Something was coming. It had that foreboding feeling. A sense of dread accompanied it eerily similar to the countdown to final days to the Test. You did have finals approaching and there was a queasy feeling you felt embedded in you these days but that had more to do with your concerns regarding your grades with certain group members who were still slacking.

This other feeling was something different. It was a clenching in your gut that told you to be ready for something catastrophic.

Still, you had more things on your agenda that required your focus, so you put everything to the side in order to write the two papers that were due soon. That task was consuming enough to consume your time and actively involve your mind so as to preoccupy it from any other ominous predictions. That left you little time to socialize with both Jimri and Suho, the latter of whom you weren’t sure about anymore. It was an odd but accepting thing to think about but you’ve felt that your whatever with the good mannered boy evolving.

Nothing romantic, of course.

If anything, it was similar to the way you were with N. That familiar, friendly almost brotherly kind of thing but you still held N in high esteem if you were being perfectly honest. Trying not to compare or contrast the two, regardless, it was a nice feeling to have once more after such a long time with the closest semblance being your comradery with Hwangin. Not that you were trying to replace anyone. There were some people who were just irreplaceable.

That was why you couldn’t find yourself to get rid of the smaller more meaningful mementos from your past. But you had deluded yourself in thinking that it was by chance that you held on to certain things. So it was a self-inflicted torture you set yourself up for when you continued to keep N and the other boys’ letters unread. N had been the first to send his to you and it has long since been building up in numbers and mystery. That first letter had taken you by surprise but your wounds were relatively fresh at the time so you had set it aside though completely prepared to read it at a later time.

You’d been getting settled into your new apartment and your sister had forwarded your mail when the envelope arrived. You did plan on reading it. You really did. But that selfish part of you wanted them to share some of the blame of what happened even though they had no real part in the end. All you had to do was think about the stinted conversations with any of them that ended with awkward pauses littering the time you spent with them after the break-up. The looks of sadness and indecision in their eyes had become more and more apparent as the days swept by until all you saw was pity.

It may have been in your mind but you couldn’t help but question their motives in continuing to speak to you. Since you were young, when you had gotten into those fights of your early adolescence, your mind set had been of you and your family versus everyone else. The attacks on your family and Nunji had been particularly severe on your emotional and mental state. After a while, it was Leo, Jimri and the five boys who had joined your side of the nonexistent fight but after the breakup, you had simply deducted Leo and his friends. Pretty simple but hurt like a truck fell on you. So to fight this pain, you had closed yourself to the extent it was even more difficult to open up.

Your fault entirely.

But with how Suho had entered your life, you felt yourself lowering your wall increment by increment. Your outings with him had moved from the café to new locations as he had eagerly supported the change in scenery. Although he was the main contributor on the conversation side, you liked how quiet he could be whenever there was no need for talking. You both treated each other polite as can be but the familiarity was increasing on a scale that was reminiscent of you and the boys.

Sure, you and Suho had got along enough back in high school but it wasn’t as one-on-one like this. You two had been friendly but kept your distance with a larger distance separating you guys.

Well, as long as you were on this realization stint of your thoughts and feelings, you knew you may possibly-though-just-the-slightest-in-an-alternate-reality-perception have had feelings for Suho had you never met a certain someone. But as things were, you accepted nothing would ever become of these outings save for a tentative, budding and not to mention fragile friendship of sorts. That was on your end. His end, however, you had no idea. You didn’t know why he continued to meet with you.

Beyond that first conversation Leo had been brought up, Suho had never asked directly how things were between you and the soccer player. You knew N and the others regularly talked with Suho but you had no idea if Suho mentioned you to them. And you would never ask because there would be no point beyond satisfying your curiosity.

No, that would be lying to yourself. The real reason you didn’t ask about them directly was because you were scared of re-opening that door. The door that would mean addressing what happened with the people involved. If N was still the same as you remembered him, he would want to know why you had never returned the courtesy of writing back to him. Not in a direct manner. Nope. He would ask you in an inoffensive roundabout way. Ken, on the other hand, would ask you in a more straight forward way but not as forward as Ravi would be. Hongbin and Hyuk were the more quiet ones but you knew they were more liable to let the others speak of their shared hurt for them.

You knew all this. Well, you had a good feeling this was likely how things would go down. Who knows? They may completely switch roles and pull a 180 on you. But what you were really getting at is that you didn’t want to find out.

You were content learning about them through Suho. In a non-direct and tangent way.

Was it a healthy way? Or to put it in other words, was it a sane way? No, not at all.

It was completely unfair to them. And it did hurt you to do this to them. After all, they had been bystanders in your relationship with their friend. But it was so hard to distinguish them away from said friend. Just about impossible to do so, much less to attempt. Because you had tried to treat your friendship with the five boys as something completely binary from your relationship with Leo. It was more difficult than you could imagine simply because both connections had progressed at the same rate due to each other. You couldn’t have just one boy without the five others being included no matter who you chose specifically. That was how it worked.

