____________________________________________________

“Happy”

I opened my eyes as I chanted the spell, our magic word. A weak smile escaped my lips and in just a snap, my tears stopped and I blinked it away. That smile didn’t stay long on my mouth as it turned into a painful grit.

I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t want to be reminded of that. But these so called friends of mine, they just reminded me how I secretly killed my only son.

“Where is he Dara?  Please say something! Please” Bom softly yelled and burst into tears as it obviously heard.

“Stop asking her Bom. Please. I beg of you. Give her more time” Minho answered for me.

“More time for what? To keep her child for herself? Damn it hurts!! Dara we made a promise that if we have children of our own, we will make them all build the kind of friendship we have in their generation. Have you forgotten about that?--”

“Stop it Bom. I beg of you” Minho responded and felt him squeeze me softly in his arm, face buried in his chest, blocking my view of them.

“Man, Bom has a point. Let Dara speak. I know you’re protective of her but don’t do this to us, we are still her friends. It’s not even hard to admit now that it is out.  We made horrible things to Dara, we won’t hurt her again. We just wanna know why she hide it from us?” It was TOP’s voice that echoed inside the room. The faint sound from outside of the VIP room could only be heard as well as Bom and CL’s sobs.

I was clenching my fist again as I heard that ing word again. Admit? Why the do they always ask me to admit everything? First; they want me to admit the things I didn’t even do and ended up no one listened. And now the memories I want to keep to myself, the pain I tried to keep and just move on, the memories I don’t want to share, but still they want me to storytell everything I endured to keep.

I undestand why they are doing this, hell they are still my friends even though they had hurt me in the past. I just thought they would understand that I can’t report everything that happened since the day I left. I thought they will give me the time I need and just wait for the day where I can freely tell them the story of my life without hurting myself. But it turned out, I am being misjudged here again. Worst, in front of everybody.

I never wanted to hide it from them for I am keeping it. It’s two different words with different meaning. Hiding is something you bury, and by bury somehow it meant to last a lifetime. Keeping is something you control to reserve, and by reseve it meant to keep it for later.

And they failed to give me that time.

“She had her reasons. I ask you to give her time. Damn it!!” Minho cursed as he wrapped me with his arms.

“Then why? I’m curious as to why do you need more time Dara unni?” It’s CL’s turn now.

“STOP!! I SAID STOP!! Dara, let’s go. All of you, get the hell out of our way” Minho’s voice is filled with anger and I don’t want him to be involved in this. He’s been a good friend who support me from the time I needed someone to hammer my head and wake me up while holding the reality that life is a blessing. The man who save me, who will always save me. I’ve been a pain in his for 6 years but he never threw me away, he even opened his door to me and my son. I think it’s time for me to face this alone, even though I badly needed someone that can give me more strength to face this from two years of suffering and enduring.

I closed my eyes for a brief second and push Minho softly on his chest, uncovering myself from the tight and comforting wamth from his wide chest. I felt him struggled to let me go but I grabbed both his hands and pressed them on my cheeks. Finally my gaze flew to his and gave him a weak smile.

“They’re right” I said to him and found my voice husky and low tone. “It’s here anyway”

“But Dara--” He complained and I saw the pain in his eyes as I saw my pain reflected on him. He saw me at my wost so I shush him, pressing my forefinger on his mouth while I caress my cheeks on his between soft to rough big hands then press my lips to his palm, gave it a peck. And when I saw him nod, he pulled his hand off my cold cheeks and took a few distance away from me. Now I’m exposed to them.

Slowly I took off my gaze at Minho as it went directly to Jiyong who looked at me with shock, pain, sadness, pity, hate, anger and a lot more. It’s funny how I love him just few minutes ago, and now all I can feel is the pain.

Everything  that happened in the past, from us being best of friends, to the day when I found out I still love him and it was yesterday. Everything came back to life with eager like a thunder that I have nowhere to run to and just accept the bolt of electricity to kill me. Seeing him reminded me who the cause of this stupid life I have. I love him too much that it hurts and right now I hate him because no matter how painful those seven years that I was alone and struggling, I still have feelings for him. I ing love him so badly that it angers me.

