Chapter 14

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t cry.

I could yell, scream, hit him all I wanted.  But crying, I wouldn’t do.  I didn’t want him to know that I was heartbroken.  I wanted him to know that I was mad, violated, betrayed, and that I was not going to accept any excuse or apology that he threw at me.  Everything in my apartment was boxed up and sitting by the door.  It had only taken me a couple hours to get everything together.  Even though I spent months in Korea, and months to get situated; it only took me a couple hours to pack my past away in three cardboard boxes.  My empty apartment didn’t feel any different from when I had first arrived.  It was cold when I first opened the doors.  Everything felt cold.  The floors, the doors, the rooms, everything.  Everything felt cold because I was ultimately alone.  Though, after throwing all the memories Jiyong and I had in my apartment to the back of my mind and in the dumpster outside, I realized I was back where I started.  Alone and cold.

The sheets we had laid on that morning were ripped apart and thrown away.  The little gifts and trinkets he bought for me randomly were never seen again.  Anything that remotely reminded me of the bastard made its way into the trash.  I remembered staring at the flowers in a glass vase on the island counter.  The same flowers he gave me the morning he picked me up from the airport.  I remembered staring at it and taking each rose out of the vase and individually pulling out each petal.  The petals fell to the floor slowly and soon enough I was surrounded by a pool of red rose petals.  My eyes were still blurry from the never-ending tears that when I looked down I thought it was my own blood at first.  I had been biting my lip too hard that day and it kept bleeding.  But as I bent down to feel the soft touch under my fingertips, my hand instantly withdrew.  I grabbed the rubbish off the floor and quickly disposed of the memory.  My hands acted as quick as they could as I threw more and more petals into the garbage disposal.  I ran the disposal and listened to the noise of metal hitting metal.  My body made contact with the island counter and I slumped down to the floor while my cries drowned out the piercing metal noise.

I remember the sun setting and watching it slowly disappear over the horizon.  I didn’t now how long I stayed in that position, but I was there long enough to see the setting sun change into the night sky.  Something vibrating near me was what made me move from my spot on the sheet-free bed.  My joints cracked as I reached over to look at my cell phone.  I didn’t want to look at it.  I knew what would be waiting for me.  Something from him.  But I was twisted already, inside my body and in my mind.  As much as I hated Jiyong and wanted him out of my life, there was a small part of me that bared the pain because I cared so much for him.

He lied to you, ______.  He never liked you. 

My shaking fingers unlocked the screen and the brightness momentarily blinded me.  My eyes squinted as I read the three words on the screen.

I miss you.

Those three words are what brought me here.  My knuckles were turning white as I continued to speed through rush-hour traffic.  I had nearly gotten into three car accidents already, but my mind was elsewhere.  I began going over what to say to him when I saw him.  Would I hit him?  Would I just yell and scream and then leave?  Should I even tell him why I am upset?  All these questions were running through my mind as I drove faster towards his apartment.  I began concocting different scenarios in my mind as I got closer to the destination.  One had me barging into his apartment where I would yell and scream at him while he stood there helplessly.  I would tell him how despicable of a person he is and how I never wanted to see him again.  He’d cry and beg for my forgiveness and then kiss me passionately begging me not to leave Korea.

I quickly shook my head and cursed under my breath for thinking like that.

Like that’s going to happen.

Another scenario had me knocking on his door calmly.  He smiles at me while I silently walk in.  I end up just telling him that I’m leaving Korea for good, and then I just leave without a word.

“Stop thinking like that,” I shouted to myself as I hit myself in the forehead.  “Get your together!”

Jiyong didn’t deserve an explanation for why I was going to leave so suddenly.  But I wanted him to know what he did, I wanted him to know how much of a cruel person he was to make me want to leave the entire country so I didn’t have to see his ing face again.  I wanted him to feel just as bad as I felt at that very moment.

After I had collapsed on my office floor after my meeting with the President, I laid there and went over every minuscule detail that involved Jiyong and I.  I retraced the way his body reacted to my words, the way he bit down on his lip whenever he was with me and only me, the way he always double checked to see if I was looking at him rather then somewhere else.  My mind replayed every single detail that was nothing of significance to me before, but as my mind replayed the memories, everything Jiyong did felt like a premeditated thought.  I didn’t know what was real anymore.  I began questioning everything and everyone I had met in Korea.  I felt stripped of my confidence and the only thing Jiyong left me with was nothing but a destroyed barrier of self worth.  I didn’t know who Jiyong was anymore, but then again I realized I was just as guilty.  I had disobeyed my own personal rules and went against all things professional.  I befriended Jiyong when I knew that I had limited time in Korea while on assignment.  I became the person I never wanted to be.  And it was no one else’s fault but my own.  This new insight had me mentally cursing myself.