With Suho, he had been an outlier that was connected just enough for you to be linked to them in a way that held more proximity. For the past two years, Jimri and, to an extent, Yoohyuk had served as such. Most of what those two have done was without you asking them and was more about them letting you know how things were going with what information they came across. Their information was usually secondhand while Suho’s was with the actual people and face-to-face interactions. The only thing was, is that Jimri and Yoohyuk felt it was an obligation to tell you anything they managed to garner.

In contrast, with Suho, you had to do more in order to retain some semblance of that relation. But it was entirely of your doing. Jimri wasn’t encouraging you to continue to meet with him. You were the one who chose to meet him here at this museum, browsing at all of these scientific discoveries as if they meant anything to you.

It was only his company that added to this visit. There was no way you would ever come here on your own.

“Did you want a souvenir, Mikyung?” he asked as you both neared the gift shop after some two hours of walking around the entire expansive building. You let your eyes scrutinize the trinkets in the display before shaking your head. He laughed, “Come on Mikyung. It’ll be my treat.” He walked right inside the store, leaving you only to sigh in his wake.

He liked buying things. For you and anyone else. Was it last weekend? He asked you to pick out some scarf for Jimri just because. He also urged you to get something for yourself as well. His exact words being ‘he didn’t want to leave you out.’ So now, you and Jimri had couple scarves. Suho had laughed at that when you grabbed random scarves of the same brand and color. And it was this easy going personality that made you actually semi-enjoy being around him and going along with whatever suggestions he makes. Like going to the science museum that only reminded you of a school trip of sorts.

You thought of leaving him multiple times in the middle of whatever endeavor or excursion he convinced/persuaded you in attending. You’ll be honest in admitting as much. Those urges had more to do with just how much his presence took you back to high school. Like now. You could imagine the younger guys following after Suho into the shop and begging him to buy them souvenirs of their own. You could vividly see them just as much as you could picture a certain someone just leading you right out the building and leaving the boys on their own.

You followed Suho into the shop in the end. Where he bought you a small enough snow globe that was not very ostentatious save for the theme of aliens and glitter…

It was after lunch at a nearby café when he dropped a bomb. He had buttered you up enough to convince you to spend the late lunch with him. You had let him drum up whatever topics he wanted since you knew he would never let you pay for the food so you felt you owed it to him to spend a bit more time with him. And at that point, you both had finished your warm drinks.

“I was thinking we can invite N or Ken on our next outing.” He gave you an innocent smile that you didn’t believe. “Maybe even both since Leo is booked next week and I’m pretty sure they won’t be going to his games this time.”

All day there had been something off with him despite your earlier musings. Unlike his usual unassuming self, he had constantly brought up his friends as a ruse of some kind. He would mention how Kyungsoo was a stargazer or how Baekhyun and Chanyeol belonged on another planet. You didn’t mind topics like this as it was easy to ignore but you could easily identify the tone he uses as one in which he wanted you make connections with your old schoolmates. It was the higher pitch he ended his ‘observations’ with that made you think he wanted you to react in some way. Whether it be to comment about how Hongbin was the stargazer or that Ken needed an entire galaxy of his own. He had been urging you to bring them up and setting up the topics accordingly.

You didn’t want to say he remained frustrated but he really was frustrated or at least, he was getting there. Throughout the entire time you’ve spent with him, he had not once brought up inviting them on your outings with each other.

And because of that, you knew he finally knew. They finally told him.

You held his eyes as his own reached out for the truth or at least some form of confirmation. You blinked and he was looking down at the table.

Feeling that he deserved it, you spoke, “I’d rather not see them.”

His eyebrows furrowed in concern as he gaped at you. “What?”

You let out a small sigh, “When did they tell you?”

He blinked. “What?”

Playing aloof didn’t suit him or it could be the fact that you are the one willingly asking the questions this time that was throwing him off. “Are you mad I didn’t tell you?” you asked instead.

He opened his mouth as if to deny everything you were alluding to. But that wouldn’t go well. At this point, he knew you a little enough to know there was no point in playing off the way he had been acting the whole day. “Uh,” he cleared his throat. “Well, I will admit I am confused.” He almost pouted, “I was wondering why you hadn’t told me you’d lost contact with them.”

“I didn’t lose contact.” You bluntly told him, their unread letters brought to the forefront of your mind.

“I could easily have given you their phone num--bers,” He was caught off guard by your admission. “Huh?”

“Is that what they said?” If so, they were as kind as you remembered them to be.

“Leo said—,” he started but your sudden intake of breath was loud enough for him to hear you making him stop speaking. “Mikyung?”

You blinked. He had been the one to tell Suho? You had thought it was N or Ken all this time.

“Mikyung? What’s wrong? Is it the tea?” He cast a wary glance at the mug you were clutching like it was your last lifeline.

Getting over the surprise, your eyes narrowed, “What did he say?”

