I hope you guys appreciated the last chapter. I tried my best >.< However I’m really no good with fluffy stuff.  So, much to my own displeasure I jump to the dramatic parts in this chapter. =///=

 

 

Dear Sanghyun,

            I felt bad addressing myself to your diary, so I am writing this to you. Hopefully, no one would dare look at these entries except you. I’m so sorry for looking through such a personal book. I sincerely apologize to you, someone who has given a lot more than he has received.

            In one way, I am writing this so I can keep track of time. I know I will leave you one way or another, and you will live a normal life once again.

            I’m also writing this though for selfish reasons… How should I say this? Maybe I’m scared to be forgotten. Maybe, at least to you, I want you to believe in the weird miracles life can give. I want you to believe in my existence, instead of thinking this as a dream, or even a prank.

            Think what you will; I hope my past experiences in your body will not hinder your future – I hope actually that nothing ever goes wrong in your life. I’m sorry for what happened under your name. I want to fix all the wrongs that happened today; I can’t let something like this slide.

            You must be wondering: ‘Who are you?’ True, I hadn’t introduced myself to you properly. Maybe I never will. Nonetheless, I can tell you this. I am clearly not a human. I’m a doll, creation of humans, but my identity must be kept a secret. What is important for you to know is that there is one person that I befriended that you didn’t know in the past.

            His name is Yang Seungho. Yesterday, I was a friend, maybe more than that. Today I still hope this friendship will strive… I don’t know what happened to it anymore. I hope you still remain friends with him, if you ever do meet him again. I don’t know what will happen. I can’t stop you guys from meeting one day. Well, if I do succeed my mission, he will surely remember you. If he does, I hope this entry will help you know him better.

            Yang Seungho… Where to start? He’s a kind person and never turns down a favor, although at home, he doesn’t quite show it. He’d rather be alone, and doesn’t see the need to express himself to others. Everyone sees him as trustworthy and look up to him. I guess that’s what bothers him. I think it’s the pressure that comes with it all: he supposed to be perfect; he has to be the top-grading student; he must meet all expectations… And I guess that’s also where my problem lies.

            I don’t know how to help him through all this stress, nor do I know how to actually keep him ‘perfect’ with what I am labelled with today. If I did, maybe you’d already have your body back and I wouldn’t be writing about my worries. I still believe I can succeed though. For all I know, I’ll go farther if I think positively instead of setting limits to myself. Please bear with me…

            I’ll sleep on it, and we’ll see how it goes! Goodnight!

 

 

 

I closed the journal. I had to think. I closed the lights and went to bed. As I stared at the ceiling, not much thought came to my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:: The same day, 7:00 AM ::

 

 

Last night, although my heart beat at a furious pace, I still manage to sleep. I was happy to finally feel replenished in the morning. I prepared myself for the day, and headed to the kitchen. It was very quiet; normally Sandara would be making a ruckus while placing dishes and utensils in the cupboards. No Dara today, only a message.

 

Gaedong-ah!

Here’s your breakfast. Sorry I have to go early for this exam T.T… I will probably return late too… Dara will be back, don’t worry!!

 

 

I ate quietly, without anyone to talk to. Dara is so busy nowadays. I sighed. I felt pretty lonely, but thinking of yesterday made me happier. I uncontrollably smiled and headed to school.

 

 

 

I walked to the school, taking a path that I always did to avoid big crowds. The front yard was emptier since winter. It became much quieter as well.

I entered the school, shyly making my way to my locker. There were much less people than usual. I eyed the people to my left, then to my right. I heard whispers.  No. I don’t think the problem is the number of people.  I turned around slightly and saw how they looked away. They were all avoiding me. Strange…

 

 

 

 

I went to class early like I would always do. Sitting down at my desk, I realized I forgot to put Dara’s cellphone in my locker. Better close it before I get caught to have a cellphone in class.

 

 

1 new message(s)

 

 

“Oh, maybe it’s Dara,” I told myself and clicked on the icon.

 

 

Park Bom

 

 

Park Bom? Who’s that? Must be Sandara’s friend. I clicked on the message.

 

 

Hey Dara? I don’t know but isn’t that guy your brother?

 

 

I opened my eyes wide.

 

 

Attached to the message were two pictures. Seungho and I... yesterday.