Why of all people did it have to be him?  Why did he have to be the one to do this to me?  To make me feel this why?  God damn it, why?!

Every time I accidentally slipped and thought back to the way we shared such an intimate moment in my bedroom, I cried to myself.  I felt so stupid, so embarrassed, so naïve.  The way I trembled underneath his touch and the way I sighed when he kissed my body made me disgusted.  He was the first man in a long time that I actually gave full permission to my feelings.  And this what I got out of such a bold and unlikely move.

I pulled up to the familiar drive way.  The same security guard that always lets me pass through smiled at me and gave me a small wave.

“Here to see Mr. Kwon?”

A small blow was felt to my stomach as he said his name.  I suppressed the tears that wanted to escape my eyes while I nodded my head at him.  He smiles again and points to the usual parking spot under the building.  I park my car and my face makes contact with the steering wheel.  You have to do this, you have to.  I had debated the entire time driving here if I should even tell him I was going to leaving.  But I knew that facing him now and telling him the truth would be easier than avoiding him and have him look for his own answers.  Jiyong was persistent when it came to me.  If he wanted to know something about me, he would find out.  If not through my own mouth, he’d ask anyone and everyone.  Jiyong was ruthless.  If he wanted something, he could get it.  I used to admire that quality in Jiyong, but now I was disgusted towards it.

For some reason when I thought of the end of our friendship, I began remembering the beginning.  I remember the first time I laid eyes on him after the elevator doors opened.  Seungri’s bright smile caught my attention first, but Jiyong’s small surprised eyes garnered my interest.  He refused to meet my eyes after that.  I remember looking at him and thinking that he was extremely shy compared to his friends.  The way he played with his rings and bit down on his lip made me wonder how someone so good looking could appear so timid.  I shook my head at the memory and scoffed.  He was probably acting like that because he was scared of me.  He had known from the very beginning who I was and he had it planned all along to win your trust.

I don’t know how it happened but my feet, without my permission, began leading me towards the basement elevator.  I walked inside the elevator and waited till it took me up to the top floor.  It stopped a handful of times to pick up random passengers along for the ride up.  Though, one couple caught my eye.  There was an old man and an old woman walking inside the elevator and ended up standing right next to me.  Their arms were linked together and the wife looked so incredibly happy.  The man grabbed his wife’s hand and laid a small kiss on her wrist.  She blushed and swatted him away before getting off the elevator with her husband.  I don’t know why I was so affected by these unknown people but my heart began to burst.  My skin suddenly caught on fire again and my stomach began twisting into painful knots.  The elevator suddenly felt like a small cell keeping me enclosed with all my painful emotions and thoughts.  But just then, the relief of hearing a small bell released me from my tortured space.

32 B

I don’t know how long I stared at his front door.  But I knew I was there for a while because my legs began to buckle beneath my own weight.  I let out a small breath and reminded myself of the one promise that I was going to keep.  No matter how much my heart wanted to crumble, no matter how extreme the pain in my stomach was, and no matter how badly I wanted to get away from all this…I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry.

I took a deep breath and rang his doorbell.  I could hear Gaho barking from the other end of the door and I forced myself not to smile at the friendly bark.  I was here to make him realize all the pain he caused, I was here to put him in his place, I was here to leave him.  I heard the doorknob slowly turn and I was met with a familiar smile.

Though the minute he opened his door and smiled at me with his bright eyes, I suddenly felt like dying.

“What are you doing here?” Jiyong asked me as his smile began to grow wider.  He leaned over his door and pushed Gaho back with his foot.  “Stop Gaho, its just ______.”

Jiyong opened the door for me and I walked in before him.  His apartment smelt different than usual and it was very dim.  I could barely make out his face in the darkness, but I silently cursed myself for already engraving it into my memory.  Jiyong made his way towards me and he bit down on his lower lip.  The way he did that made my insides scream.  I used to love when he did that but now I wanted nothing more but to make his lips bleed.

“I was just going to call you,” Jiyong said softly.

He made his way towards my wrist but I drew back instantly.  Jiyong shot me a confused look and slowly dropped his hand.

“Don’t touch me.”

