“Mikyung.” That was the telling sign that all was not good. Not Mikyungie, Kyungie or even Mimi. That last one had crossed many lines in annoyance and was often borrowed from Nunji. It was the favorite of Ken’s nicknames for you whenever he wanted to get a reaction from you or was in a playful mood. Which he clearly wasn’t right now. Understandable.

It has been years of silence.

“Hello Mikyung.” And then there was the neutrality in N’s tone. One he rarely ever used. The one he only used with the complete strangers that he couldn’t strike up a conversation with. “How have you been?” And he was using the formal tone with informal speech.

It was already so awkward and they hadn’t even sat down yet.

So, only for them, did you gesture for them to sit down. Meaning they had to pull up chairs to the table meant for two that you chose only because you had naively thought it was just going to be two of you for this particular lunch.

With your knees bumping into them, you kept your eyes on the table as they settled in. And you didn’t have to lift your eyes to know that both Suho and N were the ones smiling awkwardly while Ken would look a bit more serious. And you knew that they were all appraising you. Not the same way most guys appraised you. No. These three men wouldn’t look at you like that.

“So, Mikyungie,” Suho started but you couldn’t find it in you to see the reassuring smile he was sending you. The same smile he was also shooting toward his two friends since he knew that he had been the instigator of this meeting so he now had the responsibility of going through with this plan he deviously devised. “I wanted to know if you would like to,” he was cut off by the timely arrival of the waiter.

“Uh, hello everyone,” it didn’t take the waiter long to get a clue on the current situation. “Did you maybe want to move to a larger table?” he asked rather tentatively.

Suho was most likely smiling at the waiter but this time it was surely a strained smile. He knew just how important this meeting was. All four of you knew. And Suho was the responsible one so he was the one to turn down the suggestion. “No thanks, but can you start us all off with water and lemon. Please.” He didn’t forget his manners at least. But it was the unusual of him to order for you all without asking and that was a lack of courtesy you would not expect of him. Very unusual due to his genuine and generous personality. And even though you had not known him that long, you knew he would never order just water. This was a giveaway in just how serious he was taking this and how he didn’t want to linger on unnecessary pleasantries.

“Right.” The waiter was fortunate to escape.

“I hope water is okay with you all.” Suho found it in him to say though you knew N and Ken most likely noticed the change in demeanor in him.

“It’s fine,” N answered but, in your ears, he sounded a bit more warmer toward his friend. Of course he would be but it didn’t hurt any less that you could easily tell the difference in tone compared to the way he addressed you just moments ago. But it was something you brought upon yourself given the way you had cut off contact with them. It was to be expected he wouldn’t act chummy with you since the last time you saw each other was years ago. But there was still that part in you that figured they still considered you a friend. Sure, you were a friend that expurgated such a precious friendship but they still felt something that was at least amicable otherwise they wouldn’t be here willing to see you.

“And you Mikyungie?” Suho asked you directly.

You were about to resort to your soundless shrug of your shoulders but you surprised yourself when you finally lifted your head and gave him a smile. “It’s fine Suho.”

In the corner of your eye, you saw a hand clench.

It was Ken’s hand. But that was as far as you were willing to look.

“Ken?” Suho asked as he went around the cramped table to ask after the fourth presence.

It was silence that greeted you all. One you were familiar with but wary of being on the receiving end of. It was only fitting that you would be put in your place with a tactic you had abused many a time with many a people. Too fitting.

“Ken?” N both cautioned and inquired after. You had yet to look at either men aside from Suho and it only dawned on you that they would be here with motives of their own. You probably were about to be on the given an admonishing and/or lashing talking to. For leaving them out to dry and refusing to respond to their constant signals for peace. It probably wasn’t going to be about them reaching out to you but for closure or maybe even to warn you away from digging your claws into their precious friend. Said friend had probably told them about seeing you and you running away. They might have even seen the familiar sight of your back departing the scene that fateful day.

“Mikyungie.”

Your mind ceased its ponderings and met the eyes of the mood maker of the group. The person who had probably been the most successful in getting you to talk on more than one occasion.

“Yes?”

When your eyes met his, it was akin to the way you had looked into his friend’s eyes just the other day. The devastation from your separation from more than just one comfort was brought to the forefront of your mind. The loss had been mutual.

