“How about we just freestyle it?”

“No.”

“No way.”

“We have to plan this carefully since it’s a major part of our grade. Right Mikyung?”

You sighed before nodding. That was obvious so this discussion was pointless. Rather irresponsible of the person to suggest winging it in the first place.

“Fine. Then what’s the plan? Who will handle what?”

It wasn’t until much later did the group meeting end and you were asked to get drinks with one of the guys. He didn’t get any answer from you as the others included themselves in on the outing he most likely proposed with only you in mind. By now, they knew better than to expect an appearance from you so you did your part and left them behind without another word.

Since this group meeting was the last thing on your schedule, you walked in the direction of the nearest bus stop, prepared to go home and watch a movie to forget your troubles. With the bus stop in sight, you felt your phone vibrate in your jacket pocket. Figuring it was either Nunji or Jimri, you pulled the phone out from your pocket.

It was Jimri. You read her text before getting on the bus.

Considering stopping somewhere to eat, you thought about how much money you brought with you as you tapped your transportation card on the sensor. There were no seats open so you had no choice but to stand up to hold a rail but since your stop was only two away, it was no problem. At the next stop, a seat became open and you were urged to take it by some stranger. He was adamant about it but you ignored him and maneuvered your way around him to get closer to the door. You pulled the string to announce your wish to get off at the next stop while leaving him sputtering.

It was with a composed mindset did you exit the bus. You had to wait for it to pull away before crossing the street while feeling eyes staring at you out the window of the bus. You were well aware that what you just did was rude but you found such rudeness a strong discourager for advances, friendly or otherwise.

Once in your apartment, you went through the motion of tossing your bag away and getting started on a pick me up snack. You were only planning on relaxing this evening before you had to do some readings but you usually did that just before bed. So for the next few hours, you binged watched a new show Hwangin had recommended you. It was an English show that you understood for the better part without subtitles but still had the subtitles programmed on.

Dinner, you decided to order in. That decision was largely based on your refusal to leave the TV show at a cliffhanger. You ordered a simple meal that saved you with enough for some leftovers for lunch tomorrow. It was going well until you started in on your readings.

Earlier, you had just tossed your bag onto the floor beside your bed and when you went to get out your notes from the class the reading was for, you saw the newspaper peeking out. You stared at it for a second before nudging it back underneath completely out of view.

The article on him was still unread but you were familiar with the picture now thanks to your consciousness scrutinizing it for any differences to the way you remembered him and how he looked in that photo. His hair was shorn closer to his head and you recognized his expression as a nonchalant one. Even his moustache had a faint outline that you had become familiar with in third year so that was still there even though the photo was black and white and you really had to look for it to see it. You didn’t like that your mind registered these but you couldn’t force yourself not to do that. It was simply pointless to berate yourself for doing so but that didn’t stop you from doing it anyway sadly.

The fact that he had given an interview for an article to be written spoke volumes about his confidence not that you had read a single word. The fact of the matter was under your bed. You weren’t sure you were ever going to read it but you were unwilling to throw it away. Your feelings were all over the place and you didn’t like it one bit. Sure, you were secure enough to recognize that but not enough to do anything about alieving them.

It was just there and you were willing to keep it there. You had no real concrete reason to do that but you were. It would be your secret. Though, Nunji would most likely know or suspect something since she was the one who graciously pushed you in a direction you did not want to traverse.

It was the little things that mattered in the end.

As you settled into bed after completing your reading and adding to your notes, your mind let loose and you were unable to do anything but go through whatever thought or memory it dredged up. It was only when you woke up did you realize you had fallen into a dreamless state. That was one of the comforting and grateful things you had come to appreciate because sometimes your dreams were something you’d rather not deal with. Regrettably, you were not a lucid dreamer so you had no control where your dreams led but it was only when you didn’t recall them or there was nothing to recall did you feel uplifted.

When a text came in from your friend as you got on the bus did you remember you hadn’t replied to her text yesterday. It wasn’t a big deal but you still felt a twinge of discomfort for forgetting. After all, you hated when your texts went not responded to or even worse, unread. So you quickly replied back as if the speed you did so would reassure Jimri that you hadn’t forgotten her or anything. Even if you did.

‘There’s another volleyball tournament that we were invited to.’

You were about to type a denial when another text came in.

‘Doona won’t be there.’

That changed things. Not that your former teammate was a bad person to have around. But your last encounter with her led to the emergence of a lot of unwanted things. So you typed the opposite of what you were about to send.

A smiley face was her reply.

It wasn’t until later in the day did she do the same as before by sending you the information of the tournament. It would be held on the fringe of the city but you were in good enough of a mood to believe you wouldn’t mind the distance. You would just have to take the train and transfer a few times. You were no stranger to traveling on your own so far a distance since you had often done it to get to his away games.

You blinked as that went through your mind. No. You shouldn’t be thinking like that though it wasn’t false but it felt wrong. That stupid newspaper and Doona had you redoing the progress you’d been making. But that was rather pathetic considering you had two years to get over him and you were still having problems now.

You shook your head. You needed better control if anything and that was on you though you suspected you had to vent whatever emotions were building within you. That called for a night out or in with Jimri and a few bottles of your favorite drink. You could either propose it to her straight or wait until she does it for you.

