The frozenmac and cheese just out of the microwave when a text struck my phone.

We expect you to be home this Christmas.
Don’t forget to book your ticket.
I’ll pay the expense. Just be home.

Long sigh rolled out before I stuffed my mouth with spoonful macaroni, not even care how hot it is. This is the fourth time my Dad sent a text like this. He never forced me to do anything. But I guess my Mom used her spell on him because I ignored her call couple months ago. Her daughter successfully skipped Easter, so I wished that I could escape from Christmas as smooth as earlier.

It’s not that I hate Christmas and having dinner and exchanging gifts and throwing lame jokes while slyly sneaked into the kitchen in the middle of the night slicing my Mom signature stuffed turkey. It’s not that I prefer being away from home and buried myself under piles of books just for the sake of my grade here.

But coming home means facing the memories I want to forever delete from my entire life. Coming home means strolling every corner of the town that retelling the story happened there. And I’m not ready for that.

“Your Mom called again,” Taemin shout from the bathroom doorway.

“Don’t step outside before your hair completely dry! It’s dripping on the floor!”

“I’m talking about your Mom here.”

“And I’m talking about your bad habit.”

Taemin thrown his towel before joined me in our shared apartment kitchen. He pours milk for himself and pulled the chair next to me, “Oh. So the topic is bad habit? Great. Let’s point to the fact that you keep avoiding your home just because someone’s living a block away from there. Oh, wait. Who? Your ex? Yeah, I think so.”

“Shut up before I shoved this whole bowl into your mouth!”

“Come on. Are you 15? I thought dating older guy would contribute, more or less, on your maturity.”

He’s indeed four years older than me. He used to be Jonghyun’s senior at his high school but he joined a student exchange to Italy for a year so when he’s back to school, he went to the same class with Jonghyun. And since my brother loves to invite everyone home, he had been regular in our house. And from there and then, we started seeing each other.

Until I left my hometown for college. Suddenly four years means nothing. And everything about my home reminds me of him. First conversation took a place at my living room. First date was on my backyard, it was Heechul’s engagement party. First kiss happened on my porch after the third date. He’s basically everywhere around the house.

“Are you still there?”

Taemin’s question brought me to life, “Yeah. It’s not that I’m avoiding him. I just not ready dragging my back home when just seeing my front door would tear my heart apart.”

“That’s why you don’t date on high school!”

“Oh look who’s talking! The biggest player I ever knew. How many girls ever dated you back then? 25?”

“It’s 22, idiot!”

“Unbelievable!” I rolled my eyes and left the table for the sink, “So when will you leave?”

“Next week. My last exam is tomorrow. I’ll go to the library first and take care some administration matter. You should go home to. Then we could hang out together. It’s too cold here, anyway.”

“Don’t you get bored with me?”

“Nope. There would always a new way to annoy you!”

“Lee Taemin!”

“Gotta go now!” he snatched his coat and slammed the door opened.

I wonder how I survived living with him for this past year.

***

When I get back home in the evening, there’s a brown enveloped placed neatly on the dining table. It’s addressed to me. Flipped it back, I found the sender written as huge as street advertisement board, KIM JONGHYUN. As expected, it’s round trip ticket with my name on it when I checked inside.

“Jonghyun’s speaking!”

“What the hell did you send me?!”

“Wow! It’s arrived earlier than it should!”

“Explain! Now!”

“Mom gave me that ticket last week. She told me to deliver it. You should be happy you don’t need to spend your holiday money!”

“But I don’t wanna go home!”

“_______, I’m tired with your excuse. I’ll tell Dad to cross your name from his will!”

“So many things to do here! Why don’t you guys come over?! I’m not going home! I’ll return the ticket to Mom!”

There’s a long pause before Jonghyun speaks again, “If I said I only have 6 months to live, would you still not going?”

“Oh, my God! Jonghyun! Are you alright?! What happened?! Are you serious?!”

“No, I’m not. Dammit, _______! Do you need dying brother to drag your home?!”

“Don’t you ever pull that kind of prank again to me! I almost got heart attack!”

“Then go home! Give your brother a hug so that it’s true I’m dying you won’t have any regret later!”

“Jonghyun!”

He cracks on the other line so loud, I need to put my phone away for about ten seconds, “Mom already spent so much on the ticket. If I were you, I won’t disappoint her. Just go home, _______. It won’t hurt anymore.”

“It’s already hurt every single time you mention home.”

“We’ll work it out. I’ve got your back, sis!”

I throw the phone on the couch before opened the fridge and gulped down the juice straight from the box, breaking the entire rule I used to know. Eyes struck to said envelope on the table, my mind flees to the conversation I had with Taemin this morning at the campus.

“Are you going to run for the rest of your life? Whether you’re getting back together with him or not, the memories will linger still. Trust me, you’ll forget him easily once you make a peace with yourself. Go home. Spend your time to recollect what’s needed to be collect. Don’t mind the rest.”

I walked to the couch and reach my phone.

Thanks for the tickets, Mom.
Don’t forget to pick me up. See you on Christmas!

