No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no,
nothing else will do
I’ve gotta have you, I’ve gotta have you.

– Gotta Have You (The Weepies)

***

JINKI POV

Four weeks passed by after that dreadful night. The night I want to forget for the rest of my life, the night I wished never happened at all. The scene of long silence driving after painful arguments and broken dreams is flashed slowly once again in my mind. Convinced myself by the remained faith that today would be at least less drowsy and awful than yesterday, I opened the bedroom door to find Minho being nice roommate as usual, offered me toasts he made.

Like I had any appetite.

“Mr. Park texted me. He needs some preview for the promotional video by next week. Can you finish the scoring on Sunday?”

I spread my gaze to the sleepy digital calendar at the corner. It’s Tuesday. Crap. I even couldn’t manage to remember what day is it.

“Okay. As long as you could be ready with the final cut by Thursday.”

At least I had some part time jobs as helpful distraction. Or else, I think I might ended up hanging myself under the old elm outside the gym hall at our campus. Obviously, I seemed can’t get over her while on the other hand she seems totally fine and continues her life like our story just an ad in Thursday drama on TV.

“Dude, are you alright?” Minho’s tugging my worn out shirt timidly. Darted awake once again, I tilt my head to his side.

“Yeah. I’m good. Why?”

“Really? You’ve been spacing out for at least five minutes in front of the fridge.”

When my eyes landed on my hand, I realized today might be worse than yesterday since it’s barely eight in the morning and I held the fridge opened but nothing’s pulled from inside.

***

I walk down the hall which now is not as busy as the other month. Final’s coming and some students tend to spend their precious time at the library or the art studio or chemistry laboratory instead wandering around the campus. Hands kept safely inside my pocket, I strolled closer to the marched colorful lockers. Sigh eventually slipped out my nose.

You can do this, Jinki.

Right when I opened it, every memory about her started coming up to the surface, failed to be locked under the sea. It’s already more than a month since we walked our own path, but still, I haven’t put it down yet. She’s there, captured beautifully by the polaroid photo I pasted inside, smile as bright as sunshine. And her notes with little cute handwriting she hates the most, telling me not to spend recklessly and take a rest as much as I could.

Felt like I made terrible mistake, I close it after dragged out the some CDs for the pre-listening finals. I just need to go to the library quickly to compile it with my other work then heading back home to minimize the chance I’d bumped into her.

But let’s say that fates agree to disagree.

 “_______! Where are you going?! Why don’t you pick up my phone?”

Even hearing her name is a torture for me. As if I splashed by full bucket of dry ice, my mind frozen and itchy at the same time by the scene not too far in front of me.

“I left my phone at home. Wanna join me to the library?”

Kibum rolled his eyes, regretting his encounter with her.

“What are you going to do?”

“Of course studying for finals! You should do that too! What else?! I’m not gonna cry my at the dark corner until my asthma caught me.”

Did she know I’m in her range? She must be notice my existence.

Heart sunk deep into my stomach, I almost throw up at the moment with her cold words. It doesn’t sound like her, though she looks vibrant just like the other day.

“Naaah, I’m good. Find me at the studio when you’re finished. There’s a new dumpling shop I want to try.”

She bid her farewell and flicked her hair before walked passed me as if I’m invisible. I didn’t expect a warm greeting but I didn’t expect a gesture of total stranger like this neither. And Kibum saw it all. As a great friend of mine, he just shrugged and shook his head, gave me a pity look, and turned his back leaving the crime scene.

“Jinx!” Jonghyun half-slaps my shoulder snapped me into reality, “I was looking for you everywhere.  Ready to finish our project?”

“Of course. Let’s go to the recording room.”

“What? Did you say library last night?”

“I changed my mind. Shall we?”

***

A warm delicacy is the best cure for winter day and also scarred heart. So here I am, at my favorite coffee shop which I didn’t expect to be this crowd despite its unknown record. Hopefully, the barista works doubled hard compared to the other day, so within time, I got this large paper cup with fresh brewed Americano inside.

Usually, when I was in a rushed or came here by myself, I’d glided out right after the barista hand me my order. But today, I don’t feel like coming home early since my unstable situation would make Minho more worried. Struggled slipping myself among the queuing, I managed to not spill any from my cup and reach my favorite spot.

Unfortunately, it’s already occupied. And living with actually no luck for these past months, it happened to be the person I want to meet the less who flopped on the velvet fabric.

“Can I sit here?” She lifted his head and torn right away when she caught my face in sight, “I won’t be long. I just need to finish one cup. Please, nowhere to sit anymore.”

