10 days I've been surviving, 10 days I haven't seen anyone but the fried chicken delivery guy.
It's been exactly 10 days since Sana left and I haven't had any social contact since.
Seonghwa didn't text me, I guess so the others didn't want to see me and normally I would have said fine but I think I'm really lacking in social interaction.
I huffed still slumped on the couch. I looked at the time, it was 1pm. I thought about eating but finally I preferred to starve myself on the couch.
I'm actually a little sad that Seonghwa didn't contact me again, I thought I was friends with my two older hyung again.
Honestly I just can't wait for Sana to get home so I can go back to the States to continue to question my life.
At least I will have Woo and Roxanne with me.
My manager said I could take as much time as I wanted and I plan to never come back.
My goal? To wait until the end of my contract in February and go live in Canada with my dog and cat. Knowing that it's already January which means I'll never have to worry about a song again. I laugh at this satisfying thought. Yes, I'm laughing to myself, but we're doing the best we can.
I haven't texted my sister since she left, I don't want to be a burden to her and I dare not text Seonghwa.
In short nothing goes.
I try as much as possible not to think about my mother, because every time I think about her I cry and I start to get tired of crying literally all the time.
Still on the couch, I analyzed my life.
What am I supposed to do except get depressed? Nothing.
So it's decided I'm going to get depressed.
Finally after fighting with myself for more than ten minutes, I decided to sleep because I clearly have nothing better to do.
So I lay down on the couch, my bed feeling too far away.
I closed my eyes hoping to sleep.

***

I did not sleep. I lay there for a total of three hours without sleeping once.
It was now four o'clock and I was still as tired and dejected as before.
My phone rang, announcing a notification. I literally jumped on my phone, hoping it was a message from Seonghwa but instead I saw a Twitter notification that said "Wooyoung [WOOSAN] speaks out shockingly about one of the former ATEEZ group members."
Worried that this article was about me, I quickly clicked on the notification and then on the link that took me to the site. My eyes scanned the article meticulously to find out that Wooyoung was talking about me.
The more I read, the more I was shocked and saddened, tears came to my eyes and I did nothing to stop them from flowing, totally shocked by Wooyoung's words.
At that moment, it was once again my life that was falling apart. Wooyoung spoke about me with such malice. If I had known that he thought that about me. He even said mean things about me when we were still trainees at Bighit.
Everything I thought about him, our whole old friendship, was falling apart.
He really hid his game well.
He said that in reality I was an obnoxious person who only thought of himself, that deep down he never really loved me, that he just felt sorry for me because I was lonely, that I wasn't innocent at all but in reality really mean and ruthless. He also said that I was a bad friend and a bad group mate, all of his words were backed up by vile and false examples each more than the other. But the worst thing he said was that I had no talent to be an idol, that I couldn't sing or dance and that kq had only started me because of my looks.
At this point I was sobbing and choking on my own tears for a long time.
I cared a lot about Wooyoung and even though we had disbanded and he had not been nice to me, he still had a special place in my heart and to see him say that about me totally breaks me. Me who always did everything for him...
I threw my phone to the end of the room, not caring if I broke it or not. I was totally overwhelmed by the events. I really can't understand why he did this!
I cried more and more, I didn't even bother to wipe my tears, letting them run freely down my face.
This was too much, everything was too much, I just wanted it to stop, I wanted it all to stop.
Everything in my life is going wrong, I just want some rest, I want to be okay, I don't want to suffer anymore, I don't want to go through this anymore, I beg you let me go.
I didn't really think about it anymore and just grabbed my phone from the floor. Its screen was a little cracked but it was still working.
I punched in the code and called the first person that came to mind.
The dial tone rang again and again and finally I got the answering machine.
I swore under my breath.
-Hyung, I beg you to help me! You have to help me! I can't take it anymore, I can't ing take it. Why did he do it! Tell me why he did it! I sobbed harder and harder but I kept going anyway, I want it to stop hyung, I want everything to stop, I don't want to go on like this anymore, I beg you help me! I don't want to suffer anymore, I just want to be well. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to stop everything, I'm going to make it stop, then I'll finally be okay, I'm sorry hyung, but it's too much, I've done everything to survive, I've done everything, now I just want to rest for a while, I love you and tell Hongjoong huyng that I love him too, I'm really sorry.
TW
I hung up the phone and in a daze, I went to the bathroom.
I quickly rummaged through my toiletry bag and grabbed my bottle of sleeping pills, I didn't think any further before swallowing the whole box, leaving no pills left in the bottle.
I opened the tap and drank a lot of water, almost choking on all the medicine in my mouth.
After swallowing it all, I sat down against the bathroom wall, the bottle of sleeping pills at my feet and everything in my toiletry bag scattered on the floor.
I began to feel drowsy and finally realized what I had just done but instead of feeling scared, I felt soothed and rather satisfied with my action, I was finally going to get some rest, finally I was going to be able to sleep.
I think it had been twenty minutes since my call and maybe ten minutes since my medication.
I was really struggling not to fall asleep, feeling really weird.
Finally I closed my eyes at the sound of someone knocking on the apartment door.
I left slowly and without any regrets.