I've been having nightmares recently. They're like haunting me, following me around, chasing after me. Me, my mind, and my heart. It wears me out. 

I can't bear attending the funeral, how could I? But I'm here, at the funeral, specifically, inside a bathroom at a guard house outside the cemetery. I'm looking at myself again in the mirror, and again, I see a monster, a lonely miserable monster. I feel sick again, and no, I never tell anybody about this. I just don't want to be a burdensome, after what happened to our family, I don't want them to worry about me. 

I removed my black linen shirt and looked at my sleeve and wrist. . It's obvious. Those scratches. I'm grasping for air because I cry hard again. I still keep the razor blade, still haven't got rid of it, I can't. I keep thinking that I need it. 

"Oh…" I moaned when blood start flowing out of my skin. I closed my eyes, it's painful, but not as painful as my heart is. 

It gives me pleasure, cutting and scratching myself. It makes me feel less guilty and less upset. I do this as punishment for myself, from myself. I think I've gone crazy. I think I am. I think it's just the matter of time when Chaerin or Jiyoung finds out about this and they will send me to rehabilitation, or, mental intuition?

Someone rushed on knocking the door. I know who it is. The only person in this world that keeps bothering me since the day Chaera left is… Kwon Jiyoung.

I know he is noticing something off on me. I know he knows. But I don't give a .

"Open up, Dara. I know you're in there." he yelled.

I rubbed my forehead with my fingers, getting panicky, I run the water and quickly remove the blood from my wrist and dry it with my handkerchief. I took a deep breathe before Jiyoung started kicking the door with his shoes. "Open it or I'm gonna break in!"

"Don't break public facility, you !" 

"Then open it!" 

I put on my shirt again and open the door in a flash. He is gawking at me, and then his ball eyes moving around to sense what has happened inside the bathroom. Then he focused on me again, he stared down at my hands and grabbed my left hand, damn he got me.

He slide up my sleeve and witnessed what I've done to myself. 

"I'm gonna tell this to the others." He turned his body around so quick. My heart race is increasing and I pulled his black jacket collar. I blocked his way, "No." I shriek.

He frowned, "I can't let you keep doing this. How long are you planning to do this to yourself? Punishing yourself? You're such a stupid ." He stepped on another side and walking even faster than before. 

I catch up with him and this time I pin his arm with both my hands, hold it tightly. He stopped. 

"Please, I will… I will stop." I said hesitantly.

He looked at me, very deeply, and his eyes are teary. I know he worries about me. I know that he cares, but he is not my boyfriend or fiancé anymore. He is not mine anymore. Now I have nobody. I'm alone in this world. Nobody wants to love me again because I always end up letting them down. I always screw up. I don't deserve nobody.

Thinking about those facts really dry my throat and makes me want to cry out loud. Crying and cutting myself, best combination, best way to die.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and pressed them hard, he is holding his tears, "You have to get yourself out of this. Please, Dara. Be sane! Stop thinking about it, would you? Chaerin needs you. She loves you."

"She loves someone else. And she is with that woman. She doesn't need me, Jiyoung."

"Yeah but I love you. Mom loves you. Chaerin still loves you. We've already lost Chaera, what if…" He gulped his saliva and looked up to the sky to hold his tears.

"I'm sorry." I said with my cracked voice and hugged Jiyoung tightly, wrapping my arms around his slim waist and leaned my head on his chest.

"Please don't tell them. I promise I would stop." 

Jiyoung my hair and hugged me back. "Okay I won't tell."

We're back to the cemetery, the corpse is already buried. Chaerin is holding Bom's hand tightly. I'm watching them from behind. Chaerin is crying and Bom is calming her. Such a perfect couple, I thought.

Chaerin's mom is also crying, Jiyoung is by her side. I'm beside him, bearing it myself. I feel sick again. Everybody is praying now. I don't know what to do. Part of me still can't believe that my baby girl has gone. 

Chaerin turned around and saw me. She went to me and hugged me in a blink. I'm stoned at first but then I hugged her back. I start to cry. "Why does this happen to us?" I murmured. She rubbed my back and I can feel her holding me tighter. She is not saying anything, just holding me. 

***

1 week has passed. I still struggle gathering all my souls and start my normal life. Chaerin still looks sad, but not as pathetic as I am, because she has Bom by her side who is patiently taking care of her. Oh, and I have moved out from the house. I decided to rent a small apartment just for myself. I just can't forever stay in that house with my soon to be ex wive and her lover living there. 

And I broke my promise to Jiyoung about stop getting myself killed. It's not like I really want to die, like I said it just gives me a pleasure. I'm still cutting myself, and sometimes I nearly really kill myself. 

I feel sick again, and I throw up again. I think I'm really getting skinnier. Maybe I look like a damn old widow. Jiyoung is calling me up again. Seriously, this guy can't leave me alone. He always checks up on me. I know he is worried, but it's just too much. 

And again, I ignored his call again. I buried my phone under my clothes inside the closet so that I won't be bothered by him anymore, at least for today.

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter