STORY LINK

(19 Chapters - OnGoing)

Requested: January 24, 2012

Completed: February 2, 2012

Title [ 10 / 10 ]

Creativity:There are several different interpretations of the title so there’s nothing I have to complain about.

Characters [ 37 / 50 ]

Development:

Hyuna:She’s interesting and a bit generic at the same time. The greatest cliché of this entire story is that she’s special. The concept of being “special” and “powerful” has been used insurmountably. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea; it’s just rather common in published books and stories. In Fanfiction it’s very unique though.

Her character is a bit unstable though. The way you’ve portrayed her makes it seem as if she’s flimsy and a bit naïve. At other time though, she’s suddenly philosophical and moping about all of her problems. It’s dynamic yes, but it’s almosttoo dynamic. There’s no way to predict her actions, which again, may not sound bad, but really think about it. When your reader can predict your character’s actions based on that character’s shown personality, it really means something. Or, you can make your character unpredictable and still, your readers will think “Oh…I can see why he/she would do that. I didn’t think they would have the guts to do that though! It was really surprising” and so on.

Joon: He’s a tad boring. There’s nothing particularly special about him. Your other characters have such rich backgrounds and stories that Joon ends up looking washed out and uninteresting. From a reader’s point of view, it’s dull to read about Joon who’s so average. You may have been trying to make Joon the only normal character but everyone else is so extraordinary that he ends up looking really…boring.

Voice:They have distinct voices.

Grammar/Spelling [ 12 / 25 ]

Correct Usage:

If you’re going to consistently leave out punctuation, then be sure to stay consistent.

Hyunas pov

Joons pov

Hyunas pov

Hyuna’s POV

Do you see how the last one sticks out randomly?

“excited” should be “exited” I believe. If, in your country, exit (definition: to leave) is spelled excited, then please, excuse me and continue spelling as you please.

“…main of hair…”

It may have been a typo but maybe it wasn’t. “Main” versus “Mane” is very important. “Main” refers to the focal point of something, anything. “Mane” refers to a length of hair, or an animal’s fur.

… to run his families restaurant

Families is plural as in “many families live here”. You want to show possession so you use “family’s” with the apostrophe.

“I can’t believe your taking Dads side just like that!

This is just something that bothers me and plus, it’s a good thing to note for later on. “Your” is possessive, as in something belongs to you. Example: Your remote, your dog, your books, your boyfriend.

“You’re” is the word you were looking for. When you break it down, it comes out “You are” so the sentence is really meant to read:

“I can’t believe you’re taking Dad’s side just like that!” Normally we won’t say “you are” with all its stiff formality, but that’s the proper grammar for it. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense by saying “taking” is your belonging/possession.

The damage was already done; my life would defiantly never be the same again.

Again, you probably meant “definitely” instead of “defiantly”.

Things are very complicated between those too.

“Too” implies “also”. You’re going for “Two” as in two people.

Tenses: I’ve noticed that you’re attempting to build voice in Hyuna but you’re losing track of tenses throughout the course of your venture. It sounds good but then again, you’re switching tenses without needing to. There are quite a few consistent mistakes.

Although you want to increase the voice and severity of Hyuna’s thoughts and current situation, you can’t rely on recreating sentences with good structure. If you do recreate sentences with good structure, be sure that you’re adapting to your story’s tense so it’ doesn’t sound off.

Also note, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to recreate structurally sound sentences. In fact, I do the same thing. Everyone does because we all read and memorize how to write sentences.

I don’t think my life will ever be the same 

This implies that she’s contemplating something that has already happened. The future tense is being used as if Hyuna has already committed a crime, been sentenced for it, and is now waiting for the next day’s final judgment or something.

Example: I don’t think my life would ever be the same.

That’s how you may have been meaning to use it since the sentences prior to this statement are all about “what-ifs” and using “would” instead of “will” implies imaginary thoughts/occurrences rather than real-life, severe ones.

My prayers where answer when I tripped and hit my head.

NOTE: My prayers were answered. . .

Joons arrived

You mean to say “Joon had arrived”. I realized that you want to make it more “slang” but the grammatical error is a tad too much. With the way you wrote it, it would literally read: “Joon is arrived” which, in itself, is very awkward.

Plot [ 72 / 75 ]

Intrigue:It’s pretty interesting. Actually, I’m surprised you don’t have more viewers and comments because I do believe it’s one of your better pieces. I like the ideas you’re amassing. They come together a tad roughly but overall it’s rather interesting.

Originality: This is definitely not a cliché. It’s one of the most original stories I’ve seen on this site so good job. I wouldn’t say it’s the greatest plot out there but it certainly has its upsides. Some of the plot details are confusing and blurry but hopefully you’ll explain that as time goes on. There are moments where, for the life of me, I cannot seem to fathom.

 Comments: Total honest here, it’s a very unique plot and so far you haven’t had too many clichés. There’s the “love at first sight” thing, but that’s more story/style structure than plot.

Story Structure [ 33 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: You switch off regularly but it’s almost unnecessary switching. An example would be in Chapter 2 when you switch between their thoughts. I understand why you would want to show the readers what Joon is thinking while at the same time showing us what Hyuna is thinking.

However, there are other ways of doing this that make the text more fluid. You could write all in third person and then use italics to represent their thoughts. You would differentiate between each person’s thoughts by doing either attaching the italics to their respective paragraphs of by putting: Ever since that day nothing has been the same, Hyuna thought.

I’m offering the alternative mainly because your POV switches are so quick and choppy that the textual rhythm is in dire straits. Plus, there’s quite a bit of description in terms of plot and setting so really, you wouldn’t be losing too much in the emotional/character developmental department.

