My father quickly replaced my tie before leaving the room. I looked at myself in the mirror in my old room. I was dressed in black, strands of hair falling over my eyes, easily hiding the sadness in my eyes. It had been a long time since I had worn a suit, I am much more used to wearing loose clothing. I had to buy an outfit quickly, my other suits had become too big, they were floating on my thin body. I didn't realize yet that I was going to go to my mother's funeral.
I had talked to her a few days before and she was doing just fine. The fall was too sudden, too fast.
I went out on the balcony and had a cigarette. I wasn't giving up smoking at the moment, it makes me feel better even though my sister says otherwise.
Speaking of her, she joined me on the balcony.
-You know Eomma didn't like you smoking, she said.
-Yes, I know and I think you've told me enough, I understand now, I answered her irritated.
-And you don't care?
-No, not at all, it's not that.
-Then why do you continue?
-Are you making fun of me? You know very well why I don't stop, it's the only thing that keeps me alive.
-You think you're the only one affected by eomma's death? We are all affected and yet you behave as if it was only you who was concerned.
-I never said that! But everyone feels it in their own way and I need to smoke my way out of it, leave me alone now.
I quickly left the balcony and got into the car that was going to take us to the funeral. Inside, my father asked me:
-Did you smoke?
-Yes," I answered firmly, not wanting to say anything more.
My father didn't say anything more.
Shortly afterwards my sister arrived and we set off.
At the funeral everyone came to pay their respects. Honestly I didn't care, it wouldn't bring back the deceased.
The ceremony was about to begin, so we sat in the front row on the right. On the left row were my aunts, uncles, cousins. My father, sister and I were the only ones sitting in the front row on the left. I continued to look at the people at my mother's funeral when my eyes were drawn to the third row on the right, I looked twice, thinking maybe I was hallucinating but no they were there, all in full, the members were all there, dressed in black. In the front row I recognized Wooyoung's parents with his younger and older brother. I knew that my mother had become close to Wooyoung's mother after we started.
I tapped my sister's arm and asked her:
-Why are they here?
She followed my gaze and saw who I was talking about.
-Eomma had written it in her will, she said.
-But why?
She shrugged her shoulders.
I didn't really have time to think more about it because the ceremony started.
My father had chosen not to make a speech, not feeling up to it, and I hadn't really had time to prepare one, so only my sister got up to recite hers.
Everything went well, at one point I heard my sister crying next to me but I kept my head up not wanting to shed a tear, even less now that I know the others are there.
When the ceremony was over, I stood in front of my mother's grave and said my last goodbye. I had planned to go home quickly and lock myself in my old room to let my emotions out.
But I was cornered by several people who prevented me from going home.
Finally I got away from everyone. Proud of myself, I walked towards the car that was supposed to take me home when someone called out to me, I turned around and saw Seonghwa walking towards me.
-Are you leaving already? he asked me when he reached me.
-Sorry, but I don't want to stay here any longer," I said.
-I didn't know your mother was sick, we were surprised when we heard she passed away.
I lowered my head.
-I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't know you were coming to her funeral.
-We didn't either, we were even more surprised.
-Even Mingi came, I said in surprise.
-You probably think it's because he had to, but not at all, he was really saddened by the news of your mother's death and it was really important for him to come.
-If you say so I believe you then hyung, I'll go now.
-Please wait, I would like to know if it would be possible for the eight of us to meet.
I stiffen up.
-What would be the point?
-It would give us a chance to talk and maybe even become friends again.
-But you are already friends with them, Hyung.
-It's not for me but for you of course Yeosang.
-But I don't want to.
-I think you're lying.
-Listen hyung, I'm not really in the mood for this, I want to go home, send me a message if you really want to get together and I'll think about it.
I didn't give him time to answer me and turned to leave, I will surely accept to see them all again but I will do it only for Seonghwa.
When I got home, I quickly changed out of his clothes that were sticking to my skin. I didn't bother to take a shower but went straight to my bed, tired from the long day.
For once I fell asleep quickly, my head filled with happy memories of my mother.

***

-Yeosang wake up.
Someone shook me, I groaned, annoyed at being woken up.
-Come on, wake up.
I opened my eyes and saw my sister above me.
-Pack your things and come to my house.
-Why? And what about you? I asked half asleep.
-Appa is going to her brother's for a while, it will do her good.
-Can't I stay here?
-No, I'm going to my boyfriend's house for a few weeks in Busan and you're going to stay with me.
-Why can't I stay here? I asked again.
-Do you really want to stay in a place where there are lots of memories of eomma? she asked.
She has a point.
Tired I got up and quickly packed my bags, I did not bother to change.
An oversized sweater and a pair of jogging pants clearly did the trick.
In my sister's car, Sana said:
-And you'll be happy, Wooyoung and San live in the same building as me.
-It's a joke I hope? I asked disconcerted.
-No, not at all, I see them every morning.
-Turn back.
-What?
-Noona turn back!
-But why?
-I'm staying at my parents' house.
-Don't worry, we've arrived.
My sister really makes fun of me, she's a little .
My things were quickly put away in the guest room and Sana took her suitcases and brought them back to the hall.
-Well, I'm going to go.
-Already? I asked as I got up from the couch I was sitting on.
-Yes, my boyfriend is downstairs.
She gave me a big kiss on the forehead and left without saying another word.
I wiped my forehead, disgusted by her action and lay down on the couch, ready to continue my nap.
Deep down I was glad she was going with her boyfriend, it would take her mind off things, it's no big deal if I'm alone.
Finally I went back to sleep, thinking of nothing this time.