You were frozen in your seat as the sun shined uselessly upon you for you felt the lack of warmth from the star as well as from the gaze that pierced you. Ken was not an angry person. He was sulky but rarely did such an aggressive emotion so much as emit from him. But it was true anger in his eyes that he perceived you from.

Understandable. Heart wrenchingly so.

“You’re talking.”

“I am.”

“Consistently.”

“Yes.”

There was a pause as you let the emotion in his eyes consume you. It was not unlike the trance his friend’s eyes had on you. It had a frightening effect on your psyche.

“You’ve changed.”

Your voice was shaky but you still answered, “Yes.”

“Hm.”

“Ken,” N’s voice broke through the tension. Not to save you from suffocating in it. Not at all. It was in concern for his friend.

A scary smile flashed across Ken’s lips. “Hm?”

N didn’t seem to know what to make of it. “Don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

N flinched as he looked down at the table. “Don’t. He’s…” when he trailed off, he left heaviness in its place. Because you all knew just who he was talking about. But Ken wanted to be sure. Either that or he probably wanted to hurt you.

“Who? Leo?”

Your hands clenched in your lap and it didn’t take an idiot to notice the movement. All three of them were watching you.

“He won’t be happy.”

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t tell him about this.”

“I didn’t agree to that.”

“Oh?”

You didn’t know what to make of what they were saying. They had planned this out. Your little reunion with them. And they had expectations.

“So, because of Leo we don’t do anything.”

“What? No-,” N sputtered with a glance at you sitting less than a meter away.

“It’s because of Leo we’ve done nothing.”

It was your turn to flinch.

You didn’t miss the way N’s eyes stuck on your for a brief second. “Ken! That’s not what I meant.”

“Well, now is the time to let it all out isn’t it? We don’t have to wonder anymore about what if’s or should’ve-would’ve-could’ve’s. Everyone present is needed except a few others who aren’t here. And excluding Suho,” he sent an apologetic glance at his friend caught in the middle. “Leo’s not here because neither of you wanted to invite him. Ravi, Hongbin and Hyukie aren’t here because they can’t be.”

You let his voice wash over you. He could have been cussing at you, demeaning you to nothing or even growling at you but it wouldn’t take away from the fact that both he and N were seated closely to you. You refused to dilute their presence with your shortcomings as far as being a crappy friend was concerned. Instead, you chose to sit there and let them have you.

“It’s not like that.” N sent you another glance and you really did your best to meet his eyes but as much as you wanted to be present with them, your guilt made you drop his gaze.

“Well, I can’t wait for them to get out of the military any longer than I can wait for Leo to get over himself. Which is why we’re here, isn’t it?”

“We’re here,” N was now using his diplomatic voice. The one he reserved when he spoke on behalf of everyone as the eldest. “For only us two. And we decided not to ask Leo,” his eye searched for yours once again, whether it was to gage your reaction to his name or for generous reassurance he didn’t mean you no harm, you didn’t know, “because one, he has an away game. Two, because I don’t want to push things too far too fast. And most importantly, we shouldn’t ambush Mikyung like that. She’s,” he dropped his tone. “We’ve all been through a lot.”

The silence that followed hallowed you. And humbled you a great deal. His words were spoken as a true leader. One who thought of everyone before himself

You ducked your head at the weight of his words and consideration. There was just no way you deserved what little he was offering because it was more than you ever anticipated; it was more than enough.

You cleared your throat.

You now had their absolute attention so you took a breath in before beginning, “I…I would like to offer my apologies.” Your father’s commanding voice echoed dimly in your mind in order to control the emotions that were desperate to leak into your voice. You were speaking formally because you felt it was what they deserved and Ken stiffened in his seat. “For the way things were,” you gritted your teeth before decreasing the power in your jaw to continue getting the words out but with the way your mind was in a whirlwind, you had to prioritize certain feelings to relay. “For the way things were left.”

“Mikyung?” N asked cautiously almost timidly.

“I didn’t want that.” Your head dropped down until your chin was settled all the way down. As a result, your tone dropped but you could still be heard. “I didn’t want to hurt you. Any of you.” Your eyes clenched. “But I did.”

A pregnant pause followed the mini declarations of yours.

“We know that.” Ken broke more than the silence. The breath you took in was a shuddering one.

“Why haven’t you answered any our letters?”

A sob broke through and you felt Suho put his arm around you. “Mikyungie?” But it was an awkward motion for comfort because he had to reach across the table to do so.

