Word count   : ~4k

Pairing           : OT12 / Joonmyun-centric

Summary       : In which Joonmyun wants to belong where his brothers are.

 

‘It’s been a long day

without you, my friend’

 

=

 

Joonmyun stares at the door in front of him.

 

The door of their old dorm.

 

Ever since he was discharged from the hospital last month, Joonmyun had been wanting to visit this place. He told his mother he needed to gather his stuffs from his room here. His mother had insisted to go with him, and he had complied, but this morning, she somehow decided that she would just wait at home and asked him to call her immediately if he ever needs her later.

 

Maybe she wanted to give him the time he needs.

 

If only time was as generous as her.

 

Opening the door, he closes his eyes and steps in. His own heels echo throughout the room, and it’s as if everyone is still here. As if in any second Baekhyun would welcome him home with the loudest greeting, Chanyeol would add himself in, Kyungsoo would start to curse at all of them for being too loud. Yixing would be very confused about what is going on, and Minseok would just shake his head as Sehun would pass him by with a grin. Jongin would come in sight with sleepy look, as always, and Jongdae would be looking for him because he has something to talk about with him.

 

There was the time, too, when Yifan would be coming home with him to this place, and Zitao would look for the both of them to whine or blabber about something, and Luhan would always be following behind Sehun or it would be the other way around.

 

But when he opens his eyes, nothing is there.

 

Everything has been packed. The only things left are the furniture. Their manager – the one who was once their manager, had told him that he had packed their belongings into boxes. Families of respective owners can take it away any time they want.

 

No one has touched the boxes.

 

He is the first to come back to this memories filled place.

 

“Oh,”

 

Or not.

 

Because when he turns to his right, Minseok is there, at the corner of the hall to the bathroom.

 

Joonmyun drops the key and the rope on his hand.

 

=

 

‘And I’ll tell you all about it

when I see you again’

 

=

 

“What are you doing here?” Minseok asks carefully.

 

Joonmyun wants to ask the same question.

 

Minseok shifts his gaze over the rope on the floor; one that Joonmyun dropped. “What’s that for?”

 

He also looks at the rope. He brought it from home without anyone knowing.

 

“I can tell you weren’t going to tie some things with that.”

 

He trembles.

 

Minseok smiles at him. “Don’t, okay?”

 

He nods, still trembling.

 

As Minseok keeps the both of them busy by chatting about trivial things, yanking away the covers of the furniture here and there, Joonmyun asks himself about what is happening to him. Is he really turning crazy? Does he really need to be admitted to the nearest mental hospital? Did he gain some superstition thing back there?

 

But when Minseok laughs, Joonmyun forgets everything he had asked himself about.

 

So he spends the whole afternoon like that. Talking with Minseok. Doing things he should not be able to do anymore.

 

And eventually, the evening comes.

 

“I need to go.”

 

Joonmyun’s mind goes blank.

 

“I trust you, Kim Joonmyun.” Minseok stares at him right in the eyes. “I trust you to be brave. To be able to move on. To prevent yourself from doing something stupid.”

 

Feeling ashamed, Joonmyun looks down over his shoes. “How did you know?”

 

“We just felt like you might do something like that.”

 

To that particular word, Joonmyun looks up at him. “We…?”

.

Minseok shrugs. “They said they wanted to come too.”

 

“So, tomorrow,” his breathing becomes rapid, “someone will come?”

 

“I don’t know. But what I know is that I need to go right now.”

 

Suddenly everything bubbles up in his chest. “Don’t go.”

 

Minseok chuckles at him. The sadness in his eyes is vivid. “Close your eyes, Joonmyun.”

 

“No.” Joonmyun, as expected, breaks into sobs. “I just got you back – you can’t –“

 

He spends another hour pouring all his bottled emotions onto Minseok’s shoulder. He pours everything until his energy drains out, and without knowing, he falls asleep.

