Chapter 23

Okay just calm down, _______.  Let him ask and then you can think of different ways to turn him down.  Wait, I’m going to turn him down right?  I mean, I’m 23, I can’t be married.  I’m still a kid.  No, I definitely can’t say yes.  Oh my God, I have to say no.  Just calm down, ______.  Breathe like a normal human being, for Christ sakes!

“Why do you keep mumbling to yourself?”  Jiyong asked me while nudging me with his arm.  My head snapped towards him and I glared at him quickly before a chuckle escaped his lips.  We walked in unison along the Han River while the twinkling lights of the city reflected off the water’s surface.  Jiyong still had our hands connected in his coat pocket while we strolled through the chilly night.

“I was just thinking,” I said softly.  I was anticipating him asking already.  Jiyong was not one to suppress important things when he knew of them.  He loved getting to the point quickly without giving any time for response.  He was a horrible secret keeper to anyone else, but to me he was the sole carrier of all my precious secrets from the world.  Jiyong was the only one that I trusted fully besides Mina.

Jiyong and I made our way to a park bench that was cleverly located right in front of the river.  My eyes panicky looked around us and saw not one bit of trace of anyone near miles of us.  The perfect proposal set up.  .  Jiyong gestured for me to sit down, but my legs wouldn’t agree.  Suddenly, I felt my heart rate increase dramatically.  Jiyong noticed that I hadn’t sat down yet and looked up at me with a raised eyebrow.

“What are you doing?” he asked casually.

“I’m not marrying you.”

Jiyong stared blankly at me.  And I returned the same look.  I don’t know how long we stayed like that, without any of us blinking, but suddenly the silence was broken with a small smile creeping up on Jiyong’s face.

“What?”

“I’m not marrying you,” I repeated.

Jiyong’s smile slowly took over his whole face.

“Ever?” he asked while finally managing to drag me down to sit with him on the bench.

“Well I mean---I don’t know,” I managed to say nervously.  “I just---well, not now.  I can’t get married now, Jiyong.  Neither can you!”

Jiyong threw his head back in laughter and slapped his knee a couple of times.  I watched him with confused eyes while he took my rejection very unusually.  Jiyong leaned forward quickly and kissed my lips, still with the stupid smile on his face.

“You’re cute,” he said.  “Is that what you were thinking about this entire time?”

I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Well, yeah---I mean I thought this---”

Jiyong blinked.  “Wait…you didn’t think…that I was going to propose to you did you?”

Kill me.

“What?” I asked dumbfounded.  My palms began to sweat and I slowly started pulling away from Jiyong’s embrace.  Was this not a proposal?  Oh my God, just shoot me already. 

“Wait…I wasn’t going to ask you to marry me,” Jiyong said while another stupid smile graced his perfect lips.

“Oh my God, just kill me,” I said quickly before getting up from my seat and walking away.  I tried to hide the growing blush on my cheeks, but I was failing to do so with the cold wind hitting my skin.  Probably with my luck, my whole face was the color of Jiyong’s red scarf that graced his neck.  I hurriedly tried to get away from the embarrassing situation, but of course I always underestimate Jiyong’s speed.  Soon enough he caught me and latched me in his arms, trying to turn my body so I could face him.  I felt him chuckle in my hair while I refused to turn around to meet his gaze.

“Let me go,” I whined.  “Leave me alone forever.”

“Baby,” he whispered while still chuckling to himself.  “Stop.”

“No, this is embarrassing,” I said with a groan.  “I can’t even look at you right now.”

“So what?  You can’t help but think about marrying me.  I’m pretty sure every girl has this problem,” Jiyong joked.

“Shut up, I’m going to kill you,” I said trying to wiggle out of his arms but unsuccessfully doing so.  I glared at him and Jiyong finally realized that I really was traumatized from this situation.  He released his hold on me and I began to charge away from him immediately.  Stupid stupid, _______.  How could you think he was going to propose?  Stupid.

“________!” I heard him yell over my shoulder.  Ugh, stupid stupid.  “Wait, _______!”  Ugh, how humiliating!

I was too embarrassed by this whole situation to even look at Jiyong now.  How could I have a serious conversation with him after all of this happened?  I wrapped my arms around my shoulder and tried to create some warmth between by limbs.  Jiyong definetly held more warmth than I could alone, I already missed his touch.  Ugh. 

“Wait!” I heard him yell once more.  I quickly began to increase my pace while I headed towards the crowded streets.  I heard a groan from Jiyong.

“_______!  I love you!”

