Title: Recollection of You

Pairing: Sanghyuk x Hongbin

Number of Words: 1,787 

Genre: Angst, Romance

Note to My Giftee: Hi there! I’m so ecstatic seeing the request and did my best to do justice on what you have requested. Hope you like it!
 

Recollection of You

The silence of the house is deafening.

I could only hear my own heavy breathing.

I tried to even out my breath. This is too suffocating for me.

Looking up at the ceiling helps. I should stop crying. It’s been a year for christ sakes.
 

It used to be alive whenever he was around. I never understood how he did it, he just did. It felt like his very presence was the only matter that could light up this place of mine. I recklessly threw my half empty Chinese takeout on the trash bin. He would scold me bitterly and order me to throw that takeout properly if he were here.

“Hey Hyuk. Look at this.” He said, pointing at a silver ring that was on display.

I sat on the sofa, switching on the TV to get some distractions; I remembered we had an argument on whether to get a Chesterfield or an English, in the end we bought a Lawson. Our choice. I glanced at the wall clock. It was past 12. He would be here by now, apologizing how late he was and he’d bribe me, it won’t work at first but I couldn’t resist his doe eyes.

“I’m serious about us.” He squeezed my hand, assuring me of what he felt.
 

I should be preparing myself to sleep. I have work tomorrow. I feel too lazy to get up. I just lie down on the sofa, watching a variety show that I have no interest in. He would always find the time to watch the reruns since he was always out whenever it aired. He said it was funny and the show had great content. He was hard to please, and so finding him interested with this show, I always wonder. What made him like it?

“Don’t you love me back?” his voice cracked. It was my first time to see him break.

Desperate.

I closed my eyes, in hopes of falling asleep. Before I could do so, I heard my phone buzz. I reached for my phone place on the coffee table and found a message from my mom.

[How is my Sanghyuk holding up? I heard that Hongbin had to leave?]

[Are you having a hard time in looking for a new roommate?]

[Do you want me and your sister to come by tomorrow?]

I sighed and left the messages without sending a reply. I’m too tired to play pretend right now. They know him as a friend. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth. I know it will hurt them. I know that they will look not only at me but at him wrongly. He too never said it. That’s why I did it.

“Let’s stop this nonsense.” I said.

“Hyuk.”

I woke up an hour early than my alarm. I sat uncomfortably; sleeping on the sofa really hurts my back. I stretched as I got up and walked to the kitchen. There was no prepared breakfast anymore, it’s been quite a while since I’ve cooked breakfast for myself. But right now, I’m not in the mood to cook for myself. I grabbed the carton of milk, searched for the cereal box and bowl.

“Are we not going to talk about this?” he stopped me from leaving the house in the morning. “Please don’t keep this to yourself.”

“I have to go.”

“Hyuk. Please.”

I left the used bowl on the sink and went to take a shower. Being in this part of the apartment lets me be alone with my thoughts. I hate it.

“How long have you two been together?” my sister asked when I visited her during the holiday. I pretend to be oblivious but honestly, her question caught me off guard. I tried to sway the topic but it seems no work. “Hyuk. I know. You don’t have to lie to me. I’ve known for quite some time.”

I paused on whatever I was doing. Did she really know? “Since when?”

“Since I saw you crying and he was comforting you in front of your apartment.”

She really had to see that. “It’s okay, there’s no need to worry sister. We’re not together anymore.” I taste bitterness on my own words. He didn’t want it. I did. “I don’t want him to waste his life on the nonsense we had. It was nothing but a phase. I thought we had something. Turns out, it’s nothing but…just being friends.”

“I don’t think so.” She uttered. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me. “If you say that, then why are you crying?”

Remembering it only made me think more of him. What is he doing right now? Is he feeling the same way as me? He should move on with his life without me. He needs to be happy without me.

On the way home, I happened to pass by the market and saw Hongbin buying on his own. I wanted to approach him but something stopped me. A little girl who ran to him offering an apple juice box. Hongbin smiled, crouching to talk to the little girl. Not long enough, they were approached by a woman. The mother of the young girl perhaps. The woman apologized but Hongbin just smiled. He’s probably saying that he didn’t mind.

That was the tipping point for me.

Seeing them. It looked perfect. Seeing him smile like that was enough for me to break things off.

He needed to be happy. He will be happy without me.

That night, the air felt thick. He came home smiling and went straight to the kitchen to cook dinner. “Hey Hyuk, guess what happened today?” he said while taking out the ingredients from the paper bag. “A girl came up to me and offered me her apple juice. It was really cute.”