He captured my gaze with his and I felt heaven in it. His beautiful brown orbs is staring at me with hate and pity that add more daggers in my heart. I hate how he pities me all the time. From the day I lost my parents, I saw that pity until now. I thought he loves me as to why he took good care of me, he never leave my side, brush my tears away but in the end, all of it was done because of pity. He saw me as his responsibility and now I’m watching those pity in his eyes again. It hurts. I already know that they have the idea that my child doesn’t have a father and they already know that Minho is not the father either, even though he was always with me.

They didn’t know I’m looking directly at my son’s father. Those beautiful eyes my son also had. Only few knows who the father of my son, even back in the Philippines. So only Minho knows about it fom all the people gathered in this not too small party room.

From all the pain inside my head, I felt numb and blinked the tears threatening to fall fom just watching my best friend that became the father of my son.

“Tch” I smirked at him evilly and his expression changed once again from hundreds of expression he wore right now to thousands. I broke the eye contact as I felt disgusted by his and turned to face Bom. Anger shot through me and its pulsating everywhere.  I finally found the strength to move.

“What? Ask that again to my ing face Bom. Do it!” I challenged as I slowly broke the distance between us after I gave her a glare. CL, Bom and almost all of them looked so shocked from this mode I switched into. The one they hate the most whenever I wear it. Not knowing that they gave it to me, they turned me into this. I laughed when no one dared to speak, still shocked like seeing someone died and became resurrected in a bad way. “Oh, I remember. You asked me about my son right? Do you even know what you just asked?” I smirked and level myself to her just a few inches away. I even saw TOP squeeze Bom in his arms but she lightly pushed him away.

“What does that mean Dara?” She asked but her voice’s a little crack. Shock is still written in her beautiful face.

“Tch, Do you really want to know? Does all of you really want to ing know about my ing past??” I smirked before yelling my next words, watching everyone of them giving me the curious look. “Do you really,.. Bom?” I stopped before I said her name, held her eyes locked on mine. Giving her a challenge after she threw me a ing invitation.

“Dara listen to me. I or we will not push you to give us any information about  your son or about the years you were alone after we threw you away. Damn it! Dara we are hurting too. We tried so hard, I tried so hard to reach out on you but you pushed me away after your return. Yes, we went out to have lunch or snacks together but I want to return that old friendship, I want to have that kind of friendship we once had, where we don’t hide and fully trust each other. I know things will be different now, but at least we’re trying”

“Trying?” I rolled my eyes and echoed the last word. And what?? Do I look like I’m not?

“Yes!! We are trying here Dara. All I want is to ask what more do we need to do to earn your trust? You have a son Dara, we made promises in the past right?  Am I the only one who still keep that promise?”

I do too. I just wish you give me more time.

“Speak up Dara! Tell me what more do we need to do to have your forgiveness? How long do you plan to hide from us? Hell!! Why are you turning into that again? That selfish brat you once are? Why are you over-reacting anyway, as if what I asked is a crime? And- ”

“STOP it Bom! You don’t know what you’re trying to pull out from her” It was Minho who cut Bom’s never ending questions. Wow, she even remind me of the ing past I tried to forget as if rubbing salt to my open stab wound.

I closed my eyes and breath as I lifted my right hand to Minho, giving him a cue that I’m okay with what she said even though it ing hurts. I did not even turn my head or glance at Minho. Instead, I leaned up and closed my eyes, breath some air for I needed it so badly before feeding her the answers they needed.

As my lungs are filled with enough oxygen, I saw the picture of my son inside my head. He was inside his coffin and I watched while few men burried him deep on the ground, shoving more dirt inside that tiny hole from the cold dead ground. “!!” As I cursed, I opened my eyes and glared at them, I don’t feel the pain anymore and it’s a good thing. I need more pain so that I will get numb. Finally I did it!! I face Bom and eyed her with hate. I saw her back out and stepped back as she covered with her hands as if she mentioned something she must never said.

“I-I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to impose the past Dara, I- I” She stopped as if calculating all the words she will have to say.

“Don’t stutter Bom because you’re right. I’m the selfish you threw away. ing hell yeah!” I sarcastically let out a laugh.