N sounded alarmed at your reaction to his question, “Mikyung?”

“Uh, Ken? Can we switch seats?” Suho asked as he squeezed your shoulder before his contact was gone. Doing your best to control yourself, you took another quaking breath in. It wasn’t fair of you to act like this in front of them. There was no justification for you to break down like this when they were more deserving of a reasonable explanation for your malicious silence. But the more you thought about it, to draw enough strength to answer the question, you couldn’t.

Suho was soon kneeling down next to you and he grabbed your hand. You had to condition yourself in not snatching it away from him. You weren’t the one he should comfort.

“Mikyung?” your name sounded much closer and it was on your left side where N was seated. The hesitancy was still there in the way he pronounced your name and you couldn’t take it.

After containing all of the unscrupulous things you did to them, you were breaking and through those cracks were the pent up discontent that you felt toward them, no matter how small that sliver may be, but exponentially more than that, was the revulsion directed at yourself and your choices.

Suho pulled up another chair to the already crowded table and pulled you more into his arms. He shouldn’t be comforting you. It was wrong of him to be doing this and it was even more wrong for you to be letting him do this to you.

“Suho, can you give us a moment?” N asked, there was a harder edge in his voice and that took you off guard. You opened your eyes and drew back from the position you were resting your head on Suho’s shoulder. You meekly met N’s eyes and he was glaring at Suho. Blinking at his almost hostile expression, you noticed the slight changes in the suddenly aged face of Cha Hakyeon. He’s changed; there was a clear definition in the lines of his face, almost sculpture-like. And then he met your eyes and his expression immediately softened. “Mikyungie, are you okay?”

Wincing, you felt the wonder in the changes in his appearance fade. You gave a nod while dropping your eyes away from his.

“Are you sure?” Suho asked as he peered into your face. His eyes sought yours and you gave the same weak nod in answer while still finding it hard to catch your breath.

“Give us three a moment, Suho.” Ken repeated his friend’s request, only it had a touch of steel contained in it.

Suho stiffened next to you. “You want me to leave?” He was mainly asking you.

Remaining downcast, your mind was doing an impression of a Ferris wheel in its endless path of going in circles but you knew that Suho wasn’t supposed to be here. You shouldn’t have him playing defense for you like this. He shouldn’t be interfering in this confrontation because he wasn’t there. He wasn’t ditched by you or ignored by you on countless occasions. He didn’t go to the same school as you nor was he in any of your classes. He didn’t spend a myriad of lunches with you all those years ago. He had no idea of how many people were in your family. He never made Mieun laugh nor did he tag team you and your ex with Nunji.

He shouldn’t be here. And it hurt you to nod again in answer to his question.

“Oh.” One syllable that was a sting directly on your person because you knew he only had your best intentions in mind. But he wasn’t the only one. No matter what you did to hurt them, you were absolutely sure that neither of the two men Suho would be leaving you with would have ill objectives in getting you alone. And he wouldn’t be Suho if he didn’t try to make light of the situation. “So this is for the 2-B class, right?”

“Pretty much,” N had a small sad smile on.

Ken was silent and you could feel his eyes on you. Burning right through you in an inferno you often compared his contagious bright personality as being. It would make sense that the intensity his lively persona be shadowed and reflected in his feelings of opposite nature.

Suho stood up and moved both of his chairs from the table. “I’ll just be a call away,” With no other word following the information/warning, he removed himself from the café.

Silence reigned over the table.

Still trying to compose yourself, you did your best to think of a composite and resolute response for the burning question. But it all burned down to feelings you didn’t want to think yourself capable of in relation of the break up. The hurt was the one prevailed but also treachery in loyalty. You didn’t like that things had got to the point where they picked their friend over the fragility found in your own friendship with them. And you held them to that. You couldn’t separate a person from the group without the memories accompanied when they all happened collectively.

So in order to take care of your mentality and the loner in you, foolish unnecessary choices had to be made. And in a way, your friendship could have been cultivated individually had you responded to the letters but at that point when you received the letters, you couldn’t respond to them. You tried to compose a letter of your own to each of them explaining why you were unable to give them what they were asking for. You hadn’t absolved them for letting you go.

“I’m sorry.” N seemed like he was the better composed of you three which made sense. “Mikyungie, I’m sorry for leaving you alone.”

