Jungkook

I have no idea where we’re going, but I’m doing my best to appear engaged..I’m in the backseat with Namjoon and he’s talking to me about the band, explaining his involvement in it. I ask the appropriate questions and nod at the appropriate moments, but my mind isn’t here at all. I know I can’t expect the hurt and heartache to go away this quickly, but today has been a quite as bad because I’ve had Jimin this week. I don’t know if it’s the way he brings comedic relief when he’s around or if it’s because I really was developing a crush on him, but the times I’ve spent with him were the only times I felt remotely happy. They were the only times I wasn’t thinking about what Hoseok and Taehyung did to me.

But now, watching him in the front seat with his hand clasping Yoongi’s…I don’t like it. I don’t like how his thumb occasionally sweeps back and forth. I don’t like the way he looks at him. I especially don’t like the way he looks at him. I didn’t like how he slipped his fingers through his when we reached the bottom of the apartment stairs. I didn’t like how he opened his door, then place his hand on his lower back while he climbed inside the car. I didn’t like how they had a silent conversation while he was putting the car in reverse. I didn’t like how he laughed at whatever he said and then pulled him to him so he could kiss his forehead. I don’t like how all of these things make me feel as though the only good moments I’ve had since last week are now over.

Nothing has changed. Nothing significant happened between the two of us, and I know we’ll continue with the way thing have been. We’ll still write lyrics together. He might still listen to me sing. We’ll still continue to interact the way we’ve done since I met him, so this situation shouldn’t bothering me.

I know in my heart that I didn’t want anything to happen with him, especially at this point of my life. I know I need to be on my own. I want to be on my own. But I also know that the reason I’m feeling so conflicted by this entire situation is that I did have a little hope. Although I wasn’t ready for anything right now, I thought the possibility would be there. I assumed that maybe someday, when I was ready, things could have developed between us.

However, no that Yoongi is in the picture, I realize there can’t be a maybe someday between us. There will never be a maybe someday. He loves him, and he obviously loves him, and I can’t blame them, because whatever they have is beautiful. The way they look at each other and interact and obviously care about each other is something I didn’t realize was missing between Hoseok and I.

Maybe someday I’ll have that, but it won’t be with Jimin, and knowing the diminishes whatever ray of hope shone through the storm of my week.

Jesus, I’m so depressing.

I hate Hoseok.

I really hate Taehyung.

And right now, I’m so pathetically miserable, I even hate myself.

-Are you crying?- Namjoon asks.

-No

He nods- Yes, you’re crying.

I shake my head.

-I’m not.

-You were about to- he says, looking at me sympathetically. He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me against him.- Chin up, little boy. Maybe tonight we can find someone who will screw the thought of that ex right of that pretty little head of yours.

I laugh and slap him in the chest.

-I would volunteer to do it, but Jin doesn’t like to share.- he says.- He’s kind of a like that, if you haven’t noticed.

I laugh again, but when my eyes meet Jimin’s in the review mirror, my smile fades. His jaw is firm, and his eyes lock with mine for a few seconds before he refocuses on the road in front of him. He’s unreadable most of the time, but I could swear I saw a small flash of jealousy behind those eyes. And I don’t like how seeing him jealous that I’m leaning against Namjoon actually feels good. Turning twenty-two has rotted my soul. Who am I, and why am I having these awful reactions? We pull into the parking lot of a club. I’ve been here a few times with Taehyung, so I’m relieved it won’t be completely unfamiliar. Namjoon takes my hand and helps me out of the car, then puts an arm around my shoulders and walks with me toward the entrance.

-I’ll make you a deal- he says- I’ll keep my hands off you tonight so guys won’t assume you’re madly in love with me. I hate blockers, and I refuse to be one. But if anyone makes you uncomfortable, just look at me and give me a signal so I can swoop in and pull you out of the situation.

I nod- Sounds like a plan. What kind of signal do I give you?

-I don’t know. You can your lips seductively. Maybe squeeze your .

I elbow him in the side.

-Or maybe I can scratch my nose?

He shrugs.

-That works, too, I guess.-He opens the door, and we all make our way inside. The music is overwhelming, and the second the doors close behind us, Namjoon leans in to shout into my ear.- There are usually booths open on the balcony level. Let’s go there!- He tightens his grip on my hand, then turns to Jimin and Yoongi and motions for them to follow.

I haven’t had to use the secret code Namjoon and I agreed on, and we’ve been here more than two hours now. I’ve danced with several people, but as soon as the song ends, I make it a point to smile politely and head back to the booth. Namjoon and Yoongi seem to have made a nice dent in the liquor stock, but Jimin hasn’t had a drop. Other than a shot Namjoon persuaded me to take when we first arrived, I haven’t had anything to drink, either.

-My feet hurt- I say.

Yoongi and Jimin have dance a couple of times but that was to slow songs, so I made it at a point not to watch them.

-No!- Namjoon says, attempting to pull me back up- I want dance!

I shake my head. He’s drunk and loud, and every time I try to dance with him, he ends up butchering my feel almost as badly as he butchers the moves.

-I’ll dance with you- Yoongi says to him. He climbs over Jimin in the booth, and Namjoon takes his hand. They head down to the lower level to dance, and it’s the first time Jimin and I have been alone in the booth.

I don’t like it.

I like it.

I don’t.

I do.

See? Rotten soul. Corrupted, rotten soul.

Jimin:

Having fun?

I’m not really, but I nod, because I don’t want to be that annoying, brokenhearted boy who wants everyone around him to feel how miserable he is.

Jimin:

I need to say something, and I may be way off base here, but I’m attempting to improve on how I unintentionally omit things from you.

I look up at him and nod again.

Jimin:

Namjoon is in love with Jin.

I read the text twice. Why would he need to say that to me? Unless he thinks I like Namjoon.

Jimin:

He’s always been a flirt, so I just wanted to clear that up. I don’t want to see you get hurt again. That’s all.

Me:

Appreciated your concern, but it’s unnecessary. Really. Have no interest there.

He smiles.

Me:

You were right. I like Yoongi.

Jimin:

I knew you would. Everyone likes Yoongi. He’s very likeable.

I lift my eyes and look around when a Big Bang song begins to play. I scoot to the back of the booth and look over the railing. Namjoon and Yoongi are standing by the Dj’s table and Namjoon is interacting with