I don't really know how many days have passed since I came back from Korea.
All my days are the same, I lay in bed and get up if I feel hungry, even though I don't feel it much anymore.
I don't remember my last shower or even less my last walk. Being on break and allowed to do nothing is not for me, work is what keeps me alive, along with cigarettes of course.
With no schedule and no deadlines I am totally out of control.
I'm tired and the only thing I really want is to sleep forever or at least for more than two hours.
It's maybe noon or more when Roxanne walks into my room, leash in .
That's when I realize it's been so long since I took Roxanne out, I know she's used to going out alone on the block but I promised her I would walk with her.
I grabbed the leash and took a quick look in the mirror to check my appearance.
Anyone who saw me right now would think I was homeless.
Finally laziness won out once again and I went out without even taking the time to change my clothes, I was really looking forward to going back to my bed.
The walk was short but my dog enjoyed it all the same. Fortunately, I didn't meet anyone.
On my way home, I stopped to take Woo in my arms and bring him with me to my room, not wanting to be alone.
Finally sitting on my bed with my cat next to me, I decided to resume my favorite activity, trying to sleep.
When I have really too much trouble to sleep I end up taking a sleeping pill and it really relieves me.
Like today when the fatigue is too great to ignore, I decided to take a sleeping pill.
After taking it, I returned to the comfort of my comforters and this time took very little time to fall asleep.
Finally enjoying a well-deserved sleep.

***

The Christmas concert was in two days and basically I was really happy to see my fans again.
I was actually in the studio revising the lyrics and the rap. I had been there for maybe four hours and my manager was already rushing me home, he didn't understand that I would rather be working than lying in bed all day.
An hour later, I was back home.
My family had spent Christmas in the hospital, my mother was still there, the doctor refused to let her out. My sister had sent me lots of pictures and everyone seemed happy. I had also FaceTime with my mom and she was really happy to have me on the phone, we talked a lot and she assured me that everything was fine and that she would be released soon. My sister had also called me and told me that eomma was fine. I was really happy for her, I had been so worried.
After taking a shower and eating some applesauce, I went to bed, exhausted from a day where I had done almost nothing but sing.
Of course, for a change, I didn't sleep a wink all night.
My day was horrible, I don't know if the compote I had eaten the day before was rotten but I spent the day being sick, I vomited, had a stomach ache, took several Doliprane, cried and finally slept.
If I had known I had to be sick to sleep, I would have made sure to catch every virus on earth.
To say that I felt terrible on the day of the concert would be an understatement.
I literally wanted to die, all conviction had left my body, I did everything by mechanism.
My manager realized that I wasn't feeling well but really tried to boost me up for the show.
Just before I went on stage, my sister called me, the fact that she was calling me when she knew I had a concert worried me. I answered quickly.
-Noona, what's going on? I have to go on stage.
-Yeosang listen it's eomma, she said in a serious tone.
-What's wrong with her? I answered worriedly.
-The doctor called, her condition got worse all of a sudden, he doesn't know what happened but he's quite worried about her.
-She's not going to die noona is she?
There was a blank on the other end of the line.
-Sana-noona answer me! I shouted.
-We don't know Yeosang but she's really not well.
I felt tears welling up in my eyes, this is not true, everything but this, I beg you not this!
-Yeosang I'll call you back later, the doctor is trying to reach me.
With that she hung up and I remained stoic in the middle of the backstage.
-Come on Yeosang, you have to go upstairs, the concert is about to start, said my manager, apparently unaware of the call I had just received.
By pure mechanism, I went up on stage and started my concert.
Caught up in the adrenaline of the moment and the joy my fans were giving me, I almost forgot about my sister's call.
By the time the concert was over, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. The call from earlier had slipped my mind.
I went home, took off my make-up and showered. I took some random things from my fridge and put it in the microwave, it was quick noodles. I ate in a daze, the fatigue blurring my senses.
I spent the next four hours trying to fall asleep, to no avail. I took a sleeping pill and slept.
My night after that went relatively well.
I woke up after noon, shocked at the late hour, quickly got up and grabbed my phone to check the time but saw several missed calls from my sister and father.
Worried and remembering my sister's call from yesterday, I quickly called her back, thinking she would answer faster than my father. But in the end neither of them answered.
I realized that it was four o'clock in the morning in Seoul and that he must be sleeping.
Finally, I continued to do my life. I ate, got dressed and even took the time to go for a walk with Roxanne. All in all I had a good day, everything was going well.
It was six o'clock when my sister finally called me back, so it was ten o'clock in Korea. I answered quickly, having a bad feeling.
-Noona? Is everything okay?
The first thing I heard was my sister looking like she was crying. Worried, I repeated my question:
-Noona, what's wrong? I'm worried about you.
-Yeo-Yeosang, it's-it's eomma, she answered crying.
-What's wrong with eomma? I asked worriedly.
-She left us Yeosang, she died.