 

When he wakes up, Minseok is not around.

 

No traces. No proofs. As if he was never there to begin with.

 

Joonmyun thinks he is crazy.

 

=

 

‘We’ve come a long way

from where we began’

 

=

 

He concludes that he must’ve missed them too much that he hallucinated severely yesterday. Maybe he needs to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

 

He washes up, finding his old clothes in the box that belongs to him. After making sure that everything is settled, he picks up the box and put them near the door.

 

Before he can even reach the handle, it opens itself.

 

“Whoa, Joonie hyung!”

 

And three young men appear in front of him.

 

Baekhyun, Jongdae and Chanyeol were always loud whenever they were together. So it was expected that the entire room is filled with their boisterous voices. Joonmyun can only listen, comment a bit, and laugh until his stomach hurts because of their witty jokes and animated talks.

 

“Aren’t you hungry, hyung?”

 

“You haven’t eaten anything since you woke up, right?”

 

“I can’t cook. I don’t want to risk this place getting burnt.”

 

Joonmyun finds a stack of instant ramyun in the cabinet. He cooks all of them, and even if he doesn’t want to believe his eyes, he can’t betray them from seeing how Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jongdae are devouring the food with so much passion. Chanyeol even gets up to heat a handful of tiny sausages and add them into his bowl.

 

If he is turning crazy, then he has no intentions to be normal again.

 

As long as he can see the three of them eating and laughing with him.

 

But of course, evening comes.

 

“I don’t want to look at them.” Jongdae points at the dirty dishes in the sink.

 

“I’ll wash them later.” Joonmyun says. “Just, sit with me.”

 

“Aww, hyung is so sweet.”

 

“This is why we can’t leave you alone yet.”

 

Baekhyun and Jongdae glare at Chanyeol.

 

Joonmyun sees it all. “It’s alright.” he smiles. “I know.”

 

“Minseok hyung told you?”

 

“Not really.” Joonmyun smiles. “Maybe I just prayed very hard last night for this to happen.”

 

Baekhyun casts this gentle, apologetic gaze at Joonmyun.

 

They talk about a lot of things, and without him realizing, he falls asleep again.

 

When he wakes up, the kitchen is clean, as if he didn’t touch it last night.

 

=

 

‘Oh I’ll tell you all about it

when I see you again’

 

=

 

He gets to his car after realizing that he didn’t bring his phone with him, which means he has been out of reach for two days. There are several missed calls from his mother. Some missed calls and texts from Yixing. A few from Luhan and Zitao. One from Yifan.

 

He informs his mother that he’s staying for at least four more days. He replies Luhan and Zitao’s texts, telling them he’s fine. He calls Yixing and almost breaks into tears listening to Yixing’s sobs, and assures him he’s holding on.

 

He deletes Yifan’s text.

 

When he opens the dorm’s door again, the smell of kimchi fills the air.

 

“Oh,” Kyungsoo peeks from the kitchen counter, “just in time.”

 

Kyungsoo’s kimchi fried rice never disappoints. Joonmyun finishes his second bowl with a glow on his face. Kyungsoo chuckles as he also finishes his own meal.

 

“But why are you alone?” Joonmyun asks.

 

Kyungsoo smiles. “The trio came together, huh?”

 

Joonmyun grins sheepishly.

 

“Hyung, you know I was never good with words.” Kyungsoo says with this familiar calmness. “But I want to come to you and tell you by person.”

 

He waits.

 

“You need to live.” Kyungsoo places his hand on Joonmyun’s. “You need to survive and move on. You need to. Do what all of us can’t do anymore. You still have so much in your future.”

 

Joonmyun is tired of hearing such things, but he nods anyway.

 

“Promise me?” Kyungsoo asks. “Promise us?”

 

For now, he nods.

 

Kyungsoo smiles in satisfaction. “Can I ask for your help?”

 

Joonmyun looks up.