***

As if it’s true that I wasn’t meant to be home on Christmas, the flight got delayed. So here I am, in a Christmas morning, all bags packed next to my feet, standing alone at the arrival gate. No taxi’s around and stupid guy named Jonghyun who’s not answering his phone since 10 minutes ago.

Right at the moment I decided to get back inside to grab some coffee, a man with smile almost brighter than the sun is approaching. His getting longer hair can’t hide his puffy cheeks. He’s wearing his favorite jeans since two years ago and leather jacket with grey sweater inside.

I’m not expecting him picking me up so I’m a bit taken a back when he greeted me as if it’s the first time we met. It’s actually, after my departure last year.

“Hi, _______!”

“Ugh, hi.”

“Ready to back home?”

“I’m waiting for my brother,” I call Jonghyun again, hoping he would pick it up.

“Your brother probably is sleeping right now.”

“Then I’ll go inside waiting for him awake.”

He looked flustered and I just turn my face, still calling Jonghyun. His face still as warm as it used to be. Nothing’s changed except his boarder shoulder and thicker neck.

“! Pick it up Kim Jonghyun!”

“_______.”

I brace myself to facing him again. The smile’s still hanging there but his eyes torn in so many ways.

“I’m sorry. I’m not supposed to be here. But your brother slipped out when I was coming over. I begged him to let me pick you up. Now please, can you listen to me once and let me drive you home?”

“Why are you even beg? We’re done when you failed responding my college acceptance news. You’re not even here when I bid my farewell to my family last year.”

“Because I didn’t want you to see me broken down.”

I have no words to reply him.

“You told me the news barely a day before your flight. How I supposed to act back then? After four years we spent together. I thought you trusted me. But it seemed like you don’t trust me enough to tell me at least.. I don’t know,  a month before?”

He found his way to continue talking when I just stoned on the spot.

“You changed all your numbers. You blocked my email address. I thought you would come home on Easter. I waited in front of your house but you didn’t show up.”

“I was afraid I can’t handle myself if I ever back home again. You’re already half part of something I called home. At that time I thought if you cared enough you’d ask Jonghyun about me.”

“I asked him but nothing I got in return.”

“You could explain to him. He’s my brother. He’s your best friend!”

“I didn’t explain to him because I don’t think he needs explanation. It is you I need to tell the truth.”

When the wind blows between us, I realized I’ve got my eyes teary and burnt from the inside holding myself not to break down right away.

“Come on, Chickpea. Let’s get you home. It’s getting colder outside.”

His hand already on my luggage and his smile’s back again at its finest. Just like a rainbow after the rain. Just like a rain after long dry season.

“Don’t call me like that! Only my boyfriend is allowed.”

He chuckles and let me follow him to the parked car.

***

“I still can’t believe you couldn’t force Jonghyun to tell you my personal information!” it’s rolled out right away once us out of the airport car park.

“He’s so protective, don’t you know?! I was just coming over to say hi to your Mom but he welcomed me with his hold-on-dude-I’m-not-gonna-tell-you-where-my-sister-is face!”

“Still can’t believe you!”

I stare outside the window. The snow’s dripping down slowly as we drive. From the corner of my eye, I can see him sneak a glance to me which I can’t help but biting my lips not to smile gleefully.

I got a heart and I got a soul
Believe me I will use them both
We made a start
Be it a false one, I know
Baby, I don’t want to feel alone

Suddenly a song played to fill the empty air. I turn to him to found him facing straight to the road in front of him. Enjoying the song and himself by tapping the wheel as the beat.

So kiss me where I lay down
My hand pressed to your cheeks
A long way from the playground

“Seriously? This song?! God, why?!”

He just smirks and shrugs his shoulder, continues singsong to the melody.

I have loved you since we were 18
Long before we both thought the same thing
To be loved and to be in love
All I could do is say that these arms were made for holding you
I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18

My laughter broke at the end. This is way too silly and too got to be true.

“I was 14 when you’re 18, you Tater Tots!”

He beams into a wide grin, his eyes lost in his cheeks, “You got the meaning anyway..”

“Lee Jinki.”

“What?”

I leaned closer to peck his lips quickly. When I pulled myself away, he looks surprised for a second but then melted into blushed smile.

“Are we an item, again, now?”

Try to hide my boiling red face, I duck my face down and clench my coat, “I don’t know.”

“Well, I never broke up with you, anyway.”

“Whatever,” I shrug to the window on my side.

He laughs and thanks God he drive his automatic car because one of his hand is now wrapped mine. Though he’s not facing me anymore, I still can see his wide smile.

It is on the intersection near my house when finally he released my hand to pull out the brake because we can avoid the red light like several stops before.

“_______.”

“Yeah?”

Firm hand cupped my face suddenly. The next second I could remember, his full lips were all over mine. He pushed his lips deeper, it tasted like first kiss in a million years. I miss his warm touch. I miss the smell of his hair. I miss every single thing about him. I even miss bickering with him.

He pulled away a bit then parting his lips again as if there’s not enough time for us to kiss later. I’m about to part mine when someone snarls from the backseat.

“Guys, it’s already green. Can we continue that after we got home and I jumped off this in’ car?!”

“SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN THERE, DUDE?!?!?!?!!!”

***