The first one was us on the bench. My hand on his face, our silhouettes in the moonlight… I blushed at the sight, but I knew it was not the time to think about that moment. In big capital letters was written the word ‘gay’. The second was in front of the apartment building. It was much clearer than the last one since the streetlight was just over our heads. In the caption was written: Who is the other in the red scarf???

In both pictures, I was the only clear one. Well, in the first, everything was very much dark. Whoever took this picture obviously didn’t use flash, which – I have to admit – is an important tactic as to not be caught. However, the second one’s content is much more distinct. I am obviously pecking Seungho on the lips. I supposed that this wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t notice that the other person in the picture except me was also from our school; I noticed that our pants, they are our school’s uniform, which gives away the fact that the ‘red scarf guy’ is from this school. Damn… If Sandara’s friend who I suppose does not frequent this school received a message like this, then all the students here should already have discovered. What am I supposed to do? I can’t meet with Seungho anymore…

 

“Yah!” I looked up. Byunghee was at the door. “What are you doing here?”

“Me?” I still couldn’t think straight after what I saw.

He came to me and pulled me from my seat. “Hey Byunghee-ssi what are you doing? Let go of me!”

He quickly pulled me to another secluded classroom.

“What are you doing, Byunghee-ssi!” I freed my arm from his grasp.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he said in a low voice.

“What do-”

“You know what happened don’t you?”

I remained silent.

“Then why did you come to school? You’re asking to get killed!”

“Why? What can they do about it?”

“They… Trust me, you really don’t want to know.”

He silenced me because of the sadness echoing in his voice. I knew what he meant by those words. He used to or might still be victim of whatever wrongs our classmates and other students have put him through. When he ran away from those people yesterday… I wonder what happened… By the looks of it, he doesn’t seem that panicked nor is he avoiding people. This new dilemma in which I am involved appears to have lured the predators from him to me.

As a witness and victim, Byunghee must sympathies with me, which is great and bad news. Great thing is he won’t harm me, he’s going to help me most probably, and he won’t turn into a ‘predator’… I guess I could say. Bad news is, he’s probably warning me about what’s to come, all which I don’t know how to face nor avoid.

“What can I do about it anyways…” I commented. “Everyone knows about it. Something like this shouldn’t stop me from attending school.” I was getting ready to open the door and leave, but Byunghee’s following words made me freeze.

 

“Well, I guess you should at least consider the ‘red scarf’ guy in all this.”

 

“…”

 

“Yeah, I saw him before he got onto the bus… with that scarf around his neck.”

“Is he-”

“He’s a smart guy. I don’t think he’s wearing it anymore.”

 

I couldn’t focus anymore. I was shaking out of fear. I don’t care what happens to me. But Sanghyun… Seungho…

 

“D-don’t tell… anyone,” I blurted out.

 

“Wasn’t planning to,” he assured me. “But you got to figure something out. One of you is bound to get screwed, but it could be the least that can happen.”

“Why are they like that?” I sighed in defeat.

“They just need someone to vent out their frustration. But I have no idea what homouality will bring up. In this school… you can’t expect all adults to be open to this.”

 

I took a deep breath and returned to class.

 

 

I must not have realized what a human's world was. I am different. I also believe everyone is different. From there I believe nothing should go wrong. But it does. And it's sickening me.

 

Students were already in class, chatting amongst each other before class started. As the door's click signaled my arrival, silence overwhelmed the whole class. A whisper turns into louder murmurs, then into giggles... Desks and chairs move as I make my way, people avoid touching me like I'm filthy, contaminated, a walking germ. Only when my back is turned I am bumped, pushed, insulted most probably. Behind my back, yes, but so likely behind me that I hear everything although they think I don't. I made my torturously long way to my desk, only to see how it contrasts with Jieun's clean working surface, well what used to be hers at least. I couldn't lift my head. I was angry, but I felt too small to do anything. My books and other belongings on the floor, I was only thinking how it was great that Sandara's cellphone had not been amongst those; it would have been as wrecked as the rest if it had been.

I cleaned up everything though. Who would've helped me anyways? No one. I can't expect anyone to help me. Trust? Who was there to trust anymore?

I was alone on this one. Byunghee wasn't there, nor was Seungho. They seemed to have skipped class.

 

My desk was completely vandalized. The doodles were made with permanent black marker because I couldn't take it off no matter how hard I tried. A great number of staples pinned on the wood, thumbnails rolling on the floor as I pulled my chair, I tried to calmly push away any obstructions before sitting down. The bell rang. The teacher must have also known about the incident because when he arrived at my name on the attendance sheet, he told me to go to the director's office. I silently went.

