That night I tried really hard to make him feel loved.  I felt guilty for rejecting him so I sat next to him on the sofa and looked at the photos with him. We held hands as we talked about our future and where we planned to live.  Tae was my closest friend.  We had talked about our future in the past many times.  It wasn't hard for us to imagine the things we would do.  Life with him would be a chaotic, crazy adventure filled with love and laughter. Tae was a free spirit. He wanted to explore all the possibilities in life and now we would share that life. 

"I'm trying to get a room on my own at the dorm so you can visit me often."  He says shyly and giggles. 

"I know what you mean Tae,"  I say hiding my face in his chest.

"I want to be with you always." He says with a pout.

"We have to get our own place.  I don't want to live in your parent's house.  That big house is scary."

"Okay let's get a little apartment.  We can decorate it however you want.  Close to the dorm so I can see you every night!"

I smiled at him. Tae didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to sleep on my own. I still hadn't told him about my nightmares or the reason I was able to sleep at night at my own house was that I slept with Yoongi. I didn't want to tell him yet so I was resigned to try my best. I wanted to feel comfortable with him again and not burden him further with all my emotional baggage.  

To complete our romantic night, we took a walk on the moonlit beach holding hands.  I felt so close to him emotionally.  Tae had always been the best friend that I told everything to.  He would stay up with me talking for hours when I couldn't sleep.  He had helped me too, not just Yoongi, and now look how much I have grown. I feel so brave just to be standing by the ocean and not be in a panic. Not that my skin isn't tingling nor my heart racing, but I'm actually enjoying it.  Tae turns to me to speak holding both my hands now.

"Jinny, I can't believe we've started our life together.  I really want to make you happy.  Please give me a chance." 

Looking up at him I think, although I am not over the moon, I really want to make it work. "Yes." I say, "I never dreamed we would get married so soon and so rushed.  Your family probably thinks I'm pregnant."

"I'm sorry it was so rushed. It wasn't my idea. My parents thought it would stop me from debuting.  They are trying to manipulate me as always."

"I'm sorry Tae. It's your life and you should decide what you want to do. You didn't even get a chance to propose to me."

"No. I'm sorry, but I do love you. I don't regret it. Our wedding was beautiful. I just wish you felt the same as I do."

"Still they rushed it. My parents did too. We were always poor and it was hard for my mom to raise me on her own. She jumped at the chance to marry me off to a rich husband.  Why couldn't they just let us make our own decisions?"

"Do people ever really feel ready for anything?  I think we just have to try and our marriage will work."  

We weren't brave enough to speak about the real problem between us.  The fact that I love another was a taboo subject on our honeymoon. But it was as tangible as the soft, warm waves that lap at our feet.