“No you are not selfish Park Sandara. Bom didn’t mean to say it that way so stop it!” Jiyong stood after he pounded the arm rest of the couch so hard that I felt the vibration from the ground. He was clenching his fist as he returned the glare I shot him a while ago. I smirked at the way he expresses the anger. I was right. He is really angry. A round of applause for him. Let’s give him that! He’s the center of this so he doesn’t have a ing right to glare at me like that.  “If you don’t want to tell us about it then do what you want. When will you understand our side Dara? Bom is only concerned of you, she doesn’t mean to harm you. Don’t hurt her more than she already suffered. She is a friend Dara! You must know that!”

“Friends who yet never listened to me?- who threw me away?” I hate it that I sound pained for him, my best friend.

“We never threw you unni, you did something really horrible to Kiko unnie that we were so mad at you but we never threw you away unni”

OUCH that hurt. Looks like they want to play the digging-of-the-past relay.

“Now I know what kind of friends you have here. This is pointless Dara, Let’s get out of here. They are not worthy  of your time and effort. They are freaking blinded and doesn’t  know what is true from lies. Let’s go” Minho spitted with disgust and felt his hand on mine as he dragged me but I pull out away from his hold.

“I’m  not walking away anymore. The effort I give from leaving this place, my friends I love so much, my best friend that I grew to love, just to calm the wavering friendship 7 years ago are just a waste. And it’s ing painful to know that all of you still believe that I did horrible things like a monster. Wow!! Just Wow. It must have really hurt, poor me”

“W-what do you m-mean?” Bom is still stuttering.

“It’s pointless to answer that incident 7 years ago now Bom. It’s in the past anyway. The truth will never return the loss we all got from 7 years we were apart. So I  give up! You guys win again” I held my arms high, hands-up, a sign of surrender. “As much as I don’t want to remember the loss I got, but all of you dig into it and now I don’t have a choice but to give in to your demands. Did you even think that I left you guys because I hate what all you’ve done to me? I left because It is what I must do to save everything, our friendship. If I stayed then do you think I will forgive you? I walked away so that I can forgive as much as I want to forget. I tried so hard to turn myself into someone you all wanted me to be. The lonely googy-goody Ssanttoki – the good girl. Yet I still failed. I was never successful on that task because I,.. really am the person you wanted me to be. The bad naughty selfish brat-slash--slash-witch. There is nothing to change because you always bring me down. Now I realize that my effort are put to waste. Gone with the wind. Just like that *snap finger*. You all turned me into this. And I hate all of you for hurting me! You even judged me that I am hiding my son. You are all wrong because I’m keeping it, and it’s two different words with two different meaning. I thought you could grant me the time I need and when it’s about time, then I can freely tell you eveything that includes him. My son.” I gasped and breathed more air to my lungs as I felt the loss of it everytime I speak.

“D-Dara, I don’t underst--” I heard Bom’s cracked voice that failed in the air. She failed to continue what she’s about to say more. I saw Jiyong’s anger expressing in his magnificent glowing brown orbs turned into pained black dead eyes.

“So to award all of you for winning this battle, I give you the answer you seek. Ryujin. It’s his name. A  beautiful name for my beautiful smart little boy. You asked where he is, right? Well, I sent him to..., to...” I stopped. From the short numbness from pain I felt a while ago, here comes the painful blow, the painful aftershock. The most painful of ‘em all. I know that the numbness will last for only a few moments but I will never be ready for the after effects.

I found the tears overflowing my eyes. The strength I thought I have enough stored inside me, is now threatening to leave me too as I felt my knees weakened. It’s the first time I let myself cry like this for my little boy. I promised him not to cry because I know he will cry too and I don’t want him to cry even if he’s already free from pain.

“ Dara!” Minho hissed and went directly to me when I felt my knees almost gave up and I thought I will hit the ground. It’s thanks to him that I was saved. The pain is ten times worst than getting your skin peeled off of your body and buried you with salt while your conscious and watching the one torturing you. Killing you softly. It hurts.

“Oh my God, don’t tell me he’s...” I heard Youngbae whispered but failed to continue. Instead, I heard grunts and groans inside the room.

