Chanyeol froze as my worried words reached his ears. He paused then looked up. His face was glistening with tears that reflected the light from the hallway- something inside me caused my chest to tighten. I carefully approached the bed and sat by him.

"Baekhyun. Don't do that." I had never heard a voice so pained in my life. He seemed overwhelmed with guilt and I couldn't bare to leave him like that.

"Do what?" I asked.

"Don't pretend to care. You know I don't deserve that." He wiped his cheeks with the palms of his hands and sniffed.

The truth was I wasn't pretending. No matter how angry and fustrated he made me and no matter how much I thought I hated him I really cared about Chanyeol more than anybody on Earth.

"You're right, you don't deserve it but for some stupid reason I can't help but care." I sighed.

"Please stop it."

"No."

The room went silent and Chanyeol put his head back in his hands. As if I had somehow come to share his guilt I placed a comforting arm around his back. At first he tensed at the sudden contact but quietly relaxed soon after.

"Baek... I wish I could change what I did."

"I know."

"Not just for last night but for months before too. I wish I could go back in time- I think that's something I will be wishing for for a long time to come."

Chanyeol always had such a sincere way of showing his emotions. I missed it.

"Crying won't change anything." I said but he shook his head.

"Crying changes everything, Baek. Back at the hospital when you said those things to me I thought I didn't care but as soon as I heard that crack in your voice and watched those damn tears run down your face something changed." Chanyeol shook his head again. "I've been so selfish and I hate myself for it."

I shuffled closer until our bodies were touching and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Chanyeol... "

"Yeah."

I still love you.

"Please don't feel bad anymore." I said.

"I won't be able to do that for you, Baek. I can do anything else but that."

Then will you love me again even if it's only pretend.

"Stop crying then."

"I'll try." He wiped his nose with his sleeve.

I leant forward to see if his tears had stopped falling but they hadn't and it hurt.

"Look at me."

Chanyeol reluctantly straightened his back and angled his body to face me. His lips were slightly parted and had grown plump and red whilst the whites of his eyes had turned bloodshot. I used my thumb to dry the puddles from across his face. He watched through wet eyelashes and I found myself holding his pink cheeks.

At the hospital when I saw him standing with crossed arms and empty eyes I was certain I hated his guts but now as he sat so vulnerably in front of me I felt an unwelcome urge to kiss him. So I tried.

I had hardly ever kissed him first before- Chanyeol had always dominated our relationship so it was somewhat exhilarating leaning in with my eyes on his lips. Millimeters before our mouths collided Chanyeol put his hands on my shoulders restraining me from moving any closer.

"No."

I backed away. "Sorry."

"Just not now. Not like this." Chanyeol averted his eyes and so did I.

The words rung in my head.

Just not now. Not like this.

I wanted to fall in love again but it was clear I was hoping for the impossible.

"Why did you change?" I asked.

"Baek, I don't want to talk about it."

"Then leave it vague. I just gotta know what happened."

He sighed and looked back up at me. "You know when you loose someone really close to your heart you get this feeling like you can never live the same way again?"

"I know that feeling all too well."

"A short time after debut I got a text from my mum. My grandpa went into cardiac arrest and passed away in hospital. I don't know what happened but I think I broke. All the emotions I felt before that were completely erased and I just turned into this... digusting monster. I guessed it was some stupid coping mechanism but I ruined us. I ruined everything."

I no longer felt any resentment towards Chanyeol. In fact, I pitied the poor boy more than anything.

"You should've said." I sighed.

"I know."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were so worried about debut I knew it would stress you out even more. I couldn't do that to you."

And there it was. I beautifully nostalgic personality that I missed and loved entered the room. Chanyeol really did care and I was an idiot for not realising the mental struggle he was in.

"I'm sorry about your grandpa." My eyes stung softly whilst they dampened.

"I'm sorry about your-... I'm sorry about everything." Chanyeol teared up too.

"Chanyeol, I love you." Why did I say that?

Just not now. Not like this.

Then quiet. Chanyeol opened his mouth to speak but the words just wouldn't come out. I watched as he looked into my eyes with an expression that only showed pain and confusement.

"Baekhyun, I-"

Just not now. Not like this.

"It's ok. You shouldn't pretend just to keep me happy. I'm sorry I said that." I began to get up from the bed. I had no plan of where to head next but the pressure I had created was beckoning me out of the room.

"Baekhyun, I love you too. More than anything. I just don't understand. How could you love me after all the trouble I've caused you?"

I sat back down to give him the sincere truth.

"Because I know that you're the only person who could get me through it."

"What?"

"Right now, without you I would rather be dead. But there is something about the way you make me feel that makes life worth living. I want to be happy with you like we used to be."

"I-"

Chanyeol paused again. He seemed so shocked.

"I want to be happy with you too."

He paused again.

"You always find the positive in everybody, Baek. I really like that about you."

I spent the rest of the night by Chanyeol's side. Just thinking.

I thought about my mother mostly. About how she tried and tried so hard to fix our family ever since dad left. Not once did she give up- even when she thought she only had the bottle to turn to during her darkest moments she never stopped trying. Then she tried one more time, even harder, and it all went wrong. Maybe she pushed too far and threw her body and mind passed the limit or maybe it was my turn to try instead of her but I never did. I was too caught up in my silly career to properly be there for her. Maybe I was the narcissist all along.

And I never noticed.

It's funny how the death of a loved one can make you think things you would never usually think.

And it's funny how when you loose someone really close to your heart you get this feeling like you can never live the same way again.

I always saw my mum as an angel. Now everyone else does too.

I hope she is happy.