So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

– Thinking Out Loud (Ed Sheeran)

***

No, he’s not that into you.

Those rather painful words chanted repeatedly on my mind, eager to put myself on the right track. Nothing worse than unrequited love. Oh, wait. There is. A broken friendship thus lead to shattered heart. Dammit, don’t be such an emo, girl!

“You should come with me to Jinki’s birthday party! We would be the greatest dream team ever just like Kourtney and Scott like you always watched and beat him on the spot.”

But Jinki and Kibum are like Jay Z and Beyoncé. And Kourtney-Scott aren’t even married. And this is definitely not a date. Come to your sense, poor girl. It’s just as casual buddies stuffs as going to movie marathon when the school gang is too lame, as sneaking out to grab some ice cream when too tired following Kibum around the mall, and as impulsive escapade to the beach when the summer night too hot to sleep on.

I was brought back to reality when a hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me aside, “It’s too crowded, you should walk on this side – HEY WATCH OUT!!! See?! You could be smashed by that crazy biker if you stay here!”

Yes, I admit this is one of thrilling and gleeful moment hanging out with him. Such a gentleman, isn’t he? Such a bright and nice personality that got me fallen since the first day of high school until now, the second year of college. And also such a personality that drown my feeling as deep as possible since I have no idea how to deal with one-side hope.

“_______, can you cover me on the graphic design class tomorrow? I got this practice with Krystal for the dance competition. Please, please, please.”

Nothing came out but a deep sigh, my favorite way to pity myself. His pleaded side is my weak spot. How could you resist such cute pouty mouth like his?

“No prob. Everybody wouldn’t be there, anyway.”

“You are the best other people could have! Let’s grab some Thai’s. My treat!! Get rid of that sulky monster face! You should be grateful!” He ruffles my hair and rests his skinny arm on my shoulder, just like the other day.

Guess I just need to stick to what I supposed to do since long time ago, since he sat beside me at the first mathematic class; make the line and stay behind that mark for the rest of my life.

And yeah, I should be grateful for a chance to be his very best. Friend.

***

“So what are you doing this weekend?”

I only shrug on Jonghyun’s question, since I really have no idea what should I spend my weekend on. Usually, Taemin and I invades Jinki’s house to find some delicacy, his Mom owns the most famous chicken restaurant in town. But he’s busy with his hip-hop dance competition with this Krystal girl and I promised myself to lessen the encounter frequency with him. I’ve succeed avoiding him on the bus and the library, and I’m planning to hide from him a bit further. It feels so devastating but relieving at the same time.

“Maybe hunting down for another vintage camera. Or trying that new waffle house near my brother’s studio. Wanna join?”

“Sounds interesting. The waffle house, by the way, not the camera hunting.”

Jonghyun’s words left me growling in laugh so hard. He followed me around once but quitted before the half journey and chose to wait by enjoying hot chocolate at the nearest café.

“You’re the one who insisted to with finding a new hobby as your excuse back then.” I stuck my tongue out just to mess with Jonghyun’s pride as usual. This time also didn’t fail spoil him. And Jonghyun is not Jonghyun if he doesn’t prove himself as a well-build guy by squishing my cheeks with both his palms.

“Ya! _______! Kim Jonghyun let her go!” Taemin’s screeching down, startle us with him rushing to our bench with his phone almost flee from his hand, “Something’s wrong with my phone. Can you fix it?”

The said phone shoved perfectly in front of my face, forced me to yell at him before he could properly sit down, “What happened to this poor thing?! Did you starve yourself and try to eat it up?”

“I was just wandering around like the other day before I fell down in front of the locker room.”

“You hang out with Jinki too much, his condition really is way more contagious than we could ever think.”

“It jumped away from my hand and kissed the concrete floor screen first.”

“That explains why no sounds coming out from it. You crushed it, Tae.”

“Crap. I need that for the dance practice! Where’s the nearest shop I could fix it like right now?”

“They would suggest you to buy the new one. Come with me to the library.”

“They fix cell phones in library?”

“Idiot! We’re gonna transfer your song into my iPod. Take that to your practice.”