What…

My feet stopped precisely the moment those three precious words left his lips.  My mouth slightly fell from its hinges as I replayed those words in my head.  My fingers began to shake ever so slightly while I suddenly felt the world around me spinning.  I felt like a feather and that gravity no longer existed for me.  I felt like I was….floating.  My insides started to warm up and I suddenly forgot about the chilly air that was currently hitting my exposed skin.  I could hear Jiyong’s quiet pants as he tried to catch his breath after chasing me.

Jiyong.  Loves.  Me.

“What did you say?” I asked with my back still facing him.  Too many things were occurring within the past few minutes that my brain barely had any time to process it.  I was dumbstruck.  I was frozen.  I didn’t know how to react or respond.

“I love you.”

Sweet Jesus.

This wasn’t a dream, this was indeed reality.  Jiyong showed no hesitation in his voice when he said those three words a second time to me.  Even so, he seemed to be even more sure of it the second time.  My knees suddenly felt like it was going to give in at any moment.  My arms suddenly felt the cold air hitting my skin, the warmth was gone.  My body suddenly ached for Jiyong.  I slowly turned around but kept my eyes planted on the ground before me.  I saw Jiyong bent over facing the earth, while he rested his hands on his knees, trying to still catch his breath.  Jiyong noticed my feet were now facing towards him, and decided to look up to meet my gaze.  He was wearing a small smile on his lips.  My knees buckled.

“I love you,” he said once more.

It was like music to my ears.  The more he said it the more I wanted to hear it.  It was the sweetest symphony to my eardrums, playing a secret melody that only I could hear.  Jiyong slowly began towards me with his hands outstretched.  I was still frozen in my spot, only blinking when I realized that it had been a while since last.  I didn’t know if I was breathing through my mouth or my nose, the only thing I was focusing on was Jiyong slowly approaching me.

“You love me?” I asked to make sure I was still in fact hearing right.

“I love you,” he said proudly as he linked our fingers together.  He brought my hand towards his face and he pressed a small kiss on my ring finger, where our couple ring currently was placed.  “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

If there was ever a medical symptom from dying from a heart being too full, well I think I would have been diagnosed at that very moment.

“But I---”

Jiyong hushed me with a kiss.  Our lips moved in sync as we began our assault on each other.  My hands automatically intertwined with his hair while his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer towards him.  His hand supported the back of my head, while he deepened our kiss with a new angle.  We slowed down our kiss when I realized that we were in a public place, and Jiyong scarf was currently not on his face.  This moment was just too precious to be risked for a scandal.  I kissed Jiyong once more before covering his face with his favorite scarf.  I could still see the smile in his eyes even though half of his face was now covered.

“I love you,” he mumbled through the material.

“So I’ve heard,” I joked back.

“I love everything about you,” Jiyong whispered.  “I love your face, your body, your smile, your laugh, your cooking, your family, your kisses, your hugs, your everything.”

“Jiyong---”

“I love how no matter how busy you are, you still find time to make sure I am eating and doing alright.  I love how even though we are apart, you still make sure to remind me that you still care about me.  I love how you take care of everyone in my life even when I can’t do the same.  I love how your parents love you so much that even your father would call someone like me to tell me that he trusts me with his precious daughter,” Jiyong said quietly to me.

Tears were running down my face while I listened carefully to every beautiful word that left his lips.  My heart was about to burst again because of Jiyong.

Jiyong smiled at me and continued, “I love how driven and motivated you are and how you encourage me to do greater things.  I love that you’re my biggest supporter in everything I do.  I love how I can count on your for anything and I know you will pull through. I love how no matter how hard or difficult my day can be going, I just think of you and everything seems to be okay. I love how every time I look at you I can see the face of the mother of my future children.  I just…love you,” Jiyong finished before moving his scarf away from his face.  “I’m sorry for embarrassing you earlier.  I want to marry you someday.  Someday, just not now.  And I’m glad you feel the same way.  But…”

But?

Jiyong reached forward and wiped my tears away with the back of his hand.  He leaned forward and kissed my forehead before resting his chin on the top of my hair.  I felt him inhale my scent, something he always did when he needed comforting.  My arms wrapped around his small frame and I heard Jiyong sigh.

“I’m selfish,” Jiyong whispered.  “I’m so incredibly selfish for saying all this to you now.  I should have said it sooner but I just didn’t know how.  I’ve known I’ve loved you ever since you left Korea.  I should have said it then…not now.”

I buried my face into Jiyong’s chest while I felt him lay another kiss in my hair.  Something didn’t feel right.  Jiyong had just confessed his love for me and continued with the most touching speech I have ever heard anyone say to another person.  But now he seemed like he was hesitant to tell me something else.  My hands gripped his shirt tightly, waiting for him to continue.