Figuring on the latter, you crossed your arms as you walked up the steps to your destination. The lecture hall was in this particular building and you liked getting to class at least five minutes early so you could take your usual seat. In that first semester, there were guys who purposely took your seat to get your attention which only had you thinking the worst of them. Most likely the total opposite of what they were gunning for but now, they and you knew better. As a third year, you had seniority over the majority of those you shared classes with and those who were in your year or above were familiar with the walls you built. You were a few bricks short of a man hating club and the opposite was well aware of that. At least those who knew better.

You still had those surprise advances from a few who were unable to accept you didn’t want any of their attention but they found that out soon after bothering you. They just didn’t do anything for you. Sure, a few of the guys were good looking or their reputation preceded them, whether it was good or bad. But nothing about them interested you. That bastard ruined everything. You were still hung up on him but there had been weak times where you considered doing uncharacteristic advances of your own but by then, your pride switched on and prevented any possible regrettable actions. You would never stoop so low as to use someone to get over another. No. That was beneath you and whatever integrity you figured you had.

One thing you knew was that you were not saving yourself or love for him. You were not holding onto some misplaced belief that you would ever get back together with him. Nope. You were positive about that. It’s just that he was your first love. As sad as it is to admit, Sanghyun wasn’t even a contender for that title. It was all on your recent ex. Your feelings ran too deep for him and you were stuck. That much was obvious.

It was letting life run its course and moving on that you were doing. It was a slow pace but the current had been pretty consistent and you were sure you would get there. You just didn’t know what it was that would give you that final push.

When the lecture ended, you found a table deserted enough that you could eat your lunch at. You thought nothing of it when a group of girls sat at the other end of the table but when they conversed in hush whispers in a familiar gossiping way, they got your attention. One was discreetly looking at you and met your eyes. She quickly diverted said wandering eyes that were looking rather judgmental. She then whispered to her friends but you were now onto whatever they were saying. So you took to outright staring at them and made sure you caught whoever dared to look at you.

Honestly. You thought you got past this after what happened in your third year. It was highly stupid that such behavior carried over into college.

The girls appeared cowed by your acquired attention and they weren’t brave enough to call you out on anything though you had believed them to do that since they were in a group and all. Such people found encouragement in outnumbering an individual so it was a slight surprise when none of them confronted you about whatever it was about you that drew their unwanted consideration of your existence. You finished your lunch when they left but not without a few dirty looks.

You sighed. You really thought you had left such incidents behind you. And you didn’t recognize any of them though that wasn’t very informative considering you outright cut off such recognition beyond who your groupmates were since they were required for a grade. You didn’t even know who you worked with last semester for a partnership project. All you knew was that it was a girl who was as reluctant to work with you as you were with her. At least she hadn’t sabotaged your presentation like you knew she was tempted to do but you both got an excellent grade. So that was that. Who knows? She might have even been in that group of girls just now.

These girls were a mystery you didn’t even want to bother with. So you wouldn’t. Unless they were stupid enough to start something with you. That’s when you would really get involved.

Geez, you scoffed mentally. You sounded like such a delinquent. Already getting ready for a fight or an altercation of sorts. But you got tired of such things real quick especially with any rumors landing in front of distinguished people who may play a role in securing a job or giving a recommendation for you in the future.

You dumped your trash and walked out the door. Your next class would be starting soon and you needed the distraction right now so you wouldn’t be in the mood to jump someone.

The rest of the day was a welcome commotion. You answered a few questions even and ultimately gave false hope to the guy who asked them. You’d have to cut him down or better, cut him off but that could be done next class.

In your apartment, your sister and friend texted you at the same time. An odd occurrence but welcoming. Nunji’s was about Mieun and another picture of another drawing she demanded her mother to send you. That got you warm and fuzzy as it did actually look like the flower she announced it was. You set the picture as your wallpaper before moving on to Jimri’s text. It was an invitation for lunch tomorrow. On your campus at the same café like always. You accepted it and set a time after your classes to meet with her

When that time came, she got right down to it.

“One of our old classmates is asking about you.” She looked straight into to your eyes like this was dire information. When you only took a sip of your drink with no reactions to her news, her frown broke through her earnest expression. “Kyungie? Did you hear me?”

You nodded and that got you a frown.

“It’s a guy.”

When your blank eyes didn’t stray from hers she place her hands on the table next to her mocha espresso whatever. Today she had made you order for the both of you and you barely got out her order to the too friendly waiter. She then leaned forward with her hands braced against the surface of the table. “Yoohyuk told me that this guy had a big crush on you forever and that he wants to reach out to you now that he’s out of the military.”

When you sighed as you played with your straw, a wince was drawn from her. “Kyungie? Um, uh,” she was stuttering now. “It was Ken.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from letting out the snort of laughter when you heard that. You really didn’t mean to let it out but when Jimri blinked at you a couple of times before giggling you laughed more than was really needed. And you basked in the ambience of the moment of you laughing with her. Even if she was serious, you knew that Ken wasn’t serious about whatever confession he gave Yoohyuk.

If anything, it was a ploy to get you back into their lives. After all, you knew the effects military service had on guys. Or at least an idea about it considering your dad and Hwangin served or continued to serve. And when in service, the guys thought over their lives and choices they made. They lamented, regretted and pushed on with the idea to right whatever wrongs they feel they must. Suho had told you Ken had gotten done with his service not too long ago so that guess was highly plausible.

That confession was definitely a confession of sorts but it was not romantic. Ken would never do that to his friends.

After all of these years, you were fully confident in that.

And like whatever confession you received, save for two, you would turn it down.