I refused to look him in the eye.  I didn’t want to see his true emotions that rested in his eyes.  I wanted nothing more than to just leave his apartment right now.  Jiyong’s presence was suffocating me and my mind began to get cloudy from all these emotions.  I had a speech prepared, I knew what gestures to make when I said a certain line, and I knew how loud I was going to scream it.  But the moment Jiyong opened the door, everything I prepared fell through.  I was going to have to do this just based on my emotions presently.  I reminded myself once more not to cry.  Do anything but cry.

“_______?”

I laughed cynically as he said my name with such false worry.

“I ing hate you.”

Jiyong’s limited knowledge of the English language was evident.  Though he knew just by the way I said that sentence under my breath along with a curse word, that I was not the same person as this morning.

“What did you say?”

I caved and met Jiyong’s stare.  My eyes slanted into small slits as I spoke my next sentence to him.

“I said I ing hate you.”

Jiyong had a small frown on his face.  He stepped back slowly and took in the features that were written all over my face.  He didn’t seem to quite understand what was going on.  And during these painfully silent moments between you two, I took the time to take in my surroundings.  The sweet smell that was invading Jiyong’s home was coming from candles.  Candles that were strategically placed all around his living room.  Some were on the floor, some were on different surfaces, and some where near the closed windows.  The dimly lit room suddenly felt warmer with my realization.  On top of Jiyong’s dining table there was a vast arrangement of foods laid out neatly.  I noticed a couple of things that were considered my favorite meals in Korea, but that wasn’t what caught my attention the most.  My eyes flickered downward to Jiyong’s hands.  Instead of the many rings that his fingers were usually decorated with, there were only two now present.  They were both identical and he wore them stacked on his ring finger.  I noticed there was something engraved on the band but the ring was too out of my line of vision for me to make it out.  The silence had gotten uncomfortable by now.  My eyes met his and I let out a growl under my breath.

“Don’t you think you’re taking this a little too far?”

Jiyong snapped his head in my direction.  I shook my head and scoffed at him.

“Don’t you think this sick little game of yours has gone too far already?  You’re so disgusting, I swear to God.”

“What are you talking about?” Jiyong asked me as his voice clearly got louder.  Gaho whimpered from the corner of the room as he heard his owner raise his voice.  My eyes momentarily left Jiyong to look at the crouching dog.  “What’s going on, ______?”

It’s now or never.

“Jiyong, don’t lie to me,” I said as calmly as possible.  “Why did you want to become friends with me?”

My voice came out like a whisper, though my words were packed with venom as they were heard by Jiyong.  He sensed my anger and started walking towards me again.  My feet retreated towards the door with each step he took.  He finally understood that he wasn’t going to get near me the entire night, so he stood still in his position.

“What?”

“Just answer me, Jiyong.”

“I don’t know what---”

My eyes began to feel misty.  I shook my head and replayed the very first night we hung out together under that food tent.  The way Jiyong drunkenly leaned on me for support was the first encounter of skinship you two shared.  I remembered the way he smelt, like alcohol and cologne.  A much different scent to his cigarette and cologne smell that I became accustomed to after all these months with him.  That whole night remained a mystery to me up until today.  Every now and then I would think back on the words Jiyong drunkenly said to me.  Now I knew that drunken words do speak a sober mind.

“Do you know that night we met, you said something to me.  Looking back on it I didn’t think anything of it, but now it all makes sense to me.”

Jiyong looked at me worried of what I was going to say next.  His eyes always gave what he was feeling away.  Every time he spoke to me about Gaho I could see how bright his eyes were, they were lit with such love and happiness.  When we fought that one night after getting jealous of his new video, I remembered that his eyes were dark and small.  They stared at me with such confusion and concentration when he yelled at me.  Jiyong’s eyes always gave away his feelings.  I glanced up at his eyes and saw something I had never seen grace his face before.  Jiyong looked scared.

“You said I didn’t say anything that---”

“You said that I didn’t like you and when I told you that I didn’t even know you, you said ‘exactly’.  You lied to me Jiyong, you only wanted to be my friend because you wanted me to help you debut in the States.  Is that not right?!”

Jiyong was speechless.  I was breathing heavily as you finished my attack on him.  Jiyong didn’t blink, didn’t breath, didn’t move.  He was frozen in his spot, completely unsure of how to respond to me.  I sneered at his expression-less face and shook my head at the ground.  He grunted.  I looked up to see himself grabbing his own hair and closing his eyes tightly shut.  Jiyong looked up at me and I swear I saw his eyes become glassy.

