After the wedding ceremony, we decided to head out, as Jiyong had suggested, for an after party. While the guys and I waited in the hall for the happy couple to prepare, Taeyang held a mini concert for us on the piano. The melody was deeply moving. My eyes followed as his fingers effortlessly glided across the keys. And the moment the piece ended, the guys cheered, throwing themselves on him.


"Hyung, I would so marry you if I were a girl!" Daesung chirped.

"Get lost." Seungri said, shoving poor little Daesung out of the way.

"Hyung, teach me! Pretty please!" Seungri whined, using his aegyo on Taeyang, who gave a look of disgust. I laughed, watching them fool around. Even as the ache in my heart lingered, I felt genuinely happy. I wasn't sure if that was possible...to be in pain, and yet be glad. But at that moment, I knew that I wouldn't have it any other way. I wasn't going to cry, or beg to turn back time. Not again. I knew none of that would really give me what I had wanted. Seunghyun's happiness.

The guys continued to hit random keys on the piano, creating unbearable noise. I was rather thankful when Seunghyun and Hwayoung arrived.

"Ya ya ya! What's going on?!" Seunghyun grumbled with a frown, holding his hands over his ears.

"HYUNG!" Daesung and Seungri exclaimed in chorus, burying Seunghyun in hugs. Hwayoung watched with amused eyes.

"Let's get going!" Jiyong yelled, dragging Seunghyun, and kids that hung tightly onto his arm.

"Let's go." Taeyang whispered with a gentle smile. We split ourselves into two groups. Hwayoung, Daesung and Seungri went with Seunghyun, while Taeyang and I went with Jiyong. The ride to the club we were heading to was awfully quiet.

"You ok?" Taeyang asked, concerned by my silence.

"Yeah, of course. I'm just tired." I smiled.

The other car must be filled with live and laughter. But I wasn't envious. Because I wasn't sure if I wanted that right now.

We arrived first, and headed inside. It was rather strange, entering a club before the sun even set. But I knew that as long as I was with these guys, they'll make it work. We seated ourselves around a huge round table in a corner. The music wasn't blaring since it was still early. But it was enough to lift our spirits. It wasn't long before the rest of them arrived. Hwayoung seemed excited as she quickly took a seat beside me, as if she had a lot to talk about. We started indulging in a conversation of our own while the guys rocked the dancefloor. I occasionally looked over, just to make sure they weren't doing anything too outrageous. Although it wasn't even 6pm yet, there was a fair amount of people on the dancefloor.

As Hwayoung went on and on about how she had lived the moment she had only imagined in her dreams, I had unknowingly finished my drink.


"I'm going to get another one. You want anything?" I asked. Hwayoung shook her head, making a face that told me she wasn't very comfortable with the whole clubbing thing.

"I'll be right back." I said, reassuring her with a pat on the shoulder.

I make my way through the crowd, towards the counter.

"Excuse me, what's that you're making?" I inquired, pointing to the pink substance in the bartender's glass bottle.

"It's called Strawberry Fields. Would you like to try some?" he suggested with a soft smile.

I pondered for a moment, unsure if it was alright for me to recklessly try such alcoholic cocktails. But then again, it looked so much like strawberry milk, so I assumed it wouldn't do much harm. So I nodded. And the handsome bartender gave me a smile.


"Give me a second." he said as he prepared my cocktail. As he did so, I attentively watched. Perhaps it was because I was in a new environment, that I was getting paranoid. Afraid he might try to spike my drink, I watched his every move and constantly asked questions.

"What's that?"

He gave me a look and chuckled, as if knowing my intentions.


"It's Bailey's Irish cream. You can't do without this." he explained. I nodded, not taking my eyes off the shaker in his hands.

It wasn't long before he was done. He put the clear glass before me, watching as I analyzed it closely.

"If you're so afraid of being taken advantage of, then why are you at a club? Shouldn't you be in the library, kid?" he said with a smirk. I looked up from my glass, giving him a glare.

"Mind your own business!" I yelled. I took a gulp of my drink and immediately, my anger vanished. It was sweet, creamy and I couldn't find a trace of alcohol in it.

