-Would you like something to drink? Some coffee? Some tea?
-I'll have a coffee please Yeosang.
-And I'll have tea thank you Yeosang.
-Is it just Hongjoong hyung and Seonghwa hyung?
A blank followed, no one answered.
-Oh well, I went to the kitchen slightly disappointed that the others had not answered my question.
It had been maybe ten minutes since everyone had arrived and the atmosphere was quite tense. No one was talking, they were just glaring at each other. I was really worried about the rest of the afternoon.
I came back quickly with the drinks and sat down and waited for someone to start talking.
-So already Yeosang thank you very much for inviting us, I think we really need to explain, even though I know we'll never be ateez again, we could still try to be all new friends, said Hongjoong.
He looked at us, clearly waiting for an answer.
-I think I should start explaining myself, because basically you are all friends already, it's only me who is lacking. First of all I would like to apologize for running away to the United States without even telling you or saying goodbye. Running away is never a good solution and yet I took it, so please forgive me.
I didn't wait for an answer and just continued my explanation.
-I am aware that I am one of the reasons for our disbandment and I am very sorry. Now I don't think I'm the only one responsible, if there had been more discussion and you had let me stand up for myself maybe we would still be together today, but I'm not saying it's all your fault though, I'm just a little frustrated with the way it all ended.
They all nodded, but they were all still processing my words, so I took the opportunity to continue and finally get to the heart of the matter.
-First of all, Mingi lied to you when he told you about our little confrontation. I never wanted to make him feel guilty about anything and even less about his anxiety when I know that it is something he cannot control! So yeah maybe I misspoke and it was pretty childish to get upset just because you forgot my birthday but I still felt upset about it, you already forgot my 19th birthday and now you forgot again! I had a big day, like all of you certainly but I was really looking forward to go home and celebrate my birthday with you, with my family, I felt the blades go up in my eyes and my voice crack, so I never meant to imply that Mingi was getting too much attention from you but just that he couldn't understand what I was going through on a daily basis because you just pay attention to him all the time and that's not even a reproach I'm happy for him, I was just really sad that you forgot about me again. So I'm not saying that you left me out on a daily basis, in fact I think I left myself out because I don't want to be a burden to you or just seem too clingy but it's true that I felt a bit left out and my birthday was the last straw and it was Mingi who took the brunt of it. Mingi I'm sorry I made you feel guilty, I didn't mean to but I really want to know why you told the others that I said it was your fault that you had anxiety when I never said that? I looked at him waiting for an answer, holding back my tears as best I could after finally opening up to them.
Everyone else is looking at Mingi too. I took note of their expression.
Seonghwa looked like he had been stabbed.
Hongjoong wore the guilt on his face, he really looked like he was blaming himself.
Yunho had a pained look on his face and was waiting impatiently for Mingi's answer.
San cried softly, so much so that I didn't even notice the tears on his face, I felt sorry for him, after all I had always been very angry at him for "stealing" Wooyoung from me but now I realize that it was just childishness and that San is really the most kind and caring man I've ever met in my life.
Wooyoung looked really stressed, biting his nails, as if he was dreading something.
Jongho was sitting straight in his chair and trying to keep his head up despite all the emotions he must be feeling. Our strong maknae.
And finally Mingi looked uncertain, he fidgeted with his fingers worriedly, but finally he spoke up.
-I'm really sorry Yeosang, I never imagined how much pain I caused you. I was such a jerk to you but you were always so kind and gentle to me, I feel so bad. Ever since your suicide attempt I can't sleep at night, all I can think about is how I could have forced you to want to do that, how bad you felt to want to take your life, if you only knew how much I blame myself.
He sobbed softly into his hands and despite my resentment, I found myself looking at him with tenderness.
-I always tried to stay cool with you after our fight because I didn't want to show you that side of me. Even when we came to see you when you woke up in the hospital, I pretended that I wasn't happy to be there when I could have danced for joy because I was so happy that you were okay! And then when Yunho started to talk to you I broke down because I realized that you were really broken and I didn't even know if one day you would be the Yeosangie I knew and loved so much even though I knew that it was all my fault!
He sobbed louder and louder, Yunho took him in his arms.
I wiped my eyes myself, he had really moved me. I really didn't know that he felt like this. He seemed so cold and distant to me.