“No!  That’s not how it was!” Jiyong yelled at me in defense.  Gaho began barking at Jiyong as he tried to approach me.  Though my feet retreated.  Gaho’s barks suddenly halted when he saw me only inches away from the door.  Jiyong paused as well and bit his lower lip in frustration.

“I mean at the beginning I was thinking about it, but---” Jiyong stopped and stared at me.  He ran a hand through his hair.  “Look, ______, you have to understand, I never meant to---”

“What?  You never meant to lie to me?  I don’t even know who you are anymore!  I trusted you and I thought we were friends!”

“We are friends!”

Friends.  It was such a weird word to describe us after everything that had happened between as of yesterday and now.  If I had asked myself this morning, I would have considered Jiyong my best friend male friend, my support system, my first real romantic interest.  But now as I looked at Jiyong’s sad eyes you realized that friends would be a word that could never describe us again.

“No we aren’t,” I said sternly.  “Real friends don’t try to use the other person for something they want.”

What I had said hit home with Jiyong.  His eyes made contact with the ground and he began to play with the two rings on his finger.  My eyes were threatening to betray me as I turned my head away from Jiyong.  I wouldn’t cave this time.  I wouldn’t cry in front of him.  My lips began to shake as I suppressed the cries that wanted to escape my throat.  My mouth suddenly felt dry and my knees started trembling.  Not right now.  My skin suddenly became inflamed as I looked at the tears escaping Jiyong’s eyes.  God, please not right now.  I bit down on my lower lip hoping blood would escape rather than the tears from my eyes.  I mentally scolded myself as you looked up towards the dark ceiling.  The air from his apartment dried out my threatening tears.  I closed my eyelids and furrowed my eyebrows.  My body had finally calmed itself down.  I opened my eyes and saw Jiyong staring at the rings on his fingers while small drops of tears fell on his hands.

“That’s why you wanted me to come to your music video sets so badly, right?  To help you?”

Jiyong didn’t respond.  He sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.  He shook his head violently at me and began shaking his head back and forth.  It looked like he was mentally arguing with myself.  He began pacing around the room and pulling at his blonde hair.  Every now and then he would let out a loud cry towards the ceiling.  I stood motionless in front of him and watched this all happen before me.  I wasn’t done with him yet.  There was so much more I had to say to him, but my mouth refused to open.  My eyes just watched Jiyong.  Watched him pace around the room mindlessly and curse to himself under his breath.  He’d wipe a few tears away every now and then, but after he’d go back to screaming at himself.

“This is ridiculous.  I’m leaving.”

I turned my back on Jiyong and headed for the door.  Gaho started barking immediately after he noticed where I was headed.  I looked at the loving dog and I felt my heart pound against my chest.

My hand reached for the doorknob but Jiyong was too quick for me.  His hand grabbed onto mine and forced me to turn my body towards him.  I could see him clearly now through the darkness.  My eyes saw the tearstains that covered his cheeks, the left over bites in his lower lip, and his disheveled hair that was standing in all different directions.  His eyes pleaded for me to stay to listen to him.  I could see his lips start to quiver the same way mine were moments ago.  I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore so I turned away from him. I removed my hand from his and glanced again at the two rings on his finger.  Jiyong noticed where I was staring and began to play with them again.

“You have to believe me, everything I told you wasn’t me pretending,” he said in a desperate tone.  “Everything I told you was all me, I never pretended to be anyone else.  I was me the entire time, _______!”

“You tried to use me,” I said shakily.  Even as the words escaped my own mouth I still couldn’t believe them.  I shook my head and moved away from Jiyong.  He watched my retreating figure with cautious eyes.  The smell of the candles and the dark room were over stimulating my senses and I began to panic.  The only thing I felt right now was confusion.  I began to scream at no one in particular and I noticed from my peripheral vision that Jiyong was stepping back a bit.  I ran a hand over my face and shot him a look.

“You knew who I was before I knew who you were and you tried to use that as your advantage.  I just---”

Jiyong looked at me and inched forward.

“________...”

I moved closer towards the door while shaking my head at him.  I had had enough.  Jiyong was only going to keep trying to make me come to him, make me listen to him.  But I wasn’t going to give in tonight.

“You know what, you would be perfect in the States.  Everyone there lies and cheats their way into success.  You want my approval, you got it.  Have a nice life, Jiyong.”