"It's yummy." I muttered, finishing the drink in another big gulp.

"Hey, I don't think it's a good idea for you to-"

"I'd like another glass please." I interrupted before the bartender could finish his sentence.

"We have non alcoholic drinks too. You can have coke it you want." he pointed out, trying to convince me into giving up my new found love.

"Aish, just do your job! I want that strawberry drink!!" I whined. And so he had no choice but to comply. And so glass after glass I indulged. And before i knew it, I out.


"Haerin...Haerin! Noona!"


I could hear voices around me, and a warm pair of hands cupping my face. I thought it was a dream, until I woke up on the couch of our house, with Taeyang's back facing me as he sat on the ground and watched TV.

I groaned at the pounding in my head as I sat up. Taeyang immediately turned to me upon realizing I was awake.

"Ya, you're finally awake?!" he asked in a reprimanding tone.

"What time is it?"

"It's 3am." he said, annoyed. My eyes widened.

"What happened?! Where are the rest of them?!" I blabbered, ignoring the pounding in my head.


"As I said, it's already 3am. Top and Hwayoung noona went home. The rest of the guys are sleeping. They were kinda drunk." he stated, "Not as drunk as you, though. What the hell were you thinking, drinking that much?!"

I flinched at his tone. Taeyang, though often acting as the responsible oppa, never once reprimanded me. And though he wasn't really raising his voice, I didn't like the feeling of having him mad at me because of something I did wrong.

"Mianhae‚ it was really yummy, and I couldn't help it." I pouted.

"So you went on and had 7 glasses?!"

I flinched again, looking at him with my puppy eyes. He sighed in exasperation.

"Don't do it again, alright?"

I quickly nodded, promising never to make such a mistake again.


"But Taeyang oppa, what are you doing still up?" I questioned.

"You can't remember a thing, can you?" he asked. And immediately, my heart started racing.

"No. Did anything happen?" I stuttered. Suddenly, the ambience turned somber.

"You were crying, Haerin. You refused to sleep in your room. We had no choice but to leave you on the couch. But you refused to let go of my jacket." he explained, frowning slightly. My eyes were widened in shock as I tried my hardest to recall these scenes.


"Did I...perhaps...say anything weird?"

"No. You just kept asking for more of that strawberry drink."

I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Ok then. You should go to bed now, oppa. Goodnight!" i rambled, quickly making my way up the stairs and into my room.


I had trouble sleeping that night. Perhaps it was the sudden realization that it was finally over. Everything had ended. There wasn't going to be anymore sneaky eye contact, no more cheesy lines, no more of that comfortable silence that only the two of us understood, no more overprotectiveness, no more of that arrogant smirk, no more random texts, no more morning call, no more of that sweet endearment.

Eventually, I fell asleep.


The next morning, when I opened my eyes to daylight, I didn't get out from bed. I lay there, waiting for something to happen. Some sounds of fumbling, the sound of footsteps approaching my door and then some music. But there was none of that. I sighed, dragging my feet as I stood up and headed for the bathroom.


"Good morning, noona." Daesung greeted as he passed the corridor and headed downstairs. But a few seconds later, he appeared by the bathroom door again.

"Noona, I forgot to ask you... There's this graduation ceremony in my school the day after tomorrow. I'm collecting my results on stage that day. Are you free to attend it?"

I rinsed my mouth, spitting out the foam from the toothpaste before looking up at Daesung's reflection through the mirror.

"Of course! I'll definitely make time for it. Are the rest of the guys going?"

"Neh!" Daesung exclaimed gladly, "Komawo, noona!"

And with that, he skipped down the stairs once more. I couldn't help but laugh.


-


"Rin, will you write to me when you get to America?" Seunghyun asked as we sat in my room, watching some movie.

"No, Seunghyun. It's better we don't." I replied coldly. Seunghyun's face fell, hurt by my attitude.

"Oh, ok." he muttered.

