Everything is leaving me. Even the person I didn’t believe would leave me. She left too. Bom left me. I don’t understand. I can’t never understand. Why is everyone hurting me? Why do they say they love me but end up hurt and leave me? I thought Bom was going to stay with me forever. I thought everything would be allright after Chaera’s death because Bom is going to be always by my side.

But what happen?? She left me.

And all the that happen makes me blame on Sandara. I know this is a lil bit absurd. But I just can’t stop blaming her for what happened. I feel like ever since she did that mistake, more problems are hunting us. Chaera is gone. She is dead. She was my only precious thing I got.

I found Sandara’s picture on a frame at my mom’s house. I closed my eyes quickly. I can’t stand looking at her face. I know this is too much for her. I know I’ve crossed the line. I must have hurt her with what I said to her that day in the beach.

I was so ed up when I said that. I didn’t think clearly. I was so devastated knowing the fact that everyone I love is leaving me. Sandara was there, but like you all know it already, our relationship is not like it used to be anymore. I’m not sure about what I’m feeling. Really, I can’t sleep every night, thinking about Sandara, thinking about what we should do next.

We’re going to divorce soon. My lawyer already called me yesterday. . What should I do?

Mom knocked on the door. I’m startled and smiled at her, “Hey mom.” I greeted her.

I continued brushing my hair and looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve decided to move to my mom’s house. I think I need her for now. She is all I got. My family. Mom, and Jiyoung. They’re the most important person in my life now. Sandara is important too but, everything about her is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I love her, of course I still love her. But…. I also hate her, for some reasons. I know I should’ve forgiven her, but now it starts to haunt and confuse me again.

I still can’t trust her, and I still can’t forgive her sincerely.

“Still going to the farm?” she asked me.

“Yeah, it’s fun, mom, feed the dog, or, beg Mr. J to let me ride the best horse.”

Mom smiled and my hair. She is watching me carefully, “Are you okay, Chaerin?” she asked with husky voice.

I blinked up. I stopped brushing my hair and turned my head at her. I removed her hand from my head and squeezed it gently, “I’m okay, mom. Don’t you see me? I feel so alive recently. Look, I’m smiling.” I smiled widely. Mom my cheeks and her eyes are teary.

“Don’t you think you should go back and talk to Sandara?” she asked.

That name. That name suddenly faded my smile. My chest suddenly hurts and I feel so uncomfortable inside my stomach. I sighed, and mom knows I don’t really like it when someone brings up about Sandara.

“Mom, I don’t wanna talk about her.” I mumbled.

“But she is still your wife. She is sad too. She also loses her daughter. She is all alone in this world, Chaerin. Why are you being like this?”

I clutched my hand and tried not to scowl or yell at my mom. Something is like possessing me. “Mom, If you so care about her, why don’t you go to her by yourself? Just, stop talking about her in front of me.” I rushed out from my room. I put on my jacket and my boots, walking away from home.

The sun is up, it’s the perfect day to help in the farm, since I have nothing to do and the owner of the farm is a good friend of my parents. Me, Jiyoung and dad used to go there every Sunday, the owner, Mr. J would give me and Jiyoung free fresh milk.

Memories started to attack my head. I slightly smiled remembering those sweet moments.

Mr. J lost his wife two years ago. Sandara also attended the funeral, at that time Chaera was still two years old. I remember how she always cried whenever she saw white horse. I arrived at the farm, the old wooden door is opened. Mr. J is living alone, his sons are all working in town. I pity him, that’s why I volunteered to help him.

He is sitting on the dining table, alone, with his Siberian husky eating the breakfast on the floor. I sat down facing him. “Morning, Chaerin.” He passed me an empty glass and poured me fresh milk.

“Thank you.” I murmured.

“It’s been two weeks since you moved here. What about your lovely wife? Sandara, is she alright?”

Again. Why do people have to keep bring up her name in front of me. I gulped the milk slowly and sighed. “I don’t know. I haven’t reached her since I got here.” I replied.

He stopped cutting his steak and starred at me weirdly, “Why?”

I shrugged, “Like I said, we separated. Please, sir, I don’t want to talk about her.”

“Don’t you love her?” his stare is getting firmer.

I starred back at him, “I do.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Mr. J, please, I come here not to spend my time talking about my wife who cheated and hurt me.” I almost yelled. I quickly duck my head, “I’m sorry, sir.” I murmured.

“You know what, when my wife passed away, we were not in a good state of relationship. We were having a big fi