 

“I’m not sure if I can meet the others again after this. If somehow Jongin ends up coming as well, can you,” Kyungsoo looks at Joonmyun, “tell him something?”

 

“What is it?”

 

Kyungsoo smiles again; this time it looks melancholic. “Tell that kid I love him. In the way he loves me.” He then whispers, “maybe more.”

 

Joonmyun assures him the words will get to Jongin. They spend the afternoon in comfortable silence, and somehow, Joonmyun lulls himself to sleep on the couch.

 

When he wakes up, it’s already eight in the evening.

 

The kitchen is clean once again.

 

=

 

‘So let the light

guide your way’

 

=

 

The first thing Jongin does when he sees Joonmyun is hug him tightly.

 

For almost a decade.

 

Joonmyun halfheartedly pushes the boy away because he’s starting to get suffocated. Jongin laughs while wiping his tears. As expected, Jongin has always been the soft hearted one in the team.

 

They sit on the couch, talking about everything they used and never got to talk about. Joonmyun turns the TV on, and a music show is running; they end up commenting on everyone. From the littlest to the most noticeable things, Joonmyun feels as if Jongin never left.

 

He gets hungry eventually. He checks the fridge to find something he can cook, only to gasp in shock upon seeing a big container filled with kimchi fried rice. There’s a yellow post-it note on the lid.

 

‘Share it with him :)’

 

He wonders how Kyungsoo was sure Jongin would be the next.

 

He heats up the food and calls Jongin to eat with him. Of couse, when Jongin sits and sees the dish, he freezes.

 

“He asked me to tell you,” Joonmyun starts, “that he loves you the way you love him. Even more.”

 

Jongin nods, and nods, and scoops the rice into his mouth as tears start to roll down his cheeks.

.

Finding the feeling of completing his task very nice, he starts to wonder if Kyungsoo might not be the only one who needs a help like this.

 

So he takes his phone and sends a text.

 

‘How fast can you get here?’

 

After a hearty meal, they get back to couch, feeling satisfied with full tummies.

 

“Aren’t you upset?” Joonmyun asks softly. “You didn’t get to be a professional dancer.”

 

“Tch, what are you saying?” Jongin grins. “Dancing in front of our babies was such an honor to me. Who wants to be a pro dancer if I can dance in front of them?”

 

Right. Their fans.

 

“The sight of that silver ocean,” Jongin whispers as his eyes wander, “that was one of the best thing I’ve ever had in my short life.”

 

Joonmyun agrees a lot.

 

“That, and Soo’s smile.”

 

“Oh my, gross!”

 

Once again, he falls asleep on the couch.

 

By morning, he’s all alone again. A new text message is on his phone.

 

‘My flight would be in thirty minutes.’

 

=

 

‘Hold every memory

as you go’

 

=

 

“What do you regret the most?”

 

Sehun his lips. “Not having any picture of you in those nine years of our friendship.”

 

Joonmyun flicks Sehun’s forehead. The boy just laughs.

 

“I regret I didn’t get Vivi that expensive dog food. I planned to give him that on his birthday, but well, I would never make it to that day.”

 

“Vivi is in good hands now.” Joonmyun assures him.

 

Sehun smiles gratefully. “Also,” the smile fades a little, “not having the chance to say some things to some people.”

 

To that, Joonmyun checks his wristwatch. It’s six in the evening. That person should be here soon.

 

“And,” Sehun says quietly, “I never got to reply everything you did for me.”

 

Joonmyun chuckles. “I never really did anything.”

 

“You did.” Sehun insists. “You stayed strong for us when Yifan hyung left. You were there for me when… Luhan left me. You were hurting just as much as we were, even more, yet you chose to be our shoulder instead.”

 

He looks away. “That was what a leader needed to do.”

 

He was the leader.

 

Now he’s nothing. He has no one to lead anymore.

