"Can I be your lover again? In the other life?"

 

"Please... Don't say that..."

 

"Can I?"

 

"Yes... Of course... You can... You can"

 

~*~

 

 

Tiffany closed her eyes, a faint smoke emitted from by the cold weather as she exhaled softly. She held the white photo album with a soft pink ribbon in one hand and the other traced the cover slowly. 

 

Her eyebrows knitted together as she smiled bitterly by the memories she always remembered every single step she took. Her heart was empty, as empty as it always did since three years ago.

 

 

- 3 years ago -

 

"You owe me a new blouse"

 

"I already bought you one 2 days ago, Tiff. Why with it?"

 

Tiffany spun her office chair with her legs crossed, a pen on her finger. She eyed the brunette in front of her.

 

"Yea? You spilled it with coffee this morning"

 

The brunette gasped, pretending that she forgot about that.

 

"Did I?"

 

Tiffany rolled her eyes before she spun her chair. Back to her laptop with tons of documents beside. She started typing on the keyboard when a pair of hands hugged her from behind and a soft kiss was placed on her smooth cheek.

 

"You can use mine"

 

"Too tight, Honey. Too tight" she shook her head.

 

"I like tight"

 

The older girl started to shower her with kisses along her neck before Tiffany spun around again and faced her fiancé this time. The other girl raised an eyebrow innocently.

 

"Don't like my kisses anymore?" She pouted. 

Tiffany giggled.

 

"Jessica Jung, I love you and... Can you please... Stop being too adorable, honey? I'm trying to work here"

 

"But I miss you!" More pouts. "I misssss youuuuuuu~" and she giggled.

 

Tiffany can't help but blush and kissed her fiancé deeply as she chuckled. She missses her too of course. All Tiffany was doing was just working, and working, and working. It's not that she abandoned Jessica, she's doing it for Jessica. She spends her money for no one other than Jessica. Tiffany loves Jessica too much and she wants Jessica to be with her forever.

 

Forever...

 

She doesn't know how long Jessica can survive. The tumor in her brain is killing her slowly. Tiffany did everything to make Jessica’s  life longer even if she knows she will lose Jessica one day. She knows but she doesn't want to believe it herself. It hurts to imagine to living a life without her fiancé. It's hard, it's painful and heartbreaking. 

Tiffany knows, but she doesn't want to lose hope.

 

~*~

 

 

Jessica hummed cutely beside her. Their hands intertwined and swungwith every steps they took. When the wind blew, Jessica shivered and clung onto Tiffany's arm, hugging it tight. Smile. The smile never leave the younger girl's face as she watched Jessica and examined every inch of her face. How her eyebrows knitted, how her lips curled up to a smirk, how her cheek tainted pink when Tiffany said 'I love you' to her. Jessica was just a little too perfect. 

A little too... Adorable.

 

"Baby?" Jessica looked down to her feet, watching her feet like a 5 year old kid.

 

"Mhmm?" Tiffany kissed the crown of Jessica's head.

 

"Tell me one thing I don’t know?"

 

"Huh? Like... Um... I wear pink underwear right now?"

 

Jessica laughed and hit Tiffany's shoulder. The black head girl laughed along with her.

 

"Not that ert! I mean... Something like... How does it feels like when... You look at another girl?"

 

"What do you mean?" Tiffany looked at Jessica, questioning her.

 

"What is on your mind when you're looking at the another girl but she’s not me?"

 

"That... She's not you? My heart won't find its beat if the girl who smiled at me is not my Jessi."

 

Jessica blushed, she smiled lovingly as she hid her face by looking down even more.

 

"You know, Jess?" She stops for a while, making Jessica look up at her. Tiffany looked down to meet her lover's eyes. "I don't know how to start the day without you. I rely on you"

 

The smile on Jessica’s face was gone, the brunette looked down to the pavement. Her hands leaving Tiffany's. The other girl panicked, afraid if she said something that hurt Jessica's feelings.

 

"Baby, what's wrong? Your head hurts again? Does something... Hurt? Baby, you scared me." Tiffany shook her shoulder.

