Word count : ~2.3k

Pairing           : Sehun×Luhan

Summary      : Luhan meets Sehun again after years.

 

 

Luhan can’t understand.

 

At first, it felt like he was dreaming with both of his eyes open. After two years and two months of not seeing Sehun in person, he suddenly questions everything he had known. The moment he saw Sehun standing in front of him, it felt like he was seeing someone he knew from books, or someone he used to be with in his previous life.

 

It was as if all of the memories and feelings Luhan tried to forget are coming at him all at once like high, raging tides.

 

In all honesty, it really was just a usual day. Luhan was nervous about his flight to Tokyo, yet he went with it anyway for the magazine photo-shoot that had paid him a good sum of cash in advance. He arrived at five pm, and because he didn’t eat anything back in Beijing, he felt so hungry. And somehow his feet just brought him naturally to the ramen shop that had been his healing place for years.

 

It really never crossed his mind that he would meet Sehun in the streets of Tokyo, in the same ramen shop they used eat together at whenever they were in the city. It never really crossed his mind that he would meet Sehun again, at all. He’s already used to think that he and Sehun are not in the same world, in the same space.

 

But it’s been a full minute of silence, and here Sehun is, staring right back at him, with equally perplexed look on his face.

 

He had expected Sehun to look away, to pretend like he never knew him, or maybe throw him an uninterested look, but Sehun just had to blink at him innocently before a small grin blooms on his lips.

 

He should’ve been happy. After all he had missed the other so much although he never wanted to admit it. Somehow pretending to never knew anyone named Oh Sehun seemed like the right thing to do to cope with his loneliness. But in the end, he feels overwhelmingly troubled inside.

 

“Luhan,” Sehun calls gently.

 

And the yearning spreads from his heart to every corner of his body.

 

=

 

They end up eating at the same table.

 

Sehun looks seemingly different than the one he remembers dearly in his mind. Sehun used to be a kid who just couldn’t stay still. He’d either tap his foot rapidly or look around him unknowingly, his lips in process. He’d comment at whatever Luhan does. Without any proper reason he’d tease Luhan for anything he can find. He’d joke here and there and would make Luhan laugh because of his witty statements. But Sehun in front of him is a young, grown-up man who sits calmly on his seat, reading the menu book in silence. Luhan accidentally drops his phone on the table, and Sehun glances at him, confirming that nothing is wrong, before he proceeds to read again. The silence is slowly becoming suffocating for him. Sehun seems alright with it.

 

His stomach churns. It scares him how things were much like now, yet very different as well. Two years ago, they were like this too, sitting in front of each other, with him telling Sehun to hurry up with picking the menu and Sehun intentionally dragging the time with commenting at every single dish in the book. Now they are once again sitting in front of each other, with him trying to comprehend everything that is happening, and Sehun, seemingly content with the silence that is already choking his lungs.

 

Everything changes, and it only downs to him now that he doesn’t like it.

 

“Should we just order the one we always ate whenever we came here?” Sehun’s voice wakes him up.

 

Somehow it hurts to see Sehun talking about their old days ever in such a carefree manner.

 

“Yes.” Luhan answers.

 

Sehun smiles at him. And it looks, feels so foreign to him.

 

Because the smile he remembers had looked so bright, so pure, with innocence and emotion in it. Even if it was caused just by him buying the other a cup of bubble tea. The smile was caused by him and directed for him.

 

Yet the smile he saw just now was nothing similar to it.

 

It was a polite smile. A smile that would occasionally come out for the sake of being friendly. It felt cold.

 

Luhan stops his train of thoughts from falling off its rails. Who is he to complain? Who is he to play victim?

 

=

 

“Funny, isn’t it? Out of any place we could’ve crossed paths at, this place just had to be the one.”

 

Sehun is making an attempt to keep the night less awkward. And Luhan feels more burdened because of it.

 

“Yeah.” Luhan answers quietly. “I went to Seoul for a few times last year, though. Met almost everybody, never got to meet you.”

