Spilled
Behind The Limelight
This was the first kiss I’m truly aware of and never thought of resisting. I felt some force lift up my hand to reach out to him. His lips probed on the deepest part of my heart, bringing out a sensation that erases all regret and ends all my longings. It’s been quite some time since someone kissed me like this. That time felt like a distant forever, while this moment was absolute bliss. I ran my hand along his hair and prayed that this would go on and on.
Finally, he decided to pull away. He gave me a satisfied look.
“You don’t know how happy I am, Hae. I must say that I love you so much.” he said, clutching both of my hands in his.
I smiled. “I love you too.”
Now that we are officially together, I’ve never seen him so happy. He was always sweet to me, and so I am with him. No one knows this except the two of us, and having him by my side was one of those few things that I’m thankful of. We sometimes go out to lunch or at dinner in the finest restaurants down here. Along with the good food come unlimited stories from both of us.
I never brought up the issue of going back to Seoul. I knew it would just hurt him. There was no point of going back now, and I’ve already accepted in myself that Hyuk Jae and I are over.
“But how about your book?” Si Won asked. It was an accident when he read it on my table. He badly wanted it published and released throughout the country.
“No, I would only cause another gossip. It would only confirm the news.” I refused.
He put his hand above my own. “It’s been confirmed, Hae. I know it.”
I fell silent at the realization that I was caught off-guard. Maybe I have already given it proof by dating him and writing the book. I guess I don’t have anything to run away from. I’ve been set to move forward.
“It’s okay with me if you go back to Seoul. I’ll get a copy of your book once it’s released.”
I found the change in his statements amusing. It wasn’t an issue for him now, except if I tried to get back to Hyuk Jae. I couldn’t hold a smile, so I let it break out on my lips.
“Really?” I asked.
He nodded, but his eyes weren’t meeting mine. “Yeah, and I now you’ll be back.”
There was a painful edge in his voice, and in an instant, I felt guilty. All he did was love me with everything he had, and I’m giving him suicide in return. I promised to myself that I’ll come back for him no matter what.
I dropped by to his house for a while to get the hard copy of my novel in his room. Upon entering the living room, we were surprised to see Min Ah and her friends waiting for us.
“Oppa.” she said as she stood up to greet her brother. She had two classmates with her, and when they saw me, squeals filled the whole room. The girls insisted on Min Ah to take a picture with me. I could see in her face that she was utterly reluctant, but ended up obliging to their request. As I put a smile and circled my arms with the shoulders of the two girls, I could make out Si Won’s silly smile at me. The camera gave a flash then I exchanged a few thank you’s with them, leaving them behind to make their school project.
“You still have a huge fan base.” he said as we settled at the edge of the bed in his room.
I grinned. “Yeah, I never thought it would last.”
“Well, you’ve always been remarkable.”
I smiled and flung myself on the bed. It offered a very soft cushion for my tired body. He lied down next to me, and then put his hand around my body. We remained that way while silence fell on us. I wondered why there were no words between us when we always had this easy talk at moments like this.
“What’s the problem?” I managed to ask.
Instead of answering, he lifted himself up a little and bent down to kiss my lips. The familiar sensation swarmed over my veins again, shooting its way through my heart. I’ve fallen into this kind of alternative reality, and now I found myself responding to the kiss. Softly, gently, lovingly.
As our kiss ended, he locked his eyes on me. “We don’t have a problem. I just want to tell you I love you.”
His sweetness never faltered. I’m so touched by it that all I could do is lie with him and listen to the steady beating of his heart. I told him I love him and it’s real. More than real.
Eun Bi called me when I got home with my printed novel in my hands. I set the paper works on my table and grabbed my phone from my pocket.
“Hello?”
“Hae! How are you? When are you coming back here?” It was good to hear her voice again after some time. We haven’t contacted each other so long, and I felt this need of catching up with her life.
“I’m fine. I’m coming back to Seoul in a week.” With my answer, her voice raised in excitement.
“Really? I’ll be waiting for you.”
I ended up asking her about her life and I felt a sort of envy when she told me all the happy moments. Min Yeong had finally proposed to her. Their wedding will be this coming December. She had a new endorsement to be released this week, and she’s shooting an action movie. It was a diversion for her career. She told me about her scar on the knee which she chose to preserve as a mark of her “achievement”. When she asked me if I wanted to talk with Hyuk Jae, it took me a long time to answer. But I ended up saying yes.
