Word count : ~2k

Pairing           : OT12/OT9/Joonmyun-centric

Summary      : At a certain date, Joonmyun would fall apart.

 

 

'Thank you M Countdown for giving us such a big award. Thank you for our fans who love us.'

 

=

 

[05.15.2011]

 

“I can read minds.”

 

Joonmyun quirked an eyebrow.

 

“Especially yours.”

 

“We’re not even that close.”

 

“But soon we need to be.” the tall, lanky guy who had been nicknamed Kris for their upcoming debut, circled around him. “We’re going to be leaders and we’re going to need to look close enough like parents of the rest of the boys.”

 

“I know.” Joonmyun commented patiently. His private space was being evaded, but he had successfully held the urge to snap at the much, much taller guy. The Chinese boy’s sharp jaw was starting to annoy his eyes.

 

“Okay, I just want to be real friends with you.” the guy said in slightly broken yet proper Korean. “I can teach you English if you want-“

 

“Let me ask you.” Joonmyun finally snapped. “Wu Yifan.”

 

The Chinese guy gulped. “Uh-huh?”

 

“How long have you been here?”

 

“Just a year shorter than you’ve been. Don’t be dramatic.”

 

“Does it seem like a fun game to you?” Joonmyun asked. “Debuting, I mean.”

 

“Uh, of course not?”

 

“Then why are you taking this thing so casually? You’ve been like, whoa, I’m going to debut, yes, with eleven other boys, yay, I should befriend them, the more the merrier!!” Joonmyun snorted. “Can’t you even see how serious and life-changing this matter is? What if all of these, these, these concepts they put on us don’t work later? What if we turned from a promising product into a failed investment? Then what would that make us-“

 

“Oh.” Yifan cut through. “You’re scared, huh.”

 

Joonmyun stared back, baffled.

 

“You’re scared because they made you the leader.” Yifan added again. “You feel like you were given such a huge task that maybe you can’t handle. And when things fail later they’re going to blame you.”

 

There was a silence, at it was starting to ring in his ears.

 

“You read minds.” Joonmyun finally said in defeat. “How are you so calm?”

 

“Well,” suddenly the Chinese guy looked shy out of sudden, “actually, I was, well, scared too. I mean, like, look at me, do I look like the guy who can lead five boys in front of cameras?”

 

Joonmyun took a look. Yifan seemed to be able to be that guy.

 

“But then I thought again, you’re on the same boat with me. In such a large group, you are there to share the responsibilities with. Then I thought I’d be okay if I’m just alone with five other boys, because at least when there are twelve of us, I won’t be the only one they look for.” Yifan then grinned sheepishly. “What calmed me was that I know I have you.”

 

When Yifan finished his monologue, Joonmyun was already a guilty mess. Suddenly it downed to him that he wasn’t the only one who was handed such huge responsibility out of sudden. He wasn’t the only one who was demanded to represent the group.

 

“So maybe, if you consider me as a help as well,” Yifan coughed, “maybe you can relax a little bit.”

 

Then there was silence again, but instead, it was peaceful, mind-opening one.

 

“I am.” Joonmyun finally spoke. “I’m feeling more at ease now. Thank you, Yifan.”

 

“Uh, it’s nothing.” Yifan chuckled. “So, help me. You know I’m a living scarecrow. I can’t do the moves for the second refrain. Can you show me how to do it?”

 

Joonmyun sighed. “Man, you came to your fellow scarecrow. Let’s just wait for Jongin.”

 

There was another silence, but it soon was followed with their laughing fits. Yifan even crouched down against the wooden floor of the practice room, banging the surface with his fist to channel half of his laughter, while Joonmyun was half laughing half wheezing.

 

“Man, we are so screwed. Who the hell picked us to be leaders again??”

 

“Whoever it is, I still don’t know what was in their minds!”

 

=

 

‘Today is Teachers’ Day; Teacher Lee Sooman, we’re really thankful to you. We won’t forget your kindness. Also our beloved EXO members, I really love you guys, thank you.’

 

=

 

[05.15.2014]

 

“Oh.”

 

His manager stared at him, quite taken aback. Maybe it wasn’t the reaction the other expected. “Yifan left.” the manager repeated again.

 

Joonmyun noded. “I heard you the first time.”

 

“He’s… it’s not the same like usual. He’s not coming back this time.”

 

“I understand.” Joonmyun nodded once more. Nod. Nod. What a habit. “How about the others?”

 

That was the sickest part. Joonmyun was so used to being the least priority. For two years, he was so used being the one who looks after the others. Thus even when he was crumbing apart, his senses only reacted to worry about the others’ well being.

 

“They still don’t know yet.” the manager confessed, frustrated. “How should I tell them?”

 

Joonmyun went silent for a moment. “Let me do it.”

 

“You don’t have to, kid. I can –“

 

“It’s my group.” Joonmyun said. “My responsibility. If there’s anyone who should break the bad news to them, it should be me. They can curse on me for a while. I can handle this.”

 

His manager gave him this sad, sympathetic look. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

 

Standing up, Joonmyun glanced at his manager. “Oh,” he whispered, “but I’m alone now, aren’t I?”

 

With that, he walked out of the restroom and headed immediately for their conference room. There, five boys were already seated at the corner. It was all silent. Even Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who were always the chatter boxes in the group, were as quiet as the dead. Kyungsoo’s eyes followed his every move as he closed the door behind him.

 

Joonmyun settled down with a heavy sigh first.

 

They all waited for him to say anything.

 

“It looks like I need to go back to Mnet building alone.” Joonmyun started. “It’s alright. We still don’t know whether we’re going to win today’s episode or not.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Jongin asked.

 

Joonmyun gulped. “Yifan.” he croaked out.

