I can't even look at Chaera's face. She looks so happy to see me and Bom. She looks excited telling story about her new toys and friends at school. She looks so much healthy and she looks tough. 

I leaned closer to the table and moved my chair forward so I'm tightened between the chair and table, my cold hands are holding a mug, my favorite mug which is filled with warm sweet tea. 

Across me, there's Sandara sitting also in the same position as me, filled with sadness and confusion. She looks paler now, and I didn't even bother to ask. I've been acting careless about her lately and I think I'll keep it that way for a while. 

"I'm gonna go to sleep now." Chaera said to Bom and then she looked at us, Sandara nodded, "Yeah, I'll be here if you need me." she said with her calming voice. 

I finally look at her, my sweet little girl, and I smile, I hope it doesn't seem fake or sad because I don't want her to notice that all of us now are in pain. "Sleep tight, honey." I said. 

"I think now it's time for me to go to the office." Bom said to me. I just gave her a quick nod. She said goodbye to Chaera and then she took off. 

Leaving me, Sandara and innocent Chaera who is doing her whatsoever homework in her room. 

I could hear the clock ticking when it's only both of us left in the dining table. As it's ticking, my heart is beating, following the rhythm, and my head hurts, I feel so dizzy. Sandara can't hold it anymore, she finally cry, again, and this time, she managed to calm it a bit. 

She covered with her hand so it won't make a sound, but it's still stressful for me to hear her crying like that. Stressful and hurting. 

, how amazing this universe is. 

Last night I was still hanging out with Bom, clubbing and laughing with her old friends, dancing and being mad. Hours ago I was making out with her, and then now… all of sudden, it changes. 

I'm sitting face to face with my wife, who is now crying over the ugly truth and I have no idea what I am doing.

I took a sip of my tea, it's not warm anymore and it really annoys me. 

"What should we do now?" Sandara asked when she stopped crying. 

I shrug and look out the window, "I don't know." 

"Chaerin, look at me." 

I don't even want to move a bit. 

"Chaerin, look at me now!!" she yelled and almost slammed the table. 

I look at her, she is teary again. "Do we still need to act like this? It's been months now. We're still married." 

"Oh, I've called my lawyer yesterday. We will not be married anymore." 

"What? Are you ing insane? Our daughter is sick and she needs us and you still think of divorce??" 

I clutched my hand. Damn! Why do I get  so emotional quickly every time she gets to talk. "I don't want to fight, Dara." I said, rubbing my forehead. 

She howls and rubbed her face hard, "We need to make a plan. We can't stay like this." 

"I don't want a plan. I want Chaera to recover, and I want her back, I want her to live here again." 

"That's not…"

"Mom…"

We both looked at the threshold, Chaera is standing there hugging her teddy bear with sleepy face. "I can't sleep, why are you both yelling at each other?" 

Sandara faked a smile and held her, "I'm gonna sleep with you." she said gently and then both of them disappeared.

. This is . 

After ten minutes, I can't stand it anymore. I walked to Chaera's room, the room is unlocked and it's slightly opened. Sandara is caressing her and singing a lullaby with her soft voice, a lullaby she made herself, a lullaby she used to send both of us to sleep. Chaera seems to have fallen asleep, that's why Sandara dares to cry. I know, she can't hold it. If I'm there, I won't be able to hold the tears too. 

It's too painful. 

Sandara noticed my appearance and she stopped singing. I don't do anything, just, starring at her. I just want to stare at her, and wondering, and try to find the feeling, maybe I can figure out what I should do about her, what should I do about our relationship. Maybe I can figure out if that feeling is still there. 

Maybe I still love her, but I feel really really tired of this love. I want to give up, but, does it worth it? 

***

I was smiling at Chaera when she said she loves me. I love her so much, she has been part of my life and I want to keep her forever. I want to watch her grow up. I want to screw her friends if they bully her. I want to be introduced to her boyfriend or girlfriend. I want her to live. For god's sake, why should all this happen?

She asked me to sing her a lullaby. This is embarrassing, but I made a lullaby for her when she was younger. Whenever I sing, she falls asleep easily. I don't even kn