 

“Well, I’ve been busy.” Sehun explains casually. Not in the tone of making excuses, not in the dismissal way either. He’s doing a good job making everything normal. “And I went on vacation for a couple of times. Never really had any leisure time in Seoul.”

 

Luhan knows Sehun knew he was in Seoul for a few times and had stayed for a quite long time. He also knows Sehun purposely kept himself busy so Minseok or Joonmyun won’t ask him to meet him.

 

Knowing doesn’t make the pain lessen, though.

 

“I have all of your songs on my phone.” Sehun exclaims. “Don’t be mad, but I still snort every time I listen to Lu.”

 

“Gosh that’s embarrassing.” Luhan laughs involuntarily, and then he’s taken aback.

 

Why is it so easy for him to laugh with Sehun?

 

And why was it so easy for him to steal that laughter away?

 

“I kept thinking that you were drunk while making that song.” Sehun grins. “I really like that one titled Medals, though. And oh, Catch Me When I Fall.”

 

Luhan smiles. “Thank you.” he says truthfully.

 

It hurts.

 

It hurts to see how Sehun acts indifferently towards the thing between them.

 

It hurts to feel like he’s the only one suffering although he was the one who caused the pain.

 

“You yourself have been doing a lot of stuffs. All with those movies and photoshoots.” Luhan tries to keep the conversation going. He doesn’t want to ruin the night.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You also got a puppy.”

 

“Vivi is really adorable.” Sehun says without hesitation. “He saved my life.”

 

Luhan wants to comment at it, but after he realizes what Sehun was saying, he pales.

 

Sehun looks like he didn’t mean to say what he said.

 

There. The wound is finally visible. It’s still raw and red.

 

But even after showing his wound, Sehun still refuses to be healed.

 

=

 

Their food arrives.

 

They are back to silence as they devour their ramen. Fortunately it’s a rather comfortable silence, with Sehun commenting at how he had missed the dish and how good it tastes, and Luhan nodding then and now, murmuring ‘yes’ ‘I know right’.

 

For a moment, Luhan drifts back to two years ago. Or three.

 

To the years when he was still someone Sehun looked up to.

 

When he was still Sehun’s ‘hyung’.

 

Not someone Sehun accidentally meets on a vacation.

 

Not just Luhan.

 

Finishing their bowls almost at the same time, they both lean back against their chair, feeling content after a good meal. Sehun checks his phone occasionally, maybe wanting to know if someone is looking for him or not. Luhan also glances at his phone. No one has been looking for him either.

 

It’s as if the world is giving this night to them.

 

Whether to clear up some wounds or just mend the longing a little bit.

 

“Why are you here alone?” Luhan asks. “Don’t you usually travel with Chanyeol?”

 

“He’s spending this month at his house.” Sehun answers casually. “Besides travelling alone is nice too.”

 

“Isn’t it lonely?”

 

Sehun stares at him without a word.

 

That’s the first emotion Sehun shows tonight.

 

Luhan is so taken aback that it takes a long moment for him to process the look in Sehun’s eyes.

 

‘You have no right to ask that,’ they say.

 

‘Why do you act like you care?’ they say.

 

‘Are you rubbing salt on my wound?’ they say.

 

“Loneliness is relative, I guess.” Sehun lips say instead. “As long as you’re not longing for a company, it’s not called being lonely.”

 

Luhan gulps down the guilt that was threatening to come out and laugh at him.

 

“I-if you want,” Luhan tries to salvage the last piece of his dignity, “we can go to wherever you want to go tomorrow night. Just in case you want a friend along.”

 

Sehun smiles again at him. It’s a lot colder than before. “Are you here on a vacation too?”

 

“Not really. I’m here for a photoshoot.”

 

“Then it’s alright. Wouldn’t want to steal your resting time.”

 

‘You’re two years too late to stay,’ Sehun seems to tell him.

 

=

 

“I’m going there.” Sehun points at the direction behind him.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t walk you to your hotel.” Luhan says with a smile. They’re going towards opposite directions. “Have fun, then.”