“He’s dead alright!!! You’re right Bae. I sent him to,... heaven. I killed my son. I was never been a good mother. I was a fool to believe I can cure him. I thought I am strong enough to fight for him until we find a cure but I,.. I-” I stopped briefly and bit my lower lip so hard to suppress the impending scream that’s already at the tip of my tongue.

“Don’t  push too hard Dara. That’s enough” Minho whispered to me but I shook my head to my right and left as I disagree with what he said. I felt him squeeze me tight, my back rest on his chest and his other hand on my waist and the other hand’s  on my right arm. Stopping me from moving.

“No Minho. They asked for it right? I am giving them all the things they want to get from me” I said aloud so that they could hear. I don’t even care if I saw how all of them fell on their seat, head bent low, girls are crying as Bom fell on her knees. Top turned his back and his hands are at the back of his head as if in deep thoughts, walking back and forth. CL looked shock while she sat on the couch and didn’t even blink, frozen in her seat with tears in her eyes.

Except Jiyong who stood facing me. I don’t care if he’s giving me a pained look as its obviously seen on his eyes. He wasn’t crying but it’s the first time I saw him like this. I saw the guilt and saw how he wanted to get close to me.  He was taking a slow step forward towards me. Eyes never leaving me. “NOO!!” I yelled at him and he stopped. He bit his lower lip as I know he’s trying suppress a cry with the way her lips trembled. “You want to hear more right? You asked too many questions right?”

“Enough! That’s enough!”

No one made a sound, only Minho, yet I shook my head again and again. “My precious little boy, I ing killed my precious little boy!! I hate myself for being weak that I gave birth to him with a weak heart. Did you know that he can’t eat more than 5 spoon of rice because his tiny smooth hands are filled with contraptions and bottled fluids to provide him the nutrients his body needs via IV? His hands have needles inserted in it, yet he looks so lively.  Can’t eat sweets that most of the kids love to eat. He even play with just himself in our whiteroom even if there’s kids running and laughing and playing outside his window. Can’t go to school and silently wish that he can go buy his school materials that he prefer himself, failed to enjoy what school life means. The hospital even serves as a park to play with. It’s where he can only play whith kids whom he saw them suffering like him and worst. How could I let him suffer right?? I am to be blamed!!” I sobbed. It’s thanks to Minho that I’m still standing up, but the truth is, I’m leaning all my weight to him.

“Dara I’m sorry” Bom began but I still shook my head.

“NO!! you have to listen to all my ing stories of my precious son that I killed” I respond.

“I’m sorry!” Bom yelled and I still shook my head

“I bet you want to ask whose the father of my son right??” I watched Jiyong  as he suddenly gritted and clenched his fist on his side. I held his gaze as he gave in. “Well he’s someone I ed in just one night. Just one ing night. I ing have a one night stand with that bastard and poof, I got pregnant just like that. Call me a , it’s fine with me but my son is the fruit of my sin. He’s the one who suffered instead of me. Do you have any idea how hard it was? Damn I’m seeing my son being punished almost everyday from what I did that ing night!! !!” I cursed.

“No more. Say no more Dara please” Bom already stood up and held both of my hands but I pushed her away. I want to push her so hard but I can’t find the strength to do so.

“Don’t come near me!! Now you ing know why I want to keep it to myself. I’m not hiding it Bom! Do you understand now? You ing don’t know how painful it was for me!!” I screamed trying to let out the burden inside but it’s getting piled up more.

“Shhh” Minho shushed but it didn’t stop me from spitting more.

“I love him so much Bom. I endured the pain. I tried to be happy in front of him. Well I am happy to have him. He’s the reason why I moved on. But seeing him suffering while I can’t even cry because he doesn’t like me crying, do you know how hard it was?? But out of all the the hardship I went through, the herdest of ‘em all,... is to---”

“Don’t say it Dara!! Stop now. Can’t you see their sufferring now from the guilt. There’s nothing else to prove anymore. Don’t remind yourself of the bad memories and just replace it with the good memories. Have you forgotten your promise you made for Ryu??”

Of course I will never forget that promise because I know my son will be sad too wherever he is. But, just one last words that they must know.

“The most painful one that I did and endured, was to silently pray to God for his.... his...., his death. It’s the only way he will be free from pain”

Silence enveloped us as I screamed much louder than before.

