My first review for Dare to Desire! Thank you so much, SomedayTomorrow for your time and thank you Fairytale Fantasies for this review!! I really appreciate this so much!

http://www.fairy-tale-fantasies.blogspot.com/

Review: Dare to Desire

Chapters 1-26

Oh my. 

When I first saw this request, I was a little scared but quite thrilled. Firstly, Skyelin has been one of most faithful supporters, and she's been there from day one for my stories. To be able to review her work and see the progress that she's made as a writer-it's really exciting. She always puts in extremely interesting couples in her story, and adds such rich language and vocabulary that it's hard not to love her writing style. I've never had the chance to review one of my reader's stories before, and I'm also making my debut in reviewing after a month-long hiatus, but I feel incredibly honoured to have the chance to work with SkyeLin!



However, I will not be biased, and I pride myself on reviewing differently from others. I’m going to be brutally honest about your story, because a review is about improving-it’s not to tell you that your writing is impeccable, brilliant, and perfect. It’s there to show all the flaws about your work so that you can do better. It’s as simple as this- no healthy person ever went to the doctor. I believe it’s the same with reviews.



One last thing: I never take title, appearance, or comments into consideration when it comes to reviews, because I don’t believe they add or take away anything from someone’s writing. (For example, it’s not you that makes your poster; it’s someone else-the fact that you took the time to request for a poster is already great.) I will, however, comment on anywhere I think needs improvement. However, it will not affect the total review mark of your story.

Here we go! 


Forewords: 7/5 (Oh, I’m illegal in math.)



I was truly captivated by your forwards-in a couple of paragraphs, you gave a climatic rough sketch of IU and Wooyoung’s personalities, and I loved the dramatic start to the story. I remember first looking at this fanfic and thinking to myself, WHY DIDN’T I WRITE A FORWARDS LIKE THIS? I felt that you’d executed this part perfectly, and I liked how you added a cast list, copyright, and other important details at the start of the story. A forwards should always introduce your reader to your story, while making it interesting enough so that they’ll continue reading. Good job! 


Plot: 20/25


Dream High was a great drama, and I was amazed that you’d take up the challenge of writing another ending for the IU and Wooyoung couple. As everyone has seen their fate already as Pil Suk and Jason, I truly admire how you’re willing to write about them again in “real life” though their “acting life” characters have already found their happiness.

One of my favourite things about your writing is that I really enjoyed how you switched from point of views. You didn’t over-do it, and you gave us a glimpse into the feelings of both characters. I find it boring when the narrator only writes in first or second person, without entering the lives of the other characters, too. Great work!



As for plot, your plot has no twists or surprising events. It’s all somewhat predictable (although, man, the Eunjung roommate thing is pretty killer, and Kikwang is the absolute most sweetest boy in the world and IU YOU SHOULD GO FOR HIM!) but I really like how you didn’t make IU a weak character. I hate shallow characters who seem to act before they think, and I like how you made her very realistic while also giving the readers something to admire about her. One of my favourite chapters is Chapter Fifteen, in which she argues with Wooyoung. I feel that if you truly liked someone, when they were in the wrong, you’d tell them why and how to solve their problem, instead of saying that “it’s okay and you can do better next time.”



You also initiated “growth,” in your story. Growth is a very important process, and it’s really hard to write about. You need to know when you’re crossing the line-unlike Korean dramas, it take a lot for someone to do a 360 in personality. I like how you targeted the coldness of Wooyoung, and with the help of IU, made him someone that finally learned to truly enjoy what he was a best at. You did it all extremely realistically and you didn’t exaggerate anything. I think this is one of the greatest points in your writing-how real it all is.




Originality: 8/10

As for originality, I can’t really say that yours is extremely “unique” or “different,” because every idea has been used in the book. From sibling-love squares to science project partners to meeting on a vacation, every possibly storyline has been used and re-used. This is why for “originality,” I’m gave you high marks for your presentation and execution of your story. Your story also fit into the “re-used” plot category, but you used your own style and I really liked how you slowly gave time for both of them to fall for each other. It’s a fresh change for me to read about a slow & sweet development, and I’m really glad that I got to read one written by you!



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary/Writing Style: 38/50



You’re a very experienced writer, and you know your way with words. I can see all the heart and dedication you put into your writing-each detailed sentence has been meticulously thought over, until finally being strung into a chapter. There are no obvious errors when it comes to this aspect of the review, and you’re flawless when it comes to executing perfect English. You already know how to write, and you don’t need another spelling lesson.



However, though your writing is brilliant, there are some things that can be improved upon.