-To answer your question hyung, I felt so bad for forgetting your birthday and you were so angry with me that I didn't know how to react. I knew that I had screwed up and that I couldn't recover and then when you said those words I knew that I could turn the situation to my advantage and I was so afraid of the reaction of the others because I didn't know if they had forgotten your birthday too that I decided to step into the breach. Today I feel very bad because I realize that I am the real reason for our disbandment. So I know that my excuse is not valid at all and I hope that you can forgive me.
I nodded quickly, of course I forgive him. Mingi had touched me a lot with his words. I got up quickly and went to hug him. He quickly reached out and grabbed me, and I sat on his lap and buried my head in his neck. I felt him sobbing on me and I made circles on his back to calm him down.
I lifted my head at the sound of the phone and saw that the others were taking pictures of us.
-Sorry, but we really thought we would never see this again, Yunho said right next to us with a big smile.
San had even stopped crying and was looking at us with a bright smile. This boy is precious.
But I saw Wooyoung next to him who looked even more tortured than before. I sat on Mingi's lap, who was very happy that I stayed.
-Wooyoung! I called out to him.
He looked straight at me and I couldn't make out his eyes.
-Why did he do that? I asked.
He burst into tears. I heard the others gasp, shocked by Wooyoung's reaction.
San, although coldly, slowly rubbed his back.
-I'm so sorry Yeosang, he cried between sobs, I really didn't think you would try to kill yourself.
-Wooyoung, suicide or not, what you did was shameful! I want to feel sorry for you but I don't even know why Yeosang would forgive you, your excuse is even worse than Mingi's.
Even if he hadn't tried to kill himself your words would have affected him the same way, it's really shameful! Seonghwa shouted.
I could feel the disappointment and anger in his voice. I'm more and more curious about Wooyoung's excuse.
-I know hyung okay? I know but I already feel so bad please, Wooyoung sobbed again and I felt sad for him, I really wanted to hug him.
He wiped his eyes and nose and began his story.
-San and I had planned to go on tour, our agency had promised us a tour after our participation in the show for the ateez disband, but time passed and still nothing, no tour planned. I went to ask our CEO and he told me that they were having big financial problems recently and that they were not able to send us on tour unless we somehow managed to make a buzz and therefore get a lot of money. I really didn't want to do it but he put a lot of pressure on me saying how good it would be for our career to do the tour. So without even realizing it I started to think about it seriously, I talked to San who also thought about how to get the buzz going quickly. San always came up with good ideas like doing a cover of a popular song, making YouTube videos in our dorm room so that the fans could be more intimate with us but I soon realized that it wouldn't work and that I needed to find a real technique to make the buzz and that's when I thought of you, I'm really sorry but you were the person who was doing the buzz for months and I only thought about that, I knew it would make us a lot of money and I never thought about you, I thought you wouldn't even read it or maybe you wouldn't care. But I was stupid to think that because you are a human like me and I know how much you care about other people's opinions and how sensitive you can be to criticism. I was supposed to be your best friend and I did this to you, he started sobbing softly again, San never agreed to it, we argued a lot about it, he told me absolutely not to do it but I didn't listen to him and did it anyway. We did get a lot of money but when I saw you on the ground lifeless, when I held your cold body against me I knew I had really done a big mistake and I didn't have the strength to go on tour, I didn't want to anymore. The only thing I wanted was to spend every second of my life by your side, to tell you how sorry I was, he took a breath and tried to calm down, when you asked me to go out that day to the hospital, I got in the car and cried, I cried a lot, when San came back I was so parched that he had to go and buy some water, he laughed at the memory and I smiled softly too, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness Yeosang but I hope we can at least just be friends again. He looked at me with beaten puppy eyes.
-Don't you want to be my best friend anymore? I asked falsely sad.
His eyes grew big and he hurried to answer.
-No, not at all! I would be so happy to be your best friend but I was so mean that I don't think I deserve it, he lowered his head.
-All is forgiven Wooyoung, I wish you were my best friend.
They all looked at me shocked that I forgave him so quickly. I smiled and threw myself into his arms. He grabbed me and hugged me tightly. He whispered in my ear: "I love you Yeosang, I love you" over and over and I smiled more and more.
-So we are friends again? Hongjoong asked happily.
We all answered "Yes!"
-General hug! shouted San and who am I to deny Choi San anything?
We all sat on the floor and cuddled for so long that I didn't even hear my sister come home with her boyfriend.
-Uh is everything okay? she asked.
No one answered.
-Well, then everything is fine, but please go do your gay stuff somewhere else.
-Oh Sana!