Today must be squeezing day because Taemin wrapped me so tight my lungs almost surged out my chest, “I can’t even breathe, “I love you so much!”

For George Clooney’s sake, it’s not the most immaculate plan to kill a women in such a young age, gentleman. Why on universe did he say just now?! These past two weeks are kind of big achievement for me, then suddenly crumbled by few futile words. Thank you so much, Lee Taemin. My life is so done with his push and pulls game I didn’t even request or even if I did, I got no one to play with. Pathetic.

“Get a room you two and leave me alone!” Jonghyun screams in a super vivacious dino voice as usual.

“As you wish, my brother. Let’s go!”

Not even sigh I could make, Taemin already dragged me left. Struggle with my stuffs, I bid Jonghyun goodbye in a rush which might be blown away by the wind since the said guy now drown himself in some self-composed songs.

“See you at the waffle house, Jong!”

“What?!” he tugged my hand closer.

“What?”

“Are you going somewhere with him?”

“Seems like that. I need to collect some cameras and he’s so vacant and willingly to catch up with me after. It would be nice if he tagged along at the flea market too. At least I would feel a bit saf–– “

“Nope. You’re not going with him.”

“You are not my Mom, dude.”

“But I’m Lee Taemin and I said this weekend you’re going with me to buy new shoes. I need new weapon to the competition.”

“And I need new camera.”

“I got you a new one few days ago. Jinki’s back from Japan and he brought the second hand Leica you dreamt day and night. Look. This is what exactly happened if you’re away from me so don’t even try to in the future.”

***

“I lost my iPod!”

“Are you sure not left it at Kai’s place last night?”

“His Mom would already text me if it’s so.”

“Go check your basement. You had practice there two days ago.”

“Besides that old couch and boom-boxes, nothing’s here. Where do you think I am?”

“Then go to Krystal. She might save you this time.”

“Genius! Better to call her! Catch you later!”

 “Is that Taemin?” Jinki rolled out a question without even left his laptop when I’m done with the call.  Soft hum managed to escape while actually I don’t want to let him know who’s bossing around by the phone.

“Are you guys having a hard time?”

“It’s always a hard time with him.”

Jinki shoot me a solemn glare and put aside his laptop, “You could just say, you know. Men sometimes need a direct approach than an unyielding hint.”

“Oh, lucky you to have such a diva like Kibum who never fail to tell what he wants.”

“I do. I do lucky because yes, he told me. It would be a different story if Kibum shield himself just like you and we would still a mess, a scattered pieces of puzzle waiting eagerly to be matched by destiny but watch out Andy’s Mom walked in the room and think that Andy’s too old to play some puzzle and she throws us away, end of story of me and Kibum.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“The point is, tell him. Or just like the old priest in every holy matrimonial proceedings: speak now..”

“.. or forever hold your peace.”

Jinki rolled his eyes behind his specs, “I never knew you’re more stubborn than Kibum.”

Before I manage to pitch him another attack, the earlier phone rings once again, this time sounds more ferocious. Wanted to pick up so bad by the id flashed on the screen, I leave it with a glance. And the other bad habit; lip biting.

“Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

People said soulmate is two lost akin matched pieces made in heaven. To say it’s a lame poetry made by the ancestor is rather wrong because Jinki and Kibum proved me that they’re long lost similar souls with their tongue which ready 24/7 to slay every argument you had even though it was still in your mind and haven’t reach your mouth yet.

“Here,” I placed my phone on his keyboard, “Let’s say I left it here. Got a class now, bye!”

***

“_______!”

A young tall tanned guy ran merrily towards me when I turned my head to the former voice, “Calm down, dear. What’s up Kai?”

“I guess it’s belong to you,” he hand me a very worn out iPod which I believe it’s indeed mine from the scratch, the almost fell off sticker, and also the wallpaper which a bit unfavorable by showing me selfie set with Taemin.

“Well, our dearest friend is forgetful as always, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, found it on my desk this morning.”

The evidence securely placed inside my bag now, “He did sleep over at yours?”

