For most of the show the presenter was just asking us questions, it's been thirty minutes since the live show started and we had only been answering questions.
Jongho finished answering a question and the presenter turned to me.
-KYS, she said, you went to live in the United States to become a rapper, didn't you?
-Yes, I did.
-In Los Angeles, do you live alone?
Why this strange question, is she asking if I'm dating anyone or what?
-No, I live with my cat and my dog, I replied.
The anchorwoman looked at me as if that wasn't the answer she was expecting.
-Oh okay, what's your dog's name?
-Her name is Roxanne
-Oh that's so pretty! Is it a big dog?
Deciding she has trouble understanding that it's a female.
-Yes, it's a Doberman.
-Oh yes indeed and your cat?
-My cat is a Maine coon.
I crossed my fingers that she wouldn't ask me what my cat's name was.
-So you have two great animals!
-Yes, we do.
-And why the choice of breed?
-Because they are two large animals, they take up more space, so I feel like I have more company.
I don't know if my explanation is understandable because the presenter looks at me strangely.
-Okay, I understand, she said after a moment.
Finally she moved on to someone else.
-Hongjoong do you still live in Seoul?
-Yes, I have an apartment next to the agency, which is very convenient.
-Do you live alone?
I don't understand why she wants to know who we live with.
-No, I don't live alone, with Seonghwa, he said, turning to him, we decided to live together.
-Oh, interesting, and why is that?
Seonghwa spoke up.
-Neither of us wanted to live alone, so we decided to move in together, it's more company, less lonely, so it's perfect.
-I see.
She nodded.
-And you Jongho, are you still in Seoul?
-Yes, I have an apartment in Seoul even though I spend most of my time in Japan, it's a country that I really like, I think I've become attached to it.
-Okay, so you live mostly in Tokyo?
-Yes, I do.
She smiled at him in reply.
-Woosan, as you know, many fans are wondering about your relationship, is there more than friendship between you two?
She's not embarrassed, it's their private life.
Wooyoung laughed softly as San spoke up.
-No, between us there is only friendship, I consider Wooyoung as my brother and vice versa, he answered with a smile.
-Okay I see, you two are still cute, she said smiling.
Why she forces like that, they said they were just friends.
It was then that the presenter asked the question that I hoped she would not ask.
-You disbanded in June, but for everyone, the causes of this dissolution remain rather vague, can you tell me more about the reasons of your disband?
The atmosphere changed suddenly, nobody dared to answer. Then the presenter turned to me, as if she was waiting for me to answer. The others also started to look at me, so I took my courage in both hands and decided to answer.
-We decided not to renew our contract after some problems within the group, we had a little argument and concluded that we should each go our own way.
While the presenter seemed satisfied with my answer, Mingi took her microphone and decided to add something else.
-We didn't actually all have a fight, but one big fight between two people was enough to break up the group, he said, glaring at me.
He's still blaming me when we all have our share of responsibility. I really can't stand it when he does that, then people think I'm the reason the group broke up.
The presenter turned to me, waiting for me to say something.
-Indeed, there was only one big fight, but it did a lot of damage to our relationship and to the group.
-But in the end, only one person was at the origin of this dispute and therefore of our disband, Mingi added slyly.
I turned back to him quite annoyed but he looked at me with a perfidious look.
-No, I think that we all have our share of responsibility and that the fight could have been avoided if there had been more conversation and dialogue between us.
The presenter saw that things were going too far and cut the conversation short and moved on to another topic.
After that I didn't really listen anymore and just answered direct questions.
I was pretty upset with Mingi.
When the show was over, I quickly said goodbye to the camera and the presenter before heading to my dressing room and my manager.
I quickly took my things and headed for the exit.
-Yeosang, Yeosang please wait.
I turned around to see my former manager walking towards me.
-I want to thank you for coming all the way here to watch the show.
-Oh but don't worry it's completely normal.
-And I would also like to apologize for Mingi's behavior on the set, he didn't have to imply that it was your fault that the group had disbanded.
-No indeed he didn't have to do that but you are not responsible for Mingi's behavior.
-All right, thank you very much, I'll see you tomorrow then.
-Yes, we will.
-See you tomorrow then.
-Bye, see you tomorrow, I said.
My former manager greeted him quickly and we left the studio.
I didn't even take the time to remove my make-up, I would do it in a hotel.
As soon as I arrived outside, I took a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and took one. My manager looked at me badly but I really didn't care, I really needed a cigarette, this evening exhausted me as much physically as mentally.
-The show didn't go well, did it? asked my manager.
-You saw it by yourself, I answered coldly.
-Was it Mingi who pissed you off?
-Yes, it's ing him! Always insinuating that it's my fault that the band disbanded behind his snide little face, I ing hate him.
I was really angry, he ruined my night, I was already not happy to come. If it were up to me I would take the first flight back to Los Angeles and go home.
I lit my cigarette and enjoyed the smell of the tobacco burning my lungs.
My manager didn't say anything more to me, probably feeling the anger emanating from my body.
The car that John called is taking a long time to arrive.
With the cigarette still in my hand, I saw the door open and Seonghwa and Hongjoong came out. They looked at me for a long time, and I looked at them, but they looked away first and went on their way.
The car soon arrived. I quickly got in and closed my eyes until I reached the hotel.
In my bathroom, I quickly removed my makeup and changed into my pajamas to crawl under the covers.
This day has been exhausting and the only thing I want is to sleep. Of course as the world is against me, I couldn't get to sleep, I tossed and turned again.
After an hour, I sat down and analyzed the situation, I felt really weird, I was tired and yet I couldn't fall asleep, I was hot and I had the impression that the sheets were sticking to my skin.
Defeated and exhausted, I let a tear fall gently down my cheek. I hate crying, it is for the weak to cry. I grabbed a handkerchief from the bedside table and quickly wiped my eyes. Finally I lay back down in my bed and closed my eyes, hoping that Morpheus would come and get me, but in vain. I ended up sobbing alone in my bed until I was too dehydrated to shed a single tear.
My alarm clock went off at six o'clock but it didn't wake me up.
To say I had a good night is an understatement, I didn't sleep all night and I still have a long day ahead of me.
I don't want this, I just want to sleep, I beg you let me sleep...