 

"Tiff?" Jessica raised her head, her eyes red as she held back the tears. Tiffany's heart was broken by the view. She frowned deeply. "You- you can't... You cannot rely on me like this anymore. You know that- that I just have... Months..." Jessica hugged her fiancé tight. Too tight maybe. 

 

Tiffany felt something inside her heart being torn away. As if she just woke up from a nightmare and just realize that Jessica never loved her back. She slowly pulled the older girl closer to her. Bringing her close to her heart so Jessica can hear that her heart beats just for her. 

 

"Don’t say that please, Jess" Tears rolled down her cheek as she buried her face in Jessica's brown hair. Tiffany cried there until she soaked Jessica's blouse. 

 

"I'll do everything to make you stay. I will. I promise. Even if I need to work nonstop...  Jess, trust me, I'll do anything. Please... Don't say that. I'm afraid for losing you"

 

Jessica closed her eyes. Holding the sobbing Tiffany as tight as if her life relied on her. She should be the one who is crying for knowing the death is waiting for her, wanting her in a count of months. But she knows Tiffany loves her. Tiffany relies on her. She knows she has her fiancé's soul. She knows, and it makes her worried.

 

~*~

 

 

Sometimes, it's better to not know anything rather than know everything but it hurts you like hell.

 

Tiffany held a map on her hand, looking down at it as she gripped on her hair frustrated. Tears soaked her face, her eyes swollen, her breath uncontrollable. It's better - for Tiffany - to somehow not know that Jessica's condition was worsened day by day, to not know that Jessica's life is no longer counted by months but days. Tiffany hates herself to not knowing that Jessica suffered every night by the hurt on her head. Tiffany cursed herself to not knowing that those stains of brown hair on the comb were not hers but Jessica's. Tiffany wanted to kill herself to be such a fool to not notice little things.

 

"I'm sorry for not telling you. I just didn't want you to be worried anymore" was all Jessica said when Tiffany asked her. Tiffany can't be mad at her of course, she was just kneeling in front of Jessica, hands turned into fists as she buried her face onto it. She loves Jessica too much to even blame her by the mistakes she'd done.

 

~*~

 

 

Jessica was in coma. She never opened her eyes anymore. Never showed Tiffany her beautiful light brown irises or showed Tiffany that she also can do an eye-smile. No, all Tiffany can see was just Jessica's pale face, her body rested limply on the hospital bed, dressed in the hospital’s oversized dress and the cables that connected Jessica's pulse to the indicator. 

 

Tiffany's heart was broken.

 

She never left Jessica's side, she never went to work like she always did happily,  she didn’t even bother to go to the canteen to eat. She just wanted to be there, on her lover's side, be the one Jessica will see first when she opened her eyes.

 

But Jessica just stayed quiet.

 Jessica didn’t know Tiffany was always there beside her. Holding her hand and never letting it go even just for a minute. Jessica never knew that Tiffany has panda eyes because she never left her eyes from Jessica's pale face. She didn’t know that Tiffany always prayed for her every time and she didn’t know that Tiffany spent the days crying.

 

~*~

 

 

Tiffany was finally sound asleep when Jessica woke up. It was 10 in the morning and Jessica didn’t know where she was. All she can remember was just Tiffany's worried face when she collapsed after she finished bathing days ago. She looked around, her eyes just opened a little and her eyebrows knitted by holding back the hurt on her head that she was feeling.

 

She looked at Tiffany's peaceful face, how the sun rays hit the smooth skin and make her look like a glowing angel. Jessica smiled a little as she moved her hand from Tiffany's grasp to caress her face. The younger girl stirred in her sleep and woken up by the touch.

 

Jessica had never seen Tiffany this happy before. Her eyes glowed and sparkled by the tears which finally fell on her cheeks. Jessica watched in slow motion when the doctor and nurses checked on her but her attention is all on Tiffany. Jessica chuckled and touch the girl's face as she spoke hoarsely.

 

"Honey…"

 

She watch as Tiffany's mouth form a Yes as an answer. She can't hear clearly as the doctors and nurses kept on talking.

 

"Can I be your lover again? In the other life?" She ask as she narrowed her eyes when the doctor flashed a light to her eyes.

 

The smile on Tiffany's face dropped, frowns took place.

 

"Please... Don't say that..."