Ken made sure you were looking at him though it did take a while for you to bring yourself to do so, “I’m sorry for blaming you.”

It was another moment before you let them hear your voice, “I’m sorry for not forgiving you.”

~~~~~

Jimri was mad. A very rare occurrence to be had due to her usual gentle personality. She may even be jealous which she admitted as much after you explained what had occurred hours ago.

You both were in your apartment and she had got there in less than five minutes after your call to her. And you never called her for just anything which was something understood between the two of you. Suspecting the urgency, she came in with her own key while you had been setting snacks and drinks out for her arrival, though the drinks were all non-alcoholic. No need for you to be inebriated as you forced yourself to relay the events of an unexpected reunion.

So she came in, she sat and opened the nearest cola bottle next to her. You had already been thinking about how to tell her before you even called her so you immediately started the tale.

She listened with the intensity of a concerned friend until she was an angry friend. You had to stop her from calling Suho and giving his ear a pounding for setting you up the way he did. That made you fear for him because Jimri may be as unforgiving as you which was a scary thought.

Preventing her from taking it out on Suho had surprised you both but ultimately, you knew it wasn’t his fault even if he had invited both N and Ken rather than being coerced into it. From the way Jimri reacted, it wouldn’t be smart to disallow the notion that it all had been orchestrated by Suho since she had jumped to that conclusion first. You trusted Jimri’s observance in characters she brought around you and that trust extended to her judge in a person’s personalities. So if she found fault in Suho, he was to be faulted but you knew from what you’ve learned about him that he thought that this would help you. If not, then he was a douchebag that needed to be cut from your life but you were willing to bet that it wasn’t his intent to be malevolent.

Suho had a healing personality that put a person at ease and he also had the steely personality that necessitated him to push healing on a person whether they wanted it or not. That much you had got from your time with him.

“What are you going to do?”

In answer to her question, you reached behind you to grab your jacket. She watched as you pulled out a couple of crumpled napkins. From the pile, you pulled out two of them and pushed them to her.

“No,” she gasped before gaping down at the two phone numbers.

You sighed before nodding in confirmation.

“You accepted them?” A nod from you followed her question.

“Did you add them to your phone?” Another nod but with a second of hesitation. She held her hand out and you already knew what she was asking as you placed your phone in her palm. She closed her fingers around your hand before you could pull it away and then she added her other hand on top of it, firmly holding your hand prisoner. “You know what you’re asking for by doing this, right Kyungie?”

Her eyes were boring into yours with such a fire that you became wary. But she wasn’t there when Ken had finally given you a genuine smile after your heart to heart with them.

“I understand what could happen.”

She released your hand as she pushed in your code into your phone and scanned your recent additions to your contacts list. “So you did update their contacts. Hm.” Her eyes darted here and there following the swipes of her finger. “Are you going to let them text you first?”

That burning ember was still encased within her eyes as she looked up at you for your answer.

At your shrug, her gaze intensified. “Kyungie.”

“I want to catch up with them first.” You held her gaze before looking pointedly under your bed.

Realization dawned in her eyes before she gave you a sad smile. “I see.” She slouched in her posture that she held for the past thirty minutes or so. Knowing she had somewhat relaxed and let the tension go, you sighed. You had almost been scared of her reaction but you were thankful that she hadn’t exploded. You were already on the brink and it would be counterproductive should you both detonate.

“Let’s go eat.” She stood up after tossing your phone in your lap. “I’m sure you’re exhausted from the day and you need to keep your energy up. And no drinking tonight.” She walked over to your refrigerator and scanned its contents. “Good. Nothing.”

You rolled your eyes as you got up from your own kneeling position. It took about a minute for the feelings to be regained in your lower body but you were quick to throw your jacket on. Your keys were already in your pocket so as you were about to your phone in the other pocket, the other napkins fell out.

And they conveniently fell face up so you were about to kick them under your desk but Jimri had been observing you from the door where she had been waiting for you. “What’s that Mikyungie?”

You shrugged but she was already walking over. Feeling that it was a lost cause, you gave up in hiding it and instead took her place near the door to wait for her.

“So popular. And with your eyes bloodshot too?” Jimri smirked at you. “Who was it? The waiter? A guy on the bus who noticed your sadness and wanted to make you feel better?”

You scoffed before opening the door and exiting the apartment.