“Two days in a row. He said his life no fun and I said bull, how come it’s no fun when he had you?”

When did I become possession? Besides, I barely encounter him in another week, what a priceless record I made. Kai got his point, no fun indeed, but it’s better since no expectation and no broken heart. A good choice of mine, isn’t it?

“Keep him in your pocket, I am so done he disturbed my nap. Kick his for me! Ciao!”

Don’t worry. I will personally kick his . And his chest. And his face. Wait, I’ll leave the face. He’s too cute.

***

“Oh, bug off!”

Kibum barely reach the table I was sitting on, his hand flails to shoo some girls gossiping along the way he walks. A light tug’s echoing when he dropped his bag on the wooden table, continued with screeching sound from the floor when he pulled the chair.

“What are you doing?”

“Some hideous jerk breaks his laptop so here I am acting like an IT kudos try to fix the mess.”

“Oooh.. your boyfriend?”

“No, it’s Taemin.”

“What’s the different?! AAOOOW! Are you nuts?”

Proud of my slap, I’m back to the destitute laptop in front of me with a smirk adorn my sullen face. Kibum growls under his nose and leans closer to check what I’ve been doing. What a nosy housewife.

“Oh, what a cute couple!”

“Pardon me?”

“Look at the corner! You should be happy with that! Jinki would never do that on his precious laptop! Or his phone! Or my phone! My phone for Wintour’s sake! I got lectured almost an hour just because I set his baby photo as lock screen!”

Screw you and your wonderful boyfriend. I have no time to care about your lovey dovey quarrel, busy enough with this stupid laptop and those magic hands that always managed to jumble everything up.

“Listen to me, Genius. You being subtle are not helping at all. The game needed to be done, there shouldn’t be this gaunt line between you and him, soon or later.”

“And what are you supposed? Me breaking this entire rule I know about friendship over relationship and letting my guard splintered right in front of my eyes just to destroy what should I feel blessed to have for?”

“Nah. I’m not like that old man who’s happened to be a chicken maniac. Go get yourself another man and it’s considered done.”

“You really need to screw your mind back together.”

“What? Don’t have a man to be your distraction? Let me introduce you to my very dearest childhood friend who just came back from Manchester. Face, 90. Body, 150. Brain, well, I’m kind enough to give him 60 but that should be okay, you are the brain after all.”

“Gosh, this is why I should never ever have a conversation with you, this is not gonna ended somewhere!”

“Which one, our chit-chat or you and Taemin?”

As if hitting an invisible brick wall, my face stunned on the spot, heavy on my head ready to take over all my consciousness.

“Dammit, Jinki was right. You’re too much in love with that spry kid. Just do whatever you want then, my blessing is always be with you, Son. With that much of love, karma would definitely do something on you.”

“Shut up!”

“Really! You deserve it!”

Glancing to the corner of that now back to normal laptop, I found small black and white photo of me and Taemin being dork as usual, smile across ear to ear. I shake my head to wash away the provocative idea inside my mind. No, no way. It costs me so much.

***

In the middle of preparing my final decision, I have no idea whether he’s totally clueless or he’s just being polite not to tell me that he knew how much I dreamed of him being more than a best friend. Enough for that magic hand, that clingy nature, those midnight calls just because he couldn’t back to sleep, that obsession of banana milk, and basically him being nice as he could be towards me because only God knows how much it hurts.

A brief talk with Kibum sometimes annoyed me to the point I want to burn his precious branded bags, but it did do something with my mind. I think I’m ready to step back and drawing the line that should be drawn long long time ago.

But I guess, an evening phone call could shake my confidence. After several weeks of my absence, the devilish fate tries to tease me again.

“What now? Did you lost something? Broke something?”

“Can you at least open the door, please?” me being hesitate is a new me, should or shouldn’t I are now a common in my daily life, “Come on, I know you’re inside. It’s cold here, please. Don’t hang up by the way.”

Leaving my bed is a bad verdict. But leaving my bed to open the door for him means to start the whole letting-go procedure back from the beginning and that is even worse. He was right, when there’s no door between me and him, the wind welcomed with its chill touches.