This was it.  My time to exit.  I had said all I had needed to say to Jiyong.  All I kept thinking about was getting out of his apartment as quickly as possible before he could react.  I prayed that Jiyong was still left speechless so I could make my exit as swiftly as possible.  I opened the door and rushed out of the dark apartment.  The bright lights of the hallway momentarily blinded me but I put my arm up and ran towards the elevators.  I didn’t know if I was alone or not, but I didn’t sense him behind me.  Though, that thought was instantly taken back when I heard him yell my name from down the hallway.  My feet began to move faster.

“No, ______!”  Jiyong shouted as he chased me out of his apartment.  “Please, don’t leave like this.  Just hear me out!  Please!  You mean so much to me and I can’t let you leave here like this without me explaining my side!”

I made it at the elevator and jammed my finger into the button.  Jiyong was now grabbing onto my arm and trying to make me face him.  I let him touch me and pull me towards him because I already knew how close I was to leaving him for good.

“I really have nothing else to say to you, Jiyong.”

“Well then just listen and let me talk,” Jiyong pleaded.  I stood my ground and stared at the elevator doors in front of me.  I mentally cursed at it for taking so damn long to get up to the top floor.  He took my silence as a sign to continue talking.

“I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t know who you were before we met.  Yes, I knew you were the one that said I wasn’t ready to debut.  And yes, at first I did try to become close to you so I could win your approval.  And yes, maybe I did ask for your opinion a couple times but they weren’t planned that way.”

I scoffed.

“But I didn’t expect you to become one of my closest friends.  As much as I felt bad for be-friending you for the wrong reasons, I never regretted that decision.  I realized how amazing you were in such a short period of time that I even forgot about why I wanted to meet you in the first place.  You understand me, you listen to me, you never turn your back on me.  You’re my biggest supporter.  You’re my best friend, ________.”

My eyes began to glaze over.  I had been so strong this entire night but with each word that left Jiyong’s mouth just now, I could feel my body slowly betraying my promise.  I shook my head and pressed the elevator button again violently.  I cursed under my breath.  Jiyong’s hands were still holding on tightly to my arm as he let out a small breath.  I could hear him crying as he clung onto me for dear life.

“Please,” he said softly with so much desperation in his voice.  I had never heard anyone speak in that tone to me before.  My stomach began to twist as I heard his small cry for me.  My arm began to heat up at his touch and I immediately pulled myself away from him.  Jiyong let out another cry as we lost contact.

“I’m not lying about this.  Please, you have to understand where I am coming from.  I care about you too much for you to leave me like this!  Please, don’t.”

I turned to look at him one last time.  A sigh escaped my trembling lips.  Jiyong’s head slowly made its way up.  I stared at him for a few moments before hearing the elevator door open.  Jiyong frantically looked between the door and me.  He waited for my final decision.  I looked down once more at the rings on his fingers and a small tear escaped my eyes.  I met his gaze and sighed.  Jiyong knew my decision.  He shook his head violently and began calling out my name as I entered the elevator.  He was yelling words at me but I didn’t hear any of them.  I pressed the button to close the doors but not before hearing a small thud.  It sounded like a body falling to the floor.  The doors closed and I finally let out the cry I was suppressing all night.  The tears fell freely onto my hot skin as the elevator took me down towards the basement.  Never in my life had I had to experience such pain as I did right now.  From what I felt inside, I was aching for it to leave me.  Though, when I looked at Jiyong tonight I saw how much pain he was going through as well.  That was what I wanted.  I wanted him to feel just like how I was feeling.  And I accomplished that tonight by leaving him.  The cries escaping my lips were almost inaudible to my own ears.  I was so used to hearing it from these past couple hours that I didn’t even realize I was screaming anymore.  The elevator doors opened and I collapsed to the ground.  My legs had finally given up on me.  I clutched my chest as I heaved again and again.

Jiyong and I were no longer friends.

I heaved once more.

I was leaving Korea tomorrow.

My air supply suddenly decreased with each new realization.  I never wanted this to happen.  I came into this months ago believing that I liked being alone; I liked the independence and the solitude.  Though as time went on and as tonight ended, I realized that being alone wasn’t half as bad as being lonely.  Longing for someone that betrayed you.

Yet here I was.  Being guilty of that exact thing.

A.N.

Okay not gonna lie, but I actually cried when writing this.  A lot of effort went into writing this chapter because it was the defining moment for the two main characters.  I hope you guys like it and I hope I can read some of your thoughts on it :)  Have a nice day and happy reading!