Ooh, baby, love never felt so fine
And I doubt if it was ever mine
Not like you hold me, hold me
Ooh, baby, love never felt so good
And I doubt if it ever could
Not like you hold me, hold me

‘Cause, baby every time I love you
It’s in and out my life,
In-out, baby
Tell me, if you really love me
It’s in and out my life,
In-out, baby

– Love Never Felt So Good (Michael Jackson)

***

“Honey, there’s package for you!”

“What it looks like?”

“Brown, quite heavy, square, I don’t know just check it out!”

Jeans still on its way down my knee when I realized my boyfriend is the one who can’t wait to open that parcel. So I purposely take my time changing into something comfortable.

Jinki was on the couch in his favorite sweat pants, when I walk to the said package on our coffee table. I can feel his lazy gaze entails me close “You knew what I would do when you wear that stupid off shoulder tee,” he smirks playfully and I hold the urge to smack his tummy with the nearest cushion.

“Look who’s talking with low ride sweat pants and thin wife beater on such cold day,” he cracked and stretched his firm arms out the couch, “It’s from Mom. Oh my God, am I five or something?”

He put down his mug behind me and snatch the typical family Christmas card from the box, and clung both his arms on my shoulder, chin placed fit on the crook of my neck, “My dearest _______ and Jinki, season greetings! I would be very happy to see both of you looked really well in these and join us on the Christmas supper.”

I lift the lifeless matching sweater a bit higher so he can take a look over my shoulder.

“I bet you’ll look even better on the current outfit.”

Heavy breath’s leaving my left ear when he moved his sinful lips to my shoulder’s blade and works something magic on it. If it’s not chuckles, must be gasps that roaming on my throat. Slowly I turn facing him, afraid that sudden move would ruin the mood. His half moon shaped eyes greet me, without any delay I landed a quick peck on his plushy lips.

“Why are you so ?”

“I always every single time you put this worn out clothes on. But your new bob just made it worse.”

Blushed by his cheesy comment, I slap his chest lightly, “Oh, shut up.”

“As you wish, baby,”

The already steamy atmosphere got escalated when he drawn my waist closer to his and clutched my mouth with his own. I slipped my left hand under his top to find my favorite tummy while the other trace down the smooth path from neck down the spine.

“So–– are we gonna be th––there this year?” I managed to ask him in between kiss.

Jinki’s going south and trailed down my jaw, his hands cupped my face, “Later, baby, later. We’ll talk about it later.” Warm mouthful of air sweep my neck and the world’s gradually enfolded by pink shades, I can’t think straight anymore.

Well, later is good.

***

It’s barely eight when Minho’s screeching on the other line, winter sun hasn’t even able to reach the earth yet. Jinki’s already on the kitchen making a mess with the coffeemaker and shouting every single time the hot oil splashed out from the pan.

“Did you get Mommy’s package yet?”

I walk to Jinki’s side to take over the spatula and shoo him out of the kitchen before he burn down the house. He grins cheekily and kisses my temple before strolled to the living room, “It’s arrived yesterday.”

“Good, see you on 25^th!”

“I haven’t said anything yet!”

“Don’t you dare not shoving your stupid face at the door! Siwon’s coming, you better be there!”

Four years living apart from my family, I managed to skip every single holiday event my parent’s celebrated. Easter, New Year, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and even Christmas. Not that I hate my family, but my brother Siwon already got busy with his own life five years ago and being home is not that enticing anymore. Siwon and I always had excuses not to come home. We didn’t lie, it just happened something needed to be cared of at the same time. The unfortunate one is the youngest one. How busy or hectic Minho’s life is, he’s the only one who always came back home since his brother and sister are too selfish and he loved his parents a bit too much.

And Siwon’s coming this time, along with his wife and kids.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t want to. But you know, I need more time to settle down,” I spare a glance to Jinki who’s laughing so hard watching some hilarious animal hidden camera.

“Even the workaholic named Siwon is coming. I don’t care about your life but dragged your home or I personally crossed your name from Dad’s will.”

After brutally threaten his sister, Minho ended his call and left a hole inside my chest. Honestly, I do want to come back home and slaughter my Mom’s special carrot cake and bicker around with my Dad and simply make fun of each other with my brothers.

But having Jinki as my boyfriend somehow makes me think twice before I decide everything. No, it’s not that my parents hate Jinki or vice versa, it’s his stupid mindset he told me two months after being in relationship. We’re going to visit each other parents when we’re ready to settle down. My soul free attitude was very happy with the fact of having a man beside me as happy-go-lucky as I am. Then again, tiny part of my family woman screams out loud asking for justice.

“Jinki, Minho asked me whether you would join them at Christmas supper,” I dropped myself next to him, head nuzzled onto his chest.

“Hmmm,” humming means he thinks, and it means either it’s going to be worst or nothing at all, “I haven’t decided it yet. How about you?” his stubby fingers my hair lightly.

