorry, Taemin-ah.”

It took slightly longer for Key to find the right words to say, before he finally ended up scoffing instead. “I was angry at you after what you said yesterday. I was upset that you would think that way. I thought that maybe we weren’t that important people in your life after all. I was so livid. I was upset when we left the hospital, and I was still angry when we went to practice. I thought that practice would make me less upset, but it seemed to amplify the feeling. I remained sulky all the way till we got back to the dorms. Then, I laid in bed and started to think. I thought about what you said. I thought about Jinki hyung crying out in the corridors alone. I thought of everything and I realize how wrong I have been. I started to realize how little I actually knew about the members, and how instead of getting angry, I should actually be trying to understand everyone better. There are times where I just want to protect you from the evils of the world, but there are times when your maturity surprises me because I feel so childish compared to you.  Don’t be sorry; I think I should be sorrier than you are. As the hyungs, we should have been the ones to apologize first. Honestly, I just feel so proud of you, Taemin.”

Key leaned over and took Taemin gently into his embrace once again. Taemin rose trembling hands up to barely just grip on the elder’s biceps, returning the hug awkwardly. "We miss you so much," Key whispers softly into Taemin's ear. "More than you think we do. It's been a long time since we have seen that old man getting angry, or Jonghyun taking up the leadership role. Even Minho has gone all quiet again. It's almost as if we acting like we were back in our debut days. No matter what, just remember we'll be with you every step of the way. We still see you as part of this team and that isn't going to change anytime soon."

"I just don't know what I really want anymore, and I don't know just what I can even do. Just give me some time to think about it, just like Jinki hyung offered," Taemin answers hoarsely.

"It's not that I don't respect your decisions, it's just that I have never seen you as devoted to anything as you are to dancing and singing. You have been at this since you were a kid. I don't want to see you getting into a job that makes you miserable. I don't want all your efforts to go down the drain. But I thought about it yesterday, and Jinki hyung was right. If you find something else you'd like to do, that you'll enjoy doing, I wouldn't hold you back anymore - as long as you are happy, Tae," Jonghyun sat at the other edge of the bed, holding to one of Taemin's hands when Kibum started to pull back from the hug. Taemin lets out a gentle sigh in response, but the members could tell that this time, Taemin was not upset with them, just disheartened by his situation.

"I don't think there could be ever be anything that would make me as happy as dancing has made me. But if I have to return to dancing in this shape, I would only end up getting even more frustrated with myself. I wouldn't be happy returning to dance right now. That's the problem, you see, hyung? I was robbed of the one thing that made me feel free, and no matter where I turn, I can't see a path for me to head towards. It just isn’t fair, hyung. I want to dance,” Taemin choked out, his voice hitching with thick emotion. He takes shaky puffs of gasps, forcing the words out his trembling lips. “I want to, but I can’t.” Key closes his eyes, listening to the heartbreaking sounds of the younger’s soft sobs and cracking voice. He holds back a sob of his own, pressing his fingertips to his lips. He feels the presence of the other rapper leaning over and he shifts away to allow the taller to comfort the youngest.

“We can try,” Minho urged. “It’s not going to be easy, but we can always try. It’s going to be scary to start all over again; it is going be tough and tiring but it has never stopped us before. Back when you were told you couldn’t hold a single note to your voice, it did not hinder you from trying anyway. Look where it brought you? You became recognized as a vocalist, went on solo performances and musicals. Please, Taemin-ah, can we try one more time?” Minho squeezes on Taemin’s hand and wraps his other arm around Key.

“I-… I don’t think-” Taemin started hesitantly, but was abruptly interrupted but the sound of the door swinging open. He didn’t mind too much though, he still wasn’t too sure what he had to say to rebut to what the rapper had told him. Try, it sounded so tempting, but could he really do it? Could he handle never becoming as good as he was before? Could he accept it if he doesn’t do well enough? Could the team and the company accept that he might not be able to meet their expectations? Would the fans be accepting towards his deterioration? How could they be if even he can’t? Would the effort be worth it? They had their run on the stage. How many more years would they expect to perform before they were to disband? All his disturbing thoughts that had no true answers left his mind when their Manager hyung appeared behind the door, looking dishevelled but hopeful.

“Jinki’s awake,” their manager gasped out between breathless pants. 

Updated Jul 13, 2014

I know it seems a little soon for Jinki to be waking up, but I promised that nothing too bad had happened to him, so he is really just knocked unconscious basically. I'm sorry that this chappie was a little short. I didn't want to put the change of scene to Onew's side in the middle, so I'll put it in a separate chappie instead. Anyway, rejoice! Taemin is having second thoughts on quitting the team!

Meanwhile its less than a month before I'm going to leave home and go to NY to study *CRIES*. I'm really nervous about everything, and urg, I just hope everything goes well.