You’re an extremely visual writer. Your writing is based upon adjectives-you like to describe things and really get in depth with telling others how things look, what people are like, and what they do. Sometimes, your paragraphs are written perfectly, and there’s just the right balance of adjectives and words that are actually needed. However, other times, it feels like a high kick into description. Description is good, but it can also take away the main parts of the story. If you’d taken out all your adjectives and description, you’d end up having a very simple paragraph that sums up the whole chapter. You don’t want just a one-paragraph chapter, but you don’t want a whole ten paragraphs in one either. Remember, when it comes to writing, sometimes less is more.



For example, in this sentence here:



“What did she say?” I mused, receding back into a sitting position against my bed. At first, my mom’s stare was suspicious and accusing, which made my heart pound but after five seconds, she cracked. Her smile stretched from ear to ear as she nearly choked me with her warm embrace rejoicing,”



You can actually improve it by doing this:



Suggestion One: “What did she say?” I mused, receding back into a sitting position against my bed. At first, my mom’s stare was suspicious and accusing, making my heart pound, but after a couple seconds she’d cracked. Her smile stretched from ear to ear as she nearly choked me with her warm embrace.”



I know I’m being extremely picky and snotty by picking at you on these teensy, tiny things, but it’s these little things that can define you from a good writer to a great one. Remember, there’s lots of good writers out there who know their English, but what sets you apart from the bunch? Though they are small problems, by changing them and re-wording them, you can actually help the reader out a lot. When you have too many adjectives, the meaning of the sentence is rather lost, and the reader may find it difficult to keep up with or continue reading the story. To be honest, if I were to re-write that sentence, I may not even go into detail about it and may have written it like this:



Suggestion Two: “What did she say?” I mused, receding back into a sitting position against my bed. Heart pounding, my mom looked at me suspiciously, but suddenly choked me with her warm embrace, letting me know that she’d cracked.



Suggestion Three: What did she say?” I mused, receding to a sitting position against my bed while my mom stared at me suspiciously. However, she suddenly choked me with her warm embrace, letting me know that she’d cracked.



Here’s some tips to help you:



· When you’re writing based on time, you should try to use more words like “a couple,” “many,” or “a few,” instead of giving an exact number. When you say the exact number, you give a lot of detail, though you can use another word that flows with the sentence better and means pretty much the exact same thing.



· Limit your descriptions. Never use three or more adjectives or adjective phrases together, like this: “Her hair was golden, soft, and flowing beautifully as the sunlight shone warmly on her head.” It may sound correct, but imagine putting five of these sentences together into a paragraph-it can become more of a headache than an image.



· Try shortening your chapters. Break apart your chapters and think of the main point and storyline of each chapter. What do you want to get across to your reader in this chapter? What is the main idea and summary of this part of the story? Tell yourself that the smaller your chapters are, the better. Or try using bigger font to write your story with.



· Like the adjectives rule, try not to put three or more paragraphs together. Because your paragraphs tend to be long, try breaking up your paragraphs with one liners or couplets. You may not know it, but formatting-the way your story looks to the reader-can REALLY, REALLY (I cannot stress this enough) help the reader in understanding your fanfiction. It also attracts readers. If your paragraphs are too big, readers tend to skim words-so they may be missing out a big chunk of the story that ruins it for them.



· I broke this rule for Suggestion Two, but try not to use to many run-on sentences. You should really only have one or two for every chapter that you write (try to average it out and only use one for every two chapters or something like that.) Run-on sentences are good to add extra detail, but overuse can be killer.



· I’m really emphasising this because I really want to help you improve your writing, but go back to the third point and really think about it. Take out the part you want the reader to go into detail on the most. Emphasis it. Make it impressive. Contrast it to the rest of your story. Make it special, different from the other “filler” paragraphs that are there-so save all your adjectives and describing words for those moments.


Overall enjoyment: 8/10



I am not a Wooyoung and IU fan, to be honest, but nevertheless, I still enjoyed this fanfic. No matter what others say, it’s really hard to write a good story. You put your heart and soul into it, and every sentence that you’ve written has consisted of lots of thinking. I can see all the passion you put into it, and it lets me know that you really love writing. I will definitely be reading your next story after I finish Footsteps in the Snow. 

Bonus: 5/5



You are a great writer. Definitely. You know your English, and I’m really proud of that. Keep practising writing and never, ever give up. Even when you have writer’s block, know that there are people out there who are expecting another chapter, and that anytime you need help, you can ask me for advice! It’s been a pleasure to review your story, great job!

I also want to let you know that I’ve only reviewed up to Chapter 26. I’m extremely sorry, at the time of writing, I’d finished the review a long time ago, but didn’t manage to send it to my Webmissie (as I’m on vacation right now.) In case you have any questions, feel free to ask me on my AFF wall, and if you want more critique and advice, I’m always open! 

Total: 86/100

Review by SomedayTomorrow.