“Well, it would be better if you’re coming with me.. You know, I don’t want to be there if you’re stay here..”

I can tell by his fidgeting chest that he’s chuckling, “Ohooo.., are you that in love with me?”

He yelped when smack perfectly landed on his arm, “In your dream honey, in your dream!”

“Where are you going?”

“Shower, where else?”

“Can I come?”

Wrong time, dude. So I shot him annoyed glare, well, just because.

***

‘Hi, sweetheart. Are you coming home this Christmas? Dad really missed you. Ask Jinki to come.’

That’s how the text from my Mom read. Fed up with frustration at work, I just screen shot it and send to the beloved boyfriend of mine then wait what’s gonna happened next.

“You looked like a zombie. An ugly zombie.”

Taemin put a can of coffee on my desk, snapped my head up to a weird view of a grown up sipping into banana milk with bright pipette.

“Aren’t you too old for that?” my chin pointed to the yellow fat bottle on his hand.

“This? Nah. This makes me happy so the rest are really doesn’t matter,” he pulled a stool next to me and sit himself on it, leg crossed prettily, “What’s with that face?”

“Family matters. Always my less interest.”

“Didn’t you say that your brother’s coming right?”

“That’s the problem?”

“How so?”

After a long and deep breath, the entire strain just rolled out like waterfall. How I miss my family until how I’m not sure whether Jinki and I are in the same page. Tears almost break out my eyes, but I managed to put my last barricade before it streams down my face. Taemin only nods or hums when I brutally cursed Jinki in every possible way. At this very point, I start questioning his heart that somehow still unreachable even we spend almost three years together.

“Had you guys met each other parents yet?”

“We had dinner and lunch together with them whenever they came to visit. I even personally accompanied his Mom to an art auction at that time he had business meeting he couldn’t miss.”

“Then what’s wrong with him?”

“Shall we ask him?”

The clueless guy before me knits his brows together and I tilted my head to the phone which flashed one and two.

“You’ll be alright,” he gave me some encouragement before I pick the phone.

“Hi, baby! I got your text.”

“Yeah, so, uhm, yeah, Mom sent me some messages. Seems like she eagerly wanted you to come.”

“Am I that lovely until your Mom so obsessed like that she can’t wait to see me again?”

“Cut the sweet talk. No one allowed judging my Mom.”

Taemin spared me a quizzical look and I just shrug, annoyed by my own messed up words. And maybe I had dated Jinki for too long he caught it that something’s definitely wrong with me.

“Hey, are you alright? Should I pick you up after hours and we could buy some cheesecake or hotdogs?”

“I’m fine. So, are you coming with me or not?”

“We’ll talk about it when we got home, okay?” stay quite is my only option since I knew I would breakdown right away when I spilled more, “Let’s end it here. I love you, _______.”

“Whatever.”

***

When I’m pissed, world are not permitted to stay wonderful. When I’m angry, I make sure everyone had a bad day too. And that terms include my boyfriend, who is now can only sigh when I throw the shoes haphazardly and go straight to the living room without even care to see how far it flew away.

“Honey, I said I haven’t decided yet! Why are you so mad?”

Jinki yanked my back around to face him, “No matter how subtle you explain yourself, the answer would be no, right?!”

“Don’t conclude too soon!”

“I don’t have much time! The clock is ticking, Jinki! And our relationship is chased by your commitment issue!”

“Look at me, _______,” face straight to the coffee table across us, I feel my chin drifted to his eyes, “I really want to go with you and spend some days with your family. But I’ll do it my way, I’ll do it when I’m ready, honey.”

“For God’s sake Jinki! You’ve met them! You even hang out with my Dad from breakfast ‘til dinner. What’s so different with this one?”

“It’s Christmas!”

“SO WHAT?! It’s not like my Mom would ask you to marry me on the spot! Oh, are you really afraid because of that?! You’re terrified by the fact that you’re not so sure with this happening between us?! Then why don’t you leave me years ago?!”

There, tears finally found its way after crashing down the imaginary concrete barricade. And it just got worse when Jinki’s not doing anything but mouth sealed.

“God, I’m so naïve! Why on earth I didn’t believe when people said you are stone?! Now tell me, are we in the same page?! What do you want for me to convince you?”

“You’re too precious, _______. That’s why I need to be sure with every step I take with you.”

“How much time exactly do you need? My hope just crumbled, Jinki. My hope on you. I can’t believe after all this time you still doubt my feeling for you. Then again, your feeling. Don’t blame me that at this very time I feel every single thing you said to me back then all is lie.”

“_______, I love you. Right now, back then, and even when I hadn’t realized that I fell for you before long. Everything I said about you came from here,” Jinki pulled my hand and placed in on his chest under his trembled hand. My finger curled up when I can feel his heart thumping.

“Then why can’t you for once, forget about your pride and come with me celebrate this Christmas?”