“I’m so ing selfish,” he said once more.

“Jiyong?” I leaned back to look at him.  His face look upset and a small frown was on his face.  I squinted my eyes to get a better look at him.  “What’s wrong?”

The silence was deafening.  I sensed something was off with Jiyong, but I was assuming ti was because he was nervous about saying he loved me.  But just the way he was biting his lower lip, playing with our couple finger anxiously, and holding me so tight to himself, I knew that there was something else he was bottling inside of himself.

“When I went into the office today,” Jiyong said with a sigh.  “President Yang told me some news.”

“News?”

Jiyong nodded and began playing with my fingers.  The one thing he constantly did when he was anxious about something.  My slightly watering eyes watched as he ran his bony fingers over my knuckles and began to intertwine our fingers.  He lowered his vision and focused on our ring on my finger.  The ring he gave me when we officially became ‘us’.

“I love you so much but this is such awful timing,” Jiyong said.  “I feel so selfish for---”

“Jiyong?” I asked getting more and more worried.  “Whats going on?”

Jiyong paused.  His eyes met mine and his orbs briefly misted over before he looked back down at our hands.  My heart was about to burst from my chest any moment.  His suspenseful news was aching me physically and mentally.  What could he possibly have to tell me after such amazing news?

“My solo world tour just got confirmed today,” Jiyong said looking up at me.

The world stopped for a moment.

“They want me to start touring next month.”

I wasn’t expecting that.  I wasn’t expecting any of this.  Jiyong’s declaration of love for me and then his announcement of his departure from me.  So this is what he meant by bad timing.  If a heart could literally break into pieces, I definitely knew what that felt like in this moment.  There was a forced breath caught in my throat for God knows how long.  I didn’t know how long I had been staring at the crying man before me, but I soon realized how much my silence was probably hurting Jiyong.

“That’s amazing!”

Liar.

“Congratulations!

Don’t leave me.

"Why are you so worried about that?  You should be so happy.”

You should be happy with me.

Jiyong sighed and pulled me closer to him, “It’s a year long tour.”

I didn’t realize the audible gasp that escaped my lips.  I knew tours took time away from loved ones, but I didn’t realize the length of time we would have to be spent apart.  A year away from Jiyong, a year away from his kisses and warm embraces, a year away from him meant a year without my other half.

“Its a year away from you,” Jiyong whispered into my hair.

“Oh.”

Out of all the words I could have said to give Jiyong more of a reassuring answer, I chose “Oh”.  I felt horrible for not being more supportive.  But I felt completely selfish at the moment.  Not only was horrible timing and distance separating me from Jiyong but I was also scared of the time in between that we would encounter.  Would we get sick of each other because we were separated for too long?  Would we begin to lose our trust in each other and start fighting more?  .  All those lingering questions began to swarm my brain before I even had the chance to let out the breath I had been holding in for the longest time.

“I don’t want you to wait for me.”

My knees buckled.

“W-What?”

Jiyong pulled back and pushed some of my fallen hair behind my ear, “A year is a long time, _____.  I love you too much to ask you to wait for me to finish the tour.”

The heartbreak I was feeling inside was soon replaced with anger.  I pulled away from Jiyong’s embrace even more and suddenly felt the coldness between us when we were apart.  Would it feel like this after he leaves?  Cold?

“And you don’t think I’ve waited long enough for us to happen?  What does one more year make?  Do I even get any say in this!?” I didn’t mean to yell at him but I felt like I had no say in the matter.  I felt like I was losing this battle.

“I know how lonely it’s going to get,” Jiyong spoke softly while trying to reach for my hand.  I successfully dodged his hand meeting with a sigh escaping his lips.  “Some nights are going to be harder than others; I can’t put you through that for an entire year.  I just can’t.”

“So what you’re breaking up with me?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then what Jiyong?  What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

After hearing those 3 words escape Jiyong’s mouth, I began pacing back and forth.  Images of our future together slowly began to dissipate in my mind.  This was the man that I was planning a future with together; this was the man that just only moments ago professed his love for me.  I knew what Jiyong and I had wasn’t the most ideal relationship, but it was perfect for me.  We knew going into this that we were two different people with two very different lives.  We knew how hard it was going to be to mesh two worlds into one normal functioning one.  But this…this was not what I was expecting.  My feet slowly began to ache from the cold when I realized Jiyong had just been staring at me the entire time.  I knew he was just as scared as I was.  We both knew a life without the other was something we both could not handle.  It didn’t matter how much money I made on a project or how much respect I was given in my field, none of it would matter if I didn’t have Jiyong to share my success with.  And it didn’t matter to Jiyong how many fans he would have all over the world and how much money he would make off his music, I knew just as much as him that without us…nothing would matter.