I smiled. It did. Dinner came no later and we ate in silence. Hongbin felt it and asked me if I didn’t like the meal he cooked. “No, it’s good.”

“Hyuk, is something wrong?” Hongbin asked. “You’re acting strange these past weeks. Is something wrong?”

“I don’t think I could do this anymore.” Each word felt heavier than before. “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

Hongbin fell silent on his seat. He cleared his throat and bit his lower lip, “And what made you realize this?”

“Spending time with you…” I needed to tell him. “is suffocating. Whenever I am with you, I know that things won’t work our ways. We have to stop this before anything else happens.”

“I don’t understand—”

“I’m sorry. I don’t feel like eating anymore.” I got up from my seat, I could feel my stomach churning. “Let’s stop this nonsense.”

“Hyuk.”

I left Hongbin alone that night. I screwed up. But I know that whatever I am doing, it’s for his sake. It’s selfish. I’m despicable. Was I too harsh? I stayed at my sister’s that night, I didn’t tell her why, she didn’t ask. The morning I came back, I didn’t expect him to be waiting for me at the door. It looked like he stayed up all night. I already feel bad seeing him in this state but I have to keep him away from me.

“I thought you wouldn’t come home.” Hongbin’s face lit up once he saw me approach him. “Hey Hyuk, can we talk about this?”

“Did you wait for me outside?”

“Never mind that.” Hongbin mumbled but before he could say anything more, I cut him off. “Hongbin. I thought about what I said last night…please consider what I said.”

“Are you really serious about what you said?” Hongbin asked in a serious tone. “You know what you’re saying right?”

I nodded. I actually don’t. I couldn’t even look at him. It was too painful. I could only hear his voice. “Then...would you at least look at me and say that you want to end this.”

I didn’t.

“At least look at me.”

“Don’t you love me back?” His voice cracked. It was my first time to see him break.

Desperate.

I looked at him forcing myself. “I want to end this.” Hongbin smiled pitifully. He slowly nodded, accepting my words. I didn’t know I was already crying when he wiped away the tears on my cheeks. He didn’t say a word and pulled me close. He wrapped his arms around me one last time and said the most painful word from him. “I’m sorry that I made you feel that way.” He whispered. “I won’t hurt you anymore.”

Work in the studio is done without any problem. I am quite used to hiding my problems, making sure not to let my personal life meddle with my work. I grabbed my bag and left, saying goodbyes along the way to the exit door. He would usually be waiting for me outside. As if he would still be there.

I let go of him, remember?

I walked to my usual Chinese restaurant and ordered our usual takeout. I mistakenly asked for the same thing. I apologized and ordered my share. He isn’t here anymore.
 

“Did you buy my favorite dumplings?” He would usually ask the moment I come home. I would always lift the plastic bag filled with our Chinese takeout.

The way back to the apartment was longer. I wouldn’t notice how far the apartment was since he would usually be chatting me on weird discussions on why it’s odd to eat butter alone or why it’s hard to return to normal breathing when you have become conscious of it. I finally reached the apartment, reached for the keys on my pocket when I heard an awful familiar voice.

“Sanghyuk.”

Without any words being exchanged, I knew what was going to happen. I could feel my chest pounding. His eyes bore on mine. Can he see through me?

“Did you buy my favorite dumplings?” he asked.

“…” I cautiously walked up to him. My eyes looked away, I can’t bear to see him.
“I heard. Your sister called and told me what happened…” Hongbin said, his voice trembled. “I don’t need anyone else…I just need you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I do.”

“NO. You don’t.” I snapped. “I did this for a reason. And here you are ruining it. I am doing this because I know you’d be happy with a family. With someone not me!”

“But you are my family….you have always been…my family.”

I bit my lower lip. He reached out and placed me in between his arms. Before I knew it, I was crying. I couldn’t’ be stronger enough to resist him. I cried on his heaving chest. He was crying as well. “You don’t need to do this for me to be happy. I am happy with you. That’s enough.”

“I’m doing this for you…”

“I know.” He whispered to my ear. “But you don’t need to. I am happy with just you…only you.”

His hand running through my hair felt comforting, the other rubbing my back for assurance. “I’m sorry…I’m…I’m so sorry…”

Hongbin kissed my temple and smiled, his cheeks also wet. “Did you buy my favorite dumplings?”

I laughed, nodding. “I did.”