Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

ミ★~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~★彡

Wooyoung’s POV

            I stared at the crinkled JYP global audition poster hung on our dorm’s wall. We had just two months to practice for it, and though my stay in Canada hadn’t been too long a side of me was dying to return home.

            “Why are you just sitting there? Suzy is waiting for us in the music room!” Taecyeon asked, waving a hand in front of my face like he always did to catch my attention. Tapping on his wrist as if a watch was wrapped around it, I pulled myself up off my bed and grabbed a warm sweater hung off the side of my bunk bed. Winter was approaching in Canada and I had yet to adapt to even negative two degrees. Even the short walk from the dormitory to the main school building was a physical battle for me, and seeing Taecyeon with only a thin long sleeve white shirt on with a content smile on his face, I couldn’t be more surprised with how quickly he grew accustomed to the temperature. Either that or he was born cold blooded.

            “Took you both long enough,” Suzy reproached, hiding the box of home-made kimbap behind her bag. Taecyeon and I pulled two stools over and formed a circle beside her.

            “Have either of you thought of what you’re going to do at the audition?” Suzy asked, taking the obvious leadership role in our little trio. I doubt Suzy had ever been looked down on for being a girl; or at least, she wouldn’t have allowed anyone discriminating her to get away—unharmed.

            “I think my best bet would be dancing.” Taecyeon nodded to himself, doing odd hand gestures while seated on his stool. Suzy thought for a moment, looking up towards the ceiling and then diverting her eyes back to Taecyeon with a satisfied and smug grin.

           “I agree. Your vocals aren’t up to par yet; but I think your rapping should be showcased too.” She suggested, thinking back to the several times Taecyeon broke out in rap whenever the radio came on. His rapping in English was at a slower but still an impressive pace. He didn’t need to be the next Eminem to get accepted as a JYP trainee. Scratching his neck embarrassed he answered,

            “Oh right! Rapping…” Suzy then turned her intimidating stare to me and raised her left brow. She didn’t spare another breath repeating the question she expected me to answer. I paused.

            “You’re kidding. You’ve never thought of anything?” She flipped her hair back over her shoulders and then sighed, as if she was losing hope in me—not that her hope in me mattered too much. To be honest, I only actually spent time thinking of a song to sing this morning and after browsing Taecyeon’s SNSD infested iPod I came across an old song I used to listen to with my parents. Back when I was younger I didn’t know the true meaning of the song, I just thought it sounded calming and pleasant; like a lullaby. It wasn;t until I came across it again a decade later that I really took the time to dwell on the words.

Even though I’m young, the pain is the same.

Just because I don’t know the world very well doesn’t mean I don’t know pain.

I can’t let you go even if I die.

How am I supposed to let you go?

Whether you go or leave, fix my heart.

I wouldn’t be able to live anyway.

I can’t let you go even if I die.

            The lyrics came flooding back into my mind like a tsunami and the more I pondered these lyrics the more relevant they felt to me. This was the song I would sing for the audition. This would be the song that I would pour my emotions into and sing with utmost sincerity.

“You have an excellent voice, but it doesn’t matter how great your vocals are if you can’t convey the emotions of the song.”

The words of the judge from Seoul’s Institute of the Arts also came pushing its way to the front of my mind. Why didn’t I get accepted into that art school? I beat myself up for days just wondering what I was lacking, too ignorant to realize that everything I needed to gain had already been revealed to me. Back in high school, emotions were thought of like a game. The moods happy, sad, angry and depressed didn’t mean too much back then, and because I saw life that way I couldn’t truly allow myself to feel what happiness, sadness and anger were like.

Happiness to me was standing beside Jieun, singing with proud and delightful smiles amongst a crowd of heads swaying to the rhythm of the music we made. Sadness was being rejected for the first time, and allowing my ignorance to guide my actions, leading me to understand what anger felt like. Anger and frustration went hand in hand for me, and I dealt with it by running away like the coward I was. Now here I was in Canada, of all places, fighting for a place back home where I could feel dignity and belonging. To someone who showed me the reality of emotions, someone who left me on a lifelong yearning journey to obtain happiness, did it make sense to let her go? I couldn’t let her go. Even if I die, I can’t let her go.

“I did. I have a song.” I replied confidently, heading straight for the piano. How long has it been since I brushed my fingers over piano keys? I thought back to the piano in our high school’s musical theatre room. It’s been a long time. Pulling out the seat, I sat down immediately and played the first three notes. The piano was perfectly in tune. As I played, I could hear Taecyeon trying to guess the song I was playing, but his guesses were far from right.

                “It sounds familiar… SNSD? Maybe Super Junior?” Taecyeon continued, tapping his chin as he thought.

                “Pabo,” Suzy thumped his forehead as he rocked back and forth on his stool, almost looking like he needed to empty a full bladder, “He’s playing ‘Even if I die I Can’t Let You Go’ by 2AM.” Taecyeon’s mouth made an ‘O’ shape and he snapped his finger, remembering the song that had over three hundred plays on his iPod.

                “Yo bro, that song is deep. How are you going to express the emotions of the lyrics?” Taecyeon asked, grabbing the box of kimbap behind Suzy’s bag and plopping them into his mouth mercilessly.