Indeed, the shop is too small to accommodate such a crowd. Nothing came out from her, it means she’s not telling me to go.

“How are you doing?”

“Broken hearted,” she answered right away, eyes not leaving the book opened on her laps. I remember this kind of view. She’s being the smarty since young age, reading or doing some college works while waiting for me finished my classes. It looks almost the same beside this invisible wall between us.

“You seemed happy to finally apart from me.”

 “I don’t need more audience for my devastating moment.”

Little heart attack stopped me breathing right away. How on earth I could conclude it that way? I can see clearly from where I sit, she’s broken as bad as me. The dark circles under her eyes can’t lie. The disheveled hair, chapped skin on her lips, the pale cheeks – they can’t lie. Her fingers trembled under the book, sent me shiver down my spine.

“Do you ever miss me?”

“Please, don’t start, b–– Jinki.”

“Do you ever miss me, _______?”

“Do you?”

I put down the cup and leaned front, try searching for my last hope inside her weary eyes, “All the time.”

Is it tears forming in her eyes? Or it is just me being foolish and hopeless romantic?

“_______, I’m so–– Listen. I’m re––“

“Jinki, I need to go. See–– Good bye.”

One quick bitter smile on her face, and she’s gone, left me in another agony. She never said good bye before because she thinks it was too awful to be said.

‘Why’d you say good bye if you know there’s no good at all in parting? I prefer to say ‘see you’ regardless what will happened next. At least, we put some hope and by that hope I believe both side would work in any possible way to make it happened.’

And I do want to make it happened.

***

Minho’s shouting at the door calling me to go back inside the house still roaming inside my head when I walk down the street under the drizzled hard snow at eleven at night. Everything’s not in the right place and I’m tired of standing still without being able to spoke out what I feel inside. If anything’s not worked as it planned, as I wish, at least I’ve tried.

And the answer of my heavy heart sparks its magic when the oak door in front of me finally creaked open.

“JINKI! What the hell are you doing here almost midnight?! You’ll get sick! And what’s with this crap?!” she shrieked right away when she realized I’m about to make a mess. Her eyes bulging out, and when I found it’s care instead of anger in her eyes, my heart contented it almost ran out my chest.

Please, don’t close the door.

One by one, I started to flash the placards in my hand. When she didn’t close the door despite the harsh breeze, I throw the first one and continue to the second.

Remember this shirt you gave me in our first Secret Santa?

I lift my coat to show her what I wear inside.

“You wore it twice,” she snarled half-heartedly.

Which put me on ease.

I knew you would say that.

It’s because I love it too much I’m afraid it gets worn out.

She rolled her eyes, try hard not to struck with mine.

I didn’t have chance to say I’m sorry. Or much to say I love you.

The girl in front of me bites her lower lips and taps her room shoes impatiently.

Here I am, bid you my farewell, just because I think you deserve a decent goodbye.

It’s tears I see flowing down her cheeks.

Regardless this is what I want or what you want, I need you to know.

TO ME, YOU’RE PERFECT.

And for the rest of my life, my heart belongs to you.

The last card thrown to the ground and I felt huge weight lifted from my shoulder, take out the lump inside my throat so I able to breathe again. Her face drenched by tears only one stream earlier. I stretch my hand out and wipe the warmth over her cheek, just like the old times when she breakdown in front of me.

“Take care, _______. See you.”

I collect the cards around me and crept home after I pat his head I hope not for the last time.

***

My eyes flickered open when my phone shakes next to me the next morning. Dizziness attacks when I turned my head to the side, trying to check it with all souls and common sense I could gather in tiny times. And by the letters popped up on my screen, my heart already exploded before I could get myself composed.

 And for the rest of my life, my love is all yours.
Turned out, we’re not that good in parting, so why bother saying goodbye?
Well, see you then :*

Four weeks passed by after that dreadful night. The night I want to forget for the rest of my life, the night I wished never happened at all. But this very morning, for the first time in like forever, I’m convinced, no, I believed, that today definitely would be better than it could ever be.

***

Inspired by my number one Christmas themed movie ‘Love Actually’! I’m so happy with this one though it’s not quite fluffy and rather angsty. Both Love Actually and Jinki are my favorites, so why not! Who doesn’t love them, anyway?! Haha! And what’s Christmas without love? So better tell the people you love the most that you love them when you had a chance. Some things are meant to be said even though you showed them every day. Enjoy the holiday atmosphere, because yaaaasss, it’s start to look a lot like Christmas! See you! XOXO!