Chaeyoung tried her best to hold it in when it hit her. The feeling that had come together with that one thought that started off with ‘What if’. It had a constant pattern of to and fro her mind. She never would have thought that it would attack her when she finally let herself lost in that one room of emotion she had refused to get inside for a while.

Of all times, why would it invade her when she finally put her true feelings on the table for Jungkook to see and feel?

Chaeyoung tried her very best to hold the tears that threatened to escape her and she did well. They were locked so well that when Jungkook made love to her, there was not one tear succeed to sneak out.

It was after they made love, when Jungkook was catching his breath on top of her while holding his weight with his arms so that he wouldn’t crush her, it was at that time when the stupid tears fell caused by that stupid feeling that was led on by that stupid thought. She forced herself to stop but she couldn’t and the more force she put, the more pathetic her crying sound became.

Her sniffle was, of course, heard by Jungkook and he slowly lifted off his head and stared down at her.

“Chaeyoung?” he asked, voice a little hoarse as though he hadn’t spoken for a long time when he was the one who’d been using his voice during their passionate session of intimacy to tell her of how much he loved her in the loveliest, softest way possible. “Did I hurt you, baby?” he asked worriedly, wiping her damped cheeks.

Chaeyoung couldn’t utter even one word when he asked that. Because he didn’t hurt her. Not him. Not at all him. Chaeyoung shook her head slowly, turning her head on the pillow to look away from him because the more time she spent on staring at him, the tighter her chest felt.

“Then why are you crying?” he gently asked, still trying to wipe away the tears.

I’m scared. She shook her head again, covering her face with one hand.

“What’s the matter?” Jungkook brushed a few strands stuck on her wet cheek. “Tell me.”

Her lips trembled and she knew it was one painful thing to hear but the words came out like fluid after she choked on her sob. “Please get off me.”

He went still. Chaeyoung would have waited for him to move on his own but she hated herself when she pushed him, similar to how she pushed him away all this time albeit this was a softer push. She moved farther to the other side of the bed, went under the duvet and pulled it up to her chest and let the back of her head take the view of him on behind her.

Jungkook shifted slightly on the bed, probably getting into a more comfortable position or preparing himself to leave, which, despite everything she had on her mind, she wished for him not to leave. There was one long, deep sigh from him and in a low voice, he asked, “What did I do?”

Nothing, her mind answered quietly.

Silence again as she used the pillow to absorb the tears leaking.

“Did you… did you regret that?”

She closed her eyes tight. A big part of her did not and would never regret it. But existed inside of her, there was a little part that was making her regret it for what might come.

“I guess… maybe you shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry,” he said, disappointment and sadness wrapping around his voice. She waited for a few while, perhaps he’d say more things but he didn’t. Instead, her silence was met with his own.

His voice saying sorry was a constant repeat on her mind. And that pained her a lot, because the person who should be saying it was her, not him. Yet, she chose to mute herself.

*

Jungkook stared at the ceiling before he switched off the lights. He wanted to get away from there, because the moment she pushed him one last time, it was just showing how he didn’t belong there. But because this would be his one last chance, he decided to stay unless she asked him to leave at that moment. A tiny little part of him was hoping that this one last chance would be like the rest of the previous one last chance, they never ended up being last.

He wanted to move closer to her, but she was already at the very end of the side she was on, as though if she was an inch closer things would go wrong. If he was to make a move, she would have either fell of the bed or she would storm out of the room. The feeling of being unwanted would be more painful to bear if that was the case.

So for that night, he stayed on the bed. Sleeping with his heart shattered to pieces, and pieces to ashes.

*

“Do me a favor, will you?” Jungkook said to her.

Chaeyoung remained silent, but she was all ears because she knew he would say it anyway.

“For only tonight, just this one night, think of only me and not anyone else. After this night ends, you can take me off your mind. After this night ends, I want you to know that it’s okay to tell me in person that perhaps, I should no longer stick around. But just for tonight, please make me think that I didn’t lose you to him.”

Chaeyoung looked down at her feet, stood on her ground, water began to well in her eyes.

“Just until midnight,” he begged.

She bit hard on her lip, lowered her head even more.

She listened to him inhaling softly and she could see his shadow nodding weakly at her response. And her chest hurt the most when he let out a soft, weak, sad chuckle before he said, “This is goodbye, then.”

When she lifted her head up, it was too late. Because Jungkook had walked so fast, and he didn’t even look back. He walked away, straight out of her house and she ran after him, calling his name multiple times but none of those times earned her one single look or even a single pause in his step. He went even faster than before and she realized she was running so fast, trying to grab a hold of his hand or his shirt but he was out of reach. No matter how fast she ran, late would always mean late.