                “Suzy must not have told you what our vocal evaluation score was.” I bragged with a smirk, playing the slow song at a much faster pace to get the hang of it. It’s been so long since I heard the song; I needed more practice to get it perfect on the piano before I could start singing along. Sticking out a tongue childishly at me he replied,

                “Don’t think so highly of yourself. If it weren’t for Suzy that one hundred percent would be nonexistent.” I rolled my eyes at him. It was so typical for him to be bragging for someone else, but since Suzy loved the glory of any positive recognition, she made no effort to quiet him down.

                “Oh right; Suzy did you have a song in mind?” Taecyeon remembered. She nodded immediately and shoved a sheet of paper in his face, much too close to his eyes for him to read clearly. Taecyeon grabbed the piece of paper and distanced it from his face and read,

                “A goose’s dream?” Suzy’s eyes were closed as she hummed the tune, nodding in reply to him. I stopped playing the piano to listen to her soft humming. Even though the title sounded outrageous, the melody was soothing. She began singing the chorus to the song out loud. It was an inspirational song—a song I would’ve never guessed Suzy to sing, but there were still many sides to her I have yet to discover. The three of us split to practice our respective pieces. Taecyeon was the most disturbing with his constant thumping on the floor and his repeated raps, but all noises were drowned out by the beautiful piano music. In two months; I’ll be going back to Korea. This was my short term goal that I felt obliged to meet.

Jieun’s POV

The past few weeks with the title of Kikwang’s girlfriend were nonchalant for me. He would be an idiot to not see how one-sided our relationship was, but if he were to stop hanging around me I would have absolutely no one. It was probably my own fear of being lonely that allowed me to believe that leading him on could be justified. For our first month anniversary in a few more weeks, he said that he had a surprise planned for me. I never bothered to ask about it, though a small—extremely miniscule—side of my curious mind wanted to know more. What I was thankful for was that he never pushed me past my limits, though I knew that eventually he would. How I would react then is still a mystery to me. I still don’t know whether I regret making our relationship this way, and I couldn’t say that I didn’t admire how hard he always tried to impress me. I never knew what a romantic Kikwang could be until he deliberately sent eleven roses to my dorm. Flowers were a typical gift for women but what made his so cheesy and cliché was that among those eleven were a plastic stemmed rose made with fabric petals and a note attached saying that he’d love me until the last one died. I couldn’t remember what Korean drama I saw that little gag on but though it was meant to be touching and sweet, it did little to win me over. The most the two of us ever did was hold hands in public, but even that had its limitations. I felt horrible for being such a bad girlfriend. There was so better word to describe how I was. Every time the thought of being kinder or more open to Kikwang as a girl friend came up, the voice in my head would echo the words Donghae spoke to me on the phone months ago when he told me not to let go and that happiness was working hard to find me. The last part was harder for me to decipher, and even now I probably don’t understand what he meant entirely when he said that to me but I never doubted Donghae’s words. Truthfully I did regret letting Kikwang have his way with me, but I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit it because I didn’t want to regret.

“Jieun-ah,” Kikwang smiled at me, slipping to the open seat beside me at my picnic table. I turned to him with a weak smile, which surprisingly was enough to satisfy him.

                “Do you want to know what your surprise is?” He asked, referring to the first month anniversary surprise he always brought up when given any opportunity. I shrugged and folded my arms on the surface of the table to rest my head.

                “We’re going to go on a trip!” He declared, wrapping one arm around my shoulder as he tried to make my mind visualize the exact vacation he dreamt of. I decided to entertain his thoughts and asked,

                “Where?”

                “Jeju-do,” he answered in a whisper. I felt his warm breath trickle down my neck and I shivered. Was he joking? Jeju-do was where newlyweds went for their honeymoons, not where a couple goes for a first month anniversary.

                “Kikwang, we have classes.” I reminded him, pulling out my notebook and turning to the page marked with today’s date.

                “I know I know, but it’ll be fun. My parents will pay for the whole trip, and I’ve already took days of from school.” He grinned, spinning his cell phone on the wooden table. I sighed, knowing that he’d find a way to get what he wanted anyway. My ulterior thoughts were amused by the fact that I would get to visit Jeju-do for the first time. Another important fact I seemed to always leave out was that Kikwang came from a wealthy family. I appeared as more of a freeloader with every passing day.

                “Okay, I’ll go with you.” I agreed, hiding my sigh with a deep yawn.

                “Really? That’s great!” Kikwang cheered, doing a fist pump with his right hand and then pulling me closer to him.

                “You seem tired today, Jieun. Take a nap.” He offered, patting his shoulder closest to me, wanting me to lay my head on it. It was sweet and all but if I were to nap in that position my neck would probably kill me when I woke up. Rejecting his offer in the most polite way I knew how, I shoved everything back into my messenger bag and forced myself up the stairs to get to my dorm. For me, I could sense how badly my fatigued body craved a break and I need some off time for my brain to process all the rapidly flowing thoughts in my head. Maybe that was why I was so scatterbrained lately. I needed sleep. Curling into a ball under my bed sheets, I leaned my cheeks against Woobear’s fuzzy head and drifted into my own happy dream land. 

A/N: Haha see, I'm updating so fast now :D!! Lol. Ish. ^^! Anyway, I hope you all liked this. I started at about 1am and finished at 2:30am so if this chapter seems weird it's because it;s so late and my brain stopped functioning.