Also, be careful with POV label usage. You wrote “Hyuna’s POV” twice in a row which is rather unnecessary as you stay in her POV. If it was a typo, then be more aware for future situations. 

“No wait stop!” you hear him yell. But you ignore him until your hit with a very powerful force from behind. Causing you to slam into the ground. “YAH! What the hell was that?” I was furious and on the brink of losing it. The air thins started to thin as I turned to face the guy who had confronted you. “You’re going to regret that.” Maybe I could just scare him away. I lifted my palms and focused on my powers.

I am absolutely confused by the usage of “you” in this part. The relevance is limited. Why would you use 2^nd person all of a sudden? If it was a mistake, or you couldn’t figure out how to word the sentence in any other way, then consider alternatives while still staying in the 1^st Person POV. Also, you switched back to first person halfway through the paragraph.

Realism (in terms of story setting): Everything is realistic for the most part. There are quite a few instances where I have no idea where they are or what they’re doing though. It’s a bit frustrating to be so confused. It would be a good idea to describe in depth where exactly they’re living because at the beginning they seem to be living in a bustling city, but then after they run away it’s as if they’re living in the countryside? Is that correct? If it is, I only guessed from what I could gather. There’s certainly something lacking in this section.

You did a 360 when you brought in the cult’s lair. It’s not clear where it is, or how it’s organized. I’m sure you, as the writer, knows everything but we, readers, are left out of the loop. It’s fine to make us infer some stuff but we’re inferring far too many things. It may seem useless and time consuming, but it would surely be helpful if you included some rationalization so we know why things are as they are.

Functionality: You left us without knowledge for a long time and you’re still leaving us out of the loop. It’s alright to do so for a bit, especially if you’re story is a mystery. The problem with this story is that you keep switching stuff around making it all messy and puzzling. As readers, we’re allowed into the story but then we’re taken out of the story the second there’s a major shift in setting, development, etc.

Style [ 24 / 60 ]

Personality:Keep developing your style. Don’t give up. Write for the sake of writing. Love the way you write. Don’t settle. Don’t think about other people. Just think: How do I want to write?

As an outsider, I suppose that sounds hypocritical, especially since I’m critiquing you, but don’t forget that these are my own opinions. When it comes down to it, you’re the controller of the worlds being created. Write as you will.

Stories are the only places that you can let loose all of the wild things you conjure up. If you become caught up in pleasing your readers, your writing with falter and you won’t be able to find that special style every writer is seeking.

Description: I wish there was more description. It’s very thought-based and character-based. At times you’ll describe the setting but those spats are a bit random and don’t help progress the story. Description is often times disregarded because no one can see the beauty in it.

Personally, I used to be a fast-paced, no description writer but then I was forced to read literature and analyze the text. That was when I realized just how much you can benefit from spending time to thoughtfully describe the scene. There are so many things you could portray through the use of words and a majority of the time we don’t see that.

When you create a masterpiece, you’ll note that description plays a great part. Even if you’re writing to just blow off steam, or just writing for the sake of writing, it will always be important to know the value of painting a picture for your readers. If you want to invoke a stronger reaction, then the best way to do that is to deeply explore feelings and abstractly represent those emotions through metaphors, similes, comparisons, contrasts, etc. It may sound like a bunch of school crap but really, there’s more to it.

Dialogue: Your strong suit has always been dialogue. There’s nothing in particular that I can say except you show your characters through their conversations. While this is great and all, there’s more to a character than how they react to another character.

It’s similar to using a spring board to increase your jumping height off a diving board. You’re using an extremity to further yourself but at the same time you’re losing something personal and individual. This mainly applies to Joon, considering Hyuna talks to herself.

Clichés: The biggest cliché is Hyuna’s significance as a powerful being. It’s an overdone idea but you did recreate it so I’ll give you props for that.

“Flow”: The flow is incredibly broken up. Your pacing is abnormal in this piece and incredibly difficult to synch with. As I’m reading I can’t feel myself being absorbed because everything is changing too quickly and there isn’t any explanation for why everything is changing so quickly.

In the first 7 chapters so much has occurred that I find it difficult to believe and/or understand the story. You aren’t allowing your readers time to adjust before shoving them into a new habitat. One second we’re in an alley with Hyuna, the next her and Joon are dating. There’s no build up.

From your personal view point, I’m almost certain you’re a fan of love at first sight. This idea is nice, yet it takes away your opportunity to write about how the characters unfold and grow to know each other. This in turn throws the flow for a crazy loop. Just think about slowing down, taking a deep breath, and contemplating how and what to write so everything feels intertwined.

Formatting:The font size is good. Your spacing is rather odd though. There’s somewhere around three spaces between each POV change which is obnoxious to an extent. It’s not nearly as distracting as big font though. In the future, it’s okay to have just one space between shifts. It doesn’t change the context or structure and it will take up less space. Stories are based on their content value so don’t worry about making it appear longer – that is, if you’re worried about making chapters appear longer.

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Some

Extras/Bonuses [ 2 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: Those were very kind and detailed comments you received from one of your readers.

Particular Snippets of…: I was giddy the first time Hyuna’s fire came forward. That was interesting and certainly a good way to start off a story.

Improvement:I’m not really sure if you improved. It appears that you stayed rather consistent, if not more scarce with the most recent Chapter 20.

Enjoyment:As a reader I do not read supernatural. I’ll write supernatural in a heartbeat but I frankly do not read it for pleasure lest I had already been hooked from an earlier time.

Total [ 192 / 300 ]

64%

Reviewer’s Comments:

Honestly, I don’t have much to say. I’m very sorry for getting this done late but everything has been hectic. I hope you keep writing and working towards a greater story because I can see you’ve got a great deal of the basics down. Now all you have to do is develop that personal way of writing.

Once you’ve found that everything will be much easier, really.