“I ing wish him dead!!!!!” 

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A/N: Hush now.. Wipe your tears.... kkkkkkkk.. As promised, hope you enjoyed this chap.

"Is there a difference between hiding from keeping? I want to hear your own opinion not the definition"

wenkie0414 - i think it depends on what situation u are in. like for hiding are you hiding ur feelings to someone coz u think it might ruin ur friendship/relationship with that person or hiding because ur just coward to face the truth.. in keeping it like you know something and promised that person you will keep it as a secret and will not devulge it to anyone.. or ur keeping everyone in the dark because it is for their own good.. well these words can have the same meaning but cant have it either.. so it depends pn what situation u are in.

           - OHH I see.. hehe, truth is, I don't know how to use either.. After writing chap 36, I asked myself... ohh yeahh,, what the hecks difference between the two. I don't know what's the strongest among the two? What do you think?-- hehe, I have no idea really.

newbie_me - i think theres no different between the two because basicly if u keep smthing u r hiding it just the matter of who u r keeping/hiding it from.its like lying n not telling bcause the impact is the same.

           - You got a point. Now I know.. *nods head. But, I can't really see hiding and keeping as a lie., if it's not said. I don't know. haha. I'm really torn between the two..GOSH! Thanks to you for giving me ideas.

HappyBlue - For me there is no difference between 'hiding' from 'keeping' because whatever the situation is, you are being a coward and just running away from the problem or that something you are hiding and keeping from the people who needs to know. No matter what your reasons are it's still hiding or keeping.

          - Oh right.. In some way, yes. Hiding and keeping looks the same, feels the same. I just can't really see keeping as a bad deed, where hiding feels it's done with force.. Aigoo. I don't know really, But thank you.

tothesky11 - Keeping: keep something u treasure 
Hiding: hide sth u dont want to share, u scare if this reveal.

          - I get it.. it's like this.. Keeping is something you MUST not tell. Hiding is something you HAVE to stop sharing. It's about what you MUST and what you HAVE.

joyburdeos - Hiding-is preventing something by putting it somewhere that cannot be seen. or concealing a feeling or a secret to be unknown to others.
Keeping-is holding into something/someone for a very long or indefinite time. something or someone that you can't afford to lose easily.

           - We have similar answer to the question. Hiding, if used in a bad way, it ended up hurting other people. As we hide, we placed it somewhere difficult to find, as to keeping, it's something YOU hold.

Miss_Prei - Hiding and Keeping something in my opinion are the same. The reason is you wouldn't keep something that you don't want anyone to know about. Yes one may say that if one would ask he/she will answer.But the point is that if you're confident about something or if you know you didn't do something wrong you're going to say it for you to talk about it w/the other person or people involved.

If by any means that you knew that you were in the wrong keeping or hiding it would only worsen the situation. We must take responsibility for our mistakes. But then again, I do understand if one is still not ready to share or talk about the topic. Keeping something for a while is reasonable because it means we are willing to talk about it and solve it in time. But hiding it entirely, well let's just say it'll create a big hole/rip in the trust given to you. Good intentions or not, doesn't actually play a big role when you kept or hid something. The damage has been done. 

Bottom line is, either keeping or hiding, there will be consequences that we're bound to pay.

          - Hi miss_prei.. First, mianhe for the 'bitter' word I used. *slap my mouth&hands. I should have added the word 'YET' after that bitter word. hehehe. Peace. 'Nyway, If I'll use the word keep, will I suffer a consequence? Well, I'm just thinking, if for example I saw a murder and I got threatened not to tell, of course it is not hiding but keeping, so will I be punished for that? Am I a coward If I keep it? Aigoo. I really don't know. It sounds the same for me, it feels the same to me too. I just can't use the word keep- for bad intentions. -->Thanks for the ideas tho. Love lots.

- The ideas you gave inspired me.. Thank you. 

For my 37th question.

"Will you hate Dara (the girl in this story not the real deal) or someone you knew with a similar issue, if she/he wishes death to end a suffering?" (It's kinda similar to EUTHANASIA- Mercy Killing. Though euthanasia is a deed)

Keep on smiling,

-Aeiya-luvs-u