Day 5.

Time for investigation.

Why was the journal opened on the desk?

                It has been a few days since that strange incident, but I did not let it bother me. What had bothered me the most was how Seungho had not been in his right mind – or so I felt. I was more preoccupied by that, but Seungho is a human, meaning he can figure things out without my help, and also meaning that he is more independent than… a journal. Of course a journal can’t move by itself. And that’s what brought this incident to my attention.

                If I’ve been tracking this well, I definitely did put back the journal in its original place. Could it be Dara’s work? Maybe. She’s the only one in this apartment other than I afterall. Besides, I doubt anyone would barge in just to pull out the rustiest book of the shelf. Hints… where can I find them? And most importantly, when? History project is to be given quite soon - in three days to be exact -, and so much work is to be done. So many doubts in my mind, but all I need is one click to make every puzzle piece fall into place. That’s all I need: a click to link everything together… the journal, Sanghyun and history itself.

Seungho’s P.O.V .

                Why am I hating this?

                Why is this still bothering me although nothing that happened is related to me? Ok, so Sanghyun’s friend comes in, she got really “friendly” and what next? Could she be his new girlfriend? Most probably. But why does it bother me so much? Why did it bother me when she slid her body close to Sanghyun. Too close. This is more than friendship. I looked away, lowering my head for them not to see the anger in my eyes. I hated it. I hated it so much. Of all people, why Sanghyun? Why the most innocent person I knew? With that thought in mind, I could not face him, or rather, I believed he didn't want to see me. In that one moment when that girl came in class, I realize that all my uncertainties were correct : something was definitely wrong with me. My heart thumping, most probably out of regret and humiliation, I left. I felt as if I hurt my pride. In my pitiful state, I averted my glance from the couple. I didn’t want Sanghyun to see me like this. 

                Well, in fact, he did see me like this, a few minutes ago. Why did he see my eyes? It was almost as if it was exactly what he wanted to see when he held my face, and stared deeply into my wet eyes. It was almost hynotising, that moment when I saw his eyes. I remember that stare. It was full of worry.

                Or could it have been… pity? Did Sanghyun pity me? I hate this! Why? Not at school! I don’t want anyone to know this. Can I trust anyone? I don’t know… I’ll never know.

“I don’t care, because I’m leaving,” I said, trying to not make my voice waver. I looked at Sanghyun, a mere glance.

Please don’t follow me, Sanghyun, I thought.

I left, thinking it would be better for me. I heard no sound behind me. Sanghyun did not follow me. Why did this realization feel so bittersweet?

I hate it. I hate it all…

                Remembering this regretful moment, I walked in the familiar street at night. Shops were still open, but I stayed outside as to rejoice being alone for a while and hidden from the light. The night helped me to calm my disturbed heart. Nothing better but to stroll quietly, and let the darkness pour its invisible cloak on me, me into shadows… Feeling the night’s breeze, I take my time, observe people, whether they be in couples or alone. I made me feel better. I didn’t need to think about how people think of me like during the day, at school.

                It was night, and nothing felt better than to be invisible. My hands in my jacket, I walked by myself, something that I often did when I… I knew something was wrong with me. It was calming, to be alone and unnoticed.  It would never worry my family, especially not Seunghoon; they all trusted me as a capable and responsible son. I would only come home late at night. There would be no one to wait for me. They would all be asleep. They didn’t even consider it as strange. They’d just let me go do whatever I wanted at night, because they believe that I wouldn’t do anything bad. Of course, they love me and worry for me. But, my troubled heart would put that aside, and I would blindly think that there was no reason to come back home, that there was no one or nothing that was the reason to come home.

                As I walked down to the small intersection, I saw the convenience store. I remembered then when I accidently bumped into Sanghyun. He was running in the cold. He was running carelessly. True, there wasn’t anyone crazy enough to stay that long in the cold street, but we collided, and I ended up bringing him home. That night was like tonight, only Sanghyun was the reason I came back home. Right. He was the reason I came back home, yet he is the reason I am here at this moment.