Again, he failed answer my simple question. That’s it.

“If that’s what you want Jinki. I’m not asking anymore. Forget it. Forget about my family invitation. Forget me. Forget everything we ever had. I can’t hurt you any longer, you’re free to go. I’m not great enough to solve your commitment issue, so I’d better go. I’ll leave in the morning. By mean time, I’m going to borrow your bedroom to take care of everything remained.”

Jinki’s not holding me back when I slam the door behind me.

***

And Jinki’s not there when I opened the door at midnight.

Or in the morning.

Or a week later.

***

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. When I was a kid, Mom always gather us in the living room and collect our good deeds book, pretended to count nice stuffs we did to other and when she finished, she would pulled the presents behind the couch for us.

The memory of it’s so thick in my skin. So Jinki and I made one for us, with good deeds book replaced by list of our bad habit we already left during the year. For me it were throwing wet towel everywhere around the house, over reacting about tidy and untidy stuffs, and buying so many fruits which ended up spoiled inside the fridge. And for Jinki were leaving the empty milk carton inside the fridge, eating chicken at 2 am, and wearing the same socks for more than a day.

But now everything is dusted off like pile of snow on the roof. The wind is too strong and we can’t fight it back any longer. It’s not the kind of break up I want to have. It’s not kind of break up I wonder I would have. Jinki was so nice, kind, lovely, handsome, and every single great quality a human could ever had. I used to think he loved me at least as much as I loved him if I’m not crazy enough to ask him love me more than I could.

The path looks lo empty when I walked down the street to the house I grew up in. Dream about someday I would linked my arm with Jinki visit my parents with our kids had gone before I could imagine. Christmas is for celebrate with people we love the most. But there’s no use to love someone that couldn’t even care about us, isn’t it?

“Hi, honey! Merry Christmas!” Siwon greets me when he opened the front door after I knocked several times. He squeezed me with his arm, something warm and something musky seep into my mind, make me gone insane for the thought of comparing my brother’s hug with Jinki.

“Everybody, _______ is here!”

I hang my coat and wipe the tears before entering the house fully, composing some words inside my head and prepare for the worst after I told them the end of our story. It’s only two steps on the wooden floor and Christmas shows me its own magic.

Someone with stupid half sweater was sitting on the rug with my nieces on his laps and my nephew in front of him mumbling something about his robot. His hand sometimes pats the kids while his face’s gleaming all the time. When he saw me stunned near the Christmas tree, he casually flashed me his wonderful smile, “Merry Christmas, _______!”

My mind still unable to composed all the shattered pieced together when Minho towed me to his side. He ruffled my hair and I walked pass him to hug my Mom and Dad. All is done in half conscious me.

“You must be hungry. Jinki and I made some delicacy special for you. Jinki darling, can you show _______ our treat?”

“Sure, Ma’am!”

Everything’s felt unreal when he wrapped his arm around me and led me to the said kitchen. He glanced over to the corner before he dragged me closer to his chest.

“I’m sorry, ______. I’m sorry. Only God knows how much I miss you.”

My hands still stiffen on my side when finally he pulled away and I saw his eyes almost tearing.

“What are you–– How can––”

He takes my hands and wrapped them with his own, “I made terrible mistake by letting you go. You are the greatest present I could have.”

“You left me. You doubted yourself. You don’t love me.”

“I love you, silly. And it’s not me that I doubt on, it’s you.”

“ME?! Can you try another jokes?! I love you so much it hurts so badly when you weren’t there in the morning or the week after, Jinki. Can you imagine that? My life shattered right away just because someone’s questioning himself whether I worth to keep or not.”

“Like I said before, having you is something I would never imagine before. You’re too amazing to be true. You know I love Christmas as much as you do. And therefore, celebrate this joyful night kind of big deal for me. It’s not just spending time together over dinner. It’s more like introducing me from the start again. Something’s keep stressing my mind, what if after your parents see how such a klutz I am, they would hate me? What if your brothers see how much flaw I had, they would kick me out your life forever? I’m too much coward when it comes for rejection.”

Something warm flows down my cheeks and I almost lost all words I used to know.

“You are idiot, Lee Jinki. Big idiot.”

“I am. Leaving you is the most stupid thing I ever did.”

Can’t express with any words, I rushed to hug him and turned sobs into weeps under his arm. He kissed the top of my head and keeps muttering ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ one to another.

He breaks the tight hug just to caress my cheek and drag me into kiss. A kiss that tells me everything. Soft lips just like his soft heart. Slow movement shows me how careful he took steps in a relationship. I clutched the hem of the stupid sweater and he made me tip-toeing when he pulled my face closer to deepen the kiss.

 “Daddaa! Uncle Jinx is kissing my Aunty!”

His laughs fill my entire mouth which I can’t help but mimicking the same. He hugs me tight for the last time before blushed hot red and scratch his head sheepishly.

***