 

“He’s missing again??” Chanyeol frowned.

 

“Well, he didn’t fly back with Luhan hyung and the rest.” Sehun added quietly.

 

“He’s not coming back.”

 

Five pairs of eyes stared back at him.

 

“He just filed a lawsuit against the company.” Joonmyun added. “Trying to nullify his contract. Would be effective immediately.”

 

They stared at him as if he was some kind of alien.

 

“As I said,” Joonmyun exhaled, “I’m going back to Mnet alone.”

 

Then all of them leaned back against their seats, staring over the long table in front of them.

 

Joonmyun counted to three.

 

And then as expected, Sehun’s sob started to fill the air.

 

The boy didn’t even say anything. He just sobbed. Cried, and cried.

 

“I’ll see you guys later.” Joonmyun ended abruptly as he spun around on his heels and walked out of the conference room. He walked so quickly that he almost tripped on his own shoes. Then suddenly he halted his steps when his eyes caught something.

 

The door to the practice room.

 

The place where he had shared so many secrets and burdens with Yifan.

 

He sighed.

 

“Liar.” he whispered. “I’ve never had you, haven’t I?”

 

He then continued walking towards the elevator.

 

Crying and crumbling could wait for later.

 

If Yifan couldn’t wait until at least five years to finally give in to his tiredness and desires, then Joonmyun won’t be like that. He could wait. Responsibility comes first. Being human could wait. Being fragile and honest could wait.

 

Job first, job first.

 

=

 

‘And also… our motto is ‘we are one’.’

 

‘Just like this motto, it’s not only thinking about individuals, but becoming the EXO who thinks of staying together, who thinks of staying with fans.’

 

=

 

[05.15.2017]

 

Joonmyun stares over the ceiling of the hotel room.

 

They’re still in Japan, and it’s tiring after a long day of fan meeting. He sighs in content as he closes his eyes, ready to sleep for at least two or three hours.

 

In the back of his mind, the memory from six years ago plays like an old movie.

 

That night, when he and Yifan promised to be each other’s help. To be each other’s partner.

 

If he travels back to that day and tells his younger self not to depend on Yifan too much, would his younger self believe him and do it?

 

If he was braver and more independent, would have he trusted Yifan that much?

 

He feels his eyes getting hot and watery.

 

He hates it. How he crumbles every particular date.

 

For three years, he had done a fantastic job in being an emotionless shell. He only smiled and laughed whenever he felt right, and only went silent if there was something that had upset him. He only shed tears when he was touched. But he had never let his emotions out again.

 

Ever since he was left alone, he had learnt how to have the strength of two people inside his body.

 

But once in a year, he would crumble down.

 

At this particular date, he would let down all his defense and break.

 

Which is why he had asked for their manager to have one hotel room for himself while others share with each other.

 

He curls against the bedsheet, body rocking vigorously along with his sobs. No one is looking. No one is watching. He can be pathetic tonight. He can let himself be pathetic even just for a few hours. He can carelessly call out a name and curses at it without being judged.

 

He was too busy with his sobs that he almost failed to notice a warmth wrapping around his waist. Another warmth blanketing his hand. Yet another warmth caressing against his thighs. In shock, he opens his eyes, sight blurry and disoriented.

 

There are a lot of people in the room. He tries to count.

 

Seven.

 

Seven people are with him.

 

“How-“ he chokes out, and it was a wrong move, because it only triggers his sobs to come out more.

 

“Sehun has the spare key to your room.” Jongdae informs. “We knew you’d be like this.”

 

Joonmyun forces himself to sit up. Others follow him. “I’m sorry.” he tries to speak coherently. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“No. We are sorry.” Baekhyun’s hand is still wrapped around his. “We failed to come for you twice. This year we won’t do the same mistake.”

 

“Yixing called.” Minseok adds. “He was worried, but I said we already had a plan tonight for you. He was dying to talk to you. We can call him later after you’re alright. We shouldn’t worry him too much.”

 

Sehun, who was left out from the circle, slowly sneaks in and wraps his long, awkward limbs around Joonmyun. “Hyung,” Sehun whispers brokenly, “oh, Joonmyun hyung,”

 

“You’ve done so much.” Kyungsoo says, as calm as ever. “Let me do you a favor for once.”

 

“If it makes you feel better, we’re not taking any picture of this moment. Your secret is forever safe with – ow,” Jongin dodges when Baekhyun is about to pinch him again, “why – okay, sorry.”

 

“You look ugly when you cry.” Chanyeol comments through his own sobs. “And that’s how we tell that you’re really crying.”

 

Joonmyun laughs through his tears as seven guys huddle against him. They’re all trying to put a reassuring hand on him, wanting to let him know that they are there for him. And that he can be vulnerable in front of them, at least once in a year.

 

As the sobs subside down and are replaced with little jokes, Joonmyun feels proud.

 

He had kept the team intact.

 

Maybe they were falling apart three years ago, but thanks to his determination and quick hands, he was able to prevent the pieces from missing. He had kept every piece intact and glue them back slowly.

 

And here they are, huddled awkwardly on a king sized bed, in a hotel room somewhere in Japan, magically stronger than ever.

 

If he ever travels back to the past and meets his six years younger self,

 

instead of telling him not to depend on Yifan too much,

 

he would tell him to bear through it all.

 

Because even though he almost ended everything and said goodbye to the world three years ago,

 

he still ended up here, smiling, laughing with his beloved brothers.

 

=

 

‘We will work harder.’

 

‘We are one! EXO, let’s love!’

 

 

[A/N]

 

This was written for May 15^th :)

(The words in Italic were Joonmyun's speech at May 15th 2014, when he accepted the trophy for their first win for Overdose on M Countdown.)