Poor boy. Suho looked so confused now but played it off with a nervous chuckle. “Well. Leo said that you all had been busy with your dreams and that things had been put on hold. For the time being.” There was your scowl. And Suho only stared. “Is there something else I’m missing? Something I’m not getting?”

So, so much, you wanted to say but you couldn’t find it in you to verbalize it. What the heck was He on? How could He say that?

You slumped down in your chair.

Suho’s admission being repeated in your head. And to add to this revelation there was also what you had read in that interview of His.

“Mikyung?” You opened your eyes at the alarm in Suho’s voice and your gaze pierced through him.

Sitting properly in your chair, you considered your options but the way Suho was staring at you made you stay. You didn’t want to hurt him as he had been caught in the middle. Never mind the fact that you had placed him in such a precarious position in the first place. But he didn’t deserve this.

It was all on Him.

“We broke up.”

“Oh?”

Deciding you had to be straight to the point, you gave a definitive nod. “In third year.”

Suho blinked owlishly, “Wait. What?”

Your narrowed eyes remained on him, assessing if his reactions were truly genuine. “You really didn’t know?”

His eyes widened with his hand held out defensively, “Well, Minhyuk did mention something akin to that before.” Of course Annoying Boy would. “But I hadn’t taken him seriously considering he liked you. Uh, I mean,” he looked flustered by his words but you waved off his concern regarding that. “Besides him, no one had mentioned your unfortunate separation,” he gave you a sheepish smile when you scoffed.

You grunted but acquiesced that this did make sense. If those boys had not told their friends of the breakup, then they kept it a secret of sorts. Or a non-admission at least.

“When we did get together third year and you were absent, I do remember asking after you.” His smile had returned but questions remained floating in his irises. “And they merely said you couldn’t make it.”

Even if his words were right, you still couldn’t believe Suho had been as clueless as he claims to be. Up until this point in your acquaintance with him, he should have at least been wary with you considering you two didn’t have much to build on in the first place. You hadn’t really believed he was totally clueless because the breakup had been so monumental to you but that was probably your self-centeredness rearing its ugly head. If something so huge and colossal had happened to you, it must surely been recognizable or at least noticeable. Or had you just constructed such a binding mask? So stupid and selfish of you to think that people should know what’s under the mask when you did all you could to make sure no one found out or even got a sliver.

Or did you just look taken? Was that the kind of impression you gave? You had to think about that more later on.

The fact that Suho chose now to invite N and Ken out with you two was something else that had been on your pending obstacle list. You had thought over all kinds of scenarios and what your response should be in case Suho became spontaneous and sneaky so as to invite people on your need-to-avoid list. There had been emergency back up plans put into place that included news of an unfortunate incident concerning Jimri or a sudden important paper popping up that needed your attention.

These precautions were deservingly necessary in your eyes no matter how ludicrous it came off when your rational mind came into place. But it was your less rational and more self-preservation side that found the necessity for such frivolous but still functional plans.

Because those five guys were linked to Him in such a way that you knew the final decision in accepting them all back into your life would also be allowing Him back in as well. The only alternative being turning them all away forever. And like you mentioned before, you can’t have a select few without the others. It really fit them; the cliché saying in reference to them: all for one and one for all. Like a non-refundable deal.

But your mind was against that admittance. You were afraid of letting them in and things not working out. Again. Or even going through an even more heart breaking separation from them. You didn’t think you would ever be the same again if that were ever to happen. And yet, it was that nostalgic part of you that desired to feel whole once again with you reuniting with them as the focal point.

There had been countless times when you felt you needed their presence or comfort. Whether it be choosing a college with their input so you guys wouldn’t be too far apart. Or merely having plans on the weekends that would force you out of your apartment on a more spontaneous schedule. Wanting company during the time you had missed your family so much even Jimri wasn’t enough. There were so many possibilities with the potential to bring you so much ease and .relief when you wanted them around you with the security they provided.

You had been using Suho in that regard as well. You may as well get that out now. He had been a faux friend until he actually kind of maybe became one. If it took you so long to realize Jimri was a friend, Suho wasn’t going to be getting a shortcut.

Though it wasn’t right to be using the guy like this but it was always that undertone in your time together that gave you an inkling that he was well aware of this: you using him. Because he very well could be using you too. You just didn’t know, or care, to figure it out. He had done satisfactorily well in keeping out of your business up until now and you had paid him the same courtesy. Until he no longer wasn’t.

As punishment for him, and maybe you too, you turned down the offer. It was the only thing you could do to ward off any and all confrontations you desperately wanted to avoid. And that also meant discontinuing your time with Suho.

That was just you being your y self too for both your preservation and conservation.

Following a stiff and formal separation with Suho, after answering as best you could his questioning, you didn’t reply to his request for a second meeting later on in the night. For all you knew, he had immediately asked the source directly for confirmation of all that you told him. And that only ironed your resolve to let it go as best you could as well as condone your actions for what you blindly decided to do and what already transpired.

Damn your love for them all.