Flashback June 15, 2025

Today is the 15th of June and it's my birthday. I just finished the live my for birthday with atiny. They were all very nice and sent me only nice comments.
I have to get to a meeting with the others soon. I hope we can celebrate my birthday when I get back, they haven't even wished me yet.
But it doesn't matter, we are all very busy at the moment and I understand that it has slipped their minds a bit.
When I arrived in the meeting room, I saw that only Mingi was already present.
Tired and a little bit in a bad mood after the long day I had just spent, I preferred to keep my mouth shut rather than engage in a conversation with him. But Mingi had decided otherwise.
-Hey hyung, how was your day? 
-Good and you? 
-I'm fine, it was a pretty big day, I'm tired.
-After this meeting we can go home.
-Yes, I'm going to go to sleep, he said with a smile on his face, clearly enjoying the idea.
I frowned, slightly surprised and sad that he had really forgotten my birthday.
-Were you doing a live show before, Hyung? 
I nodded, hoping he would remember the reason for the live show.
-I didn't watch it, sorry.
I lowered my head, no he really forgot.
-It's okay Mingi, I know you were busy, I reassured him despite my sadness.
-And tell me, do you remember why I did this live? I asked innocently.
He frowned.
-Was there a reason for doing this live show, Hyung? Mingi answered.
My eyes darkened, disappointed and sad that he really forgot my birthday.
-Don't you know what day it is?
-Sunday, why? Yeosang hyung what are you trying to say?
-Nothing, it's okay forget it.
I gave up the conversation clearly discouraged that he didn't remember my birthday. I know we've all been busy lately but I still gave him plenty of clues to find my birthday. He forgot my birthday, for the second time. I hope the others remember it though, I'll be really disappointed if they don't.
-Hyung, if there's something today, please tell me instead of sulking, Mingi said annoyed.
I turned to him, surprised by his tone.
-I'm not sulking, I'm just really surprised that you don't remember what's going on today.
-We're not going to play guessing games either, please tell me so we can get it over with.
Mingi was getting on my nerves. I really wanted him to remember my birthday but I think I'm realizing that he really forgot.
-It's my birthday today, Mingi, I said, disappointed and a little sad.
His eyes widened and he immediately tried to hug me to apologize.
-I'm so sorry I forgot about Hyung!
I quickly ducked his embrace and said:
-It's okay Mingi, I know we're very busy right now and I don't blame you for forgetting.
He turned and nodded.
-Yes you're right Hyung, I really haven't had time to think about your birthday, it's really nice that you're so understanding.
I remained stoic, totally shocked by what he had just told me. He clearly admits that he forgot my birthday, which of course also means that he didn't think about buying me a present.
I'm really trying to make excuses for him but right now. I would never have forgotten his birthday, let alone his present. Everyone is talking about it on the networks and he hasn't seen a single post about my birthday, he hasn't seen even a second of my live show or even just his title. In fact he doesn't care about me, it's not my birthday he forgot but me.
-Hyung, I'm really sorry but I've been so busy that I didn't think of buying you a present either, I hope you understand? He asked me, in a small voice.
-How could you think of buying me a present if you didn't even know it was my birthday, I answered coldly.
-Are you mad at me? 
-Yes, a little.
He lowered his head.
-I thought you would be more understanding, Hyung.
-Haven't I been understanding enough already? Would you have liked it if I had forgotten your birthday and forgotten to give you a present? 
-Not really, but I would have forgiven you.
-Yes I know you would have, I would too, but not right away.
-You have a really bad temper, Hyung.
I stood up at his words, totally shocked.
-What did you say? I asked in amazement.
-Can't you just forgive me for forgetting your birthday once? 
-Actually it's twice, you and the others forgot it in 2018 too.
-But it was a mistake! It happens to everyone.
-It can happen once but not twice, I mean we live together Mingi! Haven't you been on the net lately? Didn't you notice that the atiny were talking about my birthday? Didn't you see the post on universe to support my birthday?
-Why are you getting upset hyung? I just forgot your birthday! It's nothing, you'll get over it I think? He said clearly annoyed.
-Anyway, it's always the same with you Mingi, you don't understand because everyone always pays attention to you.
It was only when these words came out of my mouth that I realized what I had just said.
-What are you saying? You know very well why others pay more attention to me! It's not my fault, I can't believe what I just heard hyung! Do you think I like having anxiety? No not at all and having others look out for me helps a lot. I thought you knew that hyung and understood it. If you like to keep your mouth shut and keep everything to yourself that's your problem but then don't complain about not getting enough attention because you're the one who decides to stay back. You're not going to make me feel guilty for getting more attention than you do because I have anxiety, you don't know what that feels like so you have nothing to say about it.