"We shouldn't, Seunghyun. We see each other everyday. I won't be able to stand talking to you through letters. It'll only make it harder for the both of us." I explained. Seunghyun nodded, accepting my decision.

"Mianhae."

"It's ok. You'll come back eventually. We can talk all we want then." he said, as if comforting me. But I knew he needed the comfort more than I did.

"Yeah‚ I'll come back really soon."


But I didn't.


-

'Haerin, are you free today? Can I come over?'

I stared at my cellphone for a moment longer. There was not a single smiley in Hwayoung's text and she wasn't excited like she usually was. I had a bad feeling about this.

The kids were back at school after the weekend. Jiyong and Taeyang had some gig at the club down town. There wouldn't be any problem with Hwayoung coming over...but I wasn't sure if I was ready to face her after getting drunk right after her wedding. But then again, after getting drunk and leaving her alone at the table last night, the least I could do was give her an apology and spend the rest of the day with her while Seunghyun had class.

'Yeah, ok!' I replied. And almost immediately, the doorbell rang. I snapped my head back in shock. I got up and headed towards the door, looking at the monitor. And indeed, it was Hwayoung. I quickly opened the door.

"Hwayoung unnie..."

She gave me a smile, though not as bright as usual.

"Haerin. Sorry for intruding..." she mumbled as I held her wrist and brought her in. I shook my head.

"It's ok, unnie. I was getting lonely anyway." I reassured.

Hwayoung was like a child. Her every expression gave away her emotions so easily.

"What's wrong, unnie?" I asked, "Are you upset about last night? I'm so sorry I-"

She shook her head, smiling softly.

"It's about last night, but it's not about you."

I tilted my head, wondering what it could have been. After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke.

"Yesterday night, Top got drunk too." she explained, "When we got back to our new apartment, he broke down in tears."

My heart sank upon hearing that.

"W-why?" I stuttered.

"I don't know..." The look in her eyes showed so much sadness, I couldn't stand looking into them for a moment longer. But I wondered if she could have been as confused as I was. After all, she was the one who had his heart secured from the beginning. I was nothing but a piece of the past Seunghyun's moment of greed led him to crave for.

"He was drunk, unnie. I'm sure it's nothing."

"What if he regrets marrying me? Maybe after a few drinks, he realizes that this isn't what he wants." she sighed, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

"Don't be silly. He loves you. If you keep doubting him, you're going to hurt him, unnie." I said, a little too agitated. She nodded, wiping the tears off her face.

"I'm sorry, Haerin. I didn't realize that. I was too caught up with worrying about myself. I'm too selfish."

I looked away, unable to face her after almost flaring up at her over Seunghyun.

"You promised you'd tell me more about Top every time we met. We're already married now...but it still applies, right?" she asked with hopeful eyes.

I nodded, forcing a smile.

"Seunghyun... he's afraid of a lot of things. Responsibilities, loneliness...separations." I muttered.


That day, after Hwayoung left to meet Seunghyun for dinner, I was left alone again. I decided to text Taeyang to check if all of them were coming back for dinner.


'Oppa, you guys are coming home for dinner right? ^^ '


I held on to my phone, waiting for a reply. I watched tv while waiting. I proceeded to make myself a sandwich, still waiting. And out of boredom, I decided to clean the house too. When it was finally 5pm, and I didn't get a reply, something told me that was a negative. The sky was getting darker. I lay on the couch, wrecking my brains for a solution. Do I cook their share in case they come back? Or should I just cook for the kids and I? I started laughing to myself, as soon as I realized what a silly thing it was to do, lying on the couch for hours troubling over this silly matter. But then the sound of my own laughter died down. And I finally came to accept what I've been denying this whole time.


I was awfully lonely.


-



"Hey, what homework do we have today?" I whispered to the girl seated behind me. She gave me a weird look. Probably because we've never spoken.

"Umm‚ just the essay." she mumbled, packing her things and leaving. I frowned, packing up my things as well. I headed straight home that day because Seunghyun was busy with projects in school. And because my parents were out of the country for work, I returned to an empty house.

That day, I realized‚ that other than Seunghyun, I had no one.