 

I knocked on the door. The secretary opened the door, startled to see me.

"You called me?" I sighed.

"Ah yes," his voice hesitated a bit.

He closed the door for a bit and I barely heard he say, "Euh... Sir? Park Sanghyun's here to see you."

"He's here?" A man clears his voice. "Tell him to come in then."

 

Steps become louder and the door opens again. "Come in," he spat.

 

"Good morning, director," I greeted politely.

It was a man ripened with age. It was an intimidating kind of man. The way he sat showed pride, confidence and discipline. The blinds were closed. The dim light added constraint to the room; although it was large, - maybe it was the wealth and the pricey-looking furniture – I felt strangled by the air and the hostility. The little rays that weren’t blocked by the screens blinded me. I squinted my eyes and hid in the shade as to not burn my eyes. It hurt, but it hurt more standing there. There was no evident reason as to why he called me. I just stood. He sighed.

"Please, sit- No just stand there, it won't be long anyways."

 

"If you prefer it that way, sir," I replied and kept on standing.

 

"Park Sanghyun, you are aware of the rumors running around, right?"

"Which rumors, sir?” I played dumb.

“Those pictures… Is it truly you?”

He threw at me an envelope. I opened the package: there were much more than two pictures. A lot of them were from the same scenes, almost the same angles. I was grateful that Seungho was not very visible in all of them.

“…”

"Whether it be your ual orientation or not, you have stained the good name we made of this school."

"I by no means-"

"Please send us a letter of expulsion by next week."

"Why should I-"

"I don't think anyone's ready to accept homouality. By doing this you will avoid all the bad things that you have brought with that name of yours."

"Couldn't you just expel me?"

"There are two reasons why I can't. First of all, it'd be much better for our school and you if you admit your wrongdoings. There is a long cross-examination to do. By sending this letter, you and I will go through less trouble, unless if you force us to go through this procedure."

“I don’t see why you have to expel me.”

“It’s simple Sanghyun. Ever experienced bulliying? I have no control of that outside of school. If you leave this side of town, you’re probably going to receive less hate.”

 

Nonsense… It all sounds like nonsense to me…

 

"Secondly, you have to tell us who is the other bad apple from this school so we can clear our name!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yang Seungho... A bad apple huh?

 

I chuckled at the thought.

 

I can't believe I skipped class. Well, technically I didn't because my absence was motivated. Half a day at home... why not?

 

 

Now… What to do?

I would’ve loved that this was all a joke, but this ‘new name’ I’m currently stuck with will label me forever. Is it really that bad to be ‘gay’ as they say?

 

What did I do wrong? What did Seungho do wrong? What is it I did wrong to Park Sanghyun?

I should’ve asked something like this to Seungho. He always has answers to my random questions. He always reassured me when I was doubtful. But now, I can’t meet up with him anymore. I don’t want him to be bullied too.

 

If you don’t have someone to lean on, bullying will be one of the worst parts of your life…

 

Sanghyun had written this in one of his entries… But I truly have no one right now. Seungho’s far from reach. Dara… I can’t make her fail her exams. She’s gone now anyways. I can’t expect her to worry all the time for me. I can’t tell her about this. I can’t be expelled. They have no pertinent reason to. As long as I keep on being a good student, they can’t do anything to me. As long as Seungho keeps on being an exemplary student, they can’t do anything to him either.

But Seungho must’ve thought of all this, no? He must know what’s going on in school. Why did he confess then? Why, if he already knew the consequences? Why is Sanghyun the only target?

 

 

 

A bad apple?

 

 

 

They think I ate the bad apple in the bunch, but what if it tasted even better than the rest?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi! I decided to add in a little section to talk about some interesting/boring trivia about The Manly Me. You guys can read it if you like; it doesn't really change anything.

Fact linked to this chapter:

            I was inspired to write this chapter because of my own experiences. In high school, students thought I was homoual. I never understood why. I never liked judging people, and I never found anything wrong about homouality. Now what I didn’t like was that people would spread that rumor behind my back, although I knew what was going on. I had no way to prove otherwise; I mean, I never dated anyone at the time. No one would ever ask me if it was true; they just assumed it was like that. *sigh*… Obviously I didn’t let it get the best of me. I just continued my life. :/