 

Jessica ignored it. Tiffany's hand above hers trembled. Jessica can see fear in the younger girl’s eyes.

 

"Can I?"

 

Tiffany looked down. Her body trembled as she can't stop crying. The doctors and nurses were now done checking on her and stood by the end of the bed. Tiffany looked at her again.

 

"Yes... Of course... You can... You can"

 

Jessica smile genuinely, the one Tiffany hadn't seen for the past months. She pulled Tiffany weakly and kissed her on the lips. Jessica closed her eyes, her hand hugging Tiffany protectively. 

Jessica felt sleepy, she wants to keep her eyes open but it feels like she hadn't slept for years and Jessica - with the faint No Tiffany said - let the sleep took over her. She slowly closed her eyes by Tiffany's face be the one she looked at before her eyes close. 

 

Jessica smiles...

But Tiffany screams her heart out.

 

~*~

 

 

-Present-

 

The pink photo album was always with her. Tiffany scoffed as she wiped the tears which were about to drop on her face. She opened the last page of the photo album where a picture of her and Jessica on the bed with pink blanket covered their bare bodies. In the picture, Jessica rested her head on Tiffany's shoulder, Her smile was bright and addictive, their right hand held the polaroid together when Jessica's left hand hold Tiffany's face and Tiffany's left hand rested limply on Jessica's waist as she kissed her temple.

 

That was Jessica's favorite picture. 

 

Beside the picture plastered a hand written note. It was Jessica's hand writing Tiffany found on her drawer after she came home from the cemetery 3 days after Jessica was gone. It said;

 

 

"If you read this, that means I already have wings hehe

 

Dear Love, Tiffany Hwang <3

I'm sorry for leaving you, I promised you forever but I couldn’t make it

Thank you for always being  here at my hard times, I love you

 

Tiff,

Do you know how much I love you?

Do you know how many times I thanked god that he gave me such a precious fiancé like you?

It'll be always you in my prayer

It'll be always you in my heart.

 

I'm sorry for inviting you to my life

I never expect we can go this far

I'm sorry... To let you loving me

I can't stop myself to not holding you back and not let you enter my short life.

 

At that time, Tiff, I'm sorry for being so greedy to have you

I can't help but to love you.

Will you forgive me?

 

Even I'm not there with you anymore,

Even I can't hug and hold you hand anymore,

I will be always there in your heart

Watching you move on and get another beautiful life.

 

Maybe it's not our time yet to be together

I'm yours, Tiff

But it looks like I've to let you go to be with someone else.

I do want you to have another lover, another one you could rely on

 

I love you so much

More than just the sky and its rainbow

Or more than just the sea with its wave

 

I just want to let you know one thing,

Even when I'm not there beside you...

I always here watching you

I'm waiting for  you to have a good life

and I’ll be happy for you

 

I love you,

More than you ever know

-JJ-"

 

 

Tiffany brought the photo album to her heart, closing her eyes then kissed it. She eyed it and smile. She looked up to the sky and stood up, looking at the shining stars as she talk.

 

"I have a beautiful life now, Jess! I already move on just what like you said on your latter!" Tears stream down her cheek and she wipe it away. "She's Yuri! Her name is Yuri! I can rely on her now and she just proposed me yesterday. She can understand my past, Jessi! She understand me so much which make me remember you! Is that  you who send her to me?" Tiffany broke down. She kneels on the ground hugging the photo album close to her heart.

 

"I love you... I'm still loving you" she sobs more until a black haried girl came and hugged her.

 

Tiffany cried on her hug and the other girl calmed her down with a soft calming whisper. It was only Jessica who can do such thing to her. It was only Jessica who can stops her from crying. But now there's Yuri, and Tiffany doesn't know why but fall for Yuri.

 

"It's okay, Fany. I'm here"

 

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry"

 

"Shhh~ it's okay. I can understand" Yuri looked up to the sky and smile. She knows somewhere behind those stars, Jessica was finally smiling. Jessica was finally can stops from worrying Tiffany.

 

"Jessica is smiling for us, Fany" 

 

She hugged Tiffany protectively and kissed her head. 

 

"She finally can smile"

 

~*~*~