                I hated it. I hated it, and, from that point on, I believe that was where I blinded myself to think that I had found a person that doesn’t judge for my grades, my talents… It was pity, right? It wasn’t genuine, right? I wouldn’t regret now if it wasn’t for him? Is that it?

“Hello,” I said as I entered the shop.

“Ah, hello Seungho-ssi.” It was the waitress, Sanghyun’s older sister. She smiled. “Are you ordering the usual?”

“Yes please,” I tried to smile. I guess I was always good at hiding my true feelings.

                There was no one in the restaurant except me. The last people had just left, drunk. The waitress still smiled, no matter how late it was.

“You’re still gloomy…” she commented.

“Haha, how so?” I asked. I tried to be cheerful, although, truthfully, I didn’t want to be.

“Something is bothering you…” she seemed to be in deep thought. “I’ve noticed it a few days ago. It was that day when Sanghyun went to meet this girl for their history project.”

“Do you know who she is?”

                She didn’t answer at first. She hesitated. She walked towards the table at which I was sitting and sat down in front of me.

“Yeah I know. But Sanghyun doesn’t seem to know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Seungho, you’re Sanghyun’s friend right?”

                She looked me in the eye. “Yes, I am.”

“Then help me to help him.”

“What?”

“It seems you’re the only one he trusts. I can read his tics and habits, although… it is true that he has changed a lot. He’s not acting that close to me anymore.”

“Maybe it’s just some teenage thing still going on-”

“No it can’t be. Don’t get me wrong… my lil’ bro will always be my lil’ bro. I love him no matter what he wants to do and who he wants to be.”

                She smiled.

“If there is something that I find strange is that he is putting aside the feelings of the past.”

“Feelings of the past?”

“Jieun. That girl…”

[Dara tells the story…]

                It happened 3 years ago. Back then, Sanghyun and I were still living in Seoul. Sanghyun told me he loved someone. That someone being Jieun. But at that time, I didn’t know who it was.

                But Sanghyun had a strange talent. He could perceive whether people lied or not. It happened to me often. He would scold me for telling a lie. At first, I thought it was pure luck. But later on, it was proved to be true. He could tell if a person was telling the truth or not…

“I guess I shouldn’t talk about that…”

                She stopped talking. Silence quickly took over. All I heard was the swooshing of cars passing by.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes I’m fine,” she replied. “Anyways…”

                What came to be is that love had blinded him. Maybe because he was too young at the time, feelings took over what he could perceive. Afterall, deciphering a lie from a fact could be a done very subjectively. One day, I had spotted Jieun with another boy, but Sanghyun did not believe me. I didn’t want him to get hurt.

But he did.

                The rejection… I never did see it. All I witnessed was the aftermath. I believed it was the worst state of being in which I have seen Sanghyun. He didn’t take it well at all. In fact, he destroyed everything that reminded him of her. He was ready to forget her. He wanted to forget her. She told him it was a lie, their relationship, everything. The friendship Sanghyun had clung to so much was actually a lie, and he didn’t perceive it. Indeed, love had blinded him so much that, having confidence in his ‘gift’, he was convinced everything was a truth.

                All he kept was his journal. He didn’t do great at forgetting. Since then, he hadn’t kept a single physical memory of her. It was his own mind that tortured him.

                Yet, a few months later, Sanghyun was brought up to the hospital. They told me he was in coma. It was said to be a car accident. There was actually someone who gave money for the damage.

                But he woke up, recently, and forgot everything. He forgot everything, from his initial feelings for Jieun to his pain. I thought that emotions were not something one could forget so easily. There should only be a click necessary to make one remember. But there were so many clues… Jieun, the history project, the journal… All of that were sufficient to make him remember. Maybe Jieun had changed? Maybe the history project was just work for him? Maybe he hadn’t read the rest of the journal? Nothing seemed to change anything in him. I believed that he would remember once more, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to remember. If he did… would he come back to the pain he was plunged into?

“So that’s why you have not said anything to him?” I asked.

“Yes,” she answered. “What if he falls in love with her again?”

                But aren’t they together already?

“She’s bound to betray him again. What if she hurts him even more? What if he remembers once more? I don’t what to do.”