 

“Hyung, among all of us, you would’ve been the one who got hurt the most.” Sehun tugs his hand to make him turn around. “I thank you, for keeping us intact. You were our strength.”

 

Joonmyun smiles at him. There’s a hurried knock on the door. “No need to thank me for this later.”

 

The door bursts open, revealing a frantic Luhan. “Joonmyun?? Are you okay??”

 

Sehun stares at Luhan for so long.

 

“Hyung,” Joonmyun calls, but he’s stopped when Sehun suddenly stands up, walking slowly towards Luhan.

 

“I thought something hap-“

 

“Stay still, hyung,” Joonmyun asks, “please.”

 

Sehun reaches out a hand, ghosting his knuckles against Luhan’s cheek. He suddenly cries. Not even bothering to wipe his tears away.

 

“Lu.” he calls brokenly.

 

“What,” Luhan whispers, “what’s going on, Joon?”

 

“I love you.” Sehun smiles. “See you.”

 

A tear suddenly escapes Luhan’s eye. “What,” he stutters, “is happening?”

 

Sehun then turns at Joonmyun. ‘Thank you’, he mouths.

 

The light above them shines too brightly.

 

When he opens his eyes again, there’s only Luhan in front of him.

 

=

 

‘And every road you take

will always lead you home’

 

=

 

“Will you be okay?”

 

In the morning, Luhan tells Joonmyun he needs to go back for his schedules.

“Don’t worry, hyung.” Joonmyun smiles.

 

“Should I ask Yixing to come here?”

 

“No, please don’t. I don’t want to burden him.”

 

“But – “

 

“I’ve been a burden for him since – that day – and I shouldn’t bother him anymore.” Joonmyun grins. “It’s fine, hyung.”

 

With a worried look on his face, Luhan leaves.

 

Joonmyun sighs, walking back into the building. The way to their unit is quiet.

 

Has everyone gone to a better place now? After visiting him? Maybe he should be ready for another silence in their apartment.

 

But when he opens the door, various voices can be heard.

 

As example, Baekhyun telling Chanyeol that he’s cleaning the dishes the wrong way.

 

Jongin asking Kyungsoo to sit on his laps.

 

Minseok laughing at Jongdae.

 

And Sehun announcing to everyone, “he’s back!”

 

They immediately usher him into the room, making him sit on the couch. Kyungsoo asks him what does he want to eat, already on his way to the kitchen. Baekhyun volunteers to help with cooking. Jongin sits next to him and hugs him from the side. Jongdae goes to the kitchen with Chanyeol, probably going to annoy the duo.

 

“You can stop being shocked, Joonmyun.” Minseok laughs. Sehun smiles next to him.

 

Everyone is there, in front of him. No matter how many times he blink his eyes, they are still there.

 

Is this the sign?

 

That maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t belong here anymore?

 

That maybe he’s meant to be with them?

 

“I’m,” Joonmyun whispers, “I just – I didn’t expect – I’m very happy. That’s all.”

 

“You should be.” Jongin grins. “We all came back to see you..”

 

He believes that this means something more.

 

=

 

“I’m really sure, Xing. All of you need to come. Like right now. I have a really bad feeling about him. Me? I’m staying at a hotel. I’m going to check on him tonight. You can get the earliest flight, right?”

 

=

 

‘It’s been a long day

without you, my friend’

 

=

 

They all gather around the small coffee table in the living room, eating there instead of sitting the dining table. Joonmyun just listens and laughs along as Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jongdae take turn in keeping the conversation alive and funny enough for Jongin and Sehun to choke on their food. Minseok would scold them here and there, but of course it goes unnoticed and he can only sigh at them. Joonmyun notices how Jongin’s hand never leaves Kyungsoo’s even for a second. A warmth bursts in his chest.

 

He loves them. His family.

 

There is no place where they won’t follow him to.

 

“I want to go somewhere.” he finally speaks.

 

All of them look at him.