“Spill the beans.”

I still got my phone because even face to face he doesn’t hang up, maybe because pretend talking in the phone lessens the awkwardness in between. For that reason to be right, I should give him credit later.

“I lost something.”

“Obviously. I can’t find it for you, I’m sorry. Quite busy you know, the project, upcoming test, design competition and ––..”

“Don’t worry,” he said still with the phone on ear, “I found it.”

If I don’t care about lady like image Kibum always reminds me I would run outside to grab the nearest pot to pitch him right on his head, “Then why you called me?”

“Because if I didn’t, I won’t find my girlfriend.”

Big lump stuck on my throat shutting down my perspiration, “Excuse me?”

“Will you?”

“Wi–will y–you what?” it’s almost ten and the wind dancing slowly above my head but sweats are all over my back.

“Will you stay here outside for another minute so I can see my missing girlfriend a little longer?” his eyes show me sincerity I failed to notice when I opened the door earlier, “Don’t you ever ever ever lost in sight again. Just.. don’t leave me.”

There’s infinite silence filling the air and I lost once again in his eyes, speechless to death with the whole scene happened the past five minutes.

“How can you just make a scene right here in front of my door talking like we ever had a chance to be in this kind of situation?”

Taemin’s taken aback, seems like didn’t expect my reaction just now. He takes a deep breath and composes himself for an upcoming explanation.

“Of course I can. I’ve been with you since you had that ridiculous front bangs and those white shoes with colorful laces. You’re the one who are never give up on my dancing stuff even my Mom cursed that hobby of mine. We had up and downs together like we don’t care whether tomorrow is coming or not.”

“Tae–”

I saw clearly how his lips trembling, “I’ve been waiting for this time like forever. You’re beside me but seemed out of my reach. The fight in my heart’s still going on right now because tiny parts of me say that I shouldn’t do this.”

“What a–”

He continues his speech over the phone, “I’m not even close to finish yet. Listen. I might forgetful, but one thing I would never forget for the rest of my life is that a smile you gave me on the first day of high school. That was the smile that convinced me that the world is not that atrocious place. You’re the sunshine of my gloomy life so please don’t take those sunny days away from me.”

“Why now?”

None of us plans to care about the phone bills and end this stupid method of talking soon.

“Because I am afraid if I didn’t tell you know, I might lose my chance. So many times I try to explain my heart but I guess you’re too busy too care. I said I love you hundred times, said you’re the best, said I don’t know what would happened to me without you but.. yeah..”

His heavy breath sounds more unmistakably over the phone.

“We finished high school as friends and I don’t want that nightmare repeating again in two years from now.. So, for the sake of my sanity, will you let me be your boyfriend?” he bites his lower lips and stabs my heart with pretty eyes of him.

And when frowns make a leave from his face after I felt a smile curled up my own lips, I knew I made the best decision in my life. I shut my phone down and jump toward his warm embrace.

“Don’t ever try to give me stupid hints anymore,” I don’t know why I whispered to him, the atmosphere made it taboo to speak louder at this very time.

His hug felt the same. The smell of his cologne and the warm of his chest, it’s all felt the same. After a long still image with me inside his arms, he pulled me a little away just to land a butterfly kisses on my forehead, “That means you’re mine?”

Hand’s running to his face, I rest all my doubt on his soft cheeks, “Since five years ago, idiot.”

Taemin cupped my face and does the thing I wished he would do to me two years ago after high school prom night, kiss my lips goodnight before he sent me to the dream land.

“I told you karma will take its toll to you!!”

Someone’s shouting recklessly from inside a car and when I checked behind Taemin’s back, Kibum’s waving his hand excitedly, upper body is out from the rolled down window and Jinki’s honking from behind the wheel.

“Are those guys coming with you?!”

“Yeah, they drove me here after they lectured me on my session with them about how coward and slow I was ..”

He laughs, pulls me closer to his side which I respond with tighter clutch on his waist. And the first time of my life, I realize Kibum’s not that annoying. I never hate him, actually.

***