With that Mingi got up and left the room. I didn't even bother to get up and follow him. I was still processing what he had said, in fact it was all my fault, I never wanted to make him feel guilty for having anxiety, I was just angry and sad that he forgot my birthday.
He thinks that it's me who chooses not to want to receive more attention when in fact I just don't dare to bother the others with my problems, I don't want to be a burden for them so much that I prefer to keep everything to myself and finally pour all my anger and frustration on poor Mingi who didn't ask for anything.
Tired of what had just happened, I took my case and left too, anyway I think the meeting will be cancelled.
While walking in the corridors I didn't pass any of the members who were supposed to go to the meeting room. Surely they must have passed Mingi and returned with him to the dormitory. 
Everyone is going to hate me and turn against me.
So I decided not to go back to the dormitory right away and go for a walk in the park, trying as hard as I could to postpone my return to the dormitory.
When it started to get dark, I headed back to the dormitory, feeling a little nervous.
When I opened the door, I saw right away that everyone was gathered in the living room. When the door closed behind me, everyone turned to look at me.
-Yeosang, you're finally coming home, I was beginning to think you'd never come home, Hongjoong said coldly.
His tone immediately made me want to cry.
-I think we need to talk, come and sit with us, Seonghwa invited me.
I walked cautiously to the living room and sat on the end of a sofa to make sure I was away from everyone.
I could tell that Hongjoong and Yunho were very upset and Seonghwa kept a friendly face, but was also internally very angry.
Wooyoung and San were sitting next to each other as usual, keeping a jaded face and not looking at me. 
Jongho was the one who was sitting closest to me, he didn't say anything and I couldn't make out the expression on his face. 
Mingi was sitting between the two hyungs and had his head down.
Looking at all of them, I knew I was in for a rough time.
Hongjoong didn't waste any time and got right to the heart of the matter.
-Yeosang, why did you tell Mingi that it was her fault that there was anxiety?
I stood up and looked at Mingi, who kept her head down.
-I never told her that! I said clearly surprised.
-Yeosang, we're not going to beat around the bush for an hour, so stop playing innocent and take responsibility for what you said, Hongjoong shouted at me.
I looked at him surprised and scared at the same time, he never shouted at me.
-Hyung, I swear I never told him that, I don't know what Mingi told you but he clearly lied to you, I would never say that.
-See, I told you he was going to try to twist the story! He's trying to make himself the good guy when he's been trying to make me feel guilty for having anxiety and getting more attention, Mingi said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
I never tried to make him feel guilty about getting more attention, I just pointed out that he couldn't understand what it felt like to be ignored or pushed aside sometimes because members were always paying attention to him.
-That's not what I meant at all, I never meant to make you feel guilty Mingi.
-Is what Mingi says true Yeosang? 
-No, I never meant to make him feel guilty about anything.
-Stop lying hyung! You know very well what you said, don't try to look innocent this time.
I looked at the others, maybe trying to see if any of them would defend me, but no one moved even Wooyoung even though he knew very well that I would never say that.
-Your behavior is shameful Yeosang, I really didn't think you like this, you know very well that Mingi is fragile and you try to make him feel guilty about something he can't even control, you're really disgusting, it's shameful, said Yunho while taking Mingi in his arms who continued to cry.
What was happening to me was totally unreal, I never thought that all the members would turn against me when what Mingi said wasn't even true.
I lowered my head, not even bothering to defend myself anymore, I already knew that it was useless.
-Please go to your room, Yeosang, I don't want to see you anymore, Hongjoong said in annoyance and disappointment.
I got up and went shamefully to my room. 
I lay down in my bed and let the tears run down my face.
I didn't do anything, I was just so sad that Mingi forgot my birthday. Even though we're not the closest in the group, he means a lot to me and I would never try to make him feel guilty about his anxiety or the attention he gets from members.
This is the worst birthday I've ever had, no one in the band wished me, I was hoping to go home and celebrate with everyone but instead I'm left alone in bed crying.
This is really not how I imagined my day to be.
I continued to cry for an indeterminate amount of time. I looked at the alarm clock and saw that it read twenty-three. I knew that Jongho and Wooyoung wouldn't sleep here tonight, after all no one wants to be with me now, I'm just a disgrace.

***

I didn't sleep all night, I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation with Mingi, looking for a moment when he might have thought I was trying to make him feel guilty. 
I spent the whole night thinking about it and still couldn't come up with anything; I definitely didn't want to think that Mingi had lied to get me to yell at him.
When the alarm clock rang, I got up and started to prepare myself for what was already going to be an exhausting day.
When I got to the kitchen, I saw that everyone was having breakfast, laughing and talking together, without me. They were totally ignoring me.
Not wanting to stay here any longer, I left the dormitory and headed to the agency early.