 

“That beach we went for Showtime,” he says, “can we go there?”

 

They all look at each other.

 

“It’s January. We’re going to freeze there.”

 

“But we went there in December, so.”

 

Jongdae share a gaze with Minseok, as if they’re communicating through it.

 

Then Minseok turns at Joonmyun with a grin. “Sounds great.” he says. “You have your car with you, right? The big one.”

 

=

 

“No way.” Yixing pales.

 

There is no one in the apartment.

 

“But,” Luhan paces around the living room, looking at the bowl on the coffee table, “he was here. He was here when I left.”

 

“How did you know he was here yesterday?”

 

“By the GPS on his phone.”

 

Zitao sighs behind Yixing. “Maybe he went home?”

 

“That can’t be.” Yixing points a box. Joonmyun’s name is written on it. “It’s still there.”

 

“We have to find him.” Luhan walks at them. “I feel very bad about this.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“What if he does something – what if –“ Luhan chokes on his own, “he said he was done being a burden to you, Yixing.”

 

Yifan arrives just when everyone is alert.

 

“Ge, you remember a few years ago,” Zitao says quietly at Yifan, “when we found Joonmyun ge… in the bathroom? And we thought he wouldn’t make it because he lost so much blood –”

 

Yifan is the one who goes pale this time.

 

=

 

‘And I’ll tell you all about it

when I see you again’

 

=

 

Joonmyun watches as Sehun chases Jongin around, Kyungsoo trailing behind them. Chanyeol lifts Baekhyun and spins him around, making Baekhyun’s bubbly laughter gets louder. Minseok and Jongdae are walking slowly side to side, occasionally smiling at each other.

 

He then shifts his gaze towards the shore. The last time they were here, the sun was going to set. Now the sun is slowly setting, purplish hues are decorating the skies. He feels content. He feels at peace.

 

He feels like he really belongs here.

 

Wherever his brothers are.

 

“We promised here,” Minseok’s voice comes behind him, “that we were going to stick together for a very long time.”

 

He smiles at the bittersweet memory. “We did everything we could to keep it.”

 

“Yet it was not enough, wasn’t it?” Minseok replies his smile. “It was bound to happen. And we couldn’t do anything about it.”

 

Joonmyun looks over his shoes. “I’m so sorry, that we all had to go through all of that.”

 

“Hey, at least the nine of us got to stick together for almost three years. We stayed strong. We did great, didn’t we?”

 

“The greatest.”

 

“And it’s enough. It’s enough for us.” Minseok pats his shoulder. “To be able to create so many beautiful memories after such pain, it was more than enough for us.”

 

Joonmyun stares up at Minseok.

 

“Our babies, they stayed through it all with us. And you, you stood tall for the rest of us, you kept us from crumbling into pieces. We are so honored to have lived such blessing, Joonmyun. We are so honored to have had you.”

 

He wants to shake his head. If he’s as great as they told him to be, then why are they gone? Why is he the only one living? Why is he still here, while all of them seem so ready to go?

 

“Guys” Baekhyun shouts for them from the other side of the shore. “Come here!!”

 

“Kids are calling.” Minseok chuckles. “Let’s go to them.”

 

Joonmyun stays rooted on the spot where he stands, watching Minseok running towards the others.

 

They all look happy.

 

Maybe he would be happy too, if he goes with them.

 

He then turns around at the water.

 

And starts walking.

 

=

 

‘We’ve come a long way

form where we began’

 

=

 

He walks towards the waves. He shivers when the water touches his bare feet.

 

No matter how cold it is, his heart has been set.

 

So he keeps walking, and walking.

 

“Hyung!” he hears Sehun’s voice behind him. “What are you doing?”

 

Inside his mind, scene after scene plays out.

 

“Joonmyun, you’re going too far.”

 

Like that one, where he was in their van, with Sehun, Jongin and Kyungsoo. Talking about how their stage for the Year End festival before that was satisfying. The others were in the van in front of them.

