We're drawing near to time when we have to lose Chaera. I've spending so much time with her lately, I barely go to the office, I barely come home, I'm just here, in the hospital, staying here, living here. And staying a lot in the hospital means encountering a lot with Chaerin. 

What hurts me the most is… not only that Chaera will leave me, but also Chaerin. The only two important people in my life are going to leave me, I don't know where to go or what's my plan for my future. Can't even find my parents' location. I hope I could die together with Chaera. I hope. 

"You know, you need to eat." Chaerin murmured beside me as she passes me a rice box. I shook my head weakly, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like getting up, my head is spinning, and my throat dry, and there's no will to even say anything. 

I glanced up at Chaera again whose bed is right in front of my couch, she is still sleeping. She had a tough night last night. She threw up again, and it was blood. We've been running around to find match blood for her, fortunately, we found the donor quite fast or… I didn't know what would happen to her. 

Chaerin looked at me carefully, she is concentrating on watching my face and making sure I'm alright. "When was the last time you eat?" she asked. I shook my head again. I can't remember when. I pulled up my quilt I brought from home up to my neck as I closed my eyes again. 

I hear Chaerin sighing and opening the rice box. God, no, Chaerin don't force me to…

Damn I smell meet and feel sick. 

I opened my eyes and she is right in front of me, sitting on an unfolded chair and holding the rice box, ready to feed me. She slipped her hand behind my neck and helped me straighten up my position. "I don't want you to pass out, okay? That would kill me. I can't handle two sick people in my life." she said and then she opened wider, "Open your mouth." she ordered.

I opened my mouth slowly and she put in a spoonful of rice inside my mouth. Well, I have to say it makes me feel a little bit better when I swallowed it. Chaerin has changed. She looks stiff and serious and quiet. I wonder what she is thinking. She is so unreadable lately. I watched her face while she is feeding me. She knows I'm watching but she doesn't care at all. 

"How's work?" I asked, starting a conversation. 

She shrugged, "Going well. You should quit your current job and fill into my office. I need you there." 

"As what?" 

"Anything you want, I could always give you position. You know that." 

"I'm alright in my office."

"Yeah but you have not come to work for weeks, they would fire you eventually."

"Taeyang won't fire me, he knows what I'm doing."

. I regret mentioning that name. Now Chaerin is not talking to me anymore. I don't know if it's because she is uncomfortable with the name or she has just lost passion talking to me. So I decided to stay quiet too.

"I think it's enough." I said. Chaerin handed me water and I drank it up. She sighed and looked at me again, "Next time, make sure you eat. I don't want to watch you die in this stupid couch." she whined. I giggled. 

"I'm gonna have a quick nap now." I said. She smirked and patted my head, I don't know what's her intention but I don't mind at all. 

"Yeah, take a nap, then wake up and get a life!" She patted my head twice and I closed my eyes. The last thing I remember is, her uneasy and sad eyes, starring at me, and her lips are parted again, like she was going to say something but she cancelled it because I'm falling asleep already.

***

Why would I touch her? Why would I pat her head? What's going on with me? Sandara, you don't have any idea how I miss you, how I'm burdened by your decision to let me be happy by letting me go. I thought you said you would never let me go. Why would you change your mind when I'm softened. I can't forever being mad at you, you know that fact. 

I can't stop watching her, she is safe and sound. How I wish I could caress those cheeks and kiss that forehead. But I can't. 

I leaned my body backward, crossing my fingers, still watching her sleeping. I remember the conversation I had with Chaera yesterday. 

Chaera's condition was at a good rate yesterday evening, so I took her out for fresh air. She might be six, but it doesn't mean she won't get stressed being secured inside the room for weeks. I put her on wheel chair and covered her lap with hospital green quilt. She looked so happy and cheered up when she finally got chance to see the sun and felt the cool evening wind. 

I stopped when we reached the hospital garden. I sat down on a bench beside her wheelchair while she is busy watching the evening scenery in the garden. Children running around with hospital pajamas, nurses watching every movements, old men are playing chess, very peaceful.

"Mom, do you still love pretty Mom?" 

That sudden question hit me up and causes my heart rate increase weirdly. This hasn't happened for so long, I mean, the topic about love and Sandara have never caused any nervousness and uncomfortable beating heartbeat before. 

"Why do you ask?" 

She blinked up, "Just wanna know. Why did you love her?" 

I sighed and looked at Chaera with a smile, "I just happened to love her. Didn't really know why. I just liked her and ended up falling for her and…" I paused. Chaera tilted her head, "Mom, do you still love her?" she asks again.

I nodded, "Of course. I always love her. But sometimes, when we love someone, it doesn't mean we need to be with them. We've lost each other for quite a long time. Our relationship is loosened. I didn't take care of her well, that's why I guess… she slipped away." I held Chaera's hands. "Do you love me?" I asked.

"I love you, mom, and I love pretty mom, and I want both of you to love each other again. Is it hard?" 

"We still love each other, Chaera." 

Chaera sighed. Then she ducked her head. "What's wrong sweetie?" I cocke