When his voice rang in my eardrums, my tongue froze inside my mouth. I wasn’t prepared for this. I haven’t contacted him for so long and after he sent me that note, my heart went through a whole new cycle. I wasn’t sure if I could make out the words that I should say to him.
“Hello?” he said in a bright voice, which I really don’t understand.
“Hello.” I said flatly and coldly. I somehow found myself demanding an explanation, but even completing one sentence to convey that to him was hard for me.
“Hae...” Then an awkward silence put a barrier between us.
“How have you been?”
This question rattled my senses to life. I swallowed, thinking how he could maintain his sunny personality after he hurt me like hell. I wanted to know why he did that, why he disappeared when I needed him so much, why he never even called me. But I broke myself out of daydreaming and answered him.
“I’m fine. I’ll be back there in a week’s time.”
“Oh, I see. Call me when you get here.”
I hung up and burst into tears. I said the most stupid answer that I could think of. I should be yelling at him for leaving me hanging, for not being there when I was slowly drifting away.
“Now is not the time.” I said to myself. I wiped my tears away and made up my mind. When I get back to Seoul, I’ll talk to him, and somehow know the other side of the story.
The next afternoon was a big shock. Word has spread that I’m dating Si Won, which meant another disaster. I became a clearer object of gossip in the whole showbiz world. Si Won’s life was at big stake. I knew he would be attacked by crazy reporters when he got home, and all sorts of questions would be thrown to him. I called him up immediately, but his phone just kept on ringing. I prayed for him to pick the other end then I ended up waiting. I threw the phone on the bed, fearing that the worst of all scenarios would happen.
Ten hours swiftly passed by without a call from Si Won. I’ve been worrying about him since the news broke out, and everywhere I go, judgmental pair of eyes meets mine along the way. When I was about to sleep, my phone rang on the bedside table registered on the home screen.
“Hello?”
Instead of hearing Si Won’s voice, I heard Min Ah speaking.
“Hello, Dong Hae? This is Min Ah. Oppa’s here at the hospital right now. He told me to call you up.” she said.
I ended the call and changed my clothes right away. I rushed to the hospital Min Ah told me then hurried to the information desk. The nurse told me the room where he was admitted. I rushed to the room and swung the door open, only to find Si Won and Min Ah sleeping.
She woke up and jumped to her feet upon seeing me. She turned so Si Won and calmly woke him.
“Oppa, he’s here.” she said. His eyes flung open and rested his back on the headboard. He smiled weakly and told me to come in. I dragged myself and pulled a chair beside his bed.
“Min Ah, leave us for a while please.” he ordered. She stood up and left the room. She closed the door carefully.
He looked at me with empty eyes. I couldn’t meet them directly with this pain I felt. I cast my eyes on the ground and cried. He was harassed because of me.
“Hae, it’s alright.” He said and put his hand on mine. I was about to say sorry but then he wrapped it up.
“I’m sorry. I should have been more careful. I should have protected you.”
“I’m okay. I guess it’s just that we live in two different worlds.”
Again, I heard that edge of pain in his voice. This was all too much for him to carry on.
“Who did this to you?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. They were just a group of men who beat me up into a pulp last night. I didn’t fight back because I knew it would break you. It would just put you into trouble.”
“I’m already in trouble you know. Things got only worse.” I said. He reached out and put his arms around me.
“Don’t worry about me. You should worry about yourself. You’re a nationwide eyesore.”
I chuckled at the last sentence. The whole nation must be tired of seeing my face and knowing my story. When he pulled away, his answer took me aback.
“Now here’s what you do. Go back to Seoul and clear things out. It will help you a lot.”
I lost my voice with what he said. I never thought he’d mean it. I looked at it as an escape answer to excuse the hurt he feels.
“But-“
“I know. It doesn’t matter at all. You have to finish your unfinished business.”
He’s right. Maybe it’s time to go back and face reality. There’s so much I have to deal with. There are so many questions that I want to be answered. I’ve been longing to see the people I left behind.
Even if that meant seeing Hyuk Jae again.
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