“It’s okay to cry..”

Jinki cannot help but blurted out the words after seeing Kibum kept pacing back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, the kitchen to the laundry room, the laundry room to the reading room, the reading room back to the living room, but then jumped out from the couch after not until five minutes sitting on it.

He ended up standing alone at the porch facing the crisp air of a solemn autumn evening, battling with his own head, the urge to run away to nowhere suppress him to the edge of his patience.

And there is Jinki, who calmly approaching with his soothing presence, but slowly wrecking the tall fortress he built to shield his soul from the pity of others eyes.

“You don’t need to be this strong all the time. You’re a human, Kibum.”

“If I’m not this strong, how do you think I can walk through my day?”

“Who do you think I am?”

Jinki’s sad eyes are mirroring his disappointment and all the weary feeling that had been washing him since the morning.

“Three years ago I promised you that whatever happened to you, to me, to us, I will be there, bearing all the strength left in my vein to take your hand and help you to pass all those tackling you on the way. Didn’t I?”

Kibum’s mind wandered for couple of second to the happiest day of his life, when Jinki smiled the brightest, asking him to be forever his.

“But Jinki..”

The brim of his eyes started to be filled up, the tears he avoided so hard formed inevitably there, shredding Jinki’s heart second by second.

“We did all the best, Kibum.. You did everything you can..”

“But it’s not fair, Jinx.. Not even slightly! You can’t give false hope one morning and then dropped the bomb the next day.”

“No one gave false hope, baby.”

“No one you said?! No one?! Damn, Jinki! I might be angry but I’m not stupid! Those doctors tried to play with my life!”

Kibum’s face now drenched as if waterfall move to those feline eyes on his pale skin.

“Honey, listen.”

“No, Jinki, you listen! I took the earliest flight to Japan because they said they had the liver donor for my brother but when I arrived at the hospital legs almost fell of my body they said they gave it to a girl who happened to be there already and also needed it! I put Jonghyun name on the list since five months ago, Jinki! Five months!!”

“Everything happened for a reason, Kibum.”

“The universe has no reason to not let Jonghyun live, Jinki!”

He’s wrapping his face with both hands, sobbing with all his might, whole body shaking uncontrollably. Jinki closed their distance and brought him to his chest and ran his hand along Kibum’s spine to calm the younger down. He kissed the top of his head repeatedly, however, Kibum’s enraged by himself not able to keep his promise to his brother.

“I shouldn’t tell Jonghyun about the news at the first time. I supposed to not getting ahead myself, Jinki..,” he murmured to Jinki’s sweater, both arms clutched around his waist.

The latter just stay in silent, patting Kibum’s head once in a while, or just rocking his body in a very slow rhythm to comfort both of them because at this point Jinki’s head almost exploded as well.

“I don’t know what to say to Jonghyun.. The sparks on his eyes after I ended up that in’ phone call is the prettiest I’ve ever seen in this past year.”

“You don’t need to say anything to him..”

“I am not that heartless, Jinki..”

“Jonghyun..,” Jinki bites his lips in warry, contemplating should he tell his fiancée or should he stay in silence, “Jonghyun knew already..”

Kibum retreated himself from Jinki’s warm hug with total horror all over his face.

“WHAT?! Who told him?! You!! You told him?!”

“Baby, no, calm down, ,” Jinki took one deep breathe before he reopened his mouth, “Jonghyun knew something wrong happened when the next morning you didn’t call us. He.. he said to me, that maybe it is not his turn yet. He realized he needs to wait longer for the transplantation surgery..”

His heart sunk to the ground when Jinki’s eyes crimson red holding the same tears Kibum evaded ten minutes ago. The minute Jinki ducked his head, Kibum bawled into dreadful cry.

“It’s not fair, Jinki.. Why Jonghyun? Why not me?! He’s supposed to be the strong one! He’s the one that always kick those stupid jocks on high school! He’s the strong one, Jinki!! He’s my strong brother!!”

Jinki wiped Kibum’s cheeks even though he knew it’s a futile attempt seeing how devastated Kibum at this point.

“He’s strong, Kibum.. Jonghyun is stronger than we think.. He’s been fighting for five years and not every single day I saw him showing any intention to give up. Never had I found him getting angry to whatever happened to him.”

The words just pierced his heart even worst. However, Jinki’s right. Not even once during the MRI, chemo, and weekly checkups he complained about how uncomfortable and tiring those stuffs can be. Though it’s hard for him, those puppy eyes are always smiling.

“I.. I have something to tell you, Kibum.”

Kibum didn’t say anything, but Jinki knows he’s listening.

“Taemin dropped me to the hospital yesterday.”

“What happened to you? Are you sick?! Oh my God, I’m sorry I’ve been busy these past weeks, baby! I’m so sorry!! Are you alright?!”

Jinki felt guilty looking at Kibum in panic.

“No, no, everything’s good, I’m alright, I’m super healthy..”

“Thank God!”

“That’s why I asked the doctor to run a test to check whether I can be a donor for Jonghyun..”

It was the longest silence in Jinki’s life because the beautiful man in front of him just freezes and drilled the hole to his soul through his eyes.

“Babe?”

“Are you out of your mind? First, I would fight the world to not let it happen! Second, you have different blood type with Jonghyun! I’m exhausted right now, Jinki, so please, just.. just don’t..”

“I’m a universal donor, Kibum. And I did once for Jonghyun, remember?”

Kibum kept his mouth zipped, silently cursing the cruel reality.

“If we matched again this time, it would be great for Jonghyun.”

“Stop making scenarios, Jinki!! I’m about to lose one of the two people I love the most! I can’t spare any more hour being haunted to lose both!”

“Honey, baby, listen. Listen to me, please. I asked the doctor about how it works. They will only take one third or half of mine because Jonghyun’s liver still can work up until 25%. We.. we will have more hope..”

Kibum didn’t say anything despite the tears keep coming down without any intention to stop. Everything that Jinki said is make sense but not in any world Kibum would let that jeopardized two beautiful souls he care so much.

“Jinki..”

One deep sigh and Jinki tried to give his best smile. He caresses Kibum side, kisses his forehead and to the south until finally he rests his lips on Kibum’s. It still tastes sweet for Jinki regardless of the traces of tears.

“Baby, I love you. And I love Jonghyun just like my own brother. Remember your grandmother said we need to try everything as our best? This is.. this is just another chance we should take, Kibum. The test scheduled next week. Can you tell Jonghyun about this?”

Kibum shut his eyes in fear and weakly nods into the request. Jinki winked to him when he open his eyes and pulled out another bitter smile. The younger peppers him with sad kisses.

Before his tears fall again, Jinki pulled Kibum into a hug. This time harder than before. He knows this is too risky. He knows it’s not as easy as he said. He knows it sounds impossible. He knows he might die during the procedure. But what he knows best is the fact that he loves Kibum too much he’s willing to do anything even crawling into hell to put back the smile into the love of his life.

***