I hadn't eaten anything since my live show yesterday and yet I didn't feel hungry.
All day long no one spoke to me, so by evening I was totally exhausted and in need of social interaction.
Seeing that they did not want me I did not try to initiate a conversation with the members, preferring to stay alone in my corner, after all one is better alone than badly accompanied even if I think that the bad company for once is me.
Tomorrow was the show, I was eager to be there to finally talk to someone.
The evening passed like all the day, tired and hungry, I took some food and went to eat alone in my room, the only place where I am quiet.
At night I slept a little but the events of yesterday kept replaying in my head preventing me from having a restful sleep.
This morning we had a show and I was really stressed.
In the van I sat alone in the back, not that it was my choice but clearly no one wanted to sit next to me.
During the whole show I didn't speak, as soon as the presenter asked me a question one of the members would cut me off and answer for me, even the presenter was drunk by the end.
The others went back to the dorm while I went to the studio for the live show.
My makeup artist asked me if I was okay when she noticed the dark circles under my face. I quickly reassured her that I was fine even though I had the impression that she didn't really believe me.
The shoot went well and I was finally able to talk to people. Two days without social interaction is a long time even for me as an introvert.
I really miss the members and wish everything was back to the way it was.
The weekend and the week after were all the same, no one would talk to me or even approach me.
I was really tired of the whole circus. Seeing them all together I could see that they didn't need me at all.
Even Wooyoung didn't talk to me once and didn't sleep in the room with me. Neither does Jongho, I wonder where he sleeps.
My biggest fear has always been to lose them and this is what is happening, I am really scared, my worst nightmare is coming true.
I love them so much that I will be able to get down on my knees and beg them not to abandon me. If I lose them, I lose everything.
Today was the day we were all supposed to renew our contracts but when we got to the pdg-nim office the tension was palpable.
The sheet of paper was in front of us, but no one took the pen to sign it.
That's when pdg-nim asked us in surprise:
-Don't you want to renew your contract? 
No one answered.
Tired of the last two weeks that I had spent and knowing very well that we would not be able to reconcile, I made the painful decision not to continue in this group. They made me live the two worst weeks of my life. When I saw them all together laughing and having fun, I knew very well that they didn't need me and that I didn't have my place in this group.
So I spoke up:
-I do not wish to renew my contract.
Pdg-nim looked at me shocked but turned to the others instead of discussing with me.
-For me ateez is eight or nothing, if you become a group of seven people it will never be like before, you will lose fans and fame. I respect Yeosang's decision and don't ask him for an explanation.
He took the blank sheet of paper and put it in his desk.
-Thank you for being part of kq entertainment for seven long years, now you are free to do whatever you want with your life.
The others were not shocked and did not try to change our CEO's mind, it was as if they already knew it was going to end like this.
In the silence we all returned to the dormitory, our disband was announced two hours after our appointment with pdg-nim. The atinys were all shocked, they were convinced that we were going to renew.
After the announcement was posted on the networks, everyone started to receive invitations from agencies to join them. I received some myself but only one caught my attention, it was the invitation of an American agency that proposed me to become a rapper, I am totally null in rap but nevertheless this request really interested me, it would be a good way for me to start all over again, to create me a new personality, a new reputation.
I clicked on the invitation and without wasting any time I answered them in a positive way.
Happy with my new flight, I started to pack my bags, the agency invited me to join them right away and I didn't intend to waste time.
I didn't know what the others had planned to do and in fact I didn't care anymore, they didn't count for me.
When the agency called me to say that they were ready to welcome me as soon as I could, I decided to leave tonight. I quickly bought a plane ticket to Los Angeles. I was lucky because there was a flight scheduled for 9:00 pm. 
I quickly finished packing, I looked at my side of the room which was almost empty, I had taken all my clothes and my objects, the only thing I had left was the photo frames of us eight, not wanting to take that to the United States.
At 6:30 pm I came out of my room with all my luggage, no one was in the living room, I didn't know where they were, probably in their room.
On the landing I looked back at the dormitory one last time and said goodbye to my life as an idol, to my life as a member of ateez. 
I was still a little sad but the hope of having a chance to start over made me immediately happy.
A cab took me to the airport.
A few hours later I was on the plane heading straight for my new life.
During the trip I thought about my family whom I had not even told and who were probably worried that I would not answer them.
When I arrived in the United States, a nice yellow cab took me to the hotel where I would stay before finding an apartment or a house.
On the way I looked around and saw the beauty of this city and to think that yesterday I was still in Korea and now I am in the United States happier than ever.
I passed a building that I recognized as my new agency, the building was beautiful, I was really looking forward to tomorrow and to be able to go there.
It was on this summer night in Los Angeles that the rapper KYS was born, who didn't know yet what was going to happen to him...

End of the flashback