“Did you stop loving me when I was away in the States?”

Jiyong paused before answering me.  “No.”

“Did you stop loving me even when we had to become friends again before we got together?”

Jiyong answered quickly this time, “No.”

“Then what difference does this tour make?  We’ve loved each other even when we weren’t together.  Who says we can’t do it again?” My voice came out trembling as I asked Jiyong this question.  I was ultimately scared for this answer.

“But this is different, ______,” he said with a sigh.

“Love doesn’t acknowledge time differences or miles apart.  If we love each other, we can still continue to love each other even though we aren’t physically together.”

The single tear escaping Jiyong’s eyes didn’t go unnoticed by me.   He slowly inched towards me and the gap between our cold bodies disappeared; the warmth returned.  His hand slowly made its way towards my cheek and I leaned into his comforting touch.  I heard my name escape his lips a couple times in a whisper, like he was struggling to decide on what to do next.  Impulsively, I pulled him closer to me and I buried my face into his chest.  I hadn’t have known I was crying until Jiyong started cooing soft words of comfort into my hair.  I now heard my muffled sobs while he my hair.  Inside, I was screaming at him to accept my offer and stay with me through this.  Jiyong let out a shaky breath.

“A whole year…”

“A whole year.”

“Do you think we can do this?” Jiyong breathed into my hair.

“Yes.  Do you?”

I felt his lips make contact with my forehead.  “Yes.  I want this more than anything.”

I let out a relieved sigh and I heard Jiyong chuckle into my skin.  He rested his head in the crook of my neck, his favorite territory of my body, and I felt him lay a small kiss there.  My mouth broke out into a smile as I felt him trail his kisses up towards the corner of my mouth.

“Then we can do it.  Its one-year out of our whole lives together.  Lets think about it like that,” I said before he finally met his lips with mine.  Our mouths danced around one another like we had been practicing for ages.  Jiyong’s kisses were nothing but passionate every time his lips met mine.  I felt his hand caress my neck lovingly while he deepened the already deep kiss.  When air was a necessity, we broke apart with our foreheads still connected.

“I love you.”

A small smile graced my lips before I replied, “I love you too.”

“Ahh finally you say it.  I was beginning to think you weren’t ever going to say it back,” Jiyong playfully said back.  I rolled my eyes and shoved him in the chest, causing him to stumble back a bit.  His infectious chuckled rang in my ear while I felt him bring me to his chest again.

“Shut up,” I said while he playfully bit my finger that was currently pointing at him.

“I’m marrying you the minute the tour is done,” Jiyong confidently said.  My eyes widened and I felt my cheeks instantly heat up from his sudden announcement.  Where the did that come from? 

“Omg now you can shut up,” I said while laughing nervously to myself a bit.

“We’re going to get married and have a huge wedding with all our friends and family around us,” Jiyong said with a huge smile on his face.  He grabbed both of my hands and kissed them before whispering more promises to me in the cold night.  “You’re going to wear the biggest dress we can find and I’m going to buy you the nicest ring.”

“I’m going to kill you.”

Jiyong laughed loudly and quickly kissed my lips before I could throw any more threats his way.  “Then we’re going to have beautiful babies together and grow old with Gaho by our side.”

My heart began beating so loud I swear Jiyong could hear it.  Was he being serious right now?  Jiyong was throwing such bold promises towards me and I didn’t know whether he was joking around or fully intending on fulfilling these promises.  Jiyong noticed my silence and dipped his head to meet my eye level.  His brown orbs pierced into mine and I could feel the sincerity radiating off his small smile and honest eyes.

“This is going to happen.  I won’t go back on my word,” he whispered.

“Jiyong…” I whispered.

“I’m marrying you the minute the tour ends.  That is if…you’ll let me,” he said with a small smile on his face.  He took my left hand and kissed our couple ring.  His kiss lingered on my hand for a moment more before he raised his eyes to meet mine.

“I’ll consider it.”

“Ouch,” he said with a chuckle.

“One year…”

“One year…”

“One year out of many right?”

Jiyong smiled and leaned down to connect our lips once more, “Right.”

A.N
 

This was so long overdue for an update!  So sorry for making you all wait for so long!  Finals are over and now I am on winter break so hopefully I can finish this story and then start working again on "Always There".  Hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday!  Thanks again for bearing with me and my extremely slow updates!  MIANHE.  Love you all and can't wait to read your comments on this chapter.  Have a great day and happy reading! :)