 

“Come back, hyung, you’ll freeze there!”

 

That one, where suddenly there was a collision, and he couldn’t tell what was going on because they were being thrown into every direction.

 

“No, hyung, stop!! You’re going to drown-“

 

That one, where he woke up on the hospital. That one, where he could finally speak after being mute by trauma. That one, where they told him he was the only one who survived the crash.

 

That one, where his world crumbled into black.

 

“Hyung!!”

 

And then that one; the stage of their debut showcase.

 

Where everyone smiled so happily, proudly.

 

When, where, how, why did everything go wrong?

 

“KIM JOONMYUN!!”

 

Suddenly a pair of hand pulls him away from going deeper into the water. He yelps out of shock, and then screams. “LET ME GO!” he sobs. He screams along the way back to the shore. He screams when he’s thrown to the sands. “LET ME GO!” he repeats.

 

“GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!!” someone shouts back at him. “This isn’t right, Joonmyun!”

 

Everyone is watching him. From the corner of his eyes, H=he sees the fear in Minseok and Jongdae’s eyes. He sees Baekhyun crying. Chanyeol being not much better. Kyungsoo holding Jongin in his arms, eyes full of worry. Sehun looking back and forth at him and someone else. He follows the line of Sehun’s sight.

 

Luhan is there, also crying. With the teary Yixing and sobbing Zitao.

 

So in front of him is none other than –

 

=

 

‘Oh I’ll tell you all about it

when I see you again’

 

=

 

“Look at me.” Yifan begs, grabbing him by his shoulders. “Tell me you won’t do it again!”

 

“What do you care for?!” Joonmyun shouts. “You weren’t there. None of you were there, when they – I should’ve – I should’ve left with them!!”

 

“No!” Yifan shouts back. “You are here, Joonmyun, you’re here and breathing!! You’re alive! Feeling guilty as won’t bring them to life again! Do you think they would want you to be like this?!”

 

Joonmyun looks at them. “I, I just,” Joonmyun croaks out, looking at his lost brothers one by one, “I want to be with them.” he looks at the man before him. “I failed to take care of them, Yifan.”

 

“It was a goddamn accident, Joonmyun, no one could’ve prevented it.” Yifan is also sobbing now. “It was no one’s fault, not even you!”

 

“But,” he whispers, “I promised them, I promised to take care of them.”

 

“Hyung,” suddenly Sehun appears in front of him, next to the clueless Yifan, “it’s okay. You did. You took care of us.”

 

Joonmyun looks at him. “I didn’t. I failed, Sehun.”

 

Yifan goes pale again. “J-joon?”

 

“We came to say goodbye.” Minseok joins in. “We didn’t get the chance to do it, so we got our way to go back to you and give you the farewell you deserved. And now it’s our time to go.”

 

“Minseok hyung,” Joonmyun cries, “don’t go. All of you.”

 

“Joonmyun,” Yifan breathes out, “what do you mean?”

 

“Someday, hyung.” Kyungsoo smiles at him. “We’ll meet again someday. You don’t have to look for us; we’ll find you.”

 

Joonmyun’s sight is blurred because of his tears, so he reaches blindly. “No,” he begs, “don’t go,”

 

“Joonmyun!” Yifan finally gets to his knees and gather Joonmyun in his arms, embracing the other tightly. “Please don’t be like this!”

 

“Don’t go,” Joonmyun cries against Yifan’s chest, “please,”

 

Suddenly he hears a whisper in his left ear.

 

‘We love you, hyung.’

 

“I’m so sorry Joonmyun,” Yifan pleads, “I’m sorry for only coming now.”

 

He feels Luhan, Yixing and Zitao behind him. The five of them end up crying together on the sands.

 

His brothers have gone with the breeze.

 

 

[A/N]

This prompt was inspired by an old TVXQ fanfic I once stumbled upon years ago.