“Jungkook!” she yelled, out of breath and out of energy. “Don’t leave. Please don’t leave. Don’t leave me again.” But even when he could hear her, even when she could easily find him and tell him everything, it was all too late.

Jungkook made up his mind, because she simply couldn’t make her own.

He was gone and a thousand drops of regret tears would never be able to make him come back to her.

She shut her eyes and cried and called his name weakly in her mind, because she could find her voice no more. Jungkook… Jungkook… Jungkook…

“Jungkook!”

Chaeyoung’s eyes shot open at her own voice, jolted into a sitting position and her skin was covered in sweats. Her breath came out raggedly and she could hear her own heart pumping blood, as though she was under the water. She looked at her surrounding and realized that she was in her room and on her bed.

Her eyes widened, and in an instant, she looked to the other side of the bed.

It felt like getting out of water, finally being able to take in some air and breathed a bit calmer when she saw Jungkook sleeping beside her.

He was still there, he was not gone, he didn’t leave her. He hadn’t left her.

Chaeyoung wiped her face with her palms and slowly, she lied close next to him, taking his arm that was resting on his stomach and used it to wrap around her as she hugged him tight. She tilted her head a bit to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth before she kissed him softly on his lips and let it lingered for a moment. She placed her head on his shoulder as careful as she could, an arm around his torso and a leg hugging his. That dream was enough to scare her; she didn’t want him to leave for real.

It took her around two hours to finally fall back into sleep and when she woke up in the morning, it was already bright outside, and she scrunched her face, arms stretched weakly before she flimsily moved her hand around, trying to feel the supposed warmness underneath her. All she could feel was the coldness of her own mattress and pillow, her fingers tangled into the sheets here and there and her heart made an unpleasant flip, uneasiness settling in the pit of her stomach.

Slowly, her eyes fluttered open and she realized that she was alone on the bed. “Jungkook?” No answer. She sat up and turned her head around weakly. Called his name a bit louder, but there was no answer. She slid off the bed and walked towards the bathroom to get a robe to cover her body. In every part of the house, she couldn’t find Jungkook anywhere.

She looked for her phone and tried to reach him, but he wouldn’t pick up. After multiple attempts, she finally stopped and phoned Jennie instead.

“Jennie…” she croaked.

There was a short silence before Jennie rushed to ask, “You okay?”

She sat on the couch and brought her knees to her chest. “No. I’m not okay. I screwed up, Jen. I screwed up big time.”

“Why? What happened? What are you talking about?”

“I’m the stupidest person alive, do you know that? There was a man who had shown me how much he loved me and cared for me, and I’m here always, never failing at screwing things up.”

“Can you tell me what the hell are you talking about, Chaeyoung? What did you do to Jungkook?”

Chaeyoung put her head down on her knees. “I kept on pushing him away from me. And now he’s… he’s really gone. He left me. He’s had enough of me.” She was crying again. She couldn’t count how many times in a few days had she cried.

“Didn’t you tell me that you two are on good terms now? And that… that you guys are slowly getting back together? Things are going smooth. You said so yourself. You admitted to me that you care for him a lot. So, why would you push him when you wanted to be with him?” Jennie sounded confused and exasperated.

“Because –”

The door to her house opened and Chaeyoung’s breath caught in when she turned and saw Jungkook walking in with a plastic bag filled with fruits, she noticed.

“Because…?”

Chaeyoung put her phone down, disconnected the call and stood up immediately. “Where were you?” She didn’t intend to make it sound demanding but it did come out that way.

Jungkook looked a little startled, halting in his steps and gazed up at her with his big eyes widening slightly. “I…” he paused, seeming to be confused with how she was reacting. “I promised Hoseok to send the books early in the morning. I just came back from his place.”

“I called your phone but you didn’t answer.”

His forehead slightly creased as he fished for his phone in his pocket. “Oh, right. I forgot. I actually put it in silent mode.”

She nibbled on her bottom lip, not knowing what to say next even though everything she wanted to say to him for clarity was all over the place in her mind and she thought they were all ready to flow out of her.

Jungkook cleared his throat and hesitantly lifted the plastic bag in his hand. “I bought some fruits for you. Have you had your breakfast?”

“No,” she muttered with a soft shake of her head. “No I haven’t.”

“I’ll make breakfast for you. Would you like omelet or something else? Maybe toasts? Cereal?”

“It’s fine. I’ll make them myself.”

He nodded lightly. “Okay… Um, well, I’ll prepare these then. I got bananas, strawberries, appl