 

“Good luck with your photoshoot.” Sehun grins. “Be careful.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Because everywhere you go they yelling Lu –“

 

“Stop it.” Luhan playfully punches Sehun’s shoulder and observes the other. “Is it just me or are you really taller than the last time I saw y-“

 

Luhan halts his own words.

 

Sehun stares at him again. “Two years is pretty long, you see.” he says.

 

‘I know’, Luhan wants to tell him, ‘I’m sorry’.

 

“Bye, Luhan.” Sehun says. “See you some time in the future.”

 

It seems like Sehun waits for him to say something, but Luhan can’t even think of anything to say. So Sehun steps backwards, turns around, and starts walking away with hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. After being petrified for a long moment, Luhan spins on his feet too, and starts to walk away as well.

 

Yet every step he takes gets heavier.

 

Every step takes him to two years ago.

 

He, too, was walking away from Sehun, towards the door of the practice room.

 

Sehun was crying.

 

Sehun didn’t even ask him to reconsider everything. To think about him too. To stay.

 

It was as if Sehun had known that he would take the same decision Yifan had taken in the end.

 

It was as if Sehun had seen the signs. The small events that happened like a short films. All led to one big movie, with the ugliest ending.

 

Before he got to open the door, Sehun had whispered something between his sobs.

 

‘How dare you?’

 

And Luhan left even after hearing that, making everything worse.

 

He really has no right to feel resigned. He has no right to feel upset that Sehun seems like he’s doing better than he does. He has no right to be confused about why does Sehun look like he had forgotten him, that he had moved on and in the end, all the memories they shared become just a worn out page of his past.

 

Is he going to repeat the same mistake he did two years ago?

 

Or is he going to risk all the chances he could’ve had with Sehun by telling him what he didn’t get to tell him back then?

 

Luhan turns around again.

 

=

 

“OH SEHUN!”

 

Sehun stops. As if already knowing that this will happen, he doesn’t turn around immediately. He looks back slightly.

 

Luhan runs again until he reaches Sehun. He keeps a safe distance, because if he gets nearer, he’s afraid he might wrap his arms around Sehun’s torso immediately.

 

“Please,” he says breathlessly, “hear me out. Just for tonight. Hear me out and after this, you can hate me. More than you already did.”

 

Sehun turns around.

 

“I’m sorry. For everything.” Luhan starts. “For leaving you that night. For not saying goodbye to you before the flight. For not contacting you these past two years. For missing all the chances I could’ve used to make it up to you.” he pauses to catch a breath. “I know this won’t change anything, but I just want you to know that I – I regretted it. How we had ended. All the things that had seemed so important to me that I chose them over you, they look meaningless to me now. I could’ve waited. I could’ve been more patient. I could’ve held on until the tour ended and we could’ve prepared so many things together. I could’ve walked away with less burden than I had.”

 

Still no response from Sehun.

 

“I want you to know that it was never you fault. I was the selfish one. I wanted more when I’ve had you, when you had given me your all. And I know I’ll never be forgiven for it.” Luhan wouldn’t have realized he’s crying if Sehun’s thumb never reached for his cheek to wipe his tears. “Nothing was your fault, okay? You were never one of the reasons why I left.”

 

“So Minseok hyung really told you, huh? About stuffs I said while being a mess, a week after you left.” Sehun chuckles.

 

“If I can be selfish once again,” Luhan pleads, “can I ask for your forgiveness?”

 

Sehun observes him for a moment. “I forgave you long ago.” he says. “But you seem like you want more than my forgiveness, Luhan.”

 

Luhan can’t even deny it.

 

“Hyung, when you break a glass, the only thing you can do is to sweep the pieces to one place and let them be.” Sehun steps backwards. “You can’t tape them back. You can’t fix them.”

 

Luhan’s heart is broken.

 

So does Sehun’s smile looks. “I don’t want to be fixed.”

 